Last post of the Year!

I have finished baking the muffins for tomorrow morning. We are going to a friend's house in about two hours. We're going to be eating sushi and watching movies (who knows what else). I decided I would make muffins for us and them for tomorrow morning. I made 3 different kinds - blackberry, honey bran, and strawberry cheesecake. I made a dozen of each kind and half of each will be staying at our house while the other half will be going to our friends and their two kids.

I am ready to start the healthier lifestyle choices tomorrow. Even the muffins won't really hurt me because they are made with skim milk (the only kind in our house) instead of whole. As long as I eat no more than 3 of these little things and put no butter on them, the calories are no problem.

I made a little chart for myself so I can keep track of the food groups I should be eating each day along with the exercise I want to do. I even have room for exercise up to 100 sit ups, 100 crunches, and 40 minutes on the eliptical (EVERY day). I know I won't start out there, but that is where I'd like to end up. I forgot to add the push ups, but I can write that in the bottom. I want to do as many push ups as I do sit ups and crunches (100). Doing those exercises should really help me on my trouble spots (hips, stomach, arms) and the eliptical will help with my thighs and butt as well as arms and stomach. Looking forward to it.

I really want 2006 to be the last year that I am overweight and unhappy in my body. I've been working for the past few years on my inner self and problems with family, so 2007 is the year I work on the outside. Please keep me in your thoughts while I work on this. I will keep you posted (I may just go ahead and write down the things that I will be emailing J each day - how I did on my eating and exercise goals). Sorry, but I am not going to tell you my starting weight, but I will tell you that I want to lose 50 pounds.

Wish me luck. Please have a Happy New Year and a safe New Year's Eve and do NOT drink and drive. I'd miss you.

Plans

I just looked at my blogs for the month and found that I almost accomplished my goal. I wanted to blog each day this month. It looks as though I missed the 24th, but I posted threee times on the 25th and a couple times on a few other days. Tomorrow is the last day of the year.

We are planning on spending some time with K. We were going to take him shopping today for hsi birthday which is next Thursday, but we didn't leave the house. We will probably do that next week. We want to spend the day with him. Take him to a toy store an dlet him pick his own gift. We'd also like to take him out to eat. We want to just spend the day with him and enjoy him.

I don't know exactly what we're going to do tomorrow besides spend a little time with K. We're also going to a friend's house around 7. We're planning on staying there until after the New Year. We're planning on eating sushi and watching movies. I'm also planning on making muffins. Taking half the muffins to our friend's house so they have them for the morning and leaving half at our house for our breakfast.

H and I are planning on going to our favorite Chinese restaurant tonight. I am eating crab legs and butter before the first of the year. On our way home, we will need to stop and pick up movies for tomorrow night.

So, what are your plans?

Six Weird Things About Me

1. I hate to talk on the phone. I can talk to H, but other than that, I’d rather not. I just don’t know what to say and don’t feel comfortable. H cannot fathom this. I don’t understand it. I drive H nuts with this because if we need to call someone, I’ll dial on my phone then hand it to him to talk. He absolutely hates that and I am sorry. I’m just no good on the phone unless I’m talking to H.

2. I cannot sleep when there is noise of any kind. I used to be a sound sleeper until we had a mouse stuck in the walls. This damn mouse ended up in our bedroom walls and I could hear him scratching to get out. It freaked me out. Now, even the sound of the wind reminds me of that damn mouse and I cannot sleep. I used to need sound to go to sleep, but now I need QUIET! I now sleep with earplugs (only 1 when H isn’t home – on the ear not against the pillow. I wouldn’t want to come to harm because I couldn’t hear. I just wouldn’t feel safe)

3. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to listen to music unless it was Gospel or Classical (thank-you, H for opening my world); I wasn’t allowed to wear pants (and didn’t until I was 27); I wasn’t allowed to go to the movies (the first one I saw on a big screen was Hunt for Red October – I think I was 22).

4. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 27. I had 3 permits in California, but I didn’t want to take my driver’s test out there…they put you on the freeways, make you parallel park, and I couldn’t parallel park and was scared to death to get on those freeways. At the time, the speed limit on the freeway was 55 or 60, but the law was you go with the flow of traffic. People drove up to 80 all the time, and I just couldn’t do that.

5. I was a virgin when I met H at age 28 even though I was married once before. Obviously it wasn’t a real marriage, but I stayed for 5 ½ years because I took my vows seriously. We called it quits when I realized that I deserved to be happy and that what we had wasn’t really a marriage but a roommate situation.

6. I’m 38 and I love playing World of Warcraft with H and the friends we have met online. Some of these friends we have even met in real life, and some we knew before we started. It’s a blast.

Interesting

So, after posting yesterday what I plan on eating this next year, I realized just how unhealthy my food choices have been. I haven't been eating fruits and veggies like I should and I usually only eat protein at dinner. I'm lucky to get in two servings of grains or dairy. This makes me wonder - WHAT the heck have I been eating? I really couldn't tell you, but it made me balloon up to 200 pounds in the past 10 years.

I think I'm gonna have to make a chart so I can check things off each day to help me stay on track and see what it is I should eat or need to eat. I'm gonna do the healthy thing this year. I'm so tired of being tired and seeing myself in windows and not recognizing myself - I don't look that way in the mirror each morning (and I do have a full-length mirror). I think I'm gonna have to take pictures of myself Friday and make it into a wallpaper for my computer so I can keep pictures of how I really look in my vision to help keep me motivated.

From Fat to Fabulous!

I have decided that I am way too fat and I'm not taking it any longer. Twelve days ago, I turned 38. I've heard from dietians that if a woman, age 40, has a 40 inch waist, to her body, it's the same as if she were to have breast cancer. I want to be healthy by the time I'm 40. I'll have another niece or nephew to play with who will be looking up to me and I'll ha eto get my driver's license photo updated that year. That's plenty of motivation.

I tried cooking a healthy meal last night and H was disappointed that there wasn't any starchy food. Gotta say, it kind of hurt my feelings. I'm not gonna let that stop me, and I'm sure I'll have more posts that deal with this as I go along. That's ok. I'm not trying to change him in any way. I thought he wanted to get healthier as well, but he has to do it in his own way in his own time. I understand that completely.

I've been wanting to make a lifestyle change and eat healthier as well as add exercise to my life. In the game H and I play online (World of Warcraft), we've made quite a few friends. One of these friends also wants to make these changes. We have decided that we are going to be each others support system. We are going to email each other what we've eaten and what we did to exercise each day and update our weight each Friday. We're going to take our measurements each month and take digital pictures every now and then so we can see the changes. I'm so excited to have a female friend to do this with. No offense to H, but he has no clue about women's issues and I have a lot of emotional baggage that causes me to eat as well (been working on that, so I'm expecting that to be taken down at least a notch this year).

For my pictures, I'm going to wear the same clothes (or style at least) so the changes will be noticeable and real. I've got tank-tops that have spandex. I'm gonna wear one of these and a pair of bicycle shorts I own. Sadly (at the beginning), these will show my figure. As time goes, I will be glad that these clothes show my figure. J and I have decided to make our first goal 20 pounds and we want it off by March 15th. That gives us a little over 2 months. We want to lose weight at a healthly rate (about 1-2 pounds a week), so that is a VERY realistic goal for us to aim for.

So...here is eating my plan:

• eat 2-3 veggies a day
• eat 2-3 fruits a day
• eat 3-4 (4 oz.) servings of protein a day
• eat or drink 3-4 servings of dairy a day
• eat 2-3 servings of whole grain a day
• drink 8 glasses of water a day
• limit fats

This is not to say that we cannot eat sweets. We will just eat them in moderation. We do not want to say we can't eat something and put ourselves into a place where we crave junk food or put ourselves into a downward spiral we feel we are unable to climb out of.

Here is my exercise plan:

• 50 sit ups a day
• 50 push ups a day (even if they're just against a wall - still works out upper body)
• exercise on eliptical machine 2-3 times a day (for as long as I can - right now it's only a few minutes, but that's better than nothing and as my endurance gets better, I will be able to stay on longer).

So...wish us luck and I will keep you posted. Please feel free to join us in this endeavor. If you'd like to, just leave a message here and I will update ya'll each week on my weight and progress as we go along.

Lots of things to say

1. Christmas was...well, strange in a way this year. We had no Christmas turkey or ham. Actually, we had Thai food (which is always good), but part of the family wasn't there. H's parents left around 11 and opened their restaurant to see if they would get any eaters yesterday. They were planning on staying for an hour, but they must have had people because they were there over 4 hours before we left the house. I think next year, I'm gonna have to make Christmas dinner myself (at their house of course). One thing about this year was that it showed me it doesn't really matter what you eat - it matters who you are with. I just missed having the traditional dinner and I missed his parents not being there.

2. They have a family staying with them. This family just had a baby a month ago. Like K, she does best with me somehow than with anyone else. I guess I just have a way with babies (too bad I'll never have one of my own). She is so good around me, and I can put her in any sitting or laying position without her pitching a fit. With everyone else, they have to hold her a certain way or she was off on a crying fit. Even her parents had a hard time putting her to sleep, yet all I had to do was hold her and hum Brahm's Lullaby and she would go right to sleep. K was the same way. I love that babies feel so safe with me.

3. K was just adorable. The other day when we were at the restaurant with him, I shook my butt at him. He thought I was dancing and absolutely loved it. Yesterday, he came up to me and showed me the dance (he didn't have his butt pointing in my direction like I did, so I know he didn't really understand what I was doing). It was so cute. His grandparents told us that he is showing his "dance" to everyone. This cracks me up. He still copies everything I say and do so much more than he does with anyone else. He loved all his toys yesterday. We got him a stocking and filled it with emergency vehicles, a pack of gum, an orange, and an apple. He had a blast. He never had a stocking before, but he also never really understood what was going on before like he was this year. He'll be four next week.

4. I am big on Christmas. I never really realized that before. I was the first one up yesterday. I got H up (not that we really slept much). Dickens doesn't sleep when we're not in our house. He barks all night long. So, H and I were up, and I was afraid we were going to miss K coming down and seeing the tree. I didn't want to miss anything. H and I got up and woke up K and grandma (everyone else was awake - if not out of bed).

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Here's looking to a brand New Year.

Word to Live By

I don't remember where H and I saw this, but he sent it to me in an email, and I wanted to share it with you. One of my goals is to try to live up to these lessons.

Lessons in Life:
Son, let me tell you just a few things I've learned about life.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that we are responsible for what we feel, no matter what others do
I've learned that either you control your attitude, or it controls you
I've learned that true friends accept you as you are, but that would never stop you from trying to change them.
I've learned that the smallest secret can change your life forever.
I've learned that you should always tell your loved ones loving words.

Son, just one more thing - I love you

I think the world could do well to remember an dlive up to these words of wisdom. I know that, being me, I'm going to fall short on occassion, but at least I have something to aspire to. Join me?

Merry Christmas

I hope you all had a GREAT day today. We spent last night over at K's home so we could be there this morning while he opened his gifts. We had a really good time.

I've got a lot of things I want to do this next week around the house and a schedule for working out. I'll write more tomorrow.

Holiday Fruit Salad

3 Apples (I prefer Braeburn because they have a red skin and they're both sweet and tart)
3 Cans Mandarin Oranges
4-5 Bananas1 Large Can Chunk Pineapple
1 Cup Sugar
2 Cups Water
1 Can Evaporated Milk

Core and Dice apples. Slice Bananas. Drain Pineapple. Drain Oranges (keeping juice from 1 can).

Dump fruit in big bowl. Add remaining ingredients including the juice from 1 can Mandarin Oranges.

Soda...Shaken not stirred

By the title alone, I can tell you I've lived with H way too long (he's from the north). I used to call carbonated beverages of any kind Coke. Of course, there was always the follow up question - What kind?

Back to the reason I'm writing today. With all the fun I had with K yesterday, I thought you would all enjoy this story....

He wanted a soda, so he went to H and asked him for one. H got it out of the fridge and the ENTIRE time K was bringing the drink to me to open, he was...wait for it...shaking it up while saying "shake you money"! Where he got that phrase I don't know unless it was from his grandpa (K usually takes all the tips off the tables after the people leave). Anyway, when I told him to stop, he started shaking it faster. Little dork. Luckily, I learned a long time ago that if you tap the top on the "screw" thing, it settles the liquid and it doesn't explode. Thank goodness for that. I did not cause a huge mess in my in-laws restaurant because of K. Crazy kid.

Thought you would enjoy that. I'm trying my best to keep to "real" posts instead of fluff stuff like online quizes (memes I don't mind so much because they show you a little part of me). I've also done a good job posting something each day this month. Gotta say, it's not quite as bad as I expected, but some days I don't know what to say until close to the time I've posted it. I'm getting better, but hang in there. I'll become a better writer soon.

Great News!!

I'm going to be an Aunt - AGAIN! We just found out today that K is going to have a baby brother or sister. His mom is 2 months pregnant. WooHoo. I am so excited and can't wait. K said he wants a little brother (of course) and wants to name him "Baby Boy". Soooo cute! I'm gonna have to learn to make more than just a scarf - like maybe a baby blanket.

We spent the whole day with him. Well, I spent the whole day with him. H spent all day fixing hsi dad's computer and printer at the restaurant. I had a GREAT day. That little bugger mimicked every thing I did. He even followed me into the bathroom. When I told him to leave, he said "I'm not looking" which made me laugh. He was in the stall next to me on all fours. I finally talked him into going to see his uncle. Crazy kid. We played all day and he wore my butt out. Makes me realize that I really need to lose weight.

I need to lose about 40 pounds. I also received a phone call today from one of the secretarial positions I applied for at the local university. I am so hoping to get this position. My interview is set for Jan. 8. I am so excited and can't wait. I always do well in interviews and have never failed to get any position I have interviewed for, so my chances seem pretty darn good to me. :-)

From now until Jan 8, I am planning on losing as much weight as I can. I am planning on working out every day (thank the in-laws for the eliptical trainer) and going on the slimfast plan which is shakes, meal bars, snacks, and a normal dinner. I can do that for 2 weeks. Of course, I will start this Dec. 26 and will take off New Year's Eve (since we are going to a friends house instead of staying at home for a change). I can do this. I'm gonna see if I can lose at least 10 pounds this way in 2 weeks.

Wish me luck!

The Blind have Seen

So...H doesn't notice anything. I can paint a whole room and he won't notice. With that said, I went to Target yesterday and bought new rugs for our bathroom. The room is blue. The shower curtain is blue and green. The countertop is green. The new rugs are blue. These he notices. I've taken all pictures off our walls, and he hasn't noticed. I've changed all pictures around in the house and he hasn't noticed. New rugs on the bathroom floor he notices. Cracks me up!

WooHoo...

Congratulations, fellow bloggers. We ARE Time's "PERSON OF THE YEAR"

G, M, W, D, and B...some K thrown in for good measure.

I know you all might be wondering why I don’t talk as much about G, M, W, D, and B as much as I talk about K. The reason is that G and M moved back to California three years ago and obviously took their three kids with them. We live on the other side of the country. Sadly, I never get to see them. When they moved, the youngest was just about to turn 1. She just turned 3 on the 19th. Her brothers are older and they are all just getting so big without our ever seeing them. We get pictures right after their birthdays (that’s another story in itself which has hurt me over the years).

Luckily, we live only 25 minutes from K, so we get to see him every weekend and get to be a part of his life. He loves playing with us. He copies every thing we say or do. It’s so cute. I would love to have this same relationship with my brother’s children, but sadly, I do not see that happening any time soon. What’s so sad about this is that they moved away from all their family members. Her family lives in Wisconsin and Missouri while my parents now live in Indiana. At least her brothers and their wives are able to have children, so their mom gets to see some of her grandchildren, but my parents don’t have that. These are the only grandchildren my parents will have unless H and I adopt (which we’ve considered – that’s another post as well).

Anyway, so that’s the reason that I don’t talk about G, M, W, D, and B as much. I don’t know them as well. It’s not that I don’t want to know them as well. I would love to know them as well. Knowing K as well as we do shows me just how much we have missed out on the lives of our niece and other nephews. Those are years we will never get back and they do not know us either. To me, that is just sad.

I am big on family. I’m finding that I am much bigger on family than anyone else in my family even though they talk the talk, they don’t walk the walk. They say family means a lot to them, but they don’t want to spend time with family unless it’s around the TV and you only talk during commercials. No wonder I’m a TV-a-holic. That’s all I’ve known my whole life.

Seeing the way H and his family do things has shown me that my family isn’t about family. When it comes to K, he is the center of attention as well as other family members. It doesn’t matter if the show on TV goes unwatched. The most important thing is spending time with the people around you. I have learned so much from this family and I absolutely love them to death. They have wrapped their arms around me and have made me a part of this family without question and without reservation. They have become “my” family and those that mean the most to me.

My folks returned from Hawaii today. They tried to talk me into coming to their house for Christmas. Christmas is what we do with K. He is really into it this year. He called us two weeks ago and told us to “bring Kissmas”. He’s already been under the tree, opening gifts, and playing with his toys. When we were there last weekend, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas. He said he wanted a truck (such a shock) so I asked him what color. He said red (thought he was gonna say yellow). I went to Target today and found emergency vehicles for him and a red pillow tractor (from CARS) with real wheels. I think he’ll love it. I can’t wait to see the look on his face Christmas morning. We’re not putting the gifts from us under the tree until Christmas Eve. We’re his Santa Claus. I don’t even think he knows who Santa is. He isn’t interested in men in suits dressed up as Easter Bunnies or Santa Claus or anything else. He doesn’t even like to dress up for Halloween. He’s a boy of his own and follows his own heart. I love that about him. I so hope my other nephews and my niece find their own voice in this world.

Grandma and Fruitcake

It hit me this morning while I was reading through the blogs I visit on a somewhat daily basis – I miss my grandma’s fruitcake. I know that’s a crazy thing to miss. One of the blogs had a little quiz “What is your favorite holiday treat?” Of course, fruitcake was on the list. I know that most people do not like fruitcake, but I have always loved fruitcake. It’s been a Christmas tradition my entire life. I don’t like just anyone’s fruitcake. I love my grandma’s fruitcake, but I have eaten a lot of fruitcake trying to find one to match hers. She made it each year for Christmas and I always looked forward to it. Now that she has passed, I cannot find a fruitcake I love as much as hers. I wish we would have found her recipe. I’m gonna have to track that down – maybe Mom has it somewhere. I would love to try making it myself. She passed away January of 1996. I can’t believe it’s been 10 almost 11 years.

On my Mind

Ok, so I've been thinking for a while now about religion. I know this is a subject a lot of people stray from. It is also a subject that most people are afraid to talk about for fear that their friends/family will not understand their point of view and think poorly of them for having a different opinion regarding the subject.

With all that in mind, I'm going to write about religion anyway. Love me, Hate me, Walk away from me. It's your choice. I have finally come to the point where I accept myself and I'm okay with that. :-)

I get tired of people thinking that their religion is the only one true religion. I don't consider myself an atheist, agnostic, baptist, buddhist, or any other label; but I have been looking into a number of religions. I think what gets me the most is that "Christians" (since this is probably the most prolific religion in the States) think that their religion is the "right" religion. Do they not realize that it is the youngest religion in the world? Do they not realize or remember that "Christians" incorporates other religions - Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, etc. Do they not realize that wars have been waged over this religion and these beliefs? They seem to think Muslims are the only ones that wage war for their religion. Wake up! Not all Muslims feel that way. Not all Christians felt that way either. Christianity is the youngest religion in the world. How can Christians feel they have the right to tell other people how to believe?

Like I said, I just don't get it. There are certain things I believe and others that I am still working through. I think it is important for each person to decide on their own what it is that makes sense to them and find out exactly what it is they believe instead of blindly following the leader of the church they happen to go to. IF you happen to believe everything your leader says, fine. I'm finding more and more that people blindly follow their leader instead of actually taking the time to think about what it is they truly believe themselves.

I believe in a Higher Power. I do not have a name for this Higher Power (I think all religions are actually praying to the same Power - they just have a different name for that Power), but I do pray and when I do, I address my prayers to God or Heavenly Father (I think more out of habit because that is how I grew up). I haven't found a name that rolls off my tongue as easily.

I do not believe in organized religion. I think it is a personal thing between you, your heart, and whichever diety you chose to follow.

I believe there will be people of all thoughts and religions in the afterlife (no matter what that life may be).

I believe Evolution. That is not to say that Evolution wasn't started by a Higher Power, but science has proven Evolution. It still requires faith to a degree even if that degree is much smaller than that to believe in Creation.

I do not consider myself a "heathen", but I'm not sure I could call myself a "Christian" either. I figure God knows my heart and mind. I've been living a happy and blessed life, so I guess I must be doing something right.

I believe all religions are fundamentally the same. They all believe in the "Golden Rule" (even if it is called by something else or has been put in different words) and they all believe in a Higher Power (even though they each have their own name for that Power).

I believe that it doesn't matter WHAT you believe. It matters THAT you belive or have faith (in what doesn't matter).

I have been leaning toward reincarnation. I don't know if that's because I can't picture Heaven, I can't fathom "God" sending people to burn in "Hell", or because I like the idea of continuing to live your life - taking different paths until you get it right.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on religion at the moment.

A Real Post

Sorry it's been a few days since I've actually given a real post. Things have been busy because of my birthday, and I wanted to make sure I posted something EVERY day this month.

K has been calling us occasionally. It’s really cute. He’s not even 4yet, but he knows which speed dial is us. One day he called, hung up the phone, then handed it to Grandma and told her to call Uncle. We called back and asked if they wanted anything or if K called us. We found out it was K. So cute. He called us last weekend and asked H to “bring Christmas”. Come to find out, he’s already been under the tree opening up gifts.

On Wednesday, H took me for a drive. He wanted to show me something. He took me to see a house in town that had their lights set to music. It was pretty cool. He had a sign on a tree to tell us which FM station to turn to so we could check out the music that went with the lights. It was pretty sweet. H says he wants to do that one year. The computer geek that he is, I’m sure we’ll end up doing it one day.

Last week, we heard a deep bark one morning. It sounded like it was coming from the front porch. Our dog was in the house, so we weren’t sure what it was. We opened up the front curtain and saw a bassett hound sitting on the front porch barking at a passing jogger. Crazy mutt. Not only does our dog think he owns everything in his line of sight, but now another dog also thinks he owns everything in his line of sight starting from our porch. He was really cute and he had a tag. I haven’t seen him since that morning. Silly dog.

We went and saw Eragon last night. It was a very good movie. It didn't seem like it was 2 hours long. The place was packed. I can't wait for the next movie to see what happens. I bought the book, but I haven't read it yet. I just finished reading Angels and Demons by Dan Clark and have started reading The DaVinci Code, but I'm still in the first few chapters.

We took some friends to see the house with the lights set to music last night and spent about an hour just driving around checking out the lights on homes all around town. We had a good night.

So I don't miss a blog today...

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Who else should it be about? :-)

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance. At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower. And at other times, you are wise like an iris. And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

What Color Flower Are You?

Could be right.

You Are 65% Peaceful

You are a very peaceful person. All is good in your world, no matter what's going on. Occasionally you let your problems get to you, but you generally remain upbeat. Your inner strength is inspirational - much more so than you may realize.

How Peaceful Are You?

I’ve actually been told that before. Go figure.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are a giving soul. Way too giving in fact. You often get stuck doing the dirty work that no one else will do. Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky. You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it. In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return.

What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You?

You Are 40% Healthy

You're on your way to having a healthy diet, but you have a ways to go. Everything is okay in moderation. But you don't quite have moderation figured out yet.

How Healthy Is Your Diet?

Yep, that’s me.

Had a great day today. I will write more tomorrow or Monday. I promise.

Go, Kari, it's Your Birthday

Yep...today is my 38th birthday. It's about damn time I've worked through the issues in previous posts, don't you think? I do! So glad I started on those and "seem" to be doing well. I heard from my parents today. They are in Hawaii on a cruise to celebrate their 40th Anniversary (which is the 27th of this month). I was surprised to hear from them. Realizing that surprises me. I haven't heard from G yet. I guess I won't. I didn't call him on his birthday either (it was the 4th of this month), but I did send him a card. Maybe I'll get a card in the mail tomorrow - kind of doubt it though. Had a great day! Didn't let any family crap bring me down - didn't even think about it until I went to get the mail when we got home an hour ago.

H and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast this morning. I love their breakfast. From there, we went to the theater to see what was playing and what time (we decided to stay home tonight instead - not a problem). From there, we came home for about 2 hours. I laid down for most of it. I was up in the middle of the night not feeling good, so I didn't sleep well. Once I woke up, we took a picture of K that H was playing with on the computer to Kinko's and had it blown up to 5x7 and 8x10. We went to Dillard's to purchase Euphoria (the BIG bottle). :-) From there, we went to see K at the restaurant my in-laws own and gave him the 8x10 - he loved it! My father-in-law came in a little later with a cheesecake for me for my birthday. I was shocked and never expected it. On our way home, we stopped at the theater again and bought tickets to the 4:00 showing of Eragon tomorrow (we're going with friends). The price went up to $8.25. What a shock! The last time I saw a matinee, it was $5.75 and that was only a few months ago. I guess they're making any show after 2:00 full price. What a rip off. Anyway, we're now home and getting ready to put music in to listen to. I had to watch Days of Our Lives first. :-) I've got my priorities in order.

I'll write more later this weekend about a few things that happened this week, so stay posted.

Busy, busy, busy

I don't have much time to post today, but I want to post something every day this month, so I am posting these online quiz things today. I have my first ABLEs meeting tonight, so I will post about that later.

But...for now...

You've Changed 72% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal. In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

WooHoo for that!

You Are A Fig Tree

You are very independent and strong minded. A hard worker when you want to be, you play hard too. You are honest and loyal. You hate contradiction or arguments. You love life, and you live for your friends, children, and animals. A great sense of humor, artistic talent, and intelligence are all gifts you possess.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Your Dosha is Kapha

Calm and grounded, you are not prone to mood swings or anger. However, once you do get angry, it takes a lot to cool you down. You tend to think a little slower than most people, but your logic is astounding. Overall, you very loyal and trustworthy. You're not scared of being who you really are. With friends: You enjoy their company, but often listen more than talk In love: You crave connection and affection. It's hard for you to be single. To achieve more balance: Exercise vigorously (especially in the sun) and let go of attachments.

What's Your Dosha?

Sounds about right.

The Envelope Please

Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali

You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers. There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great. One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog... And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes. Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

What's Your Personality Type?

You Are a Glazed Donut

Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that. You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness. Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone dig you. And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.

What Donut Are You?

New Links Added

Well...I went though all the blogs I read and realized that I didn't put quite a few of these on my blog. I have rectified that error and have now updated my list of blogs I read to include ALL the blogs I read including those I've found so far this week. I have also taken out a few that I found had corrupt links or no longer exist. I am soooo sorry for not having double checked all of this earlier. There were quite a few links that I thought I had already added, so please forgive me if you have checked for your link on the right and haven't found it before now.

A short Meme - 3 Things

Found on 100 Miles from Where

Three things that scare me: bugs, dark, fire
Three people who make me laugh: Hubby, Nephew 3, Grandma
Three things I love: family, friends, food
Three things I hate: stupid drivers, guilt, Junk mail
Three things I don't understand: racism, homophobia, religion
Three things on my desk: Tree Skirt, college diploma, paperwork of all kinds (Haven’t used my desk – it’s in another room and things keep getting piled on top when we clean clutter from other rooms)
Three things I'm doing right now: blogging, listening to the TV, drinking coffee
Three things I want to do before I die: visit all 50 states, see Great Wall of China, see the Sphinx (and others – all to do with travel)
Three things I can do: anything I put my mind to, sleep late, procrastinate (doing this last one right now)
Three things you should listen to: nature, your instinct, your heart
Three things you should never listen to: fear, negativity, racists
Three things I'd like to learn: photography, art, psychology (and others)
Three favorite foods: chocolate, pad thai, sushi at in-laws restaurant (there really isn’t much I don’t like)
Three beverages I drink regularly: soda, coffee, water
Three TV shows I watched as a kid: Speed Racer, Muppet Show, I Love Lucy

Today's Agenda

Ok, so I had a long list of things I wanted to get accomplished around the house today. Sadly, these things did not get done. For some reason, I was unable to sleep last night and was awake EVERY hour sometimes for 20-30 minutes.

About 15 minutes after I got out of bed this morning, I got a crick or something in my neck and I have been unable to move my head to the right. This hurts like heck and makes moving around moving things a bit difficult. So...all those items on today's list have now been unofficially moved to tomorrow's list along with what was already there (not a long list). I also have a lunch date tomorrow with a girlfriend of mine (a second may join us, haven't heard from her yet). All of these items can be completed tomorrow. I just have to get off my butt and do them.

Butt Chappiness - still cracks me up. :-) I can't believe that's what I thought she read.

Butt Chappiness

We were at a Chinese restaurant tonight (just got home). Fortune cookies aren't like they used to be. They no longer tell the future or even attempt to tell the future. My friend read her fortune and she read "you will have butt chappiness for the rest of the year." I swear that's what I heard. In actuality, her fortune read, "you will have much happiness for the rest of the year." So, I guess my husband is right and I need to get my hearing tested. Gotta say, though, I think I enjoyed her fortune more than she did. :-)

H asked me today what I had planned for this week. I told him I'm doing lunch with a friend on Tuesday then I have my first ABLEs meeting Thursday night. He asked what I had planned for Friday (my birthday) and I told him nothing yet. He then asked if I wanted to see a movie. Knowing I don't have a job, I said it would be too expensive and we should wait and go Saturday to a matinee. He said we could see a matinee on Friday. SURPRISE! He took Friday off to spend with me. Isn't that sweet?

This week, I am planning on cleaning the house and finally getting things in order. I've put that off for far too long. Anyway, I have 4 rooms I want to paint and another 2 that I have a few touch up things to do. Maybe if I get everything done that I want to this week, H and I will paint on Friday. I would love to finally have this house in order and the rooms painted the colors I've been wanting. This is what we have and what I want to change it to:
TV Room - currently burgundy, want Navy blue
Large Bathroom - currently green, want Navy Blue
Kitchen - currently beige with 1 purple wall, want seafoam green
Bedroom - currently alternating stripes of lavendar/dk purple, want seafoam green

So...let's see what all we can get accomplished this week. Wish me luck and productivity.

Interesting...

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Literate Good Citizen You read to inform or entertain yourself, but you're not nerdy about it. You've read most major classics (in school) and you have a favorite genre or two.
Dedicated Reader
Book Snob
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

Nothing to report or talk about at the moment...never mind...I just remembered something. H and I decided that we were going to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy last night (yes we own it). At the end, once Frodo has returned, he talks about how he can't go back to the way he was and that he can't see things the way he used to see them because his eyes are now open. He's seen too many things and done too many things that have impacted his life and way of thinking to keep those things from influencing the rest of his life. After hearing this monologue, I turned to H and said, "That's what I've been doing isn't it?" I've been holding on to a past that wasn't all that good to begin with.

My eyes are now open to my past, and the things I was trying to hold on to and realized that they never really existed in the first place. I can't go back to the person I once was and I wouldn't want to. I'm happy with the person that I am even though it meant I had to go through a lot of sadness, loneliness, self-loathing and depression to get there. It was a hard journey, but after coming through to this side, I am ecstatic about the person I have become and am continuing to be. I know that my journey will never be completely over, but now I look to the future with hope instead of fear.

Thanks to all my new visitors. I appreciate the time you take out of your day to read what might be coming out of my head. One great thing about this blog...I started it so other people (probably in the future - how I was thinking anyway) would know that they aren't alone going through problems closely related to my own. Instead, I have found that I am not alone and that others are going through the same things I am or they have gone through them in their past. I always felt so alone. I felt that no one knew or understood what I was going through.

By finding all of you here, I have found a support group that I never knew existed. I always had H and Grandma in my court, but never knew that anyone else had gone through these situations. Thanks so much just for being there and for allowing me to spend a little time in your day getting things off my chest and figuring things out. I appreciate it. a LOT!

Today's news

So...since I have made a conscious effort to not let my family get to me and to no longer shed a tear over them, I have actually not been eating emotionally this week. I have lost 5 pounds this week. That's amazing to me.

We went to see K today. He is such a sweetie. They have a massage unit you put into a chair and it does either shiatsu or roller massage up and down your whole spine. I love it! I was using it today and K came and sat on the window ledge eating the dust flakes as they moved about in the snow. It was hilarious (and a bit gross), but he's not even 4 yet, so I guess it's ok. Good thing he's cute.

I think each woman needs to find her "signature scent" and by that I mean a perfume that she feels good wearing. One that she looks forward to wearing and chooses to wear that instead of any other fragrance. I found mine earlier this year thanks to a friend in Vegas. That scent for me is Calvin Klein's Euphoria. I absolutely love this fragrance (all of its notes smell good, not just to me, but also on me). I put some on yesterday when I went to meet H for lunch. I put it on around 11:15a.m. and when I went to bed at midnight, I could still smell it. Actually, I could smell it faintly on me just an hour ago. That's a long time for a fragrance to last. I absolutely love this stuff. I am almost finished with this bottle, so I really need to get another. Thankfully, I got the first one from my friend. Now I need to buy the next one.

We each got $100 from my parents for Christmas. We were going to take that money and purchase an elliptical trainer with it spending what we needed for its purchase as our Christmas to each other. At my in-laws today, we mentioned that we wanted to go take a look at a few (we've done some comparison shopping online and wanted to check them out). Come to find out, they have one in their basement that they never use and bought brand new a few years ago. It has only been used a few times, so we tried it out and we are bringing it home tomorrow.

Now that we've saved that money from purchasing the machine, I am going to buy my perfume as my gift from Bob and we're going to put the money from the folks toward one of our 2 credit cards. We really need to get those paid off. I guess now, I have shopping to do for Bob unless he wants to use some money to purchase something he's been thinking about. I can't think of anything he's mentioned recently. I'll have to figure this out.

I took the time...

last night to go through each post (155 now, I can hardly believe it). While I was at each post, I corrected any misspellings, added labels to all posts (see the side bar for your favorites), and replaced the names of family members with the guide on the right (getting tired of spelling everything out all the time - this should make posting easier). All of that took me about 2 1/2 hours last night, but it is complete and ready.

I love the label ability. It helps me to see what I've been talking about for the past year and shows me how often my family gets to me or specific things cross my mind. I am trying to keep my labels to those on the right without adding too many, so there may be more in random thoughts that could be put into another category, but I've decided to keep it there for now. Frustration seems to be a good category, but for now we'll keep it to what I've got. Obviously, "life lessons" are probably happening when I've gained "insight". These can also be part of my "philosophy", so we will see how things turn out.

H is working until around 10:00 tonight, so I'm going to be home alone all day. I went and had lunch with him today, so at least I'll see him a little bit.

Gotta tell you...since my decision last weekend to not shed another tear over my family situation, I've been feeling better. Of course, I still think about them - they are my family after all; but I'm not upset and no longer feel hurt or guilt about it. I guess I just needed to let myself off the hook and realize that just because we don't get along doesn't make it my fault or make me a bad person (man - religious upbringings can wreak havoc with your self-esteem and self-confidence...well, mine did anyway).

Guess What?

I've been tagged! I know it's crazy, but I love these things. It helps me get things out and organized and helps me see things about myself that I've either forgotten or never really realized before. It also gives me a chance to know a little bit about others in blogger space. Blame this one on Angela. Personally, I'm gonna thank her.

4 Jobs I have Had

1. Office work of all kinds – telephone sales (incoming and outbound), receptionist, credit analyst, accounts payable

2. I’ve done just about anything there could be done in a warehouse – picking/packing/quality control/receiving/inventory control

3. video manufacturing where we would make 1500 copies at one time. Pretty cool.

4. Taught kindergarten for 2 years, 1st grade for 1 year, high school cheer coach 1 year, junior/senior high school girls P.E. 2 years. BTW, the cheerleading, kindergarten and P.E. were during the same years. Thankfully kindergarten was only half day


4 Movies I would Watch Over and Over

Can I settle for 4 movies I would watch or have watched more than once? Good question…let’s see the ones I do watch over and over

1. The Harry Potter Series

2. Timeline

3. Anything by Disney/Pixar/Dreamworks

4. Anything with Sandra Bullock – Speed (the first one), The Lake House, The Net, the list goes on


4 TV Shows.

As stated earlier I’m a TVaholic. I have so many more than 4 (some on DVD)

1. Days of our Lives – yeah, so shoot me…this is the only soap I watch, but I’ve watched it since I was in junior high (off and on)

2. Charmed (have the first 5 or 6 seasons on DVD) but thankfully, they are still in syndication.

3. Stargate SG-1 (we have all but season 9 on DVD)

4. Heroes (can’t get enough of this show – new episodes late January)
Check out my post here to see the other shows I'm into (to which I really need to add The Class and How I Met your Mother)


4 Places I Have Visited

1. Florida (Pensacola, Orlando, Palm Beach, North Beach, and probably a few others)

2. Canada (west coast when I was 20, Ontario a few times the past few years due to Hubby having family there)

3. South America (on the cruise from hell (also see this post)…gonna have to take another one just to know if it’s really not for us or we just had bad luck on this one)

4. Orcas Islands (off Washington/Canada coast). Same trip from when I was 20.


4 Favourite Foods.

1. See’s Truffles and chocolates (see previous post)

2. Pad Thai

3. Chimichunga with cheese sauce/guacamole

4. Italian (lasagna, spaghetti, pizza) Never had these authentic Italian foods, but I love the American version of these.

4 Websites I visit daily.

1. Cute Overload

2. Dante’s Virgil

3. Damnit! Earth

4. A Day in the Life of Me

Honestly, I visit so much more than just these 4 each day, but these are the 4 that got me rolling along lurking on other’s blogs. So, blame them. J


4 Bloggers I would Like to Respond if they can...

1. Manda

2. Contemplator

3. Chelsea

4. A Typical Woman

Good luck! Please let me know if you’ve decided to do this as well. I look forward to reading your posts.

Check this Out...

So...the box of See's chocolates I have coming has 10% of the following candies:
Raspberry Truffle
Dark Chocolate Chip Truffle
Lemon Truffle
Dark Nougat
Dark Chocolate Truffle
Rum Nougat
Raspberry Cream
Key Lime Truffle
Almond Truffle
Dark California Brittle

Those are not all of my favorites from them, but it is a custom box and you could only choose 10 of their candies. :-( These are probably my top favorites although I do love their Scotchmallow, multiple caramels, and multiple nut varieties. Like I said before, there hasn't been a piece of See's candy that I don't like. These should be here by Tuesday which is great because next Friday is my 38th birthday.

I forgot to tell you...we have friends we've known for 10 years now. They know my birthday is next week and they want to go out for dinner/lunch/whatever to celebrate. They asked how old I was, and they couldn't believe that I'm going to be 38. It's pretty cool when your closest friends think you look younger than you are and don't believe you when you tell them your age. I absolutely love it. Cheers to being 38 next week and closest friends not believing it. :-)

WooHoo...Got Snow

Got a little snow today. It didn't stick, but it is cold as heck outside right now. It's about 34 degrees F.

Okay, so I watched Dr. Phil earlier this week. It was ask Dr. Phil and Robin. I love when they are together on the show. I don't watch him every day because he's up against Charmed which is one of my favorite shows. Anyway, one girl asked the question regarding her boyfriend being more romantic. Dr. Phil said that she needs to let her boyfriend know what her currency is. Dr. Phil said Robin's currency was food. He would buy her 2 donuts at the end of their dates when she had to work the next day. One for her to eat right then and one for breakfast in the morning - he didn't get any donuts for himself, this was all for her. It wasn't anything real expensive, but it touched her and was romantic to her. She also said he used to bring her 1 rose.

Hubby used to bring me 1 rose or flowers once in a while. I loved it. Just the one rose is perfect because it lets you know that you're being thought of. Personally, I don't like red roses - they are over done and don't mean as much as those of other colors. Red doesn't mean what it used to anymore.

I'd have to say that my language is See's Candy. They are a company based in California, but you can order online at sees.com. This is my absolute favorite candy. I even like them better than Godiva chocolates. I've tried them both and See's has much more flavor to me. See's truffles are to die for. They are the best! I have a box of my favorites on its way to me at this moment. I asked Hubby if I could order a box. He said yes, but he also asked - Do you really want them now? I know what he's thinking...I've been saying I need to lose weight and See's is not the way to do it. yeah, yeah, yeah...but...doesn't he know that sometimes you just need to feel "special" and this candy is the way for me. So, I guess See's is my currency. You want me to feel special, buy me See's candy. I've never had anything from them that I do not like. See's, You ROCK!

Today

Today, I did online Christmas shopping for my family and Hubby's family. Since I don't have a job, things are pretty tight at the moment. We would have loved to have done more, but we are concentrating mostly on the kids this year.

I've now sent out all the Christmas cards except the one to my parents, but they won't be in town until a few days before Christmas, so I'm still good on that score.

Kind of down and tired today (just a little). I need to get the house in order and organized. Grant it, I've been home for a couple months and have yet to really do any of the things I've wanted to do. I'm hoping that this funk will pass so I can get busy doing the things I want and need to do.

Next week, I will be going to my first ABLEs meeting. I haven't told you about that yet, have I? I was asked by a friend if I would join the Board of ABLEs. ABLEs is an organization for kids with disabilities in Middle TN. It's to show that these children and adults are also ABLE to do things that others can do. I was asked because they wanted someone younger on the board to help them come up with ideas for the ABLEs to do as fundraisers or for ways to get contributions. I have a couple of ideas and can't wait to see what the meeting is like next Thursday. I'll keep you posted.

WooHoo

Ok, it looks like the new blogger updated fine. Had to say, I was a little worried. I also updated my links to include all the ones I have acquired and frequent. As you can see, I really haven't gotten far - still in the "B's" but I do occassionally find a new blog from reading the comments of those that I frequent (hence the "c's"). Enjoy.

Now, here's to hoping that blogging will be just as easy. Not sure what this post is going to look like. It seems the font is bigger than the others, but I won't know for sure until I post it. *fingers crossed, pushes the publish button*

Changing to Google Blog

Whatever it’s called, I’m moving now before they make me move anyway. Please cross your fingers that this works.

BTW, it is my intention and goal to post every day this month. Please keep posted to see what the heck happens in my world during the holidays. J

Another Milestone

So...last night after "The Lion King" we went to IHOP to get something to eat. It was about 9:45, so there wasn't much open that late that wasn't going to close in 15 minutes.

Hubby and I got to talking about life, in general, and my life and feelings, specifically. In the last few weeks, I realized that I went back to school, not just for me, but also to please my parents. I was looking for their praise, support, and pride. Since I felt as though I got none of those, I was let down and crashed emotionally for the past 3 months (battling depression is a biotch and doesn't let you up easily once you've tripped).

I got a really good birthday card from my folks, and I was willing to forgive everything once again. Last night, I realized this and decided that I'm not going to be the pushover that I have been these past years. I'm tired and can't keep up with this emotionally. It's just not healthy for me. If I weren't related to these people, I would stay away from them because my health and peace of mind are more important. I need to make the same decision with my relatives.

So...I've been wondering why my brother can turn his back so easily while I constantly feel as though I am being a bad person if I do the same. I've thought about it for a while and realized that the only difference between his upbringing and mine is what happened between my grandfather and myself when I was little. I think, in my own way and young mind, I thought I deserved it and decided that I was going to be the "perfect" daughter. I think I was making up for whatever was in my past. Trying to prove to myself and everyone that I wasn't bad and didn't deserve what happened to me.

*side note* I have read the book "What Dreams May Come" and a lot of it makes sense to me - especially the part about choosing the people that are in your life so you can learn the things you need to learn.*

With that in mind, I think I have finally realized the reason I picked this family and the things I have gone through. After all these years of wondering, I finally realized last night that...wait for it...none of it was my fault. Not what happened between me and grandpa (it was before I turned 6 after all). Not the feelings of being unloved by my parents. None of it. I finally BELIEVE that it isn't my fault. In my head, I have known that for years, but knowing it in my heart is a completely different matter.

As of last night, I refuse to shed another tear for this whole situation. I realize that none of it is my fault and that I didn't deserve any of it. Hmmm. Maybe in my next life, things won't be quite so dramatic and hard for me. It's worth a hope anyway.

What gets me most is the fact that once I've been hurt, I let the smallest bit of love sway me into dropping my guard. Of course, this means that within weeks, months, sometimes days, the whole situation starts all over again. My heart is way too soft for this drama. You know, that does not sound like a sign of a terrible or bad person to me. I'm gonna take that to heart and try to remember that this isn't of my doing. I deserve to be loved unconditionally and I thank those in my life that do and will cherish them the rest of my life.

*to those who have left comments recently, thanks so much for your support. I appreciate the thoughts, hugs and well wishes you have sent my way. Y'ALL ROCK!!

The Lion King...

was completely awesome! We had such a good time last night at the play. It was fantastic. The actors/dancers were great. A lot of them were close to the voices in the movie and their singing was sensational. I don't know what else to say about this. If you EVER have a chance to see it, go see "The Lion King" you will not regret it.

Update

We had dinner last night with my folks. It was better than I expected. No one mentioned that mom and I were both hurt last week. We actually had a really good visit for a change - grant it, it was only for about 2 hours. We went to Olive Garden. I love Olive Garden's salad dressing. It is awesome!

Mom and Dad gave us our Christmas gifts from them and my grandma while they were here along with my Birthday presents. For Christmas from Mom and Dad, Hubby and I each got $100. I love getting money as a gift. I love the thrill of shopping and never get the chance to do it anymore - man, I need a job. Mom hates giving money because she doesn't get to shop for us and thinks it's impersonal. Sadly, I usually hate the things she buys me; but, of course, I NEVER tell her that. My birthday gifts from them were suprisingly great. I loved them. I got a plum velour track suit (and it actually fits) along with a Dale Earnhardt Jr. fleece blanket. Those are the best birthday (or Christmas) gifts I've gotten from my parents in quite a while.

Anyway, tonight is "Lion King". I've been looking forward to this play for quite some time. I can't believe Hubby got the tickets. Talk to ya later.

BTW, the Folks decided to leave their car in long-term parking for some reason instead of us picking it up and leaving it. I really didn't mind doing that for them. I would hate to pay those prices, but they didn't leave us a key and they are now on their way to Washington to connect to Hawaii. Hope they have a great time.

Adding links

Keep your eyes posted on the right column as I'm still working through the NaBloPoMo list and will be adding more links to the sites I have enjoyed. BTW, If I have left a message at your site, I will be adding a link to your page within the next week or so. That's how you know I will return. I usually only leave messages on the blogs I especially enjoy and plan on visiting often. :-) So, if your blog isn't listed yet, it will be. I like sharing the blogs I visit with those that may visit here. I figure, if they like my blogs, they're likely to enjoy the bloggers I enjoy.

So...Enjoy!

Struggling Today

Ok, today, I am struggling. Let me give you the background for that statement....

I play World of Warcraft with my husband and some friends. We have our own guild (group we like to play with). Our guild name is Knights Who Say Ni - yes, from "Monty Python's Holy Grail". You can visit our website at nitopia.org and see what we're all about (if you want). Anyway, my husband made signature banners for each of us. The one he made for my character has the saying "Luctor Et Emergo - I struggle and emerge".

This is what he had to say about choosing that motto for me..."Many of us have gone through trials in life and have emerged through the storm a better and stronger person. Or we have barely survived and have learned something of ourselves and others. Just like a caterpillar hides itself away in a cocoon from the harsh world, only to emerge as a beautiful butterfly to face the world a new in a new form and with renewed vigor, we humans too face these same trials in life. I know Flor (my character) personally, my wife, so I know some of her struggles and how she's come through stronger and wiser. So I thought that this fit her well."

So...back to today. I am struggling. I have actually been struggling all week. Some of you may already know that from earlier posts. Also, when I'm having a tough time and need space to think and time to just absorb, I tend to take stupid online quizes and post the results. :-)

Any guesses on why I'm struggling? Let me not keep you in suspense any longer - my parents, duh. I had a phone call from my dad this morning. He called for a couple of reasons:
1) They are supposed to be coming down here to drop off the keys to their car so we can pick it up at the airport for them tomorrow and he wanted to know when we wanted a phone call as they are giving gifts to one of my cousins and my aunt before they see us.
2) (are you sitting down?...this one's long) He wanted to ask me if I was mad at mom. I told him that I wasn't mad at mom...but I was hurt. I told him that she didn't answer the phone when I called last week and hasn't called me, so I thought she was mad at me because I didn't go up there for Thanksgiving and that I was hurt all week. He told me that mom was out of the room when I called and she thought I was mad and she was hurt all week. How was I to know she was out of the room. He told mom she should pick up the phone and call me, but she never did. Dad said mom gets hurt easily and has been hurt a lot. I told him that I've been hurt as well and that he has no idea how often I get hurt by them or G. He said I was right and he apologized for minimizing my feelings in this matter. He went on to say that mom told him that I used to call everyday and that I don't call anymore - I'm the one that's changed. I told dad that I would call on my way to class every day, so I would call while I was driving and that I got lectures for doing that. I'm not in my car every day now, so I don't always think to call. I haven't called every day since I graduated. Hmmm...that's 3 months. Hell, I'll be 38 in a few days and she still lectures me on when to use my phone.

I even went so far as to tell Dad that I have been doing everything I can to make her happy and that I feel as though I can do nothing right whereas G has done nothing, but mom sticks up for him like he can do nothing wrong. Dad said it's not like that, but I told him that's how I perceive it and that's how I feel. I told him that I don't call everyday because I don't think to call every day. He said, "Well we think of you every day." I think of them every day, too, but I don't think to call. Hell...if they think of me that often, why can't they pick up the phone? I told him that it's just as easy for them to call me as it is for me to call them. He acknowledged that, but it doesn't matter. It will probably not change any time soon.

After that exchange, I feel like I've emerged on the other side. Maybe all I needed was to let them know how I've been feeling. Dad still wants me to call Mom, but I'm not going to. I'm sure he's told her about our conversation and maybe she'll call me. We're both stubborn and I don't see a phone call from either side happening today - sadly.

So, am I selfish for not calling and wanting them to make the first step? I feel as though I am trying so hard to keep this family together and it is wearing me out. Am I wrong to want them to reciprocate and think of me for a change?

Not struggling so much now as just frickin' confused. Any thoughts?

p.s. An9ie, thanks so much for your kind words and support. It is very appreciated.

Dilemma

How do you keep your family from hurting you? How do you drop your family? I just don't get it. I don't know that I can, but I know it is the only way to save my piece of mind and sanity. I still have not heard a peep from my mom, yet they will call when they get in town tomorrow because they want us to keep their car while they're on a 2-week cruise so they don't have to pay for parking that entire time.

I know that my family will NEVER completely love me or accept me. I know that no matter how hard I try or how well I do anything, it will never be enough to please them. But to give up makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. I mean, heck, my own brother has pretty much given up on the family and he considers himself a great "Christian". I don't put much stock in the religion thing, but (in my mind and heart) it's wrong to give up on family. I don't want to be a terrible person, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like a second-rate citizen when it comes to my family either. I know I have to make a choice, but how does a person make a choice like that? All this because my mom got her feelings hurt and is being selfish. This has been going on and bothering me since before her birthday in August. She's 60 years old, shouldn't she know better by now? Obviously, if she hasn't changed by now, she isn't going to. I understand that. Hell, I even accept that. What I don't accept is being treated the way I am by my family. None of my feelings matter as long as mom gets her way. That sucks! Why can't they accept me the way I accept them - faults and all?

All I've ever wanted is to be a good daughter. To show my family that I am worthy of their love and make them proud(why don't I feel worthy? Does this all have to do with my grandfather? That one situation is the only difference between my brother's upbringing and mine yet he doesn't let our parents get to him the way I do. Did grandpa tell me my mom wouldn't love me if I told? I have no idea). How can I be a good daughter if I give up on my family? Can I be a good daughter? Family means EVERYTHING to me. I guess I really need to cling to the family I have chosen (some of which I am related to) instead of the family I am related to. This whole situation makes me feel as though I am not a good person. I feel mean, selfish, bad, and terrible for feeling this way.

any suggestions?

Interesting Meme

1. Three things you do that women usually do
Love purses
Have a big selection of makeup (even if I don’t wear it often)
Laundry (why can’t men do this chore occassionally?)
2. Three things you do that men usually do
Pump my own gas (what happened to the good ole days?)
Clutter the house.
Have control of the remote control
3. Three things you do that women usually don’t do
Play online games with my husband
Go to the bathroom with the door open (it’s just me and hubby – dog doesn’t count)
Love watching sports on TV (especially NASCAR and football) and going to sporting events (especially hockey)
4. Three things you do that men usually don’t do
Get my nails done every 3 weeks.
Have my eyebrows waxed.
Dye my hair.
5. Three things you don’t do that women usually do
Shower or bathe every day. I don’t stink, but I have been known to go 2 days without a shower if I’m not going out.
Iron. Anything. If it’s wrinkled, it gets thrown in the dryer with a damp towel. If I know the night before, it gets hung up and sprayed with water so the wrinkles can fall out over night.
Wash my sheets or clean my house every week. Nothing is dirty, just cluttered. Don’t stress over it.
6. Three things you don’t do that men usually do
Don’t cook anything on a grill
Drink beer.
Mow the lawn. Or any type of yard work.
7. Three things you don’t do that women usually don’t do
Fart in public.
Run red lights.
Walk alone at night – actually, I don’t do that during the day either
8. Three things you don’t do that men usually don’t do
Count calories
Lie about my age.
Cry in public

So...what are your responses to this?

6-Word meme Contest

Ok, so there's a Six-Word Meme of Your life

Mine would be...

Loving me, knowing me...is painful

What would yours be?

Obviously...

I got bored last night and had nothing better to do than take nonsense quizes. Hey! I didn't post the results of everyone I took, just the ones I thought you would enjoy seeing.

Well, the NaBloPoMo thing is over and even though I didn't participate (since I was out of town and didn't know it was going on until the middle of the second week), I am still in the process of reading the blogs and leaving comments. What's really sad is that I'm still in the A's! Can you believe it? There were so many participants, and I will read every one of them. I will also add links to the right of those that I found most interesting and will return to, so please look for that. I hope you like my choices. If not, well...they're there for me, now, aren't they? hehe. I do hope you enjoy them, though.

So...Today is Dec 1. In 14 more days, I will be 38 years old. I can hardly believe it. I remember when I was younger thinking that 30 was WAAAY over the hill. It doesn't seem that way anymore. (This was the reason for the quiz regarding "how old do you act") I wanted to see if I act my age...glad to know that I act younger.

I sent the majority of my Christmas cards in yesterday's mail. The only ones I have left are for my Mom/Dad, Brother, and Grandpa. Grandpa's wasn't sent because I need to put money in it. He doesn't get the concept of gift cards and thinks he's being cheated when he uses it. Cash is the best gift for him and causes the least heartache for everyone involved. I didn't send my parents and brothers because I ran out of cards. I bought more last night and will send them today. It was not out of spite or anything like that - that just wouldn't be me. I keep my feelings inside (okay, I let them out here) and they really have no idea how much I've been hurt over the years. I don't think they even realize how much of a "black sheep" I feel. It doesn't matter. It's my perception which makes it my reality not theirs.

I remember being younger and thinking of my little brother as my best friend. Once I graduated high school and went to college, he realized he didn't need me, and we haven't been close since. God, how I miss those days when we were close and would do anything for the other. That was almost 20 years ago, so I guess it's time I got used to it and just moved on.

You know...I mentioned in a meme the other day that I didn't think I was anyone's best friend. I lied (not on purpose). After thinking about it, I realized that I am the best friend of the most important person in my life. I am my hubby's best friend just as he is mine. I can't believe that he never popped into my mind while I was doing that meme. I know that I am his best friend. We have talked about it and mentioned it to each other and helped each other through some tough times. This makes me think that I've been taking him for granted, which is something I NEVER wanted to do. Baby, if you're reading this, I'm sooooo sorry. You are extremely special to me. You mean more to me than you will ever know. You have shown me that I am special the way I am and that I deserve to be loved just the way I am. THANKS!!!!

So...who's your best friend?