Another Milestone

So...last night after "The Lion King" we went to IHOP to get something to eat. It was about 9:45, so there wasn't much open that late that wasn't going to close in 15 minutes.

Hubby and I got to talking about life, in general, and my life and feelings, specifically. In the last few weeks, I realized that I went back to school, not just for me, but also to please my parents. I was looking for their praise, support, and pride. Since I felt as though I got none of those, I was let down and crashed emotionally for the past 3 months (battling depression is a biotch and doesn't let you up easily once you've tripped).

I got a really good birthday card from my folks, and I was willing to forgive everything once again. Last night, I realized this and decided that I'm not going to be the pushover that I have been these past years. I'm tired and can't keep up with this emotionally. It's just not healthy for me. If I weren't related to these people, I would stay away from them because my health and peace of mind are more important. I need to make the same decision with my relatives.

So...I've been wondering why my brother can turn his back so easily while I constantly feel as though I am being a bad person if I do the same. I've thought about it for a while and realized that the only difference between his upbringing and mine is what happened between my grandfather and myself when I was little. I think, in my own way and young mind, I thought I deserved it and decided that I was going to be the "perfect" daughter. I think I was making up for whatever was in my past. Trying to prove to myself and everyone that I wasn't bad and didn't deserve what happened to me.

*side note* I have read the book "What Dreams May Come" and a lot of it makes sense to me - especially the part about choosing the people that are in your life so you can learn the things you need to learn.*

With that in mind, I think I have finally realized the reason I picked this family and the things I have gone through. After all these years of wondering, I finally realized last night that...wait for it...none of it was my fault. Not what happened between me and grandpa (it was before I turned 6 after all). Not the feelings of being unloved by my parents. None of it. I finally BELIEVE that it isn't my fault. In my head, I have known that for years, but knowing it in my heart is a completely different matter.

As of last night, I refuse to shed another tear for this whole situation. I realize that none of it is my fault and that I didn't deserve any of it. Hmmm. Maybe in my next life, things won't be quite so dramatic and hard for me. It's worth a hope anyway.

What gets me most is the fact that once I've been hurt, I let the smallest bit of love sway me into dropping my guard. Of course, this means that within weeks, months, sometimes days, the whole situation starts all over again. My heart is way too soft for this drama. You know, that does not sound like a sign of a terrible or bad person to me. I'm gonna take that to heart and try to remember that this isn't of my doing. I deserve to be loved unconditionally and I thank those in my life that do and will cherish them the rest of my life.

*to those who have left comments recently, thanks so much for your support. I appreciate the thoughts, hugs and well wishes you have sent my way. Y'ALL ROCK!!