Struggling Today

Ok, today, I am struggling. Let me give you the background for that statement....

I play World of Warcraft with my husband and some friends. We have our own guild (group we like to play with). Our guild name is Knights Who Say Ni - yes, from "Monty Python's Holy Grail". You can visit our website at nitopia.org and see what we're all about (if you want). Anyway, my husband made signature banners for each of us. The one he made for my character has the saying "Luctor Et Emergo - I struggle and emerge".

This is what he had to say about choosing that motto for me..."Many of us have gone through trials in life and have emerged through the storm a better and stronger person. Or we have barely survived and have learned something of ourselves and others. Just like a caterpillar hides itself away in a cocoon from the harsh world, only to emerge as a beautiful butterfly to face the world a new in a new form and with renewed vigor, we humans too face these same trials in life. I know Flor (my character) personally, my wife, so I know some of her struggles and how she's come through stronger and wiser. So I thought that this fit her well."

So...back to today. I am struggling. I have actually been struggling all week. Some of you may already know that from earlier posts. Also, when I'm having a tough time and need space to think and time to just absorb, I tend to take stupid online quizes and post the results. :-)

Any guesses on why I'm struggling? Let me not keep you in suspense any longer - my parents, duh. I had a phone call from my dad this morning. He called for a couple of reasons:
1) They are supposed to be coming down here to drop off the keys to their car so we can pick it up at the airport for them tomorrow and he wanted to know when we wanted a phone call as they are giving gifts to one of my cousins and my aunt before they see us.
2) (are you sitting down?...this one's long) He wanted to ask me if I was mad at mom. I told him that I wasn't mad at mom...but I was hurt. I told him that she didn't answer the phone when I called last week and hasn't called me, so I thought she was mad at me because I didn't go up there for Thanksgiving and that I was hurt all week. He told me that mom was out of the room when I called and she thought I was mad and she was hurt all week. How was I to know she was out of the room. He told mom she should pick up the phone and call me, but she never did. Dad said mom gets hurt easily and has been hurt a lot. I told him that I've been hurt as well and that he has no idea how often I get hurt by them or G. He said I was right and he apologized for minimizing my feelings in this matter. He went on to say that mom told him that I used to call everyday and that I don't call anymore - I'm the one that's changed. I told dad that I would call on my way to class every day, so I would call while I was driving and that I got lectures for doing that. I'm not in my car every day now, so I don't always think to call. I haven't called every day since I graduated. Hmmm...that's 3 months. Hell, I'll be 38 in a few days and she still lectures me on when to use my phone.

I even went so far as to tell Dad that I have been doing everything I can to make her happy and that I feel as though I can do nothing right whereas G has done nothing, but mom sticks up for him like he can do nothing wrong. Dad said it's not like that, but I told him that's how I perceive it and that's how I feel. I told him that I don't call everyday because I don't think to call every day. He said, "Well we think of you every day." I think of them every day, too, but I don't think to call. Hell...if they think of me that often, why can't they pick up the phone? I told him that it's just as easy for them to call me as it is for me to call them. He acknowledged that, but it doesn't matter. It will probably not change any time soon.

After that exchange, I feel like I've emerged on the other side. Maybe all I needed was to let them know how I've been feeling. Dad still wants me to call Mom, but I'm not going to. I'm sure he's told her about our conversation and maybe she'll call me. We're both stubborn and I don't see a phone call from either side happening today - sadly.

So, am I selfish for not calling and wanting them to make the first step? I feel as though I am trying so hard to keep this family together and it is wearing me out. Am I wrong to want them to reciprocate and think of me for a change?

Not struggling so much now as just frickin' confused. Any thoughts?

p.s. An9ie, thanks so much for your kind words and support. It is very appreciated.