Monday, July 31, 2006

Blogthings - The Simpsons Personality Test

Blogthings - The Simpsons Personality Test: "
You Are Lisa Simpson

A total child prodigy and super genius, you have the mind for world domination.

But you prefer world peace, Buddhism, and tofu dogs.

You will be remembered for: all your academic accomplishments

Your life philosophy: 'I refuse to believe that everybody refuses to believe the truth'

Kinda scary how close this sounds like me.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Faced a MAJOR Issue this weekend..

This is probably the issue that has sparked all my other issues in life. I hesitate to write about it, but writing about my issues is the reason I started this blog in the first place. To help others that are going through the same you'll know that you are not the only one out there with these issues. Now that I come face to face with the main problem, I fear putting my issues on the web for all to see (because this includes people that know me) and I fear your judgement. I do realize that putting this on the web could also lead to your support, so please don't judge.

Anyway, I got into a fight with my husband this weekend. We hardly ever fight. The only time we fight is when I'm on the verge of a breakthrough regarding an issue I'm struggling with. This was a BIG fight to match the BIG issue. I didn't mean what I was saying and didn't know how to let him know that I was trying to get my feelings out and couldn't find a way to say how I really felt or what I was going through. It truly wasn't him, it was me.

I realized that my issue is that I do not think (or feel) that I deserve to be loved. I think this is why I never felt loved by my family. I questioned their love for me because I couldn't face the real issue - did I deserve that love?

I have ALWAYS felt that I didn't deserve to be see, I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather when I was 5 years old. Deep down, I always wondered...Did I deserve what he did to me? Did he see something in me that needed to be squashed before it got out of hand? If my grandfather could betray me this way, didn't that mean that I wasn't worth loving? He was family..he was supposed to protect me, not harm me. If he could do that to me, doesn't that mean that I probably deserved it somehow? If I deserved what he did, doesn't that mean I don't deserve to be loved by the rest of my family (or anyone for that matter)?

What's worse? He sidelined me when I was in my 20's and apologized. He took me completely by surprise. He asked me to forgive him. I was sooo into church and organized religion at that time that, out of habit, I told him I forgave him. I question that decision all the time. He told me that he never did that to anyone else - was that supposed to make me feel better? That made me feel worse. I questioned my worth even more after that. "WHY ME?" I was so stunned, I didn't ask him. Hell - this happened the weekend of my brother's wedding. I was totally sideswiped by his apology. Obviously he was feeling guilty. He died a few years ago, and I never got the chance or had the courage to ask him why he did this to me. Then I wondered did my grandmother know? Was that the reason she was nice to me? Was she nice to me out of guilt over what her husband did or did she really love me? So many much confusion...and I was all alone. At this point no one knew. I couldn't tell them.

There was a lot on my mind the weekend he apologized...I was struggling through a VERY bad marriage and thinking about divorcing my husband. I was afraid to tell my family about my thoughts of divorce because of their beliefs on it and fear that they wouldn't support me AND they didn't know what was going on in the marriage (we were married for 5 1/2 years and NEVER consumated the marriage - talk about messing with your self-esteem and self-worth). I stayed married because I took my vows "until death do you part" seriously. I was also afraid to go against the teachings I grew up with regarding divorce. With my grandfather issues, I also figured this marriage is what I deserved. I finally had to come to the conclusion that this wasn't a real marriage (we were more like roommates because he made sure he always took night jobs) and that I deserved to be happy. Even though we didn't have a real marriage and he left in July, because of my wedding vows, I didn't date until after the divorce was final the end of August....Anyway, back to the grandfather issues...

That was June 1996. I was 28...

so I'd been through a lot by myself and had all those years of wondering if I was worth it. I battled depression and had thoughts of suicide (thankfully, I never acted on those thoughts - I was always afraid that I wouldn't be found in time - because deep down, I wanted to live). I even called a suicide hotline when I was 19 or 20 - it was BUSY. How can a suicide hotline number be busy? They should have had a multiple line phone system - can you imagine how I felt at that moment? I wasn't worth the hotline number to ring...maybe I didn't deserve to live. yada yada yada. I went through the whole range of emotion on that day.

Needless to say, this weekend...I cried. HARD!! For about 20 minutes. Now you know my secret. Not many people know this about me and those that do have only found out within the past 6-7 years. Which means I have been living with this secret for 30 years on my own with no help or support from anyone. I've been alone. You wonder I'm screwed up emotionally and battled depression. I've lived with this big bad secret that has messed up my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy. I've hidden away and not let anyone know for fear of their rejection. Fear that they would agree that I don't deserve to be loved.

My husband (current husband, best husband, now considered ONLY husband) is one of the first people I told about this, so he has known this whole time, but it isn't something people talk about freely in the open. He has been completely supportive. Needless to say, he has put up with a lot from me because of my issues over the years. BUT, he insisted that I do deserve to be loved and (I'm embarassed to say this) he said I have one of the biggest hearts and am one of the sweetest people he knows. I thought that was sweet. I still can't belive he feels that way about me. If he loves me that much and sees all that good in me, doesn't that mean that I DO deserve to be loved? That there is good in me? That my grandfather wasn't trying to squash something evil in me? I refuse to belive he succeeded in squashing evil!

Hearing about this stuff in the news and on TV, you always hear that it is never the victim's fault - but as a victim, let me tell you, it's hard to believe that it's NOT your fault. It doesn't matter how many times you hear that it isn't your fault or there was nothing you could do to stop it (especially being a child), deep down, you always wonder. And since you hear your inner voice much more frequently than you hear anything else, you believe your inner voice because the other voices aren't louder than your own. I've even heard that you should look at a picture of yourself around the age you were when you were abused to help you realize that there was nothing you could do...that helps a little, but not enough to make you change your mind. At least, that's what it did for me.

Those are my biggest issues...hopefully, those are my last issues.

I hope this post helps someone. You are not alone. I am not alone.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Five Things....

Five things (found on Fireflies)

5 things in my fridge:
1:Carb smart tortillas
2:Skim milk
3:Shredded cheese
4:Fruit/Tomato juices

5 things in my closet:
1:Shoes (about 15 pairs)
2:Pants (quite a few of these)
4:Shirts (lots of these)
5:Clothes that I want to fit back into :-)

5 things in my purse:
3:Small make-up bag (lipstick, eyeliner, tweezers, hand lotion)
4:Reading Glasses
5:Pill box (Benadryl and Advil)

5 things in my car/truck
3:Dog Leash
5:School Supplies

Thursday, July 13, 2006

2 Major Issues...

Well...I've been doing a lot of soul-searching this week. I think because graduation is so close, things are really hitting me. I know I have issues...I've been working through things for quite a while now. I guess I had a LOT of issues and I am now coming to the end of my list of issues.

Anyway....first main issue is the fact that I have always been "afraid to succeed". Whenever it seems I am coming close to reaching a goal, I somehow find a way to sabotage myself. I am 4 weeks away from graduating from college...a 20 year goal almost complete. This is the first thing I have actually completed without quitting (obviously, since it has taken me 20 years, I have quit in the past - but not this time). I realized Monday that it isn't success I am afraid of - it is failure. I'm afraid to finish anything (see it to the end) because of the potential I have to fail at it (which statistically is the same as I have for succeeding in it).

I realized that the reason I am afraid to fail is because I am afraid to let everyone down. I always felt (and still feel) that everyone has high expectations of me and if I were to fail, I would be letting all of them down. In all actuality, no one else is putting expectations on is the expectations I perceive everyone to have of me and the expectations I am putting on myself. I guess that means that I ask way too much from myself and need to let up on myself and realize that I don't have to hold myself to such a high standard.

Second.....I finally realized that I get disappointed each time I talk to my mom because I am expecting her to be someone she is not. I look for her to be supporting of me and when she isn't (which is all the time), I get disappointed and hurt. I finally came to the conclusion that she is doing her best. She is just not giving me what I need and will never be able to do that for me. That's fine. I just need to remember to not expect it out of her - this will help me to keep from being hurt and disappointed all the time. I realize she loves me in her own way whether I "feel" it or not. I just need to accept her for the person she is just as I want her to accept me for the person I am. Just because I do not "feel" that she is accepting of me doesn't mean that she isn't (in her own way).

So...those are the conclusions I have come to this week and the issues I have been working through.

I have also been watching what I eat for the past two weeks. I would like to lose some weight before graduation. I have been working out for the past two weeks - 3 times a week for 30 minutes each day. Bob and I have decided that we are not going to be eating out at all for the next 5 weeks (starting this week). We've done very well this week. We have not eaten out once (for any meal), which is pretty close to a miracle for us. :-)

Well...that's life in a nut shell right now fo rme. I hope if anyone else is having these same issues, that my blogging will help you realize you are not alone. That is one thing I struggle with - feeling that no one else knows what I am going through. Please know that these issues are normal for quite a few people and you are NOT alone. Sorry I got so wordy...after looking through all of this, it seems kind of jumbled, but you know what I mean.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Update on Life

Well, today is the 4th of July (as if you didn't already know that). We are in the process of putting in a patio. Actually, we're expanding our existing patio which is only 12x10 or so. We want to get it completed before my graduation on Aug 12.

This weekend, we have spent lots of time with K. He is such a sweetie (most of the time).

My picture was in the local paper yesterday for the award I won in April at college. I was shocked. I walked into the allergist's office to get my weekly allergy shots and the woman behind the counter bowed to me. I asked her what that was for and she told me I was in the paper. That she was excited when she opened the paper because she "knew me". Since I don't get the paper, I had no idea. We bought it for the first couple of weeks after the banquet because the picture was supposed to be in the paper. I gave up looking for it and was glad that I met someone yesterday, or I would never have known my picture was there. :-)