Friday, October 27, 2006
I found this story on A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ME
[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]
"I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay For their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots. But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.
Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in Marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a Wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and Pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day.
Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back Mountain climbing and once
hauled him across the U.S. On a bike.
Makes Taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?
And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick Was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him Brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.
"He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him And his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. "Put him in an Institution.''
But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes Followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the Engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was Anything to help the boy communicate. "No way,'' Dick says he was told. "There's nothing going on in his brain.'' "Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain.
Rigged up with a computer that allowed Him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his Head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? "Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the School organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, "Dad, I want to do that.''
Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described "porker'' who never ran More than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he Tried. "Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. "I was sore For two weeks.'' That day changed Rick's life. "Dad,'' he typed, "when we were running, It felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''
And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly Shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.
"No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a Single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few Years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then They found a way to get into the race Officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the Qualifying time for Boston the following year.
Then somebody said, "Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''
How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he Was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick Tried.
Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud Getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?
Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? "No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for "the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with A cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.
This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best Time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world Record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the Time.
"No question about it,'' Rick types. "My dad is the Father of the Century.''
And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a Mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries Was 95% clogged. "If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' One doctor told him, "you probably would've died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.
Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.
That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy. "The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''
Here’s the video
Hubby and I are going out of town this weekend. He has a training session in
I’m currently doing laundry and will be packing for the trip. I’m also going to be coloring my hair once the clothes go in the dryer. I’m only 37, but I have so much gray. My grandmother was salt and pepper by the time she was 42. I’m taking after her. The gray is really pronounced, but not for long. I’m coloring it a medium brown (it’s close to my natural color) and with the gray, it looks like I have highlights when it’s colored. Pretty sweet.
I think I’ve figured out what’s been bugging me recently (now that I’ve got the past under control). I don’t know that I’m ready to do anything about it or not though. That’s what I’ve got to figure out next. What’s been bugging me is my weight. I guess I need to find an exercise program that I like and can keep doing. I’ve signed up for Curves, but it’s out of the way to get there, and I would prefer something I can do at home. I have exercise DVD’s I’m thinking about pulling out, but right now, I have no space to do it in the room I have a DVD player. I need to move furniture so that the rooms I have the space to exercise also has the right electronic equipment so I can play the tapes or DVD’s.
Anyway…I’ve got some books I’m going to take with me on the trip (exercise books as well as others). I’ve started reading Flowers for Algernon. Very interesting book and sad as well. I’m taking it with me as well as The Alchemist. I’m going to reread that book on this trip. I’ve also got a few others I’m going to take as well. I’m looking forward to all of them. Maybe during this week, I can come to the conclusion that I’m finally ready to take charge of my weight before it gets out of hand.
The clothes are done washing, so I’m gonna put them in the dryer and color my hair. J
Sunday, October 22, 2006
I then found myself praying to my grandfather. I was extremely surprised by what I found myself saying. I told him that I was tired of being angry and was done with hating him. Surprisingly, I found that I was. I know that he lived with guilt his entire life over it. I know that it took a lot of courage for him to ask for my forgiveness and tell me he was sorry. I accept all of that now. I told him that his telling me he never did anything like that to anyone else made me wonder what was wrong with me. Then it made me wonder if he chose me because I was accessible. I understood it all.
Amazingly, I found that it no longer mattered. None of it. It doesn't matter that I always questioned my place in my family. It doesn't matter that my religious beliefs do not mirror those of my parents. Thinking back, I realize that my beliefs probably resemble those of my grandmother. I just didn't realize it until it was too late to ask her anything about it. That's okay. It no longer matters either.
It was like I had an epiphany. None of it matters. What matters is that I am the person I am today. I am this person because of the things that happened in my past. I was actually able to thank my grandfather - not for what happened, but - for the reaction I had to the experience. I was thankful that I do not have that memory. I think if I were to have that memory, I would have handled things differently. Which means that I would be a different person today. I'm thankful that the experience opened my eyes and made me question everything. That is probably the most important event of my life. It opened my eyes and kept me from blindly following any and everyone. That is what I was thankful for.
I am who I am because of the things in my past and how I handled each of those situations. Change one of those things or one reaction and I would be a different person today. Which means I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be this person that has her own beliefs and knows exactly what those beliefs are and doesn't have to put a label on those beliefs, but simply believes.
Knowing that none of it matters - nothing but life itself - finding what is important in my life - finding exactly what it is I believe (without having to put a label on it) - is that self-actualization? Is that what I've really been searching for all these years? Have I finally found it? Whatever it is, I was able, after all that thinking and praying, to fall asleep without crying my heart out. I didn't shed a tear. I'm finally done with it - with all of it. I feel free.
Friday, October 20, 2006
I wasn’t sure if my last post was accepted (I was having problems with blogger and it didn’t accept my post for some reason) so I rewrote it. The things I have to say here are things that I wrote in my second post and thought they’d be good to add to my last post. Please forgive me if there are a few repeats between the two posts. You will definitely need to read the first post to completely understand this one. I think.
For years, I have felt as though I had to hide part of who I am. I do not want to go through the rest of my life (or work life) having to do the same thing. I finally got out of the habit of hiding who I am and actually showing people the real me (thanks to my lovely husband). I realized the last few weeks that I have fallen into the same old habits at work. That’s why I haven’t been blogging or happy for the past few weeks. I’ve fallen back into my old habits and I was NEVER happy in those habits.
The books mentioned in the last post are going to help me get back into serious reading. I’ve always wanted to read all of the classics of literature, all the books that have won the Pulitzer, and all the books that end up on “The New York Times” Best Seller List. I have such a list from a couple of years ago that I am now starting to tick them off. Nerdy, I know; but hey, that’s just me.
Frieda told me a few places here in town where she gets good books at cheap prices – goodwill, salvation army, and another store that I don’t remember the name, but know exactly where it is. You know I’m gonna go check out those locations.
My husband couldn’t believe that, not only did I talk to yet another stranger regarding books, but that this stranger also gave me not one but two bags of books. These are going to help me get back into the serious track of reading. I can’t wait until we get our next (and final) home where I can set up a room as a library. I have been looking forward to that for years.
I realized while at that job that I was hiding part of who I am. When I drove in the parking lot, I found that I turned my radio down because I knew some of the songs I listen to would either offend or shock them. I found myself talking more about religious topics than I normally would. It was like I was not wanting to stand out and be different from the people I worked with. I can't live my life like that any longer. I am me! I don't believe in organized religion, but I believe in a Higher Power/Being (whatever you want to call it). I think religion in a personal thing and a personal relationship between a person and whatever Higher Power they choose to believe in. I believe people from all religions will be in Heaven (if there is a place we go after death and don't just start a new life cycle). I haven't figured out exactly how I feel about life after death, an after life, or reincarnation. I'll figure that out one day, but not at the moment.
In order to help me get a handle on me, who I am, what my purpose for being here is, and implementing that purpose, I have purchased a few books that others on the Net have described as "books that have changed their lives". I bought Flowers for Algernon, Angela's Ashes, The Alchemist, and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. I read The Alchemist, but I am going to read it again when I have more time to just concentrate on the book and the messages it contains. We will be taking a trip the week of the 30th. I'm planning on taking these books with me to read. I think it will be a perfect time for reading these books while Hubby will be in class during the days. I'll be in my own "class" of sorts.
Anyway...I'm such a nerd. It seems my hobby is, always has been, and probably always will be...reading. I met a lady at Walgreens yesterday. No matter what store I go to, I always have to check out their book section. So, at Walgreen yesterday, I'm looking at the books and a lady started talking to me about books and authors. Come to find out, she only reads books once. I tend to read books multiple times and keep them. In my family, the progression of books is that my mom reads it first, then my grandma reads it, then I read it because I'm the one that will keep it and will pick it up again for another read.
Anyway, in our discussion yesterday, I mentioned this to this lady. Her name is Frieda. I love that name. Anyway, she said she had a bag of books she was going to give her daughter (who is a mother of three and will probably end up not reading them but giving them away), so she decided to give them to me instead. I met her at Walgreens this afternoon, and she gave me two bags of books. I got 24 books from this lady. And they're of different genres which is great. I want to branch out my reading style. I've been stuck in a rut of reading romance novels for the past few years because they're easy to read when you don't have a lot of time and just want to relax. You don't really have to concentrate on what you're reading. So now I have 24 books in various genres that I can't wait to get into. Add to those the four books I mentioned earlier and I am on my way to a more serious book collection and expanding my mind. WooHoo! Can't wait.
|You Belong in Dublin|
Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.
|Your English Skills:|
No wonder I love proofreading.
|Your Taste in Music:|
90's Pop: Highest Influence
Country: Highest Influence
90's Alternative: High Influence
R&B: High Influence
90's Rock: Medium Influence
All thanks to my husband for sharing his huge CD collection and tastes in music with me over the years.
|You Are a Mermaid|
You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are.
While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need.
Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational.
You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.
|You Should Be a Film Writer|
You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind.
You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life.
Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling.
And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!
That is so true of me…I just can’t figure out how to get the stories out of my head and onto paper…imagine that!
|Your Aura is Blue|
Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.
You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.
The purpose of your life: showing love to other people
Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah
Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor
|Your Stress Level is: 47%|
You are somewhat prone to stress, especially when life gets hard.
When things are good, you resist stressing over little problems.
But when things are difficult, you tend to freak out and find it hard to calm down.
Yep, that about sums it up.
2. What color are your socks right now? White
3. What are you listening to right now? TV – Sabrina the teenage witch
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Gyros platter
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Nope
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? lavendar
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Hubby
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Love the blog
9. How old are you today? 37
10. Favorite drink: iced coffee
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Hockey, NASCAR Cup, football
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes
13. Favorite curse word? Shit, hell, and damn (but my husband says those aren’t curse words)
14. Pets? Dickens (a Bichon)
15. Favorite food? Mexican
16. What was the last movie you saw? Over the Hedge
17. What do you do to vent anger? clean
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? Teddy bear named Fred (as in Flintstone)
19. What is your favorite Fall or Spring? fall!
20. Hugs or kisses? Hugs – they make me feel safe
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Chocolate, if I must choose one of those - cherry
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? sure
23. Who is most likely to respond? I don't know
24. Who is least likely to respond? I would be happy if one did
25. Living arrangements? House with Husband and Dickens
26. When was the last time you cried? 10 minutes ago - it's been a rough week
27. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes and a laundry basket of clean clothes
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?
29. What did you do last night? Watched TV while Playing WoW with husband
30. Favorite smells? Chocolate, coffee, pipe tobacco
31. What inspires you? Husband
32. What are you afraid of? Bugs and not being loved
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? cheese
34. Country you would most like to visit? Greece
35. Favorite dog breed? All the small ones
36. Number of keys on your key ring?
37. How many years at your current job? 3 (unemployed – got a college degree)
38. Favorite day of the week? Saturday (you’ve got a whole other day to rest, relax, and spend with nephew)
39. How many states have you lived in? 4
40. Favorite Holidays? All of them
41. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Does an order selector count?
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
|You Are A Fig Tree|
You are very independent and strong minded.
A hard worker when you want to be, you play hard too.
You are honest and loyal. You hate contradiction or arguments.
You love life, and you live for your friends, children, and animals.
A great sense of humor, artistic talent, and intelligence are all gifts you possess.
|Your Birth Month is December|
You love life and exude an outgoing, cheerful vibe.
Blessed with a great sense of humor, you can laugh at adversity.
Your soul reflects: Celebration, success, and wealth
Your gemstone: Blue Topaz
Your flower: Narcissus
Your colors: Indigo, green, and blue-green
|Your Famous Last Words Will Be:|
"What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous."
|Your Hidden Talent|
You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!
|You Are 35% Left Brained, 65% Right Brained|
The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.
The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.
Monday, October 16, 2006
In regards to work, I tendered my resignation verbally today. They said they didn't need it in writing. I told them it was possibly my thyroid and the doctors are doing tests to find out, but that the doctor said it could be a few months before I get my full strength and everything back to normal. I told them that I don't want them to be without a person in that position for a few months because I know that position is needed. She agreed with that, so I told her it would probably be best if I concentrated on my health and tendered my resignation. She agreed that I need to take care of myself and get better. I used a line that I know they couldn't dispute - yeah...I used their own beliefs against them. I told her that maybe this is "God's way" of slowing me down and making me take care of myself. I have been pushing myself pretty hard for 3 years (I completed a 4 year degree in that time) and haven't started to slow down yet. Maybe this is a sign that I need to slow things down. Well, I have started to slow down now, haven't I? They are mailing me my check for the past 2 weeks. I should get it tomorrow. Anyway, I'm out of there at least and won't work for another company that asks me inappropriate questions during my interview...that's for sure.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
No matter how I think or feel now, I constantly have a small voice inside me which reminds me of the training instilled in me and causes me to question myself on an almost daily basis. I have been searching for a system to put into place - whether religion or philosophy in any form. There are some that appeal to me, but why do I need any one system to put into place? I have actually been making my own, of sorts, by piecing together the things I agree with of all the religions and philosophies. Just call me a cleptomaniac. That's fine by me. :-) I can't imagine following a religion, philosophy, or train of thought without believing in all parts of it; but I have no trouble taking what I agree with of the many and putting them together to form my own.
Isn't that what we all need to do? Find out what it is we really believe. There's no need for it to have a label of any kind attached to it. We just need to follow our hearts and our beliefs whatever they may be.
Ok...on to other pressing issues...
I think the reason I have been exhausted for the past 2 months is because I have mono. I have a dr. appointment tomorrow, so we will know for sure. I have all the symptoms and didn't realize that much time has gone by where I have been so tired. Time is just flying by.
In regards to my workplace, I have decided to use this weakness (whatever it turns out to be) into my excuse to leave the company I work for. There is a lady that is pregnant in the office and I don't want to give her whatever this is. I just don't know how to tell them that I don't like some of their practices and comments regarding certain issues - most of which are religious based. Is that really a reason to leave a job? I just don't feel comfortable there and this is the best time to leave - before they can't live without me. :-) I've only been there about 3 weeks, so I'm still in my trial period anyway.
Anyhow, if this turns out to be mono, I'm going to need to take time to do nothing but rest so I can get over it. I don't want them to leave my position open when they really need someone to accomplish the job and I'm not guaranteed to get over this anytime soon. An excuse, maybe; but it gets me out of an uncomfortable situation (for me) without leaving a bad taste in anyone's mouth and I don't come across looking...I don't know how it would make me look to tell them that I am just uncomfortable because of the religion thing. They shouldn't have to change who and what they are to please me. Heck, they've been there forever, they all feel the same way, the majority of them are related to the owner in some way, and I wouldn't want them to try and change who I am or what I believe, so I can't ask them to do something I wouldn't be willing or feel comfortable doing myself. You know, I feel a weight lifted regarding this decision and my husband supports it and me. It's amazing how one feels when you finally admit the truth to yourself and the person whose acceptance you value above all others and fear the most of not having - and then to learn that they're okay with your decision it's just so liberating and makes you fall in love with that person even more.
My stupid insecurities never cease to freak me out and catch me off guard. Oh well...the rest will have to remain for another day.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
1. I'm in a room by myself and the only time anyone else is in the office is when a customer comes in, someone's going in or out, or someone has something they want to give me to do.
2. This is such a small company that they do things that would be completely wrong in any other company. For example, we had a company lunch and they actually said a prayer over it. They asked me inappropriate questions during my two interviews (Was I married, Did I have any kids, Are you Baptist - this one because I went to a Baptist high school, and the owner asked me if I thought there would be Baptists in Heaven).
3. I think I'm uncomfortable to a degree in the workplace. Yes, I think there will be Baptists in Heaven, but I also think there will be people of all other religions in Heaven also.
4. They make it no secret that they are against gays, same sex marriage, and people living together before they are married.
5. I'm afraid to be myself...afraid I'm going to slip and say a curse word or say something completely inappropriate according to those I work with.
Maybe I just have a problem with the religion thing as a whole. I think I'm afraid that I'm not going to be accepted or that I'm going to be judged because my beliefs do not follow the beliefs of others. I need to find a way to get over this feeling of inadequacy or fear because my beliefs do not mirror those of others. I'm glad I'm not a sheep and that I have beliefs that are my own. So, why do I feel fear or inadequate? My happiness doesn't depend, shouldn't depend, on anyone else's thoughts or feelings of me.
I feel like I still have so much to work on. Growing up in church, I still feel like I am doing something wrong for having beliefs different than those I was taught. Are these the real reasons I haven't been feeling well at work? Is it all in my head and heart? Not in my body? I guess my appointment on Monday will show me just how much I need to work on. You know...I want people to accept me for my beliefs, shouldn't I accept others for theirs as well. I can listen to what they have to say without taking it to heart or feel that they are pushing their beliefs on me. Man, I need to remember this!!!
**HEY!! I've been blogging for a year. WooHoo!!** Man how times fly when you're having fun. Love you guys, you've helped me put a lot of things into perspective and helped me get a lot of things out that I needed to understand and put into perspective (like the above). Thanks.
Friday, October 13, 2006
For now...I found some of these on Dante's Virgil (you can click the link on the right).
|You Are Dr. Pepper|
You're very unique and funky, yet you still have a bit of traditionalism to you.
People who like you think they have great taste... and they usually do.
Your best soda match: Root Beer
Stay away from: 7 Up
|You Are 9: The Peacemaker|
You are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others.
Your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is conflict.
You are easy going and accepting. You take things as they come.
Avoding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm.
|You Are Superman|
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
And pretty cute too. No wonder you're the most popular superhero ever!
|Your Kissing Purity Score: 57% Pure|
For you, kissing isn't a casual thing
Lip to lip action makes your heart sing
|You Are Jan Brady|
Brainy and a little introverted, you tend to think life is a lot worse than it actually is.
And while you may think you're a little goofy looking, most people consider you to be a major babe.
|You Have Good Karma|
In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others.
Your caring personality really shines through.
Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out.
But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.
|Your Eyes Should Be Brown|
Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom
What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart
|You Are 58% Angry|
Generally, you are not an angry person.
But you're easily frustrated and enraged. You have one heck of a temper.
And because of your anger, you tend to feel resentful and even spiteful.
You already know how to quell your anger. You just need to do it more often.
|Your Inner Child Is Sad|
You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.
Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.
|You Are a Peacemaker Soul|
You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.
War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.
You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.
Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.
You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.
On the flip side, you've got a great sense of humor and wit.
You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul
Monday, October 02, 2006
As you can imagine, about 7 or 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with depression due to a chemical imbalance. I went on medication for a while and was taken off of the medication slowly. Now I seem to only have those thoughts when I'm due for my period (I figured that out today on my drive home). That seems to be the only time my hormones and everything gets knocked out of whack and I start back on my dangerous thought patterns.
Before you get worried, I have NEVER acted on these thoughts and I do not plan on it. These thoughts just run through my mind occassionally. I realized today (right after having the thoughts actually) that these are not normal thoughts. That's a Great realization for me. I also realized that I now only get them around "that time of the month". At least now I know that these thoughts will pass. I used to think that there was nothing but these feelings. I used to not have anything but these types of thoughts.It's good to be partially "normal". Grant it, I still have these thoughts which aren't normal or healthy, but at least I know that they will pass and that I do want to live and not act on those thoughts.
Anyway...had those thoughts today and thought I would share to get them out of my head.