Monday, December 24, 2007
Friday was the last day of work for both H and I until the new year. We have spent some time each day with K and K2. They are both gettign so big. I can't believe that K will be 5 in two weeks. K2 is absolutely adorable. She smiles at me all the time with very little effort on my part. I love it! Her smile is so beautiful. I could sit and watch her all day long. We will be going over there early tomorrow morning to see K open his gifts. We bought K2 a BUNCH of cute clothes. I can't wait to see them on her. They are so cute. We also bought her a plush doll that when you pull the string ont he bottom, it plays the lullaby I hum to her that she tries to sing back to me. I can't wait to see the look on her face when it starts to play.
We got K 3 DVDs. That boy has more toys than he even knows what to do with. He doesn't even play with half of them AND he can't go to any store without coming out with a new toy of some kind. We're sure his mom will appreciate the DVDs instead of the toys that they can't seem to teach him to pick up. :-)
We got a card with money in it from my parents. $100 each. H ahs used his for new clothes. I'm also going to use mine on new clothes. I bought a really nice pair of jeans yesterday at Kohl's. They are size 14 and a little tight in the waist (a bit of a muffin top) but they should look GREAT in just a few weeks. I will be going shopping on the 31st with a friend and I hope to get a bunch more clothes at t hat time. I'm hoping H's family gives me cash to help with the purchase of clothes. :-) We got our gifts from G and his family today. H got a gift card to Bests Buy. He's looking forward to spending that. I got a cream sweater. I'm planning on wearing it tomorrow.
I hope you all have a great day with your families tomorrow. Until later...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
H and his family have been great to me. They are definitely spectacular people. They’ll never know how much they mean to me. Today was a little better. I turned off my phone because I didn’t want to talk to my folks today. When I turned it back on, I had one voice mail from my dad saying he hoped I had a good day. Yeah...I haven’t called him back and have no idea when I’ll be talking to them again. Sadly, I feel bad that I don’t want to talk to them, but I still can’t really talk/think about it without crying/tearing up.
This year (my 39th) is definitely going to be better than past years. I started it off by letting my parents know exactly how I felt for a change. I don’t know how things will turn out with my family, but I’m definitely going to take better care of myself and stand up for myself this year even if it means that I feel bad for standing up for myself and staying away from them for a bit.
Sadly, this isn’t the first time they have hurt me badly, but it is the first time they have forgotten my birthday. One main time they hurt me was last year when I graduated from college (Aug. 2006). I asked my mom if they were going to throw me a party (because H’s family was talking about it). Mom told me I could throw my own party. Yeah, thanks for your support. When they came down, they told me they would be willing to go in halves for whatever H’s family paid for the party they threw me. A little too little too late.
In 2005, they came down for Christmas but decided to leave 3 days before Christmas. I was pissed and hurt. So I guess they’ve been hurting me pretty badly once a year for the past three years.
There are days that I hate them and I feel guilty for feeling that way. Thanks again to everyone for the birthday wishes. Sorry I dumped all this on you. I just had to get it all out.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Manda, Thanks so much for the offer of teaching them a lesson and busting knee caps. :-) I really needed the laugh and your kind words mean so much. Manda, I'm so sorry you've gone through this as well. It amazes me just how much we have in common.
It's 8PM here and I actually just got off the phone with my parents. I CALLED THEM! I didn't want to be sad the remainder of the night and I've been crying off/on since 4:30 this afternoon. I figured they wouldn't know how much I was hurt if I didn't tell them. Here's part of my conversation:
Dad (when he picked up the phone): Ho! Ho! Ho!
Me: Did you forget something today?
Me: Did you forget something today?
Me: Today's my birthday and not one family member called me (I burst into tears while saying this - I didn't mean to and didn't want to. It just happened)
He apologized profusely and started listing all the things they did today and how he didn't turn on his PDA.
Me: That's no excuse for forgetting my birthday
D: You're right
We talked for a few more minutes. Mostly I cried and he kept apologizing.
3 minutes into our conversation, my brother calls and goes into voicemail. Honestly, when I called, I expected Mom to leave the room and call G to tell him to call me. He left a short message telling me happy birthday and he hoped I had a good day and enjoyed it (he sounded extremely sheepish which is rare for him - yep, he forgot, too). He also said that he and his family were on their way out the door to see Christmas lights and that we'd talk later. I'm fine with this. I know my entire family forgot about me today. Strange, though how I never forget one of their birthdays and they ALL get a call from me on their day.
Dad: your mom just walked back into the room and she wants to talk to you. (yep! Mom called G)
My conversation with mom was pretty much like my convo with dad with a few added parts.
Me: You didn't even think of me today. ON MY BIRTHDAY!
Mom: yes, I did. I even talked to you with (friends of theirs)...In a good way (yes! She qualified that statement).
Me: yet you didn't even think of my birthday.
Mom: well, since I don't work anymore, I never know what day it is.
Me: you haven't worked in years and you've NEVER forgotten my birthday before.
Mom: I know. It's no excuse for not calling
Me: you're right. It's not.
Mom: you know we love you
Me: most days. Today, I had my doubts and I've been crying since 4:30. I've been expecting your phone calls all day and they never came. H dragged me out of the house for dinner because I was so down. I didn't even want to go, but he made me. (H is so good to me)
Mom: we're so sorry (she's in tears at this point)
Me: you know how you'd feel if I forgot YOUR birthday (mom is all about making sure her birthday lasts all weekend and she gets to do EVERYTHING she wants no matter what anyone else wants)
Mom: I know. I'm so sorry
When we hung up the phone, mom was still in tears. That's the first time I've EVER been able to tell them when they've hurt me. It took me 39 years to get to that point. Now that it's all out, I have to admit that I feel so much better.
Is it any wonder I feel more comfortable and loved with H's family than I do my own? By the way, part of the day was REALLY good. The problem was that all day, I expected to receive 2 phone calls that NEVER came. So I was disappointed and hurt all day no matter what good thing happened.
For lunch, we went to the restaurant H's parents own and the sushi chef (who I've only known for 2 months) made me a special birthday sushi roll and decorated the plate (he was working on this as we were walking through the door). Even he was better to me today than my family! Since H's parents were working today, we will be going over there tomorrow. They wanted to take us out to lunch, but they really don't have to. They make me feel special and loved every day and I can't even explain how they do it. I just feel it from them.
Anyway, thanks again for your love and support. You'll never know how good you made me feel or what you mean to me.
I'm done blogging for the night. I'm hurting way too much to be able to write about this without sounding EXTREMELY bitter and I don't want to be bitter or bitchy and, sadly, that's exactly how I feel right now.
I hope you are all having a much better day than I am. Until later...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Ty's Girl over at Nucking Futs categorizes her blogroll in the most creative and hilarious ways (you really should go over there if for no other reason than to see her categories). She is absolutely amazing. She is so creative and hangs it all on the line. She keeps nothing back and is a great photographer. If you want to read something real, take a stroll to Nucking Futs. She will have you in stitches in no time.
Keep H in your thoughts. He has bronchitis and will be home from work ALL week. I wonder if he'll clean my house. HA! Kidding
WWAWP Update - I lost another .8 pounds this week. WooHoo! I've lost a total of 21.8 pounds now. I really do love the Core Plan. I don't feel like I'm on a diet at all. It just feels as though I'm making healthier choices (which I am). I have and haven't been following the program the past two weeks. I have because I AM making healthier choices. I haven't because I'm not writing anything down or paying complete attention to the "extra points" I've been eating even though I haven't gone too far past my 35 weekly points. Grant it...with the Core Program, I technically don't have to write anything down, but it really does help to keep you accountable and realizing exactly what you are putting in your mouth. So, even though I have technically been following the Plan, I don't feel as though I have. Starting tomorrow (the beginning of my week) I will be writing down everything I eat. I'm sure if I write everything down all week, it will make me more aware of what I am eating and I will probably lose more weight.
Next week is the last weigh-in before Christmas. I won't have another weigh-in until January 8. I will be writing down everything I eat from now until then. I really don't want to gain over this holiday season. I lost a little over 2 pounds over Thanksgiving, so there is no reason I can't maintain (or even lose) over Christmas and New Years.
Tomorrow is Hump Day. I wonder if I'll remember during Wednesday so I can post a "happy hump day" post on the actual day. :-)
Friday, December 07, 2007
So, the things I’m thankful for this past week:
1. Holiday meals that don’t make me gain weight. WooHoo! That’s a HUGE one for me. We had a holiday pot luck at work Monday and I ate things that I would normally eat –sweet potato casserole, dressing, cranberry salad, brownie, and cherry cheesecake. I still LOST 1.4 pounds this week. I couldn’t believe it. I guess because I’ve been eating healthy the majority of the time, eating poorly a few times doesn’t hurt my waist as much. Then again, I was really conscious of the portions I had of each item. I had maybe half a serving spoon each of the casserole, dressing and cranberry salad. I only had half a brownie and two bites (it was an individual cup) of the cherry cheesecake (it didn’t hit the spot, so I didn’t continue eating it).
2. The Weight Watcher’s Core Plan does NOT feel like a diet. When weighing in this week, my leader asked (as always) how it was going. I told her that Core scares me a little because I don’t feel like I am on a diet at all. I feel as though I am just eating healthier and making healthier choices. In all actuality, this is a GREAT way to feel. I am looking at this being a lifestyle change. I do not EVER want to re-gain any of the weight I have lost. There is no reason for me to gain the weight back. I gained the weight as a defense mechanism. Now that I understand that, I have other things in place to deal with those situations IF I ever face them again. If I were on Flex, I could not make that a lifestyle change. I know that I will not be able to forever count point values in the foods I eat, but I know that I can make healthier choices.
3. I am thankful for Weight Watcher Member websites that have Core recipes like Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone and Bootcamp Buddies that have HUNDREDS of Core recipes as well as links in their forums to other websites with Core recipes. There is no reason for anyone to think that “Core” is just grilled lean meat and vegetables. These sites throw that notion right out the window. I have a three-ring binder that has become my Core cookbook and I already have OVER 150 recipes in it.
4. I had a fantastic talk with G on Tuesday. That was his 37th birthday. Yep! My younger brother is 37. He is such a great dad. He is a stay at home dad because M makes 3x’s more money teaching college than he ever could and they know that. If G worked a regular full-time job, M would still have to be out of the house for 4-5 hours a day in a part-time job to help make ends meet. As it is now, she gets home from work before 1:00 EVERY afternoon (sometimes before 12 depending on the day). They have the whole afternoon to spend together as a family. G is there to be a good role model for his boys instead of those families whose dad is at work and only sees the children for 2-3 hours before the kids go to bed (that’s how we grew up – at least their kids will have a relationship with their dad and can say that they know him on a “personal” level). I think it’s great. G and M are a little frustrated because both sets of grandparents (our parents and M’s parents) don’t understand this. They are from the old school where men and women have a certain role to fill in the home and if that role isn’t being filled by the appropriate gender than things aren’t right. It’s amazing that M’s brothers (she has 2)/their wives/H/and I all seem to understand and applaud them for being the parents they are and for having the courage to step out of and think out of the box in order to have a happy family and still have the finances in place to live.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
My birthday, in general, has never bothered me. Honestly, I'm only one day older than I was the day before. I know this and I say this almost every year, if not to myself then to someone else who's having a rough time around their birthday. When looking at a birthday that way, it really is no big deal. Having said that, though, surprisingly 30 actually hit me pretty hard. It wasn't the actual day itself that hit me hard. It was the whole year realizing I was "going to be 30 this year" had me in tears occasionally from January until December. The day itself was great. It was the anticipation, the remembering yourself as a child saying "30 is old" made the whole year extremely difficult for me. That is the only time that having my birthday at the end of the year and anticipating it all year long was hard for me. I don't think I'll have the same dread this next year as I look forward to 40. Hey, that's a good mantra for me this next year "Looking Forward to 40!" Ha!
There were actually a lot of things going on in my life the year I turned 30. I was sexually harassed at work, I was in the midst of my worst depression ever, it was the first time a doctor has ever diagnosed me with depression, and I started gaining weight that year as a defense mechanism to the sexual harassment. That year was very strange in many ways due to all of those circumstances. It's nice now to look back on it all and realize that I was just going through a hard time that, in all reality, had nothing to do with my turning 30.
While typing the above paragraph, I realized that my defense mechanism (gaining weight in order to hide myself and become invisible to everyone around me) was actually due to a lot more than just the sexual harassment I was facing at work from the guys in the warehouse. Face it...I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather at the age of 4, I had a boyfriend that tried to push sex on me (I didn't do it, but in my mind, he tried to rape me), then the sexual harassment. I really think that I thought I needed to hide becuase there was something about me that kept drawing this type of person to me and it scared the living shit out of me. I had to hide myself from these people somehow and gaining weight was the only way I knew to do it (hell, I had seen it work for my mom almost my entire life - I saw her at her biggest and when she lost the weight as well as how people reacted to her all along the way. It's sad that people you have known for 20 years can treat you differently because you've lost a lot of weight instead of just being your friend when you actually need one). Anyway...I no longer feel that I need to hide and realize that I really over-reacted on the boyfriend issue. He didn't even know about my past and had no clue that I had a problem so that really wasn't his fault. He was just a normal guy and I was a lonely girl looking for love anywhere I could find it. I just happened to get scared when it got to this point and ran home (I was in FL [in college] at the time and my family was in CA). The grandfather bit and the sexual harassment were actually just dirty men and the other guys in the warehouse that made comments about my looks thought they were complimenting me. Who knew that not every girl working in a warehouse isn't a slut that wants to hook up with everyone? We had quite a few of those females in our warehouse, and the guys did know that I was different and not like that (they actually looked out for my best interests the majority of the time - now that I look back without the emotion I was feeling at the time), they just didn't know how to talk to someone that wasn't into life just for the sexual gratification (maybe I just didn't know how to take guys that I didn't know - that seems more likely the truth). I realize all that now but back then, I lumped it all into the same category - "these predators are after me" (that about sums up my feelings at that time). 'Bout damn time I figured it all out! :-)
Now that I'm reaching toward 40, I know that I do not need those defense mechanisms in place. I'm not as sheltered now as I was back in my late 20's (and believe me when I say that I was extremely sheltered). [Flashback] I think that was part of my problem back then, too. I had no experience with guys that didn't go to my church or guys that I didn't grow up with. Of course, new people I met outside of that sheltered environment were going to treat me differently than those that were from the same environment, but I wasn't prepared for that and wasn't expecting a difference. I realize that now and that's why I can say the majority of those guys were actually giving me compliments and I just didn't know how to take them. That's one thing about my sheltered life that I wish I could change. I really had no tools to deal with anyone outside of a "Christian" environment (hell, I was there from birth to the age of 27). I didn't know how to interact with others or know how to "read" others at all (I still have a hard time trying to figure out someone's agenda - probably my problem with SUB). So I was completely lost and scared when all this crap went down in the warehouse when I was 28 and 29. I had no experience to draw from in order to help me sort it and figure it all out. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to play with kids that didn't go to my church or church schools because my parents didn't want me exposed to "the ways of the world." What a diservice that was to me! I could have used some of that "worldly wisdom" to draw from in my life to help me cope with the situations I faced outside that sheltered space. It really bothers me now to see parents that shelter their kids as much as my parents sheltered me and my brother. They are NOT helping those kids in the long run. Those kids have to live in the world at some point and will not have mom, dad, church, or pastor around them all the time to keep unwanted elements or experiences away from them. Sadly, G and M are rearing W, A, and B the exact same way we were and sheltering them from everything. I feel sorry for those kids and hope and pray that they have a much better experience with life than I did.
Anyway...back to reality. Now that I've had 10 years to absorb the unsheltered world around me, I know that I do not need to hide myself from the world in order to be safe. I do know that there are creeps and dirty old men out there (I learned that at a young age) but I have now realized that there are more nice guys out there than there are creeps and perverts. That doesn't mean that I will let my guard down around people I barely know. That just means that I will no longer jump to conclusions about someone without knowing them. I will no longer expect every man I see to hurt me. I will always pay attention to my surroundings and if I feel unsafe, I will take the necessary precautions (always); but I no longer have to feel scared and threatened every time I meet someone either.
I want to be healthy at 40. The majority of my life, I was slim and healthy. It's only been the last 10 years that I haven't been. I am really looking forward to 40 and finding the happy, healthy person I used to be. I've got the happy part down (much thanks to H for his love and support through all of this - we met right before the warehouse incident and he has been a huge help to me along this process) and I am now working on the healthy part. :-)
Have a great week. Until later...
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Growing up, I would complain that time crawled and would want time to speed up. My mom used to tell me to enjoy it while it lasted because the older I got, the faster time would fly. Of course, I didn't believe her. I hate when my mom is right.
I also can't believe that NaBloPoMo is over. I'm pretty proud of myself. I had almost 40 posts in the month of November. That is such a record for me. haha
If you get a chance, check out this post by Radioactive Jam. It's about yours truly and a scavenger hunt he had going for NaBloPoMo. I found his blog during NaBloPoMo last year and I have really enjoyed his posts ever since. His creativity and humor amaze me. I'm sure he'll do the same for you.
Friday, November 30, 2007
During lunch today, we went to BB's house and spent about 2 hours with her and the triplets. They are so cute. They are now 6 weeks old (two weeks from their full-term date). We had a great time. She looks really well. she doesn't even look like she's had one baby let alone three. She also said that once the babies and placentas were out, she automatically lost 20 pounds. Bitch! She lost in 10 minutes what it's taken me almost 3 months to lose. Haha. I'm joking. I do not begrudge her the loss at all. I'm actually enjoying the journey. I'm learning a lot about myself and why I gained the weight in the first place. I am also learning how to eat properly again (it has been 8 years after all) and getting back into good eating habits. It's great to have fruit and vegetables back in my diet. I still can't believe I had taken them completely out of my diet when I love them so much.
I hope you all have a great weekend. I'll be off to work first thing in the morning just as I am Monday through Friday. Same bat time...same bat channel.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
We ahve been so slow that I'm lucky if the phone rings 5 times in an entire day. Seriously. In most jobs, when it gets slow like this, I get bored and ready to move on. I haven't had any inclination to move on to something else which shows me that I am exactly where I need to be. I am content here and, for me, that's a GREAT thing.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
|What Your Latte Says About You|
You don't treat yourself very often. You find that indulging doesn't jibe with your very disciplined life.
You are a very serious person. You don't have time for silly antics.
You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast.
You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it.
You are a child at heart, and you don't ever miss the opportunity to do something playful.
You are sophisticated and daring, but you are never snobby.
This is actually pretty damn accurate.
Miranda, thanks so much for your comment regarding purchasing a charm bracelet to celebrate reaching my 10% weight loss goal. I talked with my mom on the way home and she surprisingly suggested the same thing. :-) I told her that I wanted to find a way to celebrate without resorting to food (which is how my family has always celebrated EVERY thing). She suggested that for every occasion I would normally celebrate using food, I should get a new charm. I love that idea.
I just ordered THIS charm bracelet from Overstock.com. I am thinking about having the circle charm engraved with "10%" as a constant reminder and as a start to my charm bracelet.
On with the list of things I’m thankful for this week:
1. My job (I really do love what I do)
2. All the wonderful people I’ve met in the blogosphere.
3. My niece and nephew that live close by
4. My last living set of grandparents (maternal)
5. My in-laws
6. My dog
7. My crazy ass family – all of them (I swear, just some days more than others)
8. The majority of the people I work with (sometimes SUB, too – depending on the day)
9. The home H and I co-own with the bank
10. Our big back yard (never had one growing up)
11. The love of a VERY good man who accepts me no matter what (I’m talking abut H here in case you’re wondering)
12. I have REACHED my 10% weight loss goal. That’s right! Over the Thanksgiving holiday. WooHoo! I lost 2.6 pounds since our last meeting bringing my total weight loss to 19.6 pounds. My 10% goal was 19 pounds, so I’ve actually surpassed my first goal. Yeah for me!
Y’all, I made my 10% goal. You have no idea how huge that is for me. 19 pounds seemed like an insurmountable goal to me 12 weeks ago. Today it is a reality. I can’t explain the enormity of this for me and my life.
Let me tell you the background behind this accomplishment. Growing up, I was always thin. I had no problem with weight. I watched my mom constantly struggle with her weight, seeing her on one crash diet after another, and seeing the emotional toll the whole process had on her and her self-esteem. I saw her weight go up and then down with each diet. I also saw that once she was off the diet, she gained back more weight than she had when she started said diet (whichever one it happened to be that time).
I also heard growing up that I cannot always continue to eat the way I was and expect to stay thin. I’d hear this from my mom and paternal grandmother all the time. You see, I was eating candy bars almost every day for lunch (mostly Snickers, Mars bars, and Whatchamacallits – I’d have 2-3 a day for lunch plus 1 as a snack later in the day). Mom kept saying when I hit 30, it would all catch up to me.
As most of you have read, I was in an emotionally damaging relationship for 5 ½ years. Since I had no one to turn to or talk to about the situation, I turned to food. I gained about 15 pounds during that time, but before the relationship ended, I had lost it all (plus a little more) and had gotten back down to a size 8 (about where I was when I graduated high school). After meeting H, I transferred into another department at work (a warehouse environment) where I was sexually harassed and received a lot of unwanted and unfamiliar comments from the men I worked with. This really messed with my self-confidence because I became afraid and old fears came clawing back to the surface (from childhood trauma when I was 4 – paternal grandfather). Because I was afraid, I tried to hide myself from everyone’s view and ate my way into oblivion (no one really sees you or notices you when you’re fat – if you don’t believe me, gain weight and see how many people pay attention to you or even try to make eye contact with you. Sadly, eye contact is pretty much non-existent at that point).
Three years after getting out of that environment, I decided to lose the weight I gained. That was all well and good. The problem was that I really had no reference when it came to losing weight. Yes, I did it once, but it wasn't that much and I really don’t remember how I did it. It just kind of happened. I started feeling better about me and figuring out what I really wanted out of life (which...HELLO...was NOT that relationship). Since I didn’t grow up having a weight problem, I had no real personal experience with losing weight (especially a lot of weight). In the past, I might gain a pound here, two pounds there, but if I skipped a meal the next day, I was always right back where I should be.
I tried losing the weight on my own and it didn’t work. I even tried Weight Watchers, but I got discouraged and quit. I never even hit my 10% goal at that point and it was smaller than the 10% goal I just reached. I joined Curves for a while, but my class schedule and home life made it difficult to attend regularly so I quit that, too.
A few months ago, I stepped on the scale and realized that I was at the weight I considered my “point of no return” and it scared me to death. Seeing my parents battle weight issues my entire life and seeing the toll that weight was now having on their lives, I was afraid if I were to hit “x amount” of pounds that I would not be able to get back down and my weight would then spiral out of control like my parent's weight. I did not want that to happen to me. I didn’t want K or K2 to be embarrassed to be seen in public with me as I have been on occasion with my own parents. I want to be able to keep up with them, play with them, and be there for them whenever they need me (for their entire lives).
Since stepping on that scale and realizing I was at my "point of no return" weight, I have been committed to losing this extra weight. It has been so easy for me to stick to this. It’s actually a little scary how easy this process has been for me. I'm not even craving my favorite fast foods anymore. Last week, I wanted a McRib (they've always had a special place in my heart). I got a McRib, and it was so disappointing. I haven't even been tempted by Taco Bell and I could eat there EVERY day. There were times I got discouraged because the scale didn’t reflect what I thought it should. I won’t lie about that. I have found that Weight Watcher’s Core Plan is the perfect plan for me. I think what scared me the most over Thanksgiving was that I didn’t feel like I was on a diet. With Core, I knew if I ate lean meat and veggies, I was fine and didn’t have to count points. Core has made me change my eating habits and adopt healthier eating habits which is what I wanted when I started Weight Watchers in the first place. My problem is that the Flex Plan didn’t make me change the types of foods I ate; it only made me change the amount of food I ate because I could eat anything as long as I counted the points. I can still eat anything I want as long as I count the points when I choose items that are not Core foods (up to 35 a week). With the Core plan, I am much more aware of the choices I am making and I’m realizing that Core is much easier to stick with because it is a healthier way to eat. I never feel deprived and half the time I don’t even feel like I’m on a diet. I’m just eating healthier and making better choices. The last 3 weeks I did the Flex plan, I lost about 2 pounds. The last 3 weeks I’ve been on the Core plan, I’ve lost 7 pounds. I am definitely going to stick with Core.
I really want something to mark my 10% accomplishment. Something I can look back on or look at and say, this is what I got for reaching my 10% goal. I want something special, tangible, and lasting (like the key ring I received last night at meeting – which I cried when I received and have teared up every time I’ve touched it). Any ideas?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Wednesday, I had off work. I drove H to work (okay, in reality, he drove, but I was in the car). After H got out of the car and I got in the driver's seat, I took the dog to H's family and played a bit with K2 (I've already written about that). After dropping Dickens off, I went to my allergist and got my allergy shots. There are LOTS of trees on my parent's property and it kills me every time we're there, this was definitely a preemptive strike. From there, I took my car to get the oil changed. I was about 100 miles past 30K and I was waiting until this day to get it done but didn't realize waiting a few more days would put me past my mileage. Oh well, 100 miles is not that bad. It took them FOREVER to change my oil. It was terrible. It has never taken that long to get my oil changed and I always go to the same place. From there, I went home, put dishes in the dishwasher, ran it, and packed for my folks. H got off work at 2, so I was pushing it by that time since it takes about 30 minutes to get to his work. I hadn't even had lunch by the time I had to leave to pick him up. I stopped at Dairy Queen and got an iron grilled turkey sandwich with no mayo and no bacon. The only thing I had to count points for was the sourdough bread (4 points - no big deal). We got to my folks around 6. The rest of the night was spent talking and catching up since we haven't seen each other since Mom's birthday in August.
Thursday was Thanksgiving (duh). Grandpa came over. Grandma was already there. These are my maternal grandparents. They are married (yes, to each other). They just can't live together. I find this hilarious, but it works for them. Kind of. They do get extremely frustrated and impatient with each other - probably the reason for them living in separate places. At one point, my aunt bought a one-bedroom home for my grandma. Grandpa lived in a trailer.....in Grandma's back yard. I kid you not! Thanksgiving was great and emotionally uneventful (which is perfect!). Grandma wanted to go to Wal-Mart and thought it would be open, so I drove her there to find that it was closed. Everything in their small town was closed. It was kind of creepy. Every part of the Thanksgiving meal was CORE, Baby! It was fantastic. I had no worries about what I ate. I could eat it all until I was satisfied. I had 2 pieces of crustless pumpkin pie...ALL CORE! WooHoo! I did have a bite of the pumpkin pie my grandma made and it didn't live up to the hype. Actually, for the last few years, she has been forgetting how she makes things so she's been messing them up for a long time. The two pies she has NEVER messed up are her Banana Cream and Coconut Cream pies (both with meringue - NEVER whipped cream). The woman is 82 so she's still doing really well. If she can't remember how something's supposed to be made, well, we can live with that. Even she didn't like the pie, so it wasn't just me.
Friday, we all piled in the car, went to Evansville, and saw the movie Fred Clause. If you see only 1 Christmas movie this year, you have to see this one. It was funny, interesting, has a really good story line, and it wasn't a "stupid" funny movie. I will see it over and over. After the movie, we went to The Texas Roadhouse for dinner. MMMM, steak (filet mignon, to be exact). From there, we went to Wal-Mart (it was open this time). When we got up Thursday morning, I realized that I made a huge mistake when packing. My mistake was that I didn't try on the clothes I brought to wear. I brought shirts that I haven't worn in years. I should have tried them on. They were WAY too big on me so at Wal-Mart, I was going to buy 3 shirts. After doing my other shopping, I went to the clothes section and picked out a few tops to try on. I found one that fit and looked good. H was rushing me through at that point, so I just picked out two shirts (same style, same size, different colors) and, without trying them on, I bought them.
Saturday, I tried on the two tops I didn't try on at Wal-Mart and found that they were too big. WooHoo! I had to take them back. What a sad, sad thing to have to do. NOT!!! Sadly, I couldn't find any shirts that I really liked or looked good on me besides the one I bought and tried on the night before. So...I bought two more in diferent colors. :-) I'm easy. Since H and I were leaving on Sunday, we decided to give Dad his birthday presents Saturday night. We also sat in the living room and watched a few movies (Zathura, Ratatouille, and Meet the Robinsons). After watching the movies, Dad wanted to play pinnocle. Mom didn't really want to play, but Dad played one of Mom's cards on her. She is BIG in regards to doing and getting what she wants during her "birthday weekend." Dad said that it's his birthday weekend and he wanted to play pinnocle. Mom started to say no, but Dad said...if it were your birthday weekend, you'd be upset if we didn't do what you want. WooHoo! Bout damn time!
I forgot to tell you something. The entire weekend, whenever Mom had a chance or an opening, she tried to guilt me about spending Christmas with H's family. EVERY SINGLE CHANCE. I heard something about it at least once a day. Saturday was her biggest effort. She said that Christmas is no longer her favorite time of year and she even started crying. I hate when my mom cries, but I wasn't going to let that sway my decision to be with K, K2, and H's family for Christmas. My reaction to all of that? I told her, "Since you get me for Thanksgiving every year, you and dad should fly out to California to see G for Christmas and watch your grandkids open their gifts." One day I mentioned that K and K2 are the closest H and I will come to having kids of our own and we want to be there with them on Christmas morning. Sadly, none of this ever makes a difference with mom. It's her way all the way. Period.
On our drive home on Sunday, H complained that I was reading instead of talking non-stop like I normally do on our trip home from my parent's house. I was stunned. Not only did he want me to talk NON-STOP, but I realized that I really had nothing to complain, bitch, moan, or groan about. For the first time in FOREVER I was actually not phased by anything that happened with my folks this trip. Yes, I was disappointed that Mom tried to guilt me into coming up for Christmas, but in all honesty I expected that from her so I wasn't hurt by any of it. I had a pretty good visit. I got bored a lot at their house. All they do is sit in front of the TV and talk only during commercials. This is how I grew up. By the way, Mom thinks family is the most important thing to her. She doesn't realize that doing nothing but sit in front of the TV and not talking until commercials is NOT putting your family first. I can't tell you how many times I have seen H's family stop whatever they were doing or watching on TV because someone wanted to talk or needed a little attention. Such an amazing difference.
All is good. I'm feeling GREAT! By the way, H and I are fan-fucking-tastic. No worries. We really did just need to find a different way to communicate (how amazing is that?!). Life is GREAT!
Monday, November 26, 2007
|What Your Handwriting Says About You|
You are a laid back person with rather low energy. You aren't lazy... you *are* sensitive and empathetic.
You are somewhat outgoing, but you're not a natural extrovert. You think first before you act. You tend to be independent, rational, and logical.
You are extravagant, over the top, and indulgent. You set trends and influence people.
You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well.
You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart.
You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.
While shopping, I bought my grandfather some DVD's of old westerns. He is going to love them! Three of Clint Eastwood's, the original Magnificent Seven, and the original Return of the Magnificent Seven with Yul Brenner. Jackpot!
I bought my grandmother a DVD about Dale Earnhardt (her all time favorite driver). H and I have also decided that we are still going to get her the "soft centers" by See's Candies.
Since it is rare that men get candy, we have decided to buy my dad "dark chocolates" by See's Candies. He loves dark chocolate and it will be perfect.
Mom is still a bit tougher. I did find a couple of gift boxes of flavored tea. She loves teas of all kinds, so that will be a big hit. She also collects nut crackers and I found a really cute one that looks like a Gingerbread man. She'll love it!
H and I will be going to the Transiberian Orchestra on December 30, so we have decided to make that our Christmas gift to each other this year.
While at mom and dad's this past week, I saw a cute little pink and lavendar bunny that I picked up for K2. She will love it! When you pull the handle at the bottom, it plays Brahm's Lullaby which is the song she loves to sing back to me. Perfect gift.
That's all we've determined so far. Until later...
The bad news is an either/or kind of deal. Either way, I have to get a biopsy of my uterus in January. I asked if it was important enough for me to come back sooner than that and they assured me it wasn't. That tells me it is probably NOT uteran cancer which is one thing the biopsy will determine. They did a pelvic exam this morning and everything felt good, looked fine, and seemed regular so that tells me (and them) it is probably the second option. The second option is that I am starting the change to menopause. WooHoo! (that's sarcasm by the way - at least partially) I haven't even hit 39 yet (happens in about 3 weeks, but that's beside the point).
I know you all really didn't want to hear all of this (too much information and all). I knew starting to go through the change in my late 30's was a possibility a few years ago because both my mom and grandma started going through all of this in their late 30's. I can live with going through this change as long as my hormones stay in whack as much as possible. I've got enough problems with the chemical imbalance. I can't imagine life with overworked hormones as well. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm not even worried about it.
So, January 21 is the big day for the biopsy (a holiday at work so at least I don't have to use any of my time to do this - that's a plus). They are telling me this is going to be extremely painful. She said it is worse than the worst cramps I've ever experienced. Just great! Lately, when I have cramps, I can't get rid of them, I can't function, and they kill me All.Day.Long.Without.Relief. I am really looking forward to that (again...sarcasm). I have asked H to come with me. If iti is as bad as they say, I may not be able to drive home. After writing this post, I may ask for the 22nd off from work as a sick day in case I have a really bad day on the 21st. That may be the smartest move I can make.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I know that I mentioned in an earlier post that Christmas is no longer my favorite holiday. After stating that, I actually did a little Christmas shopping and for once in a LONG time, I actually found myself looking forward to Christmas again. Since being out of the Christmas spirit for many years, I never really had a favorite holiday. I really looked forward to Valentine's Day each year, but ended up being disappointed year after year, so I no longer had a "favorite" holiday. I think Christmas is wiggling it's way back into my heart and becoming my favorite again. I'm actually contemplating decorating the house and putting up a tree this year. Hell may freeze over yet. :-)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
After posting about what I would get family members for Christmas, I actually went to Wally World during my lunch break. I was surprised at how quickly the holiday spirit returns when you've unexpectedly found THE PERFECT gift for someone.
I said earlier that Grandpa is the hardest person to shop for. It's terrible, but I really don't know what he enjoys. While walking in Wal-mart, I see the movie "The Magnificent Seven" (the original of course). Right next to it, I see "The Return of the Magnificent Seven" with Yul Brenner. Grandpa LOVES westerns. I know this without a doubt. I also saw a three pack of Clint Eastwood movies. Grandpa will be opening all three of them at Christmas this year.
While still at Wally World, I found an ESPN special on Dale Earnhardt as "The Greatest Athlete." He was my Grandma's favorite driver. She will be opening that up for Christmas with a box of See's "Soft Centers."
While typing this out, I realized the perfect gift for my dad - See's "Dark Chocolates." How many times do we send candy to the women in our lives? I think the men in our lives would appreciate it as well. Dad loves dark chocolate; mom hates it. Dad can enjoy his dark chocolate without mom being tempted to eat any and dad will know that I thought specifically of him. It's a win, win situation for me. WooHoo!
For some reason, I am unable to log into my Blogger Account. GRRRR! It tells me that my email doesn’t exist. Strange…seeing as how I’m able to get into my email account using the EXACT SAME email address I’m using on the blogger page. It worked yesterday and EVERY other day, so why not today? Will I forever have to email my posts? That would SUCK! I can’t use my labels if I email them in. I count on the fact that I can edit my emailed posts to add my labels, but I can’t do that right now either.
So, I figured it out...Blogger gave me the WRONG error message. I forgot that when I logged into Ventrilo for World of Warcraft I had no clue that whatever password I used for that would then be used for my Blogger/Google accounts. That still SUCKS! I liked using the different password just for my Blogger and now it's one I use for other things as well. DANG IT!
It may be Tuesday on the calendar, but to me, it’s Friday. WooHoo! Today is my last day of work until NEXT Tuesday. I’m so excited.
I haven’t seen my parents since Mom’s birthday in August. This will also be the first time we have seen them since Mom and I started Weight Watchers. I’m hoping they see a difference in me and I really hope I see one in Mom. She is afraid there hasn’t been much of a change, so she isn’t even trying on her smaller size clothes. I don’t want her to get discouraged, so I REALLY hope I see a difference.
I have no idea what to give for Christmas gifts this year. We usually do Christmas with my parents the Saturday after Thanksgiving since that will be the last time we see them this year, but Mom doesn’t want to do that this year. I think she’s hoping that we will come up there for Christmas if we don’t have it together around Thanksgiving. I have told her numerous times that we spend Thanksgiving with her and Dad (partly because it’s also my dad’s birthday and it isn’t fair to be there around hers without being there around his) and that we spend Christmas with K and H’s family. K and K2 are the closest we will probably ever come to children of our own. Hello! Why wouldn’t we want to be there for them instead of taking the chance of extremely bad weather for traveling that we don’t enjoy driving in?
These are my thoughts for Christmas gifts (so far). Keep in mind that ALL my relatives live OUT.OF.STATE.
G and M – Tub of Popcorn
Grandpa – cash (he is the HARDEST person to shop for and if he gets a gift card, he gets confused and thinks the store is cheating him. Seriously).
W, A, and B – gift cards to Toys ‘R’ Us (these will be sent to G and M who will pick gifts out for the kids and have them wrapped and under the tree from H and me).
Hubby – I found two great things for him from Target. I know that he doesn’t want us to spend a lot of money this year since we are trying to pay off debt, so I will probably but them both now but only give him one for Christmas and the other for our anniversary (in March).
Friends – Tub of Popcorn for the family to enjoy
Dad – Something to do with fishing (that’s his hobby and what he enjoys doing ALL.THE.TIME – the man has his own pond in his backyard that he fishes almost every day). I’m going during lunch today to pick up a birthday present for him. Wish me luck.
K – no clue (this kid has everything he could possibly want plus that much more). I’m sure we’ll find something. He’s really into Transformers, Power Rangers, Thomas the Train, and Scooby Doo right now.
K2 – Probably some really cute clothes (she’s not even 1 so, she won’t know the difference) and a rattle or teether of some sort (she’ll be needing that soon).
H’s family – they rank right up there with my Grandfather for the HARDEST people to shop for. I think part of that is because they really don’t want anything. They are the most content people I have EVER met. I would love to do something special for them. They have done so much for me. H and I never know what to get them or what to do for them.
Mom – I have no clue. This woman has more hobbies than you can throw a stick at, but she’s NEVER satisfied with anything. She buys everything she could possibly want, so I’m usually at a loss for her as well. Normally, you can’t go wrong buying her See’s candy, but now that she’s on Weight Watchers, candy is OUT!!!
Grandma – This woman loves making quilts, but she has just about EVERY book out there on quilts and I have no clue which one she doesn’t have or if there even is one she doesn’t have. I could buy her a bunch of material for her “next” quilt (there is ALWAYS a next quilt by the way). Grandma does love her sweets, though. I could NEVER go wrong buying her See’s “Soft Centers”. That might be what she gets this year. She means so much to me, that sometimes a box of candy just doesn’t say enough. She has been my rock my entire life. She is the one person (before meeting H) that I could count on and completely trust in her love. When she passes away, I will be at a loss and completely shattered and heart broken.
Monday, November 19, 2007
WooHoo! So, tomorrow, I'm going to gas up the car for our trip to my parents.
Wednesday, I have off work. I will be taking H to work (okay, in all reality, he will be driving to work while I try to wake up in the passenger seat for the drive home). :-) Hey, at least I'm honest. After he gets out of the car, I will take Dickens to the in-laws. He will have 4 days to play with K who will chase him around the house all weekend.
After dropping off the dog, I will be getting my allergy shots then getting the oil changed in my car. From there, I will come home, pack, then pick H up at work at 2 to hit the road.
By the way, I don't go back to work until NEXT Tuesday. Sucky part, I have my feminine exam on Monday due to some problems I've been having. At least I can be thankful on Thanksgiving that I can put it off for a few more days.
**I realize that I haven't explained WHY I have my "cast of characters" on the right sidebar. I was thinking of my family and their privacy. I went to a blog about a year ago and the author decided when her daughter turned 2 to stop blogging on that site in order to keep her daughter and her identity safe from web predators. That really hit a chord with me since I was blogging a lot about K on a pretty frequent basis. From that time on, I went back to ALL my posts and changed names to the list of characters you see now. I'm sorry if this has added confusion to the posts you read. I'm just thinking of my family (after all, they haven't asked to be put on here and have NO idea that I'm even posting about them), and to me this is important.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
K2 was a sweetie. She smiled at us quite a bit today. She even started talking with us (sure, it might just be noise to you, but we know she was talking directly to us). We saw her roll over for the first time today. We were so excited....until my mother-in-law told us she's been doing this for a couple of weeks now. How come she never did it while we were around before? Little show off. That's okay. She almost turned onto her back today, but she hasn't quite figured that out yet.
We will be going to my parent's for Thanksgiving, leaving on Wednesday. My mom would love for us to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas at their house, but we don't think it's fair to H's family to not spend one of those with them. We choose to spend Thanksgiving with my folks because it is always near my dad's birthday (sometimes Thanksgiving itself; this year it's next Sunday) and we really want to be with K (and now K2) during Christmas to watch them open their gifts.
We will also no longer be spending the July 4th holiday with my parents. The third is H's birthday, and it really isn't fair to ask him to spend his birthday with my parents instead of his own. Last year was the first year in a while that we actually spent his birthday with his family and we will continue that into the future.
Deion Branch is back in the game. WooHoo! He will be a BIG help to my fantasy team. It actually started out as H's fantasy team, but he never pays it any attention, so I have taken it over. :-) We're not doing too bad seeing as how he started me off with some pretty crappy players. There were a few good ones, too. I have Peyton Manning, The Cowboy's defense, and Deion Branch. Sadly, Deion was hurt in one of the very first games of the season and today is his first game back.
Today is the last NASCAR Cup Series race. Unless things go very wrong, this year's champion will either be Jimmie Johnson or Jeff Gordon. Hopefully, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will have a good race today and will finish the race. He has had some rotten luck the end of this season. DEI has stated that they are using Dale's car in order to figure out what will work for Truex next year. I think they have really hindered Dale in his possibility of a win at the end of the season. It's sad. I wish him the best next year with Hendrick. I know he would probably rather stay with his father's company, but in all reality, if he wants a championship, his best chance would be with Hendrick.
Those are my scattered thoughts at the moment. Until later...
Saturday, November 17, 2007
In regards to NaBloPoMo, I am averaging about 2 posts a day, so I am pretty excited about that. I'm blogging much more frequently which is what I was hoping NaBloPoMo would do for me.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, love, concern, comments, and advice. We have come through this with flying colors. It was just a change for us and we ahve figured it out. Thankfully, it doesn't take us long to get things fixed. We really do have a GREAT relationship and communicate well (for the most part). :-)
I hope you all have a great weekend. Until later...
Friday, November 16, 2007
In my “Happy Hump Day” post, I forgot to mention the best thing that happened last week…
I was holding K2 trying to get her to go to sleep because she was tired. I walked in the other room with her, patted her butt, rocked her in my arms, and started humming Brahms’ Lullaby. She did the absolute cutest thing. Keep in mind that I have been humming this song to her since her birthday this past July. I also hummed this to K when he was little.
She looked up at me with wide eyes and was trying to sing it back to me. It was soooo cute and soooo sweet. H heard her from the other room and knew that I was humming to her. When he came in to look at us, H had tears in his eyes. When I was thinking about this later that night and the next day, I started tearing up as well.
K never did that. When K got a little older, he didn’t want to come to me because he knew I’d hum to him and he’d fall asleep. That was also cute and funny, but K2 apparently loves music and loves to be talked to. Even when you simply talk to her, she will look up at you, smile, and try to talk back to you. Such a sweetie. I can’t wait to see how her personality develops and find out what types of things she enjoys and likes.
My drink: Iced Venti Sugar-Free Non-Fat Latte (this is a Core drink and gives me 2 servings of milk)
What is says about me: Take a look…
Personality type: High Maintenance
You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.
Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.
Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars
First of all, I am NOT assertive or direct.
Secondly, people do not think I’m arrogant. Bossy? Maybe to a small degree.
Thirdly, If I don’t know you or feel comfortable around you, I don’t run my mouth at all. As a matter of fact, you probably couldn’t get much more than a peep out of me. I definitely do NOT talk about topics I don’t know about. I’ll ask your opinion instead so that I have some clue about it.
Fourthly, I do not waste people’s time. They waste mine. I am not the one in the office talking about every subject under the stars. Hell! Half the time, I am not even in the same room in which these conversations are taking place.
Lastly, my friends love me and don’t plot to kill me. They’ve told me so. haha
Obviously, my drink is totally wrong for me, but it’s what I drink nonetheless.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thanks so much for your emails, kind words, and encouragement. After posting yesterday and talking with H more, I felt MUCH better about everything. We both did.
We have realized that our problem isn't a lack of love or trust, it's a matter of not understanding or knowing what the other person needs or what the other person is saying (or trying to say in some cases). The weight was lifted from my shoulders after reading this article from Men's Magazine. It really helped me and H both understand what it is that we're going through by talking without really getting the meaning across. This made us realize that we are both trying to understand, we just need to be a little more patient with each other as we’re figuring out this stage in our lives/relationship. I linked the article because, well, my blog is all about helping others who might be going through the same issues or circumstances that I’m going through – trying to show that no one is alone when going through problems or bad situations.
H and I know that we are both going to change and continue to change throughout the years. We've been together for 12 years (married for almost 11 now). We just have to figure out each other during those times of change. Right now, we just happen to be going through one of those changes and trying to figure each other out again along with what the other person happens to need at this time in our relationship.
Thanks again for your support and advice. I really do appreciate it and you.
I’ve heard stories recently from people I know that they’ve have been verbally abused, felt unloved, etc. in the course of their lives. It saddens me to find out someone else has gone through situations that are similar to mine because I know what I have gone through emotionally because of those situations. It also helps me to realize that I am not alone, not the only one, and that just because these things happened to me doesn't mean that I am a terrible person or that I deserved those situations. It's so easy sometimes to feel like a victim with everything we go through in the course of a lifetime. For me, knowing that these things happen to other people as well makes me realize that these things are not MY problem but the problem of the person perpetuating the situation. If it were just my problem, these things wouldn't happen to other people, too.
If you happen to be going through a tough time right now, hang in there. You are NOT alone.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
1. Am I broken?
2. Do I really trust ANYONE to love me without hurting me?
3. Do I always expect the people I love to hurt/disappoint me?
4. Do I put walls up without realizing it in order to keep my heart intact?
5. Is that why when people first meet me, they think I’m stuck up until they know me a little better?
6. Is it a defense mechanism I use to get through life?
7. Is it okay to let those walls and defenses go?
8. Am I asking too much of those that I love (H in particular)?
9. Do I really deserve to be loved in such a way that I feel special and the most important person in the world to H and by H?
10. Is it realistic to think that I should feel special and the most important person in the world to ANY one?
11. Why haven’t I gotten over/through all this yet?
12. Why do these things still plague me?
13. Why do I feel as though I have a HUGE burden on my shoulder 24/7 right now?
Upon reflection, I do realize the answers to some of these questions:
Question #1 – Am I broken? I’ll answer this after I’ve answered all the others. It seems only fair to review all the information before passing judgment (even on myself).
Question #2 – Do I really trust anyone to love me without hurting me? Not really. I think deep down, I always expect that I am going to get hurt. My past has shown me that I can’t trust those I love or those that love me to protect me (including my heart).
Question #3 – Do I always expect the people I love to hurt/disappoint me? I think I must, but I don't mean to. The only person in my life that I have loved that hasn’t disappointed me is my maternal grandmother.
Question #4 – Do I put walls up without realizing it in order to keep my heart intact? I think this is highly probable after talking with H the past few days.
Question #5 – Is that why when people first meet me, they think I’m stuck up until they know me a little better? It must be that they see this wall or something about me that tells them that I don’t trust them.
Question #6 – Is it a defense mechanism I use to get through life? I think this is highly likely as well. If you’ve read my blog for ANY length of time or gone through the archives, you’ll notice that I have been through a LOT (molested by my grandfather, felt unloved by my family, not understood by my family, feeling like the black sheep of my family, battling depression, contemplated suicide on a number of occasions, sexually harassed at work, etc.). I’ve made it through all of it. I guess I can’t expect that I would come out of everything without some way to cope with these or similar situations. I know that my weight issue is a defense mechanism. I didn’t gain weight until I was sexually harassed at work and we all know that people really don’t look at fat people. They look right past them as though they don’t exist.
Question #7 – Is it okay to let go of these walls and defenses? Most definitely! My problem now is that I’ve had them for so long that I don’t know how to let go. Hell! I didn’t even realize I had them.
Question #8 – Am I asking too much of the people that I love (H in particular)? I don’t think I can honestly answer this question without first answering #9 – Do I really deserve to be loved in such a way that I feel special and the most important person in the world to H and by H? I really think I do deserve this. Doesn’t everyone? So, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I ask 1) to be heard or 2) shown some affection without it having to lead to sex ALL the time. Maybe this is just one of the major differences between men and women. Men have sex to feel close to a woman (or to satisfy a basic animal urge/instinct as H put it) where a woman (not the promiscuous ones anyway) need to feel close before having sex. We REALLY need to figure this out.
Question #10 was answered with #9. I think those two go hand in hand.
Question #11 – Why haven’t I gotten over/through all of this yet? I think it’s because I learned in my formative years that I can’t trust those that love me/I love to actually love me without hurting me in some way. Since I did learn this in my formative years, does this mean that this is now part of who I am and it’s something that I’m/we’re just going to have to deal with in order to go on? Yes, another question, but I don’t have the answer to this one. What do you think?
Question #12 – Why do these things still plague me? Answered in #11. I think these go hand in hand as well.
Question #13 – Why do I feel as though I have a HUGE burden on my shoulder 24/7 right now? I don’t know. I think partly because I feel that I am stressing H beyond his breaking point, but I don’t know how to change that. I don’t realize that I’m putting up barriers. So how can I tear them down? I didn’t realize that I expect everyone to hurt me in some way at some time. How do I change that? It’s so ingrained in who I am. Can a person change something that has been ingrained since early childhood? I’ve got nothing but more questions and I’ve GOT to figure this out.
I was told by my dad years ago, “Don’t marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can’t live without.” That’s how I feel about H. I really don’t think I could live without him. I think I would fall apart if he weren’t in my life. I know that H is the best thing in my life. I know that he loves me even if I don’t always feel it or feel special to him. How can I make that be enough for me? How do I become content without something that I have craved my entire life? Do I have what I’ve always wanted and just not realize it? How can I make myself realize something that I can’t see/feel?
So, this is what has been plaguing me for the past two days. What’s really bad is the fact that I’ve kind of given up on the idea that I will ever be truly special to anyone. Of course, that’s no way to live and is very discouraging/disheartening. H feels it, too. He’s just realized what it is even though I’ve tried to tell him on many different occasions that he’s not hearing me (I will say something to him, he’ll ask me to repeat it; then he’ll ask me to repeat it again because he wasn’t listening – I’m not imagining this or reading more into it) and that I need some affection from him (even just a hug and kiss when he comes home from work EVERY night – this is not the norm for us, but it would help me in SO many ways to feel loved and special so I can give him what he needs from me). I’m not holding sex back from him; it just isn’t really enjoyable for either of us at the moment (after a long emotional talk on Monday it felt as though we were back to the way it once was which is what we’re trying to get back to; unfortunately, last night was back to having problems). I guess we just need time to figure all of this out before we can put things back to the way they were. We also know that we’ve both changed in the last 10 years, so we aren’t expecting things to be EXACTLY like they were when we first met. We just want the closeness back.
After all of this, I think the answer to #1 is that I must be broken at least to some degree.
Any thoughts you can supply on these questions would be greatly appreciated.
WWAWP update: I have been doing extremely well. Last weekend, I treated myself to half a Cowboy Burger at Applebee’s and some sushi (fully cooked, nothing raw) at my in-law’s restaurant. I made better choices without really thinking about point values or whether the food was on the Core Plan. I lost 1.8 pounds this week. This brings my total weight loss to 17.2 pounds. WooHoo! Another 1.8 pound loss and I’ve hit my first goal (10%).
Sunday, November 11, 2007
I love this day. It is actually one of my favorite of the year. I know that veterans are the reason we have all the rights and freedoms that we take for granted on a daily basis. We have the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (whatever that happiness may entail) because of our veterans.
The only thing I dislike about this day is the fact that this honorable day is NOT.A.NATIONAL.HOLIDAY. It is only a Federal holiday. This means that if Veteran's Day falls on a week day, the very Veterans that we are honoring have to go to work unless they have a government job or are retired. There are so many veterans that are of working age, especially now that we are in a time of war. These men and women deserve our gratitude. They deserve to be honored. They deserve to be able to participate in the festivities that are being held in their honor. After all, this day is set aside to honor them. Shouldn't we give them the day off work?
Every year around this time, I write a letter to the President of the United States asking that this day be changed to a national holiday instead of just a federal one. I would love to see this day changed so that those we are honoring can ACTUALLY BE HONORED.
Feel free to join me in this.
Please thank a veteran today. The veterans in my family are my dad, both my grandfathers, my husband, and my brother-in-law. Who are the veterans in your family? Have you thanked them today?
I was tagged by Contemplator at Dante's Virgil to make a list of classes I would like to take to fix my life. The rules are simple: "Devise a list of 5-10 courses you would take to fix your life. It's more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you'd also like to take. Tag five."
So, here's my list:
- Ancient Religions 101 – this is the class of Contemplator's that I would like to sit in on partly because I have already taken the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and to be honest, I didn't get a whole lot out of it either. I chose this class off her list (even though I really was interested in her other classes as well but sadly, I would have to be in the beginner classes and her classes are too advanced for me) because growing up with religion, I really had a lot of questions. I think it would be great to actually start at the beginning of religion and really understand them. It seems to me that this is the ONE thing in this life that everyone seems to feel is important, but they all think theirs is the ONLY REAL RELIGION and I just don't believe that.
- Comparative Religions – because of the same reason I have for wanting to take Ancient Religions 101. I'd like to compare the religions and see where the different religions differ and just how similar they really are at their core.
- Classical Mythology – isn't this where religion really began? I'd like to find out.
- Personality – I'd love to figure out why people act the way they do, what makes them tick, and how to adjust myself to those different personalities. I also think this will help me keep from taking things personally when people act bitchy.
- Psychology of Social Behavior – For the same reason as I'd like to take Personality.
- Philosophy of Religion – This pretty much speaks for itself especially if you've read my blog for ANY length of time.
- The History of Christianity – again…do you see a trend here? I am obviously trying to find my own path. I know what I believe, but I don't really have a label for it and that's what I'm really searching for. I'm looking for the name of the religion that fits my belief system and I realize that there may not be one out there that fits my beliefs. I'm okay with that, I just need to know.
So, I think these classes will definitely strengthen my life. I don't think they will "fix" my life, because even though I have been through a lot, and at times I've felt broken, my life is NOT broken and doesn't need fixing. I've lived through it all and I am the person I am today because of what I have gone through and the choices I have made in dealing with those circumstances. I'm strong, trusting, sweet, and naïve even through it all. I think that's a HUGE accomplishment and doesn't need to be "fixed".
Now, to tag my five:
- Amanda – we seem to have a lot in common and I'm interested in the classes you feel could help in your life. You have always been extremely supportive of everything I have ever blogged about and I appreciate you.
- RadioactiveJam – You're so creative, I would love to see the classes you come up with. I bet they're along the lines of Contemplator's choices (you know, made up and shit). You have also been very supportive of me and have kept me going on days when I've wanted to quit. I love your wit and sense of humor as only your fiends and minions could.
- Tysgirl – You completely crack me up and let me feel "safe" to show/share my more sarcastic/mean side (especially regarding your SIL). Your photography is absolutely amazing and you are such an encouragement to me.
- Formerly Known as 'Anonymous Army Wife' – Your strength encourages me. I would love to see the classes you would take. Are they classes you're already planning on taking? I wonder.
- Miranda's Window Dressing – We share the same birthday, and she was one of the very first blogs I ever stalked…I mean read.
NaBloPoMo – 11 days down, 29 to go. Don't you just love this count down? Ha! I'm so afraid that I'm gonna get the numbers wrong. Hope you had a great weekend.