Thursday, February 28, 2008

Where's a Remote When You Need One

At work, we've been having problems with our toilet. Because of this, we have been unable to use the faucets or bathroom in this house (our office is in a house). Thankfully, our House/Office is right next door to another, so we can go there to use the bathroom whenever needed.

They had jackhammers, a back hoe, who knows what else going today. They made all sorts of racket. When I got back from lunch today, it was the loudest it had been all day.

I started looking around my desk. I stopped to figure out what exactly I was looking for. It didn't take me long to realize that I was....Looking. For. A. Remote. Control. to turn down the noise. :-) I couldn't believe it. It's amazing the things you rely on without even realizing it.

In other news, I have found a new website that is very motivating in regards to allowing me to keep track of my eating, exercise, and a LOT of forums to get support in losing weight. Have you heard of SparkPeople? It's absolutely AMAZING! I found the site Wednesday morning and I can't seem to quit. As a matter of fact, because of this site, the goals I have set, and the fact that this site keeps me accountable in ways I NEVER imagined I have been on my elliptical trainer TWO. DAYS. IN A ROW! Can you believe it? I was shocked. All because I get points for reaching my goals each day. What good are the points? What are they good for? For me, they are worth a LOT because they motivate me to do what nothing else has been able to do. I exercised 2 days in a row. I am so excited about it.

I am going to keep up this blog even though I will be also blogging over there regarding my weight loss journey. I will also keep y'all updated over here. Please feel free to visit my SparkPage and leave notes or whatever you feel like doing. By the way, there are pictures over there. :-) Let me know if you have trouble seeing my SparkPage. I can't imagine that only SparkPeople members can see these pages so you'll have to let me know.

Wow! I didn't realize that I haven't blogged on here since Friday, I guess I have a bit to catch up on.

Things I'm thankful for this past week:
1. I LOST 1.6 pounds this past week. WooHoo! That takes my total weight loss to 31 pounds.
2. I'm glad that I found SparkPeople.
3. We went to 3 Predator games last week or was that the week before? My days are starting to run together.

Have a great rest of the week. Until later...

Friday, February 22, 2008


My bad!

I just realized that I didn't post about Wednesday and the trash issue. :-) So, here it is.

The other night (Wednesday), it was used paper plates, bowls, and plastic utensils on top of the stove. I couldn’t figure out why he can put the empty items on the stove instead of taking One.More.Step to put it in the trash. When I bitched about it (and you know I did - sorry), he said it was because the trash was full. I then had to tell him that I was able to put every.single.piece in the trash so it wasn’t THAT full.

So, that's the rant I forgot to post. Sorry. :-)


**LLLOONNGGG post ahead. Be warned!

I’m so glad it’s Friday. I am completely worn out. H and I have been to see the Predators play hockey 3 days in the last 7. We went Saturday with my parents (win), Tuesday with K (win in the last 3 minutes), and last night (lost in the shootout). Not too shabby, but damn! I’m getting old. I can’t keep up this pace anymore. H was going to look into getting us tickets for tomorrow’s game. You know I’m getting old when I told him I’d rather stay home, rest, and catch up on sleep.

I haven’t posted in a while, so let me catch you all up.

Friday night through Monday morning – we had a pretty good visit with my folks. It was definitely one of our better visits (except for the stupid argument over college bowl games). Dad and H are both stubborn and won’t give up until they either prove their point or are proven wrong. It kind of pissed me off – to the point that when dad left, he apologized for the arguing. Whatever! What really chapped my butt about the whole thing is that H and I have been following college football for the past 8 years because he’s been in a pool at his work. Dad only remembers what was going on before 8 years ago. Needless to say, H and I were right, dad was wrong, and I shut up about half-way through the argument because I just wanted it to stop. Because my parents are who they are, we ended up eating all our meals OUT!

Tuesday – I had my weigh in as usual and we were going to see the Predators for the second time in 4 days. I was debating on skipping the weigh in since I knew the scale would probably not be in my favor due to all the eating out and snacking at the house. Sadly, I talked mom into going to her weigh in Tuesday morning, so it wasn’t fair that I didn’t go to mine. Mom gained 2 pounds last week. I gained .6 so I was actually pretty pleased. I didn’t do as badly as I expected. The Predator game was great. I love when we play a Canadian team. The game seems super-charged, our guys skate much faster, and there is ALWAYS at least 1 fight. I’m never disappointed. K had been sick late last week and he still wasn’t feeling completely himself during the game. He just wasn’t as talkative as he normally is and he was ready to go almost as soon as the third period started.

Wednesday – A night at home. H stopped at the grocery store and brought home rotisserie chicken, pasta salad, a broccoli salad, and a potato salad. Dinner was great! Sadly, I have used the majority of my points for the week. I’m starting to have a rough week emotionally. I snapped at H over something extremely silly (I can say that now, but at the time, it really pissed me off – if you’ll remember, it’s the trash issue I have already written about).

Thursday – another Predator game. WooHoo! That’s now 3 games in 6 days. I was a side-seat driver all night. Unfortunately, it bugs the shit out of H. I really don’t mean to do it. It just happens before I realize I’m going to say anything. He looked at me and asked if I took my DAM today. Yep! Being “off” sure does make things tough around our house (okay, maybe just around me). What’s really strange is that I don’t realize that’s my problem until it’s too late, I’ve already snapped at you, or a few days have passed. I don’t understand how I can’t know that’s my problem before it gets to that point or even during the situation so I can at least shut my big mouth. Being “off” sure does explain a LOT this week (and by this week, I really mean since Wednesday – has it only been 3 days?). Anyway, the Pred game was great. K really got into it this time. He must be feeling much better. He was so funny during both games. He would sit up in his chair and lean on me. I would put my arm behind him and he would just relax against me. I loved it! What’s funny is that if I were to move my arm from behind him, he would lean heavier on my side so I knew he enjoyed sitting close to me. He was cheering more during this game and just making nonsense noise. It was great! It was “college night” at the game which meant all beer and sodas were $2 through the first intermission. H decided he’d drink a beer early in the first period. Fine, no big deal. About an hour later, H said something to K and K stopped him. K said, “Kuncle, I brush my teeth every day.” He then opened his mouth and pointed to his teeth. H looks in his mouth and says good job or something to that effect. K looked at H and said, “Kuncle, you should brush your teeth, too.” HAHAHA! Cracked me up. He obviously didn’t like H’s beer breath. Out of the mouths of babes. By the way, at the end of this day, I have used ALL 35 of my “weekly points allowance” and it’s only day 2. I am so screwed this week.

Friday – Crossing Bitch is at it again (that’s my new name for her). Other than that, I’m feeling pretty good today. I’m a bit tired, but I actually felt more tired on Wednesday, so I’m good. I think H was right when he said I seemed “off” yesterday. I’ve been getting choked up over the stupidest things today. I’ve also come to some realizations, so it isn’t all bad, but still. It’s kind of rough.

Okay, so the crap that went on today. First of all, Crossing Bitch did it again! I was going 15 mph (I know because I kept my eyes on my speedometer). As I got closer to her, but still a bit away, 4 kids cross the street (about 10-15 steps FROM.THE.CROSSWALK) while their dad watched. I was driving up to them and slowed down because I had a feeling they were going to cross right there instead of taking the few extra steps to the Crossing Bitch – I would have done anything to avoid her, too, but that’s beside the point. I was right, they crossed right there. The dad should have made them walk to the crosswalk. It’s there for their safety! DUH! So, I’m now driving 5 mph and I stop before I get to them so as to not run the little lawbreakers over like the good citizen/driver that I am (and why didn’t the crossing guard get on the dad for that instead of getting on me? That’s what I’d REALLY like to know). When the kids were completely across the street and they were far enough from the curb that I knew they weren’t going to run back across, I start moving again. 5 mph. At that point, Crossing Bitch has the NERVE, the AUDACITY, the GALL to tell me to slow down. Hell, Woman! If I slow down any farther, I’d be parked! Then she waves her hand at me and says “thanks” like she really appreciated me pretty much stopping when I was going 5 mph. Damn I’m starting to really dread seeing that woman. You know, just because my car is red does not mean I automatically speed. I wish she’d just get a policeman out there with a radar gun (they’ve been there before) so he can tell her that I’m. NOT. SPEEDING!

On another note, I have come to the realization that work relationships don’t really bother me unless I’m “off” and/or I’m out of balance. I’ve realized that today, because I got a bit miffed and hurt today over something that’s been going on for the past 6 months and it hasn’t bothered me until today. What happened? I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you...

EA goes to lunch around 11:30. I go to lunch between 12:45 and 1:00. Everyone else goes to lunch somewhere between those times. Lately, the women in my office have been going close to 12:30. What does this mean? It means, they could ask me to join them and when EA gets back from her lunch, I could meet them ANYWHERE they want to go. Do they ask me to join them? Nope! Do they even tell me they’re going to lunch? Not today. What’s worse about today is that it wasn’t just the two single girls (SUB and NGIO). MB and BB went with them. All four of them. They left 5 minutes before EA was scheduled back from lunch. Am I feeling left out today? Damn skippy! Obviously, I’m feeling “off” because it really bothered me. I started wondering why they go to lunch without bothering to ask me, EA, or MIO. Grant it, EA goes before they decide and MIO usually goes early and with some of the guys in his fraternity (he’s their advisor, so they go out quite a bit). That only leaves me for them to ask to join them. Do they? No. I don’t get it. Obviously, I don’t fit in for some reason, but heck if I know why. It seems I don’t have much to say to any of them anyway, so it really shouldn’t bother me – which leads me to believe, it only bothers me when I’m “struggling” or it would have bothered me for the past 6 months, too. I have joined in on some of their conversations and it seems I sometimes say things that cause an awkward silence (usually it has to do with my family - imagine that!). I’m sorry if my family wasn’t as loving as yours or that I didn’t feel loved or comfortable in my family as you all seem to in yours. I don’t really go into a lot of details; it’s usually just a comment here or there. Is that what’s ostracized me from the group (that’s how I feel sometimes)?

During lunch today, I was close to tears and that pissed me off, too. I actually couldn’t figure out what I wanted for lunch because I wanted “comfort food” but knew I shouldn’t eat it. I took a salad with me to work today, but didn't eat it. I knew the reasoning behind the action (this time anyway). I went to Krystal and got 2 chiks with cheese and a small fry. Yep! Ate it all. Could I kick myself now for it? Not really. I know that I’m going to have those moments. It’s inevitable especially since I battle depression. I actually felt good in the fact that I recognized what I was doing. I actually made a conscious decision and was in control instead of just finding something without realizing the “why” behind it. That’s a big step forward for me, so I’m happy with that progress at least even if I still allowed the poor decision.

I can tell that I’m “off” today. Being close to tears is one sign, feeling left out is another, but the clincher for me is the fact that I contemplated canceling dining out plans with H. It’s always during those times that I want to hide in my house and not come out. I am not going to cancel. I’m going to force myself to go and enjoy being with him. I need to get control over my “hermititis” (hermit-itis) instead of letting my emotional state keep me hidden and in my own cocoon. Sometimes I think my cocoon is worse for me than just facing the world and to hell with it. It’s just hard sometimes to not let the depression take over.

Now that I’m thinking a little bit more clearly, I realize that I really don’t have a lot in common with the majority of people I work with. SUB and NGIO are both single and in their 30’s. They feel as though they are going to be single forever and never find love. I kind of understand not wanting to spend a lot of time around a happily married person who is just a few years older than them but married for 11 years (especially a melancholy one that seemed to snag a man when they can’t – I get the jealousy. Haha...kidding). MB and BB have both only been married for about 3 years (tops). They both have little ones. MB has a one-year old. BB just had triplets last October (no drugs involved - all natural). They have their own worlds and problems that I just don’t understand and never will except for what I have experienced with K and K2. I get it. The only person I really have anything in common with is EA who is 69 years old this year. She’s been married since forever and has a son my age. Sadly, she is the closest to me in terms of life experience.

Even knowing all of this, I’d still like to know why I don’t fit in. I guess I may never know and I’ll probably always be an outsider. I always have been, so I don’t understand why I haven’t just accepted it before now. It is my way of life. It seems to be this way everywhere I’ve worked. I’m the only common denominator in all those jobs, so it has to be something with me, but I can’t figure it out. I tend to hide my feelings, but I do always try to have a smile on my face and you’d probably never guess I’m melancholy if you weren’t around me 24-7. Is that the deal? People think I’m “fake” in some way? Is it my depression holding me back and pushing people away? I do have my bad days, I am melancholic after all, but I try not to let it show at work. I try to keep my personal problems away from the office. Just because you see a smile on my face and hear a laugh from my mouth does not mean I’m not crying, or screaming for that matter, on the inside. Why can’t I just be accepted for who I am? I didn’t realize that was such a difficult thing for people. It must be, though, because I’m utterly stumped and constantly eating lunch alone. Oh well, I’m done bitching. I’m tired of dwelling on the crap I'm feeling today. I’m tired of feeling left out. I need to become my own best friend and find something to do during lunch so I don’t feel so alone and left out.

I hope y’all have a great weekend. Until later...

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

To Answer a Few Questions

Okay, so I have had a few questions regarding my "100 Random Things About Me" post.

First of all, I was surprised at just how easy it was to come up with 100 things. Grant it, I kind of felt like I cheated when I would technically have one thought but used up 3-4 numbers. :-) It made for a nice long list. If you need an example, check out numbers 1-8, 11-13, 15-18, 23-24, 27-29 (you get the idea). LOL

I actually didn't have to start thinking real hard about my list until around 82 (it ended up being #85 because I went back and added three higher in the list) when I said I was surprised I was able to come up with 82 things. I added those three higher because they happened to be about something I had already listed, so I thought I would be a bit organized about it (okay, so I'm anal - shut up!).

In regards to the "not wearing pants until I was 25" post, it was because I grew up in a church where it was taught that women "should not wear that which pertaineth to a man" and my church thought that meant women should not wear pants. I didn't wear pants until I started working in a warehouse - face it, wearing a skirt in a warehouse is just asking for all sorts of problems.

On another note, we're taking K to the Predator game tonight and also on Thursday. His dad is taking him on Saturday. That boy is racking up on Predator games this week. I'm really excited. I love to watch him at the game almost as much as I love watching the Preds.

Sorry I haven't been blogging the past few days. My folks have been in town which means I don't get to do hardly anything I would like to do. I haven't even kept up on your blogs, but I will be remedying that this week. I've missed you! Have a great week.

Until later...

Monday, February 18, 2008

All the Cool Kids are Doing it

100 random facts about me:

1. I grew up in Southern California

2. I was born in Redondo Beach, CA

3. I lived quite a few years in Long Beach, CA

4. I never learned how to swim

5. I am actually afraid of water

6. I freak out when water gets in my ears and/or nose

7. ...even in the shower

8. ...or when at the hairdresser

9. I was a cheerleader in high school

10. I was MVP on our high school volleyball team 2 years in a row

11. I went to public school for only 3 1/2 years (kindergarten, first grade, last half of third, and fourth)

12. ...In those years, I went back and forth to 3 different schools four times

13. From fifth through my senior year of high school, I went to 6 different schools

14. I took guitar lessons for the first half of third grade

15. I took piano lessons off and on for 7 years

16. Last year, I gave away my piano

17. The piano I had since 5th grade

18. I gave it to a little girl who wanted to take piano lessons, but had no access to a piano

19. I am a TV junkie

20. I’ll watch just about anything on TV (ask H)

21. I’m a nerd (read “book whore”)

22. I’ve always wanted to have a room in my house designated as a “library”

23. H wants me to sell the majority of my books

24. I’d get rid of my shoes, jewelry, and make-up before I give up my books

25. I’m lazy

26. ...and I enjoy it

27. I have never been a girly girl

28. I’ve often wanted to be a girly girl

29. ...because I thought that was what was expected of me

30. I suffer from migraines

31. I am allergic to just about every known airborne allergen (including cigarette smoke, all tree pollens, grass, dust, pet dander, mold, etc.)

32. The only thing I’ve ever tried smoking was a cigar

33. H and I got married in an appliance store

34. We were offered the beautiful gazebo across the street for our wedding

35. I declined

36. We were married at the back counter next to the cash register (seriously)

37. We went to Tunica to gamble that weekend

38. We didn’t have a “honeymoon” trip until a year later

39. We went to Florida

40. The soles of my feet is the only place I am ticklish

41. I won’t stick my hand in the garbage disposal

42. I won’t kill any insect or bug except a spider

43. All others have to be killed by H

44. I love the smell of Sharpies in the morning (kidding about the morning part, but I do love the smell of sharpies)

45. The majority of my best friends growing up were guys

46. I’ve always gotten along better with guys than I have with girls

47. I think girls are too catty and bitchy

48. I really hate working in an all female office (right now, there’s only one guy in our office and I get along best with him and the 60-something year old woman)

49. I’ve always connected more with people younger or older than myself

50. I’ve never really connected with people my own age

51. I enjoy doing online memes and quizzes (sucks for you, I know. Sorry)

52. I always wanted to be a mom growing up

53. I’ve always been afraid I’d be a terrible mom

54. I was afraid I would be just like my own mother

55. I love living close to my niece and nephew (on H’s side)

56. I think of them as my own children

57. I love sports (even more than H)

58. ...any sports

59. ...even if all I can do is watch it on TV

60. I think hockey is MUCH better in person

61. I think NASCAR is MUCH better on TV (I can hear the commentators and watch my guy all around the track instead of just waiting for the drivers to come in front of the grandstand)

62. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 27

63. I didn’t wear pants until I was 25

64. I didn’t drink alcohol until I was 28

65. Much to H’s dismay, I have a pretty melancholy personality

66. I struggle occasionally with depression

67. I am on medication for the depression and anxiety

68. Being on the medication shows me what normal is supposed feel like

69. I have always been in a crowd of people, but have felt extremely alone

70. I love my blog and the people I have met through my blog and those I read

71. I don’t feel as alone

72. H and I play World of Warcraft

73. I got into it to play with him so I wouldn’t feel left out while he played each night

74. My favorite perfume is Euphoria by Calvin Klein

75. I wear it every day (5 squirts)

76. I have been complimented many times for my singing

77. As a teenager, I dreamed of making a tape of my singing (now it would be a DVD)

78. I love to sing

79. I’ve had music teachers tell me I have a great ear

80. I can always tell when I (or anyone else) am off key

81. I hate that my brother and I aren’t as close as we used to be

82. I hate that he has moved his family back to CA

83. I hate that I hardly ever see his two boys and little girl

84. I hate that my parents and brother are judgmental and narrow-minded

85. I’m surprised I’ve been able to come up with 82 random facts about myself

86. I hate the fact that there are so many religions and denominations in the world

87. I hate using such a strong word as “hate” (I’ve used it 6 times so far in this list)

88. I was a virgin when I met H at the age of 27

89. I feel very blessed to have H in my life

90. I feel extremely blessed to have H’s family in my life

91. Sometimes I wish I would have been born into their family instead of mine (is that really bad to say?)

92. Bad drivers drive me NUTS

93. People that don’t know how to merge drive me absolutely bananas

94. H got me addicted to Starbuck’s coffee

95. My favorite ice cream is Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip

96. I love secretarial work

97. I can’t stand to be bored

98. I can read a book more than once without getting bored with it

99. I can watch a movie more than once without getting bored with it

100. I always hit my snooze button at least twice each morning.

Have a great week.
Until later...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Happy Hump Day!!!

It's Wednesday and I actually remembered. WooHoo! Aren't you proud of me? I'm proud of me.

So, the things I'm thankful for this week:
1. I lost another 1.6 pounds this week
2. My total weight loss is now...30 pounds!
3. I was able this past week to take off 2 pair of pants without undoing the button or the zipper (size 16 and a new pair of 14s). Woohoo!
4. I have a wonderful man in my life - hold your horses, it's my husband. We had another rough day today, but we're good and I'm thankful that I have him in my life even when we do have rough patches every once in a while.
5. The rough patches H and I have are fleeting and very rare. It's surprising, but the two spats we've had this past year is the most we've actually had in years.
6. I'm realizing just how strong I really am.
7. I found faith this week in my ability to lose down to the goal weight* I really want to be.

So, those are the things I'm thankful for this week.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. H and I exchanged gifts tonight. After the day we had today, we really needed it. H got me a white gold ring with my birthstone (blue topaz) in the shape of a heart. Actually, I don't like heart shapes, but it's the thought that counts and I love the shade of my birthstone that he bought (London Blue - it's my favorite). Every time he buys me a piece of jewelry with a stone in it, it's always heart-shaped. How do you tell the man you love that you really don't like heart shapes and would prefer any other shape? I'm terrible. I know it. I just can't help it. I'm not a girly girl and never have been. As I'm writing this, I just thought of two reasons why he always buys heart-shapes**. 1) he sees me as a girly girl 2) It's his way of showing me that he loves me. Hmmm. I think I'm going to change my mind about heart-shaped jewelry. I love that those are his reasons. Why did I not realize this before?

Anyway, I got H a Mr. Beer Home Brewery Kit. He seemed really excited about it. He's mentioned that he's always wanted to try brewing his own beer. Now's his chance. I listened to him. He's really looking forward to trying it out.

*I have my personal weight goal (and the goal for my tracker below) currently set at 148 pounds. In order to be considered for Lifetime status at Weight Watchers, I cannot have this goal weight unless I can get a letter from my doctor stating that is a healthy weight for me. This goal weight is actually a high probability because I will most likely be in a size 8 or 10 when I reach that weight. According to Weight Watcher's materials, I have to set my goal weight no higher than 135 until I reach age 45 where I can add 6 pounds (I'll be 40 at the end of this year, so that's out at the moment). Until yesterday, I didn't think I could hit the 148 mark let alone set my goal lower. As of yesterday (since losing 30 pounds), I have realized that I can probably get down to 135. I just don't know that I WANT to. I am going to keep my goal at 148 and see what my doctor says next time I go in to see her. I don't have to be stick thin. I like that I have a curvy body. I don't want to lose my curves. H loves my curves. Anyway, so those are my current thoughts on that issue.

**I asked H why he always buys me heart-shaped jewelry and he confirmed that it's because he loves me and he wants me to know it every time I look at the piece. Yep! Definitely liking heart shapes now (what they stand for anyway).

Have a VERY Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. Have a great week!

Until later...

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Book Meme

Here's a new meme that hit me via Contemplator at Dante's Virgil.

Here’s the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I have just started reading a new book. I'm still in the first chapter. So, on with the meme. On page 123 of Dave Egger's A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, after the fifth sentence, the next three lines are as follows:

1. "I have donated to t he couple from the women's shelter, and to that little boy from the youth group, to the woman from the Green Party, the kids from the Boys Club, the pair of solemn teenagers from SANE/FREEZE."
2. "The Berkeley-ness of Berkeley, so charming at first, is getting old."
3. "The bell rings."

I am tagging these five people because I love reading their blogs and I'm curious to know if we have the same taste in reading material. I'm also looking for new reading material (always on my to do list) and thought your books might be just what I'm looking for. :-) The five people I am tagging for this are:

1. Kristin at Formerly Known as "Anonymous Army Wife" (a book for class counts) :-)
2. I Eat Snowman Poop (I thought bedrest may cause you to slow down and pick up a book)
3. Manda at I Know, Right
4. TysGirl at Nucking Futs (Hmmm, something about DoorKnobs, maybe?) hahaha!
5. RaJ from Radioactive Jam (I have a feeling your choice is going to make me laugh)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Happy Thursday!!

Why can’t I remember to do a Happy Hump Day post on Wednesday? I also realize that I haven’t updated y’all on my weigh in from Tuesday night.

Okay, so the things I am happy for this week:
•I finally hemmed one pair of new pants (I can now wear them to work, but I still have 3 more pair to hem before I shrink out of them – which is quickly becoming a reality – no complaints here)
•I lost 1.6 pounds this past week! WooHoo!
•I am finally below 170 pounds (I can’t remember the last time I was below 170)
•I have lost a total of 28.4 pounds (Check out my weight tracker at the bottom of the page)
•H has told me when I lost 30 pounds (only 1.6 away!), I can get a personal profile from Missus Smarty Pants to help me figure out the best styles of clothes for my body. (WooHoo! I am really looking forward to this)

By the way, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. It is definitely nice knowing I am not alone in my thoughts, conflicts, and confusions. For such a long time, I felt as though I were alone in my thinking. No one in my family thinks or believes the same way I do on a LOT of issues so I have gone the majority of my life feeling as though I were an oddball and alone. It wasn’t until I met H 12 years ago that I finally had someone I could talk to about my thoughts and beliefs without fear (my family is VERY judgmental and close-minded). It is so nice to know that I am no longer alone.

Until later...

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Abortion Issue

Do I think abortion is murder? Yes. Do I think it’s wrong? That’s something I’m actually struggling with. I know that sounds strange, but I really don’t know how I feel about abortion.

I completely understand abortion when the mother’s life is at risk. I also understand abortion when the child is a result of rape or incest. I can understand the woman not wanting to keep the child or to be reminded of how the child was conceived for the next nine months.

Sadly, there are already so many children in foster care or placed with adoption agencies that we cannot find enough parents to take them. Not wanting to adopt is a whole other issue that I’m not going to discuss right now. Some of the children in foster care do not fare well. They are still abused by those that are supposed to be looking out for their best interests.

Is it better to have an abortion than to put a child through a life that could be marked with disaster? I realize that disaster is not guaranteed, but neither is having a happy life. All children deserved to be loved, wanted, and happy. Sometimes, I’m just confused about this issue. I feel terrible and conflicted because I am confused. I was brought up in the Christian faith where murder is a major sin.

In all honesty, though, I would much rather hear of a child being aborted than hearing what’s been on the news lately. There’s been a father who has confessed to stomping on his 3-year old’s head. There’s been the man who was upset because his wife gave him another boy (I think it was the couple’s 4th) so he held the child up and dropped him on his head on the pavement. There’s the woman who microwaved her little girl. Then there’s also the man that starved his 17-month old to the point the child weighed only 10 pounds (this child was also so cold that a temperature could not be taken). All these children died! The list could go on.

It breaks my heart to hear about these children. It just doesn’t seem fair to me that a person that could carry out those heinous crimes on innocent children can reproduce when H and I can’t. I cried last night just thinking about this. I actually cry often when I think of this as I do each time a new story is aired that a child has been abused in ANY way.

I would much rather that these children would have been aborted then to have to live through the pain these atrocities put them through. Don’t get me wrong. Abortion is NOT a form of birth control! I will NEVER believe that! I’m just so conflicted about the rest of it. I think part of the reason I’m so conflicted is because of my upbringing (not that my upbringing was bad – I just don’t always see eye to eye with the religious beliefs of my family or the denomination I grew up believing).

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for quite some time now (try to work through the conflicts by putting it to words), but I’ve been afraid you would think I’m a terrible person for feeling the way that I do and for being so conflicted about this issue. I even asked H last night if these thoughts made me a bad person (again, probably because of my upbringing). I apologize if any of my remarks upset any of you, but I had to get these thoughts out. That’s what this blog is all about after all.

What are your thoughts? Until later...

Sunday, February 03, 2008


Your Birthdate: December 15

You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things.

You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle.

Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home.

You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak.

Your strength: Your intense optimism

Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents

Your power color: Jade

Your power symbol: Flower

Your power month: June

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Some Crossing Guards SUCK!!!!

Some crossing guards SUCK! That’s right, I said it (TWICE). I’ve said before that I am a very speed-conscious driver. I don’t speed, intentionally. When I notice that I’m speeding, I slow down to the speed limit. End of story. Every time. Honestly!

Keeping all of that in mind, Thursday the crossing guard was waving her arms at me to slow down. I immediately looked at my speedometer to see how fast I was going. Yeah, um, I was going 15 or 16 miles an hour (17 tops only because it is extremely hard to stay at one speed for any length of time). I slowed to where my speedometer read 14 mph. She’s still waving at me to slow. She backed me down to 10 mph. Bitch!

Normally, I avoid any and all confrontations. Thursday, I pulled up to her and I stopped. Not only did I stop, I rolled down my window and asked her, “It’s 15 mph, right?” She said that it was so I told her that’s what my speedometer read. The bitch had the NERVE to tell me, “Usually when people argue with a crossing guard it’s because they’re in the wrong.” First of all, I didn’t argue. I asked a simple question because I wanted clarification. So...asking a question is considered arguing? That’s interesting.

I wave to this bitch EVERY DAMN DAY when I pass her and she smiles and waves back. I’ve been driving the SAME speed EVERY DAMN DAY and Thursday she slows me down by 5 mph. After her little statement, I told her that my speedometer had me at 15. She said, “Well, it starts way back there.” I told her I was aware of that and that I was at 15 just a few feet past the flashing lights. She backtracked a bit and said, “Well, sometimes it’s not just about speed. Sometimes I see a child that’s about to run out in the street.” I told her that I could understand that, told her to have a nice day, and I drove off (at 15 mph). By the way, there were NO CHILDREN anywhere around when she told me to slow down, when I got to her, or when I passed her.

If you were behind me while I talked with the crossing guard, I’m sorry I held you up and slowed your commute. I guess Thursday was the last straw from people telling me to slow down when I DON’T SPEED. I can show them speeding. I LOVE driving fast. Put me on Interstate 840 and I can be driving 90 mph without even realizing it.

I think I’m the kind of person that holds onto EVERYTHING. Why, you ask? Because I’m still pissed at this bitch. Even though I forgot about the incident for the remainder of Thursday and Thursday night. I absolutely HATED driving past her Friday morning (and yes, I waved and smiled as I do every morning), but once I got past her, I flipped her off (my hand carefully/securely tucked under the steering wheel so no one but me saw it). Yep! I felt a bit better, but when I wrote this early Friday afternoon I found that I was still seething over this. Hopefully, I’ll be over it by Monday. Wish me luck!

I just realized that I haven't updated you all on my weigh in this week. No change! I didn't gain, but I didn't lose either. Oh well. With everything that's been going on for the past two weeks with doctor appointments and my stressing over it, I can live with that. I know what I've eaten for those two weeks and trust me when I say, I'm shocked that I didn't gain. Even H said he thought I would gain at least one pound this week. God I LOVE proving that man wrong. hahaha

Until later...