Thoughts dated 5/23/01

As a child, I didn’t understand much about my parents. I wasn’t able to see them as people with dreams, like me. I didn’t see them as individuals. They were my parents. To me, that was enough. Some of the things that I enjoy, I don’t do much of anymore. I love to sing, read, play piano and write poetry. I haven’t written poetry in over five years now. I don’t know why. I guess that sometimes as you’re living life, a few things tend to fall by the wayside. Maybe I felt that I didn’t deserve to enjoy the creative things that I loved. That sentence will tell you a lot about me if you think about it. At this time in my life, I am insecure. I have always been insecure about everything. I am getting better at realizing that I deserve to be happy, but I am not quite where I want to be or where I hope to be. You see, I am thirty-two years old as I write this to you. I have been married twice, divorced once. I had a few bad relationships that made it hard for me to love myself and to realize that I deserved to be loved by others. I always felt that I had to please others and be what they wanted and expected me to be. It is hard to live a life by other’s expectations of you or their standards.

You need to live your life in a way that you will be proud of. A life where you can look back in years to come and realize that you did the best that you could and that you are not ashamed of the choices you made. As I am writing this, I just realized why I no longer write poetry. It isn’t because I think I don’t deserve to have anything creative in my life. It is because all my poems were written because I was trying to bring love into my life and talk myself into believing that I deserved to be loved. I have stopped writing poetry because I have found the love that I felt was missing in my life. I now know that I am loved and accepted for who I am. He loves me faults and all. He has helped me realize a lot of things in my life and has gotten me through a lot of hard times emotionally. I think that now I can start to write poetry again, but this time, I can write about everything not just love which I felt was missing from my life.