Things I realized this week

YESETERDAY
did 50 crunches
walked 3 or 4 laps (6.5 = 1 mile) - I don't remember which it was now
biked "fit test" level 2 (1.8 miles)

I don't think I'm going to keep a log of what I eat everyday. It made me realize that I am not eating enough calories - which could be why I'm not losing weight (my body thinks I'm starving it). I will be eatting more calories for the next few days to see if that helps.

Well, I've been working out this week and having some insightful realizations. Man! I hate when that happens. :-) Anyway, I finally realized why I gained my weight in the first place. I was never overweight growing up. Seeing my mom overweight made me realize that I didn't want to be overweight. I saw all that she had to go through and didn't want to go through that myself.

Anyway, I realized this week that I have gained weight as a safety mechanism. I use food to hide (which I'm pretty sure my mom does, too). I hide because I'm scared. I was sexually abused as a child, so I grew up with little to no self-esteem. I figured if one person in my family could hurt me instead of keeping me safe that I wasn't safe with anyone in my family. The worst part about the whole situation was that I was too young to really remember what happened, but I never felt comfortable with this relative, hated having to kiss him hello and good-bye everytime we saw him, and we saw him almost every weekend. I dated a guy in high school that hurt me often (emotionally) because he dated other girls at the same time. I usually dated the wrong type of guys because I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I then married a man that was also sexually abused as a child and he couldn't "perform" but we stayed married for 5 1/2 years. The last year of this relationship, I started working in a warehouse. During this time, I was getting all sorts of lude comments from guys I worked with which made me start wearing clothes that were too big on me to hide my body. After this, I was sexually harrassed by one of my bosses, so I found that I started eating unhealthily which then made me gain weight. Because of this, I started gaining weight and hiding myself so that I wouldn't have to deal with looks and comments from guys that make me uncomfortable.

I also realized that I need to start loving myself for who I am. I also realized that I do not know completely who I am. I know that I do not enjoy being alone (could be because I battle with depression). I love spending time with my family. They are the most important people in the world to me. I consider everyone I meet a friend (which has gotten me in trouble because I trust people long before I should). You would think that I had learned at an early age to not trust people, but I didn't. Anyway, I guess I still have stuff to figure out. I also figured that it would be theraputic to write it here because I don't think anyone would actually read my blogs, but it gives me a place to release things. I can look back in years to come and see just how far I have come.

Hubby and I are planning on working out when he gets home and trying out a new restaurant. I'll write more later to let you know how it went.