6/9/05

I had a great talk with my husband last night regarding the things I am learning in this class and the things I have written about in this journal. Talking with him made me realize that my greatest fear is that if I follow this path I will lose my family (parents and brother). Hubby made me realize that I no longer act the way my parents expect me to (when I’m around them) and that I haven’t for at least four years now. Realizing this showed me two things: 1) I have been on this path much longer than I realized and 2) I have not lost my family yet, so there is a very good chance I will not lose them at all. They don’t really know me or understand me, but they still love me in their own way. It also showed me that I am further down the road on my path than I thought I was even though I am not sure where I am or where I am going. At least now I can see where I have been. I have been searching and questioning my entire life. I just realized that it doesn’t matter if I find the elusive thing I am looking for. My journey is the quest. That is where I am and that is all that matters. I just need to keep seeking and keep pursuing. If I never find what I am looking for, it’s okay. I have learned a lot along the way. My journey is what matters not my destination. I think Siddhartha is a book that I will read many times in my lifetime. I’m sure I will pick up on new things depending on where I am in my life when I read it again.

We have been talking in class today about self. One thing that was mentioned was that self is the sum of our experiences. The experience isn’t happening to a thing. It is just happening. I have told many people in my life that I am who I am because of my experiences and how I have dealt with each situation. I have always thought that if you took away one of those experiences or changed my reaction to one of those situations that I would be a different person. We’ve been talking about how everything is the same. Westerners believe in dualism and Easterners believe in monism. If everything is the same, isn’t the afterlife just more life? Is that the thinking behind reincarnation? We learn new things by being manifested in a new “body” and have different experiences or reactions to those experiences than we did in the previous life. I can accept that. Is the learning process just as important as the journey? Actually, the learning process is the journey. They are the same.