I don't get it...

My parents have NEVER supported me in the things I want to do. For example, when I went to college in 1987 right out of high school, I wanted to major in secretarial studies. My mom said NO! that I could do better than that. First of all, what's wrong with being a secretary? It's not a demeaning job in ANY way and I love that type of work. Anyway, being the good obedient girl that I was, I majored in English Education. My mom wanted me to be a teacher (or a preacher's wife). I went to school for one year and quit because I didn't know how to get away from a boyfriend that scared me and intimidated me to do things I knew were wrong (one of the wrong type of guys I dated). 20 years later, what is my major - Office Management! Why? To become an executive assistant, administrative secretary, etc. Same thing I wanted 20 years ago - except if I had majored in it when I first wanted to, I'd be making some big bucks by now.

My brother has a pipe dream of being a pro golfer - has for many years. He even went to college to play golf and played against Tiger Woods when he was in college. Yeah, they played together and when Tiger went Pro, my brother said Tiger wasn't ready. Sounds like sour grapes to me. My brother's problem is that he doesn't work at it. He has the skill and the talent, he's just lazy and doesn't want to put forth the effort needed to play at that level. He isn't motivated. Anyway, my parents have always backed him up in EVERYTHING. Did they think he needed the boost to his ego and that I was okay and didn't need their approval? Boy were they wrong.

He has such a pipe dream that will never come true yet they back him 100%. I have a "dream" that has every possibility of coming true, and they can't even back me up at all. I just don't get it. My brother has even changed his dream to be something more likely to come true, but he still isn't putting any effort into it. I don't think it will ever happen. I will be graduating from college in Aug and my parents are trying to push me to get a Master's degree instead of just being proud of me for going back to college after almost 20 years - which in itself is not an easy thing to do -, and for sticking it out to graduation. I can never seem to do enough to please them, make them proud of me, or even just accept me for who I am.

I just don't get it. On top of that, I was the "perfect daughter". I never got into trouble - okay once when I let a boy climb in my bedroom window when they weren't home (he told everyone at school about it - a church school, so since my parents didn't want me to get kicked out for something that didn't happen on school property, they made me go to the pastor and tell him what happened - real nice and supportive, huh?). My brother was always getting into trouble. I got straight "A's" and if he got a "C", my parents got all excited about it. If I got anything less than an "A", I was told that "you can do better than that". What's really crazy about all of this is that my brother got better SAT scores than I did - only by a few points, but he still did better than I did and they were so happy with his "C's" - go figure!

Yes, I am 36 years old and this stuff is still bothering me. I really need to let it go. It would be easier to let it go if my parents weren't still pushing me to succeed to what they think I need to be. Neither one of them graduated from college - my mom didn't even go. My brother didn't graduate from college, so why can't they just be proud of me for where I am and what I am doing instead of trying to push me further? I am happy and content just to be graduating after all these years (especially since I didn't get a high school graduation - another long story that has a lot of hurt feelings for me). What a life! I told you at the beginning that I have been through a lot. Are you starting to believe me yet?

NEW TOPIC
Hubby and I went to a new Indian restaurant tonight. I didn't like it at all. It was too spicy and all the food looks like slop. Maybe it was just the way they made it, but I've heard it is one of the most authentic and best Indian restaurants in this part of the state.

We did not work out tonight. I am having a problem with one of my wrists today and one ankle. What a mess!

I'm going to quit writing for tonight. I obviously still have alot more to work through than I thought. I assumed I was past all of this - you know what they say about assuming. I was fine until I talked to my mom on the phone today. She went into how I should get a Master's degree and why...I thought she would never quit. I just want them to leave me alone. I'm going to make my own decision. I just want them to accept my decision for what it is - MY decision. They don't tell my brother what they think he should do - then again, he yells at them and I don't. I'm just way too nice and I internalize everything. Sometimes I wish I could be like my little brother. I think my life would be happier if I could just tell them to leave me alone when it comes to the decisions I make.