Realizations Since Friday

1. I have known for a long time that not everyone will like me, but I have always had a problem realizing that I don’t have to like everyone either. It is extremely hard for me to give up or change habits. This is one habit I have had for as long as I can remember. Be nice and kind to everyone and they will be nice and kind to you. It’s that whole, living up to high expectations that I have done since I was a small girl. SUB doesn’t like me, that’s fine; but I don’t have to like her either. And I don’t!

2. I have always had a Pollyanna outlook on life. You know what I’m talking about – always looking through rose-colored glasses, always seeing the glass as half-full, that sort of thing. I think that’s one reason I am always so shocked when someone acts counter balance of that image.

3. You see, I also tend to always expect to see the best side of everyone just as I have tried for years to always show the best side of me (I have fallen short of that on occasion, but mostly, I do keep those tacky parts to myself especially these past few years – that doesn’t mean I won’t blog about what’s bothering me because this is my journal and the best way I have found to get out the things that are bothering me without letting them fester or keep me down).

4. I am finally realizing that not everyone has a BEST side and realizing that sometimes their best side is really no different than their Bitch side. Not all people are nice, friendly, or worth spending a lot of time around. I am learning to accept that and to realize that this is just the way some people are; you see, I tend to excuse away bad behavior by thinking their just having a bad day, when in reality, they have a bad personality, probably hate their lives, and suck the life out of everything around them with their negativity. I don’t need that in my life and I don’t want that in my life. Hence, whatever is thrown at me will no longer bother me. With this mindset, I can actually brush it off and chock it up to the fact that you’re just the way you are, you aren’t going to change, and it really has NOTHING to do with me but everything to do with you (you know I’m talking about SUB here).

5. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and am way too trusting for my own good. You would think with everything I have been through in my lifetime that I would, at the very least, have learned that people need to earn my trust before I so freely give it away. Unfortunately, that is not how I operate. I trust blindly and willingly those that I barely know. It’s no wonder I get my feelings hurt when you show me you really don’t deserve my trust or my friendship and sometimes show that you don’t want my friendship. No one ever asks for my friendship or trust (in actions – I really don’t expect this to be literal). The first day I meet you, you already have those things from me until you hurt me to the point that I can’t take anymore. At that point, I take back my friendship and trust and, chances are, you will never see them again. A good example – SUB! I have been here for 9 months taking her crap. I’m done! I understand she is the way she is and I accept that, but I am no longer going to go out of my way to be her friend or help her and there’s no way I’ll trust her or her friendship again. As it is now, there are days that she’s really nice and sweet, then all of a sudden, and for no good reason, she turns into a viper. I’m no longer going to bend backwards to figure out your moods or try to make your life simpler in any way. I will do my job to the best of my ability as I always have, but I will no longer go out of my way to help you, befriend you, or trust you.

And those are my recent revelations. Until later...