TGIF!!

**LLLOONNGGG post ahead. Be warned!

I’m so glad it’s Friday. I am completely worn out. H and I have been to see the Predators play hockey 3 days in the last 7. We went Saturday with my parents (win), Tuesday with K (win in the last 3 minutes), and last night (lost in the shootout). Not too shabby, but damn! I’m getting old. I can’t keep up this pace anymore. H was going to look into getting us tickets for tomorrow’s game. You know I’m getting old when I told him I’d rather stay home, rest, and catch up on sleep.

I haven’t posted in a while, so let me catch you all up.

Friday night through Monday morning – we had a pretty good visit with my folks. It was definitely one of our better visits (except for the stupid argument over college bowl games). Dad and H are both stubborn and won’t give up until they either prove their point or are proven wrong. It kind of pissed me off – to the point that when dad left, he apologized for the arguing. Whatever! What really chapped my butt about the whole thing is that H and I have been following college football for the past 8 years because he’s been in a pool at his work. Dad only remembers what was going on before 8 years ago. Needless to say, H and I were right, dad was wrong, and I shut up about half-way through the argument because I just wanted it to stop. Because my parents are who they are, we ended up eating all our meals OUT!

Tuesday – I had my weigh in as usual and we were going to see the Predators for the second time in 4 days. I was debating on skipping the weigh in since I knew the scale would probably not be in my favor due to all the eating out and snacking at the house. Sadly, I talked mom into going to her weigh in Tuesday morning, so it wasn’t fair that I didn’t go to mine. Mom gained 2 pounds last week. I gained .6 so I was actually pretty pleased. I didn’t do as badly as I expected. The Predator game was great. I love when we play a Canadian team. The game seems super-charged, our guys skate much faster, and there is ALWAYS at least 1 fight. I’m never disappointed. K had been sick late last week and he still wasn’t feeling completely himself during the game. He just wasn’t as talkative as he normally is and he was ready to go almost as soon as the third period started.

Wednesday – A night at home. H stopped at the grocery store and brought home rotisserie chicken, pasta salad, a broccoli salad, and a potato salad. Dinner was great! Sadly, I have used the majority of my points for the week. I’m starting to have a rough week emotionally. I snapped at H over something extremely silly (I can say that now, but at the time, it really pissed me off – if you’ll remember, it’s the trash issue I have already written about).

Thursday – another Predator game. WooHoo! That’s now 3 games in 6 days. I was a side-seat driver all night. Unfortunately, it bugs the shit out of H. I really don’t mean to do it. It just happens before I realize I’m going to say anything. He looked at me and asked if I took my DAM today. Yep! Being “off” sure does make things tough around our house (okay, maybe just around me). What’s really strange is that I don’t realize that’s my problem until it’s too late, I’ve already snapped at you, or a few days have passed. I don’t understand how I can’t know that’s my problem before it gets to that point or even during the situation so I can at least shut my big mouth. Being “off” sure does explain a LOT this week (and by this week, I really mean since Wednesday – has it only been 3 days?). Anyway, the Pred game was great. K really got into it this time. He must be feeling much better. He was so funny during both games. He would sit up in his chair and lean on me. I would put my arm behind him and he would just relax against me. I loved it! What’s funny is that if I were to move my arm from behind him, he would lean heavier on my side so I knew he enjoyed sitting close to me. He was cheering more during this game and just making nonsense noise. It was great! It was “college night” at the game which meant all beer and sodas were $2 through the first intermission. H decided he’d drink a beer early in the first period. Fine, no big deal. About an hour later, H said something to K and K stopped him. K said, “Kuncle, I brush my teeth every day.” He then opened his mouth and pointed to his teeth. H looks in his mouth and says good job or something to that effect. K looked at H and said, “Kuncle, you should brush your teeth, too.” HAHAHA! Cracked me up. He obviously didn’t like H’s beer breath. Out of the mouths of babes. By the way, at the end of this day, I have used ALL 35 of my “weekly points allowance” and it’s only day 2. I am so screwed this week.

Friday – Crossing Bitch is at it again (that’s my new name for her). Other than that, I’m feeling pretty good today. I’m a bit tired, but I actually felt more tired on Wednesday, so I’m good. I think H was right when he said I seemed “off” yesterday. I’ve been getting choked up over the stupidest things today. I’ve also come to some realizations, so it isn’t all bad, but still. It’s kind of rough.

Okay, so the crap that went on today. First of all, Crossing Bitch did it again! I was going 15 mph (I know because I kept my eyes on my speedometer). As I got closer to her, but still a bit away, 4 kids cross the street (about 10-15 steps FROM.THE.CROSSWALK) while their dad watched. I was driving up to them and slowed down because I had a feeling they were going to cross right there instead of taking the few extra steps to the Crossing Bitch – I would have done anything to avoid her, too, but that’s beside the point. I was right, they crossed right there. The dad should have made them walk to the crosswalk. It’s there for their safety! DUH! So, I’m now driving 5 mph and I stop before I get to them so as to not run the little lawbreakers over like the good citizen/driver that I am (and why didn’t the crossing guard get on the dad for that instead of getting on me? That’s what I’d REALLY like to know). When the kids were completely across the street and they were far enough from the curb that I knew they weren’t going to run back across, I start moving again. 5 mph. At that point, Crossing Bitch has the NERVE, the AUDACITY, the GALL to tell me to slow down. Hell, Woman! If I slow down any farther, I’d be parked! Then she waves her hand at me and says “thanks” like she really appreciated me pretty much stopping when I was going 5 mph. Damn I’m starting to really dread seeing that woman. You know, just because my car is red does not mean I automatically speed. I wish she’d just get a policeman out there with a radar gun (they’ve been there before) so he can tell her that I’m. NOT. SPEEDING!

On another note, I have come to the realization that work relationships don’t really bother me unless I’m “off” and/or I’m out of balance. I’ve realized that today, because I got a bit miffed and hurt today over something that’s been going on for the past 6 months and it hasn’t bothered me until today. What happened? I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you...

EA goes to lunch around 11:30. I go to lunch between 12:45 and 1:00. Everyone else goes to lunch somewhere between those times. Lately, the women in my office have been going close to 12:30. What does this mean? It means, they could ask me to join them and when EA gets back from her lunch, I could meet them ANYWHERE they want to go. Do they ask me to join them? Nope! Do they even tell me they’re going to lunch? Not today. What’s worse about today is that it wasn’t just the two single girls (SUB and NGIO). MB and BB went with them. All four of them. They left 5 minutes before EA was scheduled back from lunch. Am I feeling left out today? Damn skippy! Obviously, I’m feeling “off” because it really bothered me. I started wondering why they go to lunch without bothering to ask me, EA, or MIO. Grant it, EA goes before they decide and MIO usually goes early and with some of the guys in his fraternity (he’s their advisor, so they go out quite a bit). That only leaves me for them to ask to join them. Do they? No. I don’t get it. Obviously, I don’t fit in for some reason, but heck if I know why. It seems I don’t have much to say to any of them anyway, so it really shouldn’t bother me – which leads me to believe, it only bothers me when I’m “struggling” or it would have bothered me for the past 6 months, too. I have joined in on some of their conversations and it seems I sometimes say things that cause an awkward silence (usually it has to do with my family - imagine that!). I’m sorry if my family wasn’t as loving as yours or that I didn’t feel loved or comfortable in my family as you all seem to in yours. I don’t really go into a lot of details; it’s usually just a comment here or there. Is that what’s ostracized me from the group (that’s how I feel sometimes)?

During lunch today, I was close to tears and that pissed me off, too. I actually couldn’t figure out what I wanted for lunch because I wanted “comfort food” but knew I shouldn’t eat it. I took a salad with me to work today, but didn't eat it. I knew the reasoning behind the action (this time anyway). I went to Krystal and got 2 chiks with cheese and a small fry. Yep! Ate it all. Could I kick myself now for it? Not really. I know that I’m going to have those moments. It’s inevitable especially since I battle depression. I actually felt good in the fact that I recognized what I was doing. I actually made a conscious decision and was in control instead of just finding something without realizing the “why” behind it. That’s a big step forward for me, so I’m happy with that progress at least even if I still allowed the poor decision.

I can tell that I’m “off” today. Being close to tears is one sign, feeling left out is another, but the clincher for me is the fact that I contemplated canceling dining out plans with H. It’s always during those times that I want to hide in my house and not come out. I am not going to cancel. I’m going to force myself to go and enjoy being with him. I need to get control over my “hermititis” (hermit-itis) instead of letting my emotional state keep me hidden and in my own cocoon. Sometimes I think my cocoon is worse for me than just facing the world and to hell with it. It’s just hard sometimes to not let the depression take over.

Now that I’m thinking a little bit more clearly, I realize that I really don’t have a lot in common with the majority of people I work with. SUB and NGIO are both single and in their 30’s. They feel as though they are going to be single forever and never find love. I kind of understand not wanting to spend a lot of time around a happily married person who is just a few years older than them but married for 11 years (especially a melancholy one that seemed to snag a man when they can’t – I get the jealousy. Haha...kidding). MB and BB have both only been married for about 3 years (tops). They both have little ones. MB has a one-year old. BB just had triplets last October (no drugs involved - all natural). They have their own worlds and problems that I just don’t understand and never will except for what I have experienced with K and K2. I get it. The only person I really have anything in common with is EA who is 69 years old this year. She’s been married since forever and has a son my age. Sadly, she is the closest to me in terms of life experience.

Even knowing all of this, I’d still like to know why I don’t fit in. I guess I may never know and I’ll probably always be an outsider. I always have been, so I don’t understand why I haven’t just accepted it before now. It is my way of life. It seems to be this way everywhere I’ve worked. I’m the only common denominator in all those jobs, so it has to be something with me, but I can’t figure it out. I tend to hide my feelings, but I do always try to have a smile on my face and you’d probably never guess I’m melancholy if you weren’t around me 24-7. Is that the deal? People think I’m “fake” in some way? Is it my depression holding me back and pushing people away? I do have my bad days, I am melancholic after all, but I try not to let it show at work. I try to keep my personal problems away from the office. Just because you see a smile on my face and hear a laugh from my mouth does not mean I’m not crying, or screaming for that matter, on the inside. Why can’t I just be accepted for who I am? I didn’t realize that was such a difficult thing for people. It must be, though, because I’m utterly stumped and constantly eating lunch alone. Oh well, I’m done bitching. I’m tired of dwelling on the crap I'm feeling today. I’m tired of feeling left out. I need to become my own best friend and find something to do during lunch so I don’t feel so alone and left out.

I hope y’all have a great weekend. Until later...