I'm a Posting Fool

Ok...maybe I'm just a fool, but after blogging all those posts last month, I'm now in the habit of posting every day and I feel as though I've forgotten something or I've missed something if I don't post in a day. Strange, I know, but there you go.

My birthday, in general, has never bothered me. Honestly, I'm only one day older than I was the day before. I know this and I say this almost every year, if not to myself then to someone else who's having a rough time around their birthday. When looking at a birthday that way, it really is no big deal. Having said that, though, surprisingly 30 actually hit me pretty hard. It wasn't the actual day itself that hit me hard. It was the whole year realizing I was "going to be 30 this year" had me in tears occasionally from January until December. The day itself was great. It was the anticipation, the remembering yourself as a child saying "30 is old" made the whole year extremely difficult for me. That is the only time that having my birthday at the end of the year and anticipating it all year long was hard for me. I don't think I'll have the same dread this next year as I look forward to 40. Hey, that's a good mantra for me this next year "Looking Forward to 40!" Ha!

There were actually a lot of things going on in my life the year I turned 30. I was sexually harassed at work, I was in the midst of my worst depression ever, it was the first time a doctor has ever diagnosed me with depression, and I started gaining weight that year as a defense mechanism to the sexual harassment. That year was very strange in many ways due to all of those circumstances. It's nice now to look back on it all and realize that I was just going through a hard time that, in all reality, had nothing to do with my turning 30.

While typing the above paragraph, I realized that my defense mechanism (gaining weight in order to hide myself and become invisible to everyone around me) was actually due to a lot more than just the sexual harassment I was facing at work from the guys in the warehouse. Face it...I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather at the age of 4, I had a boyfriend that tried to push sex on me (I didn't do it, but in my mind, he tried to rape me), then the sexual harassment. I really think that I thought I needed to hide becuase there was something about me that kept drawing this type of person to me and it scared the living shit out of me. I had to hide myself from these people somehow and gaining weight was the only way I knew to do it (hell, I had seen it work for my mom almost my entire life - I saw her at her biggest and when she lost the weight as well as how people reacted to her all along the way. It's sad that people you have known for 20 years can treat you differently because you've lost a lot of weight instead of just being your friend when you actually need one). Anyway...I no longer feel that I need to hide and realize that I really over-reacted on the boyfriend issue. He didn't even know about my past and had no clue that I had a problem so that really wasn't his fault. He was just a normal guy and I was a lonely girl looking for love anywhere I could find it. I just happened to get scared when it got to this point and ran home (I was in FL [in college] at the time and my family was in CA). The grandfather bit and the sexual harassment were actually just dirty men and the other guys in the warehouse that made comments about my looks thought they were complimenting me. Who knew that not every girl working in a warehouse isn't a slut that wants to hook up with everyone? We had quite a few of those females in our warehouse, and the guys did know that I was different and not like that (they actually looked out for my best interests the majority of the time - now that I look back without the emotion I was feeling at the time), they just didn't know how to talk to someone that wasn't into life just for the sexual gratification (maybe I just didn't know how to take guys that I didn't know - that seems more likely the truth). I realize all that now but back then, I lumped it all into the same category - "these predators are after me" (that about sums up my feelings at that time). 'Bout damn time I figured it all out! :-)

Now that I'm reaching toward 40, I know that I do not need those defense mechanisms in place. I'm not as sheltered now as I was back in my late 20's (and believe me when I say that I was extremely sheltered). [Flashback] I think that was part of my problem back then, too. I had no experience with guys that didn't go to my church or guys that I didn't grow up with. Of course, new people I met outside of that sheltered environment were going to treat me differently than those that were from the same environment, but I wasn't prepared for that and wasn't expecting a difference. I realize that now and that's why I can say the majority of those guys were actually giving me compliments and I just didn't know how to take them. That's one thing about my sheltered life that I wish I could change. I really had no tools to deal with anyone outside of a "Christian" environment (hell, I was there from birth to the age of 27). I didn't know how to interact with others or know how to "read" others at all (I still have a hard time trying to figure out someone's agenda - probably my problem with SUB). So I was completely lost and scared when all this crap went down in the warehouse when I was 28 and 29. I had no experience to draw from in order to help me sort it and figure it all out. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to play with kids that didn't go to my church or church schools because my parents didn't want me exposed to "the ways of the world." What a diservice that was to me! I could have used some of that "worldly wisdom" to draw from in my life to help me cope with the situations I faced outside that sheltered space. It really bothers me now to see parents that shelter their kids as much as my parents sheltered me and my brother. They are NOT helping those kids in the long run. Those kids have to live in the world at some point and will not have mom, dad, church, or pastor around them all the time to keep unwanted elements or experiences away from them. Sadly, G and M are rearing W, A, and B the exact same way we were and sheltering them from everything. I feel sorry for those kids and hope and pray that they have a much better experience with life than I did.

Anyway...back to reality. Now that I've had 10 years to absorb the unsheltered world around me, I know that I do not need to hide myself from the world in order to be safe. I do know that there are creeps and dirty old men out there (I learned that at a young age) but I have now realized that there are more nice guys out there than there are creeps and perverts. That doesn't mean that I will let my guard down around people I barely know. That just means that I will no longer jump to conclusions about someone without knowing them. I will no longer expect every man I see to hurt me. I will always pay attention to my surroundings and if I feel unsafe, I will take the necessary precautions (always); but I no longer have to feel scared and threatened every time I meet someone either.

I want to be healthy at 40. The majority of my life, I was slim and healthy. It's only been the last 10 years that I haven't been. I am really looking forward to 40 and finding the happy, healthy person I used to be. I've got the happy part down (much thanks to H for his love and support through all of this - we met right before the warehouse incident and he has been a huge help to me along this process) and I am now working on the healthy part. :-)

Have a great week. Until later...