Merry Christmas

I hope everyone is having a fabulous Christmas and holiday season no matter what you may celebrate.

Friday was the last day of work for both H and I until the new year. We have spent some time each day with K and K2. They are both gettign so big. I can't believe that K will be 5 in two weeks. K2 is absolutely adorable. She smiles at me all the time with very little effort on my part. I love it! Her smile is so beautiful. I could sit and watch her all day long. We will be going over there early tomorrow morning to see K open his gifts. We bought K2 a BUNCH of cute clothes. I can't wait to see them on her. They are so cute. We also bought her a plush doll that when you pull the string ont he bottom, it plays the lullaby I hum to her that she tries to sing back to me. I can't wait to see the look on her face when it starts to play.

We got K 3 DVDs. That boy has more toys than he even knows what to do with. He doesn't even play with half of them AND he can't go to any store without coming out with a new toy of some kind. We're sure his mom will appreciate the DVDs instead of the toys that they can't seem to teach him to pick up. :-)

We got a card with money in it from my parents. $100 each. H ahs used his for new clothes. I'm also going to use mine on new clothes. I bought a really nice pair of jeans yesterday at Kohl's. They are size 14 and a little tight in the waist (a bit of a muffin top) but they should look GREAT in just a few weeks. I will be going shopping on the 31st with a friend and I hope to get a bunch more clothes at t hat time. I'm hoping H's family gives me cash to help with the purchase of clothes. :-) We got our gifts from G and his family today. H got a gift card to Bests Buy. He's looking forward to spending that. I got a cream sweater. I'm planning on wearing it tomorrow.

I hope you all have a great day with your families tomorrow. Until later...

Crazy Day

I don’t mind my friends missing my birthday or my brother (he’s a guy and I have to remind H about his family's birthdays all the time, so I understand that). It’s my parents that should know better and NEVER forget my birthday. I can’t figure out how a parent can forget their child’s birthday. I mean, it's not like my mom wasn't there or anything. Dad was in Viet Nam, but still.

H and his family have been great to me. They are definitely spectacular people. They’ll never know how much they mean to me. Today was a little better. I turned off my phone because I didn’t want to talk to my folks today. When I turned it back on, I had one voice mail from my dad saying he hoped I had a good day. Yeah...I haven’t called him back and have no idea when I’ll be talking to them again. Sadly, I feel bad that I don’t want to talk to them, but I still can’t really talk/think about it without crying/tearing up.

This year (my 39th) is definitely going to be better than past years. I started it off by letting my parents know exactly how I felt for a change. I don’t know how things will turn out with my family, but I’m definitely going to take better care of myself and stand up for myself this year even if it means that I feel bad for standing up for myself and staying away from them for a bit.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time they have hurt me badly, but it is the first time they have forgotten my birthday. One main time they hurt me was last year when I graduated from college (Aug. 2006). I asked my mom if they were going to throw me a party (because H’s family was talking about it). Mom told me I could throw my own party. Yeah, thanks for your support. When they came down, they told me they would be willing to go in halves for whatever H’s family paid for the party they threw me. A little too little too late.

In 2005, they came down for Christmas but decided to leave 3 days before Christmas. I was pissed and hurt. So I guess they’ve been hurting me pretty badly once a year for the past three years.

There are days that I hate them and I feel guilty for feeling that way. Thanks again to everyone for the birthday wishes. Sorry I dumped all this on you. I just had to get it all out.

Until later...

Finally Emerging

I'm emerging in part due to you and your wonderful comments. Thank you so much! Y'all mean the world to me. It's pretty sad when your "blog family" is nicer to you than your biological family.

Ty's Girl,
Manda, Thanks so much for the offer of teaching them a lesson and busting knee caps. :-) I really needed the laugh and your kind words mean so much. Manda, I'm so sorry you've gone through this as well. It amazes me just how much we have in common.

It's 8PM here and I actually just got off the phone with my parents. I CALLED THEM! I didn't want to be sad the remainder of the night and I've been crying off/on since 4:30 this afternoon. I figured they wouldn't know how much I was hurt if I didn't tell them. Here's part of my conversation:

Dad (when he picked up the phone): Ho! Ho! Ho!
Me: Did you forget something today?
Dad: What?
Me: Did you forget something today?
D: No???
Me: Today's my birthday and not one family member called me (I burst into tears while saying this - I didn't mean to and didn't want to. It just happened)

He apologized profusely and started listing all the things they did today and how he didn't turn on his PDA.
Me: That's no excuse for forgetting my birthday
D: You're right

We talked for a few more minutes. Mostly I cried and he kept apologizing.

3 minutes into our conversation, my brother calls and goes into voicemail. Honestly, when I called, I expected Mom to leave the room and call G to tell him to call me. He left a short message telling me happy birthday and he hoped I had a good day and enjoyed it (he sounded extremely sheepish which is rare for him - yep, he forgot, too). He also said that he and his family were on their way out the door to see Christmas lights and that we'd talk later. I'm fine with this. I know my entire family forgot about me today. Strange, though how I never forget one of their birthdays and they ALL get a call from me on their day.

Dad: your mom just walked back into the room and she wants to talk to you. (yep! Mom called G)

My conversation with mom was pretty much like my convo with dad with a few added parts.

Me: You didn't even think of me today. ON MY BIRTHDAY!
Mom: yes, I did. I even talked to you with (friends of theirs)...In a good way (yes! She qualified that statement).
Me: yet you didn't even think of my birthday.
Mom: well, since I don't work anymore, I never know what day it is.
Me: you haven't worked in years and you've NEVER forgotten my birthday before.
Mom: I know. It's no excuse for not calling
Me: you're right. It's not.
Mom: you know we love you
Me: most days. Today, I had my doubts and I've been crying since 4:30. I've been expecting your phone calls all day and they never came. H dragged me out of the house for dinner because I was so down. I didn't even want to go, but he made me. (H is so good to me)
Mom: we're so sorry (she's in tears at this point)
Me: you know how you'd feel if I forgot YOUR birthday (mom is all about making sure her birthday lasts all weekend and she gets to do EVERYTHING she wants no matter what anyone else wants)
Mom: I know. I'm so sorry

When we hung up the phone, mom was still in tears. That's the first time I've EVER been able to tell them when they've hurt me. It took me 39 years to get to that point. Now that it's all out, I have to admit that I feel so much better.

Is it any wonder I feel more comfortable and loved with H's family than I do my own? By the way, part of the day was REALLY good. The problem was that all day, I expected to receive 2 phone calls that NEVER came. So I was disappointed and hurt all day no matter what good thing happened.

For lunch, we went to the restaurant H's parents own and the sushi chef (who I've only known for 2 months) made me a special birthday sushi roll and decorated the plate (he was working on this as we were walking through the door). Even he was better to me today than my family! Since H's parents were working today, we will be going over there tomorrow. They wanted to take us out to lunch, but they really don't have to. They make me feel special and loved every day and I can't even explain how they do it. I just feel it from them.

Anyway, thanks again for your love and support. You'll never know how good you made me feel or what you mean to me.

Until later...

Happy Birthday...

Please wish Miranda and Alfred's Mom a Happy Birthday. Today is their birthday as well. :-) I hope they are having a great day with their families.

Until later...

Much Struggling Today

Today is my birthday. My parents and brother SUCK! It's 5:20 PM and I have not heard from any of them. And they wonder why I feel as though I'm not loved or that I'm an after thought. Funny how Mom and Dad can BOTH remember to call G on his birthday (11 days ago), but no one can remember to call me. I've had my phone with me all day expecting it to ring and have one of my parents or my brother on the other end. It hasn't happened. I'm extremely hurt and disappointed.

I'm done blogging for the night. I'm hurting way too much to be able to write about this without sounding EXTREMELY bitter and I don't want to be bitter or bitchy and, sadly, that's exactly how I feel right now.

I hope you are all having a much better day than I am. Until later...

I'm a Blog Bitch, Y'all

Yep. It's hard to swallow, but that's the truth and I couldn't be happier.

Ty's Girl over at Nucking Futs categorizes her blogroll in the most creative and hilarious ways (you really should go over there if for no other reason than to see her categories). She is absolutely amazing. She is so creative and hangs it all on the line. She keeps nothing back and is a great photographer. If you want to read something real, take a stroll to Nucking Futs. She will have you in stitches in no time.

Keep H in your thoughts. He has bronchitis and will be home from work ALL week. I wonder if he'll clean my house. HA! Kidding

WWAWP Update - I lost another .8 pounds this week. WooHoo! I've lost a total of 21.8 pounds now. I really do love the Core Plan. I don't feel like I'm on a diet at all. It just feels as though I'm making healthier choices (which I am). I have and haven't been following the program the past two weeks. I have because I AM making healthier choices. I haven't because I'm not writing anything down or paying complete attention to the "extra points" I've been eating even though I haven't gone too far past my 35 weekly points. Grant it...with the Core Program, I technically don't have to write anything down, but it really does help to keep you accountable and realizing exactly what you are putting in your mouth. So, even though I have technically been following the Plan, I don't feel as though I have. Starting tomorrow (the beginning of my week) I will be writing down everything I eat. I'm sure if I write everything down all week, it will make me more aware of what I am eating and I will probably lose more weight.

Next week is the last weigh-in before Christmas. I won't have another weigh-in until January 8. I will be writing down everything I eat from now until then. I really don't want to gain over this holiday season. I lost a little over 2 pounds over Thanksgiving, so there is no reason I can't maintain (or even lose) over Christmas and New Years.

Tomorrow is Hump Day. I wonder if I'll remember during Wednesday so I can post a "happy hump day" post on the actual day. :-)

Until later...

Once Again...

I forgot Happy Hump Day. This time, I’m 2 days late. ARRGGHHH. I don’t think I’ll ever remember on the day I’m supposed to (or really want to for that matter). I really do enjoy a Happy Hump Day post, I just seem to forget that Wednesday exists in the week until it has passed.

So, the things I’m thankful for this past week:

1. Holiday meals that don’t make me gain weight. WooHoo! That’s a HUGE one for me. We had a holiday pot luck at work Monday and I ate things that I would normally eat –sweet potato casserole, dressing, cranberry salad, brownie, and cherry cheesecake. I still LOST 1.4 pounds this week. I couldn’t believe it. I guess because I’ve been eating healthy the majority of the time, eating poorly a few times doesn’t hurt my waist as much. Then again, I was really conscious of the portions I had of each item. I had maybe half a serving spoon each of the casserole, dressing and cranberry salad. I only had half a brownie and two bites (it was an individual cup) of the cherry cheesecake (it didn’t hit the spot, so I didn’t continue eating it).

2. The Weight Watcher’s Core Plan does NOT feel like a diet. When weighing in this week, my leader asked (as always) how it was going. I told her that Core scares me a little because I don’t feel like I am on a diet at all. I feel as though I am just eating healthier and making healthier choices. In all actuality, this is a GREAT way to feel. I am looking at this being a lifestyle change. I do not EVER want to re-gain any of the weight I have lost. There is no reason for me to gain the weight back. I gained the weight as a defense mechanism. Now that I understand that, I have other things in place to deal with those situations IF I ever face them again. If I were on Flex, I could not make that a lifestyle change. I know that I will not be able to forever count point values in the foods I eat, but I know that I can make healthier choices.

3. I am thankful for Weight Watcher Member websites that have Core recipes like Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone and Bootcamp Buddies that have HUNDREDS of Core recipes as well as links in their forums to other websites with Core recipes. There is no reason for anyone to think that “Core” is just grilled lean meat and vegetables. These sites throw that notion right out the window. I have a three-ring binder that has become my Core cookbook and I already have OVER 150 recipes in it.

4. I had a fantastic talk with G on Tuesday. That was his 37th birthday. Yep! My younger brother is 37. He is such a great dad. He is a stay at home dad because M makes 3x’s more money teaching college than he ever could and they know that. If G worked a regular full-time job, M would still have to be out of the house for 4-5 hours a day in a part-time job to help make ends meet. As it is now, she gets home from work before 1:00 EVERY afternoon (sometimes before 12 depending on the day). They have the whole afternoon to spend together as a family. G is there to be a good role model for his boys instead of those families whose dad is at work and only sees the children for 2-3 hours before the kids go to bed (that’s how we grew up – at least their kids will have a relationship with their dad and can say that they know him on a “personal” level). I think it’s great. G and M are a little frustrated because both sets of grandparents (our parents and M’s parents) don’t understand this. They are from the old school where men and women have a certain role to fill in the home and if that role isn’t being filled by the appropriate gender than things aren’t right. It’s amazing that M’s brothers (she has 2)/their wives/H/and I all seem to understand and applaud them for being the parents they are and for having the courage to step out of and think out of the box in order to have a happy family and still have the finances in place to live.

Until Later...

I'm a Posting Fool

Ok...maybe I'm just a fool, but after blogging all those posts last month, I'm now in the habit of posting every day and I feel as though I've forgotten something or I've missed something if I don't post in a day. Strange, I know, but there you go.

My birthday, in general, has never bothered me. Honestly, I'm only one day older than I was the day before. I know this and I say this almost every year, if not to myself then to someone else who's having a rough time around their birthday. When looking at a birthday that way, it really is no big deal. Having said that, though, surprisingly 30 actually hit me pretty hard. It wasn't the actual day itself that hit me hard. It was the whole year realizing I was "going to be 30 this year" had me in tears occasionally from January until December. The day itself was great. It was the anticipation, the remembering yourself as a child saying "30 is old" made the whole year extremely difficult for me. That is the only time that having my birthday at the end of the year and anticipating it all year long was hard for me. I don't think I'll have the same dread this next year as I look forward to 40. Hey, that's a good mantra for me this next year "Looking Forward to 40!" Ha!

There were actually a lot of things going on in my life the year I turned 30. I was sexually harassed at work, I was in the midst of my worst depression ever, it was the first time a doctor has ever diagnosed me with depression, and I started gaining weight that year as a defense mechanism to the sexual harassment. That year was very strange in many ways due to all of those circumstances. It's nice now to look back on it all and realize that I was just going through a hard time that, in all reality, had nothing to do with my turning 30.

While typing the above paragraph, I realized that my defense mechanism (gaining weight in order to hide myself and become invisible to everyone around me) was actually due to a lot more than just the sexual harassment I was facing at work from the guys in the warehouse. Face it...I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather at the age of 4, I had a boyfriend that tried to push sex on me (I didn't do it, but in my mind, he tried to rape me), then the sexual harassment. I really think that I thought I needed to hide becuase there was something about me that kept drawing this type of person to me and it scared the living shit out of me. I had to hide myself from these people somehow and gaining weight was the only way I knew to do it (hell, I had seen it work for my mom almost my entire life - I saw her at her biggest and when she lost the weight as well as how people reacted to her all along the way. It's sad that people you have known for 20 years can treat you differently because you've lost a lot of weight instead of just being your friend when you actually need one). Anyway...I no longer feel that I need to hide and realize that I really over-reacted on the boyfriend issue. He didn't even know about my past and had no clue that I had a problem so that really wasn't his fault. He was just a normal guy and I was a lonely girl looking for love anywhere I could find it. I just happened to get scared when it got to this point and ran home (I was in FL [in college] at the time and my family was in CA). The grandfather bit and the sexual harassment were actually just dirty men and the other guys in the warehouse that made comments about my looks thought they were complimenting me. Who knew that not every girl working in a warehouse isn't a slut that wants to hook up with everyone? We had quite a few of those females in our warehouse, and the guys did know that I was different and not like that (they actually looked out for my best interests the majority of the time - now that I look back without the emotion I was feeling at the time), they just didn't know how to talk to someone that wasn't into life just for the sexual gratification (maybe I just didn't know how to take guys that I didn't know - that seems more likely the truth). I realize all that now but back then, I lumped it all into the same category - "these predators are after me" (that about sums up my feelings at that time). 'Bout damn time I figured it all out! :-)

Now that I'm reaching toward 40, I know that I do not need those defense mechanisms in place. I'm not as sheltered now as I was back in my late 20's (and believe me when I say that I was extremely sheltered). [Flashback] I think that was part of my problem back then, too. I had no experience with guys that didn't go to my church or guys that I didn't grow up with. Of course, new people I met outside of that sheltered environment were going to treat me differently than those that were from the same environment, but I wasn't prepared for that and wasn't expecting a difference. I realize that now and that's why I can say the majority of those guys were actually giving me compliments and I just didn't know how to take them. That's one thing about my sheltered life that I wish I could change. I really had no tools to deal with anyone outside of a "Christian" environment (hell, I was there from birth to the age of 27). I didn't know how to interact with others or know how to "read" others at all (I still have a hard time trying to figure out someone's agenda - probably my problem with SUB). So I was completely lost and scared when all this crap went down in the warehouse when I was 28 and 29. I had no experience to draw from in order to help me sort it and figure it all out. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to play with kids that didn't go to my church or church schools because my parents didn't want me exposed to "the ways of the world." What a diservice that was to me! I could have used some of that "worldly wisdom" to draw from in my life to help me cope with the situations I faced outside that sheltered space. It really bothers me now to see parents that shelter their kids as much as my parents sheltered me and my brother. They are NOT helping those kids in the long run. Those kids have to live in the world at some point and will not have mom, dad, church, or pastor around them all the time to keep unwanted elements or experiences away from them. Sadly, G and M are rearing W, A, and B the exact same way we were and sheltering them from everything. I feel sorry for those kids and hope and pray that they have a much better experience with life than I did.

Anyway...back to reality. Now that I've had 10 years to absorb the unsheltered world around me, I know that I do not need to hide myself from the world in order to be safe. I do know that there are creeps and dirty old men out there (I learned that at a young age) but I have now realized that there are more nice guys out there than there are creeps and perverts. That doesn't mean that I will let my guard down around people I barely know. That just means that I will no longer jump to conclusions about someone without knowing them. I will no longer expect every man I see to hurt me. I will always pay attention to my surroundings and if I feel unsafe, I will take the necessary precautions (always); but I no longer have to feel scared and threatened every time I meet someone either.

I want to be healthy at 40. The majority of my life, I was slim and healthy. It's only been the last 10 years that I haven't been. I am really looking forward to 40 and finding the happy, healthy person I used to be. I've got the happy part down (much thanks to H for his love and support through all of this - we met right before the warehouse incident and he has been a huge help to me along this process) and I am now working on the healthy part. :-)

Have a great week. Until later...

I can't believe it

I can't believe that today is Dec. 1. This year has flown by so quickly. I can't believe that I'll be 39 in just 14 days. Damn I'm getting old. I'm glad you're only as old as you feel because I feel no where near 39. For that matter, I don't look like I'm 39 either (so I'm told). What the hell does 39 look like anyway? :-)

Growing up, I would complain that time crawled and would want time to speed up. My mom used to tell me to enjoy it while it lasted because the older I got, the faster time would fly. Of course, I didn't believe her. I hate when my mom is right.

I also can't believe that NaBloPoMo is over. I'm pretty proud of myself. I had almost 40 posts in the month of November. That is such a record for me. haha

If you get a chance, check out this post by Radioactive Jam. It's about yours truly and a scavenger hunt he had going for NaBloPoMo. I found his blog during NaBloPoMo last year and I have really enjoyed his posts ever since. His creativity and humor amaze me. I'm sure he'll do the same for you.

Until later...