Self-Actualization?

So, before falling asleep last night, I got to thinking and praying (in a fashion). I found that I was praying to my grandparents. I prayed to my grandma first. Let her know that I missed her. Told her that I had lots of questions regarding whether or not she knew what he had done to me. Whether the love she showed me was out of guilt or because she loved me. I told her that I didn't blame her for what happened. It wasn't her fault.

I then found myself praying to my grandfather. I was extremely surprised by what I found myself saying. I told him that I was tired of being angry and was done with hating him. Surprisingly, I found that I was. I know that he lived with guilt his entire life over it. I know that it took a lot of courage for him to ask for my forgiveness and tell me he was sorry. I accept all of that now. I told him that his telling me he never did anything like that to anyone else made me wonder what was wrong with me. Then it made me wonder if he chose me because I was accessible. I understood it all.

Amazingly, I found that it no longer mattered. None of it. It doesn't matter that I always questioned my place in my family. It doesn't matter that my religious beliefs do not mirror those of my parents. Thinking back, I realize that my beliefs probably resemble those of my grandmother. I just didn't realize it until it was too late to ask her anything about it. That's okay. It no longer matters either.

It was like I had an epiphany. None of it matters. What matters is that I am the person I am today. I am this person because of the things that happened in my past. I was actually able to thank my grandfather - not for what happened, but - for the reaction I had to the experience. I was thankful that I do not have that memory. I think if I were to have that memory, I would have handled things differently. Which means that I would be a different person today. I'm thankful that the experience opened my eyes and made me question everything. That is probably the most important event of my life. It opened my eyes and kept me from blindly following any and everyone. That is what I was thankful for.

I am who I am because of the things in my past and how I handled each of those situations. Change one of those things or one reaction and I would be a different person today. Which means I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be this person that has her own beliefs and knows exactly what those beliefs are and doesn't have to put a label on those beliefs, but simply believes.

Knowing that none of it matters - nothing but life itself - finding what is important in my life - finding exactly what it is I believe (without having to put a label on it) - is that self-actualization? Is that what I've really been searching for all these years? Have I finally found it? Whatever it is, I was able, after all that thinking and praying, to fall asleep without crying my heart out. I didn't shed a tear. I'm finally done with it - with all of it. I feel free.