My thoughts EXACTLY

Thanks to Contemplator for putting into words what I have been feeling for years but unable to articulate. On her site, Dante's Virgil, she wrote today that "In a way, we're like a band of gypsies. Once we're tossed out, we're never really at home anywhere. We float sometimes from theory to philosophy, looking for a system to put into place. Some of us live in anarchy; we stay in that black hole of being divorced from every known standard you grew up with." With this, she's talking of her own religious issues and past, but they put into words so nicely what I have been unknowingly feeling for years about my own religious past even though my past doesn't mirror her own.

No matter how I think or feel now, I constantly have a small voice inside me which reminds me of the training instilled in me and causes me to question myself on an almost daily basis. I have been searching for a system to put into place - whether religion or philosophy in any form. There are some that appeal to me, but why do I need any one system to put into place? I have actually been making my own, of sorts, by piecing together the things I agree with of all the religions and philosophies. Just call me a cleptomaniac. That's fine by me. :-) I can't imagine following a religion, philosophy, or train of thought without believing in all parts of it; but I have no trouble taking what I agree with of the many and putting them together to form my own.

Isn't that what we all need to do? Find out what it is we really believe. There's no need for it to have a label of any kind attached to it. We just need to follow our hearts and our beliefs whatever they may be.

Ok...on to other pressing issues...
I think the reason I have been exhausted for the past 2 months is because I have mono. I have a dr. appointment tomorrow, so we will know for sure. I have all the symptoms and didn't realize that much time has gone by where I have been so tired. Time is just flying by.

In regards to my workplace, I have decided to use this weakness (whatever it turns out to be) into my excuse to leave the company I work for. There is a lady that is pregnant in the office and I don't want to give her whatever this is. I just don't know how to tell them that I don't like some of their practices and comments regarding certain issues - most of which are religious based. Is that really a reason to leave a job? I just don't feel comfortable there and this is the best time to leave - before they can't live without me. :-) I've only been there about 3 weeks, so I'm still in my trial period anyway.

Anyhow, if this turns out to be mono, I'm going to need to take time to do nothing but rest so I can get over it. I don't want them to leave my position open when they really need someone to accomplish the job and I'm not guaranteed to get over this anytime soon. An excuse, maybe; but it gets me out of an uncomfortable situation (for me) without leaving a bad taste in anyone's mouth and I don't come across looking...I don't know how it would make me look to tell them that I am just uncomfortable because of the religion thing. They shouldn't have to change who and what they are to please me. Heck, they've been there forever, they all feel the same way, the majority of them are related to the owner in some way, and I wouldn't want them to try and change who I am or what I believe, so I can't ask them to do something I wouldn't be willing or feel comfortable doing myself. You know, I feel a weight lifted regarding this decision and my husband supports it and me. It's amazing how one feels when you finally admit the truth to yourself and the person whose acceptance you value above all others and fear the most of not having - and then to learn that they're okay with your decision it's just so liberating and makes you fall in love with that person even more.

My stupid insecurities never cease to freak me out and catch me off guard. Oh well...the rest will have to remain for another day.