Beginning of a new Phase

Ok...College is officially over. Now what? I've been out of college for the past 2 weeks and haven't really accomplished much. I have put my resume out to 3 companies, but I don't think they got them because I emailed them through CareerBuilders and got a failed notification from my email service, but a congratulations from CareerBuilders. I need to check into that. I can't imagine that I haven't even received a phone call from one of the companies when I have all of the qualifications they are looking for.

Anyway...I have been taking these two weeks and using them to destress from everything going on in school. I am finding out just WHO I AM. I realized that I have felt "lost" for a very long time. Like what I am doing is not me or not what I am supposed to be doing. I have done everything in my power to live up to the expectations I think others have of me (notice I did not say "others expectations of me" - I'm already improving). I have finally realized that living up to those "expectations" is not who I am.

I have realized the following things about myself:

1. My home does not have to be perfectly clean - who am I kidding...it's extremely cluttered, not dirty, just cluttered.
2. Cleaning my house is not my #1 priority
3. Spending time with my husband, nephew, and dog ARE my #1 priority even if it's just watching TV or playing WoW online
4. I enjoy the way I feel when I have a job. I feel confident, funny, and more secure in myself and I enjoy spending time with people.
5. I love watching TV and reading books of any genre
6. I love movies (also of all genres)
7. Somewhere along the way, I lost my self-confidence and sense of self-worth (I'm going to work on bringing those back, as I like who I am with those aspects/traits in my life). I'm thinking I lost those with the sexual harrassment I encountered in the workplace a few years ago (I was very confident before that episode and somehow started hiding who I really am in the guise of self-preservation).
8. I am an adult and do not have to live my life by anyone else's rules (including, but not limited to, those of my parents)
9. Faith is important to me, but it does not have to be that of an organized religion. I just need to find what works for me outside those strict boundaries.
10. I want to find the meaning for my life. I know there is a reason every person is put on this planet. I just need to find out what it is I'm supposed to do.
11. I do not need to hinge my life or self-confidence on the love, support, and/or acceptance of my parents or brother.

So...from all the items listed above, it looks as though I have some (okay, a lot of) work to do on myself. I have started this work, especially in the area of self-confidence, self-worth, and finding the meaning of my life by picking up Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters". I picked up this book a few years ago, but never got very far. I guess I just wasn't ready for that book...to make the changes in my life or give myself the benefit of the doubt that I could make those changes. I just wasn't ready. Now! I am ready. I think I have finally realized that I am WORTH the changes that I need to make. Changes in my thinking, changes in my weight, changes in my perceptions, changes in my acceptance of myself.

yep...that's a lot of work I need to get busy doing.

It's kind of scary to know that anyone reading this blog can find out (or figure out) just about everything there is to know about me. I just have to remind myself that putting all of this stuff out on the net is the reason I started this blog. I wanted to help other people going through the same challenges. I always felt (and sometimes still feel) as though I was going through all of this on my own. I felt that no one understood or can understand what it is I'm going through. With my putting all this stuff on the net, hopefully it will help others to know that they are not alone and are not the only people struggling with these issues. I have LOTS of issues, so you are NOT alone. :-) I'll update later on my progress.

By the way, I have been getting back into Curves. I've already gone twice this week, so today is my third day and I will be going right after Days of our Lives (the only soap I watch - so sue me, I have a TV show vice).