Major Depressive Episode

You are all sooo sweet for caring. Thanks for your hugs. They mean so much. What you are about to read has absolutely NOTHING to do with the trip we are no longer taking to Ireland (just thought I’d clear that up at the beginning). That's partly my fault for not letting H know what I really wanted and talked with him about what he was worried about before cancelling the whole thing. This in no way, shape, or form is H’s fault.

So, the past few weeks, I’ve been MIA. I haven’t written anything! I haven’t even been keeping track of my food intake which is HUGE for me. I’ve been tracking my food for almost a year. I haven’t for the past few weeks. I also haven’t been reading very many blogs (sorry I’ve been behind on yours). Occasionally, I will stop by a blog and catch up on what I’ve been missing. I think I’m actually pretty up to date on everyone by now. That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment for me right now.

I was in such a bad funk that I wasn’t even able to go to work Monday or yesterday. That’s HUGE for me. I’ve been really good in this job at missing only when I’m sick or using vacation days. The job itself does not stress me out and I’ve never dreaded going to work in the mornings while in this job. I definitely think I’m in the right place for me right now in that regards.

Anyway, this weekend went pretty well until Sunday afternoon. Sunday afternoon, I started having really bad stomach pains (lately this has only happened after eating greasy foods, but that wasn’t the case Sunday). By Sunday evening, I was extremely “off” (as I call it – I have no other way to explain it. I’m just off – way off this time. I think it's part of my chemical imbalance, but sometimes, even my meds don't help).

I was so far “off” on Sunday that H left me. Not in an “I’ll never come back” way – which I didn’t realize at the time; but in an “I really need to get out of here for a few minutes before I blow” way. He just left. In all honesty, I deserved it. I blew – as in my stack – really hugely over something extremely inane and inconsequential. I couldn’t even tell you right now what it was. Sadly, I bet H could tell you what it was. I thought he was just sitting in his truck in the driveway. When I went to look, his truck was no longer parked in the driveway. I know I hurt him tremendously and I couldn’t feel more sorry about that. I would never intentionally hurt H. He’s my rock. He’s the one person, besides my grandma, that I’ve ALWAYS been able to depend on. He’s the one person I’ve always been comfortable showing my true self to.

Long story short, after seeing that he wasn't in the driveway, I called him. He went to put gas in his truck and drive around for a bit to cool off instead of saying something that might hurt me. While he was gone, I was completely in a fog. I lay on our bed with my eyes staring at the ceiling. I wasn’t crying (although I wanted to), I wasn’t thinking. I was completely a blank. When he got home, he laid in bed next to me. I was actually on his side of the bed (for some reason, I always choose his side of the bed when I need to think or just get away) so he was on my side. I stayed there for a few minutes then went into the backyard to lie in the hammock. I needed some air. I still wasn’t thinking straight and I wasn’t crying or anything. Just a blank.

I was in the hammock for quite some time before the back door opened. H let the dog out because he was barking to come to me (H told me this and I told him that I heard him barking). I didn’t want or need the dog making a bunch of noise while I was in this state. I guess it might have been a good thing, because it wasn’t long after the dog was out when I started to feel again. Almost an hour had passed between the time I came outside and the time I started feeling. The one thing that kept going over and over in my mind was that he left me. That has always been a huge fear for me (ever since he left me stranded at an apartment we were moving out of before we even got married - due again to another of my explosions, I'm sure). That was the only other time he’s ever done something like that, but it definitely left a lasting impression on me. An impression I have been scared to death of ever since. I started to bawl like a baby at this point and I found myself in the fetal position. I don’t remember ever being in this position before, but I really found the comfort it gives. It’s like wrapping your arms completely around yourself and giving yourself a huge body hug without actually doing it. I realized that I had a LOT to lose if H were to ever leave me. He is my stability. Without him, I wouldn’t have access to K or K2 and to me, those are my children. I couldn’t afford to live on my own with what I make. I took a lower paying job in order to get out from the stress of the workplace. I would be in BIG trouble financially without him. All of this was running through my mind.

He finally came out, gathered me in his arms, and carried me back into the house as I’m blubbering away. I’m crying so hard at this point that I don’t think he could even make out what I was saying. He carried me to bed and we talked for a couple of hours trying to get to the bottom of everything. He apologized for leaving me. I told him everything I wrote above and I think he was a bit shocked that my brain went to all those places. That shows just how “off” I really was at that point.

From Sunday night until Monday night, I came to a lot of conclusions about myself and my problems. Here’s the abbreviated version:

1. I have anger and rage problems. They come out toward H, but he does not evoke those feelings from me. When I snap, I am never actually upset at him or angry with him in any way. I’m usually a little frustrated but that’s as far as it goes, but for some reason, I blow and I have no way to stop it or even realize that I’m coming to this point. It just happens. It makes absolutely no sense to me and I can’t even tell you what sets me off. I have no idea. Sadly, this also means I have no way to know when it’s coming so I can make myself shut up or go away until it passes.

2. I have abandonment issues. I took time during lunch today to list the reasons why I think I have my anger/rage and abandonment issues. Here’s the list:

a. I was sexually abused as a child

b. I was emotionally/mentally abused (bruised) as a child

c. I never felt loved by my family (except my grandmother)

d. I don’t trust my parents to protect me (they didn’t know about grandpa and mom almost watched me drown when I was in junior high – she told the lifeguard I was okay when I was anything BUT okay – I forgot that all I had to do was stand up. I was THAT freaked out and still do not know how to swim. I’m scared to death of the water and freak out when water gets in my ears while in the shower or getting my hair done. It’s THAT bad)

e. I feel that my parents expect too much from me. Definitely more than they expect from G (more behaved, better grades, etc.)

f. They’ve actually taken things from me and given them to G when he lost his own (Mickey Mouse watch, school rain jacket, baseball mitt, etc.). Grant it, these were small things, but they showed me at a young age that G was more important than I was.

g. They still give to G even though he’s 38 and a father of 3. They give him money (still), were going to pay completely for his college education (which he turned down). Somehow, they never thought to offer the same things to me. They couldn’t even throw me a graduation party when I did graduate from college (first person from my immediate family).

h. They couldn’t be bothered to remember my birthday last year.

i. They couldn’t be bothered to actually spend Christmas with me when they came down specifically for that purpose. Their excuse was that we were going to spend a few hours with K to watch him open gifts and they didn’t want to come with us. They have met H’s parents, but they don’t seem to want to spend any time with them.

No wonder I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. I never have. I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. I never have. As a matter of fact, I have always self-sabotaged myself whenever anything starts going too well for me or I’ve been happy for too long a period.

No wonder I’m so screwed up. Is it any wonder? How the hell have I been able to function this well for so long? What is it people see in me that makes them want to protect me? This has happened all my life (not from my family, but others I work with or have spent any length of time around). I wish I saw myself the way they see me or at least knew what it was they saw so I could look for it myself.

Now that I have been able to put all my frustrations and sadness into words, now that I finally know WHY I’ve been feeling the way I have for so long, maybe I can now put it all to rest and actually move on with my life. Is it safe to say that I have finally come to the end of this chapter? Can I finally close this book and start anew? Now that I know all this, will I see the signs when I start to slip into old habits that lead to nothing but pain and heartache for me as well as those around me? God! I hope so. I’m afraid to hope, though. I’m afraid that my hopes will be dashed yet again. It never fails that when I get my hopes up something inevitably happens that make them all come crashing down around me. I guess time will tell.

I did find out through my work’s EAP (employee assistance program) that I can have 6 free sessions with a therapist. I wonder, since I know what the root of my problem is, if 6 sessions will be enough for me to learn how to overcome all of this and move on without causing more devastation to those I love (meaning H – I’m coming closer and closer to not caring how my parents feel about all of this). They don’t even realize I HAVE a problem let alone know they’re the cause.

I’m choosing who is included in my “family” starting today! H, K, K2, H’s parents, my grandma (the only one currently living), my grandpa (also currently living – NOT the one that caused all my problems as a child – the other one), Scott and Donna (former neighbors who we don’t see nearly enough now), G’s children (W, A, B – my problems with their father is not their fault and I may never be as close to them as I am with K and K2, but I still love them and want to be there for them if they ever need me), and my blogosphere family (that’s you, in case you’re wondering). So far, that’s all I have; but that’s enough. It has to be. It’s all I have.

By the way...Happy Hump Day, Y'all!!! Until later…
k