Well...I've been doing a lot of soul-searching this week. I think because graduation is so close, things are really hitting me. I know I have issues...I've been working through things for quite a while now. I guess I had a LOT of issues and I am now coming to the end of my list of issues.
Anyway....first main issue is the fact that I have always been "afraid to succeed". Whenever it seems I am coming close to reaching a goal, I somehow find a way to sabotage myself. I am 4 weeks away from graduating from college...a 20 year goal almost complete. This is the first thing I have actually completed without quitting (obviously, since it has taken me 20 years, I have quit in the past - but not this time). I realized Monday that it isn't success I am afraid of - it is failure. I'm afraid to finish anything (see it to the end) because of the potential I have to fail at it (which statistically is the same as I have for succeeding in it).
I realized that the reason I am afraid to fail is because I am afraid to let everyone down. I always felt (and still feel) that everyone has high expectations of me and if I were to fail, I would be letting all of them down. In all actuality, no one else is putting expectations on me...it is the expectations I perceive everyone to have of me and the expectations I am putting on myself. I guess that means that I ask way too much from myself and need to let up on myself and realize that I don't have to hold myself to such a high standard.
Second.....I finally realized that I get disappointed each time I talk to my mom because I am expecting her to be someone she is not. I look for her to be supporting of me and when she isn't (which is all the time), I get disappointed and hurt. I finally came to the conclusion that she is doing her best. She is just not giving me what I need and will never be able to do that for me. That's fine. I just need to remember to not expect it out of her - this will help me to keep from being hurt and disappointed all the time. I realize she loves me in her own way whether I "feel" it or not. I just need to accept her for the person she is just as I want her to accept me for the person I am. Just because I do not "feel" that she is accepting of me doesn't mean that she isn't (in her own way).
So...those are the conclusions I have come to this week and the issues I have been working through.
I have also been watching what I eat for the past two weeks. I would like to lose some weight before graduation. I have been working out for the past two weeks - 3 times a week for 30 minutes each day. Bob and I have decided that we are not going to be eating out at all for the next 5 weeks (starting this week). We've done very well this week. We have not eaten out once (for any meal), which is pretty close to a miracle for us. :-)
Well...that's life in a nut shell right now fo rme. I hope if anyone else is having these same issues, that my blogging will help you realize you are not alone. That is one thing I struggle with - feeling that no one else knows what I am going through. Please know that these issues are normal for quite a few people and you are NOT alone. Sorry I got so wordy...after looking through all of this, it seems kind of jumbled, but you know what I mean.
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2 comments:
Great, great job! I remember how hard it was for me to finish college. That's fantastic news that you're so close!
I am also afraid to fail. I feel like everything rides on my shoulders, and if I fail, everything falls. The dark side of that (darker side??) is that fear of failing keeps me from fully plunging in to the things I want to do. Because I'm afraid I'll screw it up. So I totally sympathize.
Crazy how things work, huh? I find that I also don't plunge into the things I want for fear of not achieving what I would like. It's nuts. Gotta get past the fear and press on anyway.
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