This is probably the issue that has sparked all my other issues in life. I hesitate to write about it, but writing about my issues is the reason I started this blog in the first place. To help others that are going through the same issues...so you'll know that you are not the only one out there with these issues. Now that I come face to face with the main problem, I fear putting my issues on the web for all to see (because this includes people that know me) and I fear your judgement. I do realize that putting this on the web could also lead to your support, so please don't judge.
Anyway, I got into a fight with my husband this weekend. We hardly ever fight. The only time we fight is when I'm on the verge of a breakthrough regarding an issue I'm struggling with. This was a BIG fight to match the BIG issue. I didn't mean what I was saying and didn't know how to let him know that I was trying to get my feelings out and couldn't find a way to say how I really felt or what I was going through. It truly wasn't him, it was me.
I realized that my issue is that I do not think (or feel) that I deserve to be loved. I think this is why I never felt loved by my family. I questioned their love for me because I couldn't face the real issue - did I deserve that love?
I have ALWAYS felt that I didn't deserve to be loved....you see, I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather when I was 5 years old. Deep down, I always wondered...Did I deserve what he did to me? Did he see something in me that needed to be squashed before it got out of hand? If my grandfather could betray me this way, didn't that mean that I wasn't worth loving? He was family..he was supposed to protect me, not harm me. If he could do that to me, doesn't that mean that I probably deserved it somehow? If I deserved what he did, doesn't that mean I don't deserve to be loved by the rest of my family (or anyone for that matter)?
What's worse? He sidelined me when I was in my 20's and apologized. He took me completely by surprise. He asked me to forgive him. I was sooo into church and organized religion at that time that, out of habit, I told him I forgave him. I question that decision all the time. He told me that he never did that to anyone else - was that supposed to make me feel better? That made me feel worse. I questioned my worth even more after that. "WHY ME?" I was so stunned, I didn't ask him. Hell - this happened the weekend of my brother's wedding. I was totally sideswiped by his apology. Obviously he was feeling guilty. He died a few years ago, and I never got the chance or had the courage to ask him why he did this to me. Then I wondered did my grandmother know? Was that the reason she was nice to me? Was she nice to me out of guilt over what her husband did or did she really love me? So many questions...so much confusion...and I was all alone. At this point no one knew. I couldn't tell them.
There was a lot on my mind the weekend he apologized...I was struggling through a VERY bad marriage and thinking about divorcing my husband. I was afraid to tell my family about my thoughts of divorce because of their beliefs on it and fear that they wouldn't support me AND they didn't know what was going on in the marriage (we were married for 5 1/2 years and NEVER consumated the marriage - talk about messing with your self-esteem and self-worth). I stayed married because I took my vows "until death do you part" seriously. I was also afraid to go against the teachings I grew up with regarding divorce. With my grandfather issues, I also figured this marriage is what I deserved. I finally had to come to the conclusion that this wasn't a real marriage (we were more like roommates because he made sure he always took night jobs) and that I deserved to be happy. Even though we didn't have a real marriage and he left in July, because of my wedding vows, I didn't date until after the divorce was final the end of August....Anyway, back to the grandfather issues...
That was June 1996. I was 28...
so I'd been through a lot by myself and had all those years of wondering if I was worth it. I battled depression and had thoughts of suicide (thankfully, I never acted on those thoughts - I was always afraid that I wouldn't be found in time - because deep down, I wanted to live). I even called a suicide hotline when I was 19 or 20 - it was BUSY. How can a suicide hotline number be busy? They should have had a multiple line phone system - can you imagine how I felt at that moment? I wasn't worth the hotline number to ring...maybe I didn't deserve to live. yada yada yada. I went through the whole range of emotion on that day.
Needless to say, this weekend...I cried. HARD!! For about 20 minutes. Now you know my secret. Not many people know this about me and those that do have only found out within the past 6-7 years. Which means I have been living with this secret for 30 years on my own with no help or support from anyone. I've been alone. You know...no wonder I'm screwed up emotionally and battled depression. I've lived with this big bad secret that has messed up my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy. I've hidden away and not let anyone know for fear of their rejection. Fear that they would agree that I don't deserve to be loved.
My husband (current husband, best husband, now considered ONLY husband) is one of the first people I told about this, so he has known this whole time, but it isn't something people talk about freely in the open. He has been completely supportive. Needless to say, he has put up with a lot from me because of my issues over the years. BUT, he insisted that I do deserve to be loved and (I'm embarassed to say this) he said I have one of the biggest hearts and am one of the sweetest people he knows. I thought that was sweet. I still can't belive he feels that way about me. If he loves me that much and sees all that good in me, doesn't that mean that I DO deserve to be loved? That there is good in me? That my grandfather wasn't trying to squash something evil in me? I refuse to belive he succeeded in squashing evil!
Hearing about this stuff in the news and on TV, you always hear that it is never the victim's fault - but as a victim, let me tell you, it's hard to believe that it's NOT your fault. It doesn't matter how many times you hear that it isn't your fault or there was nothing you could do to stop it (especially being a child), deep down, you always wonder. And since you hear your inner voice much more frequently than you hear anything else, you believe your inner voice because the other voices aren't louder than your own. I've even heard that you should look at a picture of yourself around the age you were when you were abused to help you realize that there was nothing you could do...that helps a little, but not enough to make you change your mind. At least, that's what it did for me.
Those are my biggest issues...hopefully, those are my last issues.
I hope this post helps someone. You are not alone. I am not alone.
