I Struggle and Emerge

New Blog

2008-09-04T17:49:00.003-05:00

I couldn't get this blog to work right after trying for a few weeks. I finally got too frustrated to continue trying. I have started a new blog. It is also named I Struggle and Emerge but it has a different web address which you can find HERE.

I don't want to lose any of my readers, so please change your link to my new website. It is up and running and will soon have my blogroll in the sidebar.

I look forward to seeing you at my new location. Until later...

Blogger Problems

2008-09-04T16:24:00.003-05:00

For some reason, I am currently having major problems with Blogger. I am unable to move any items around my page. I also cannot seem to add back my blogroll.

I deleted my blogroll because I was going to put it in a different format. Now I cannot get it back on my page. AT ALL! I'm so frustrated.

Right now, I can't even change the colors on my page or change anything except the template. How frustrating! I'm hoping this will be rectified soon. I don't know how to change it. Please be patient with my blog while I try to rectify these problems. I'd hate to have to start all over again in order to get everything back on my page the way it should be. It may come down to that, though.

I have saved all the links on my blogroll as well as added a few more. I will get those up soon or I will make a new blog. Again, please be patient. I'm trying!

Until later...

POST # 444

2008-08-27T19:11:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe that I have now posted 444 times. Dude, that's a LOT!

Thanks so much to all of you for your support and kind words after my last post. You all mean the world to me. By the way...did you notice the "Nice Matters" award on my sidebar? I was given that by In the Gutter. Wasn't that sweet of her? I haven't received an award before and I was extremely touched. Thank-you!

In other news, I received a fantastic phone call from my nephew, W. He called to thank us for sending him a gift card for his birthday. That was so sweet! I LOVED talking to him. He's now 9. I can't believe it. He's getting so big. He's definitely not a little boy anymore.

I will be away from the computer from tomorrow morning until late Sunday night. We will be going to Chicago. We will be seeing the Blue Man Group Friday night and Wicked Saturday afternoon. We are extremely excited about both events. We will get into Chicago early tomorrow afternoon and will not leave until early afternoon on Sunday. I can't wait. I'm not even packed yet. Sad, I know. Usually, I'm already done; but I've been so busy these past few weeks that it doesn't even seem possible that our trip starts tomorrow. I worked this past Saturday from 8 a.m. until 1:45 p.m. then again from 5:15 p.m. until 11:15 p.m. It was one LOOOONG day and I'm so glad it's over.

I have now finished reading the Tori Spelling book, and the Alison Sweeney book. I'm currently in the middle of Valerie Bertinelli's book. Very interesting read. This will be the first vacation in about 6 years that we won't be taking computers with us. I am also not taking any books with me which will also be a first. We are just going to enjoy ourselves and chill for a bit. We both need that after this past month.

I guess I really need to get busy packing. I hope y'all have a great remainder of the week, fantastic weekend, and amazing Labor Day holiday.

By the way, as you can see, I'm in the process of updating and changing around my blog design. Please be patient, I'm not done yet. :-) I've also decided that I am no longer going to be adding labels to the bottom of my posts. I've realized that I don't really go back to look at my old posts. Maybe I need to. Do y'all use my labels to get to an earlier post? Let me know and I may have to bring it back. Thanks!

Until later...

It's Been a While

2008-08-13T19:42:00.010-05:00

Okay, time has just slipped by unnoticed. I guess I just needed to take some time, chill, take stock, and realize what's most important to me. I've been keeping myself busy reading and recently watching the Olympics.

I've come to realize the following things:
1) Reading is definitely the one thing that keeps me sane and relaxed no matter what's going on.
2) I've learned all I can from the family I was born to and it's time for me to move on and stop living to meet their expectations and demands. I need to live up to my own. I know I've said this before, but it seems that I mean it now and I'm ready to actually live up to this.
3) The family I've chosen is becoming MUCH more important to me than the family I was born to. AND I seem more important to them than to the family I was born to.
4) My grandma will ALWAYS be my rock. She always has been. Growing up, she was the ONE person I knew loved me unconditionally. She was always there for me. She was always on my side.
5) I've realized that both of my parents are extremely selfish. They don't care about anyone but themselves. They're under the impression that everyone else needs to bend over backwards to meet their needs and fit into their schedule.
6) It's NOT up to me to keep my family together or close. I'm the child in this scenario. It's the parent's job to make sure everything runs smoothly and stays close or at least help keep it all together. Not mine! It's way too much in this family for me to do alone.
7) I'm done!

I've been hurt enough and I don't have to put up with it. The saddest part is that I'm still hurt by all of it. So much so that I could rattle off the things they've done to hurt me or show me that I'm not as important to them as G. That's sad and PATHETIC! I really need to figure out how to let it all go.

I've decided that I'm not going to be the one that is ALWAYS calling. I'm going to back off and let them call. See how long it takes them to call me. I started this last Friday. Mom called Sunday saying that she missed talking to me every day. That's right. I called her every day. What's worse, I called her more than once each day.

This past weekend also proved to me that Mom can have a good birthday without me having to be there. We were going to go up there, but with everything going on; with the way she's treating Grandma (which is the way she treats me), I decided that I was going to take care of me and do what was best for me - which was to stay home and not give in to my mom's selfish ways and demands.

I told her on Friday that I was no longer going to be calling her while I'm driving. That was usually when I would call and talk to her. Always! She doesn't like it when I talk to her on the phone while I'm driving, so it gave me the perfect reason to stop calling all the time. I also told her Friday that I took her phone number out of my speed dial so I wouldn't call automatically when I get behind the wheel. That's always what I did. It was just automatic. When we talked on Sunday, she said she had a really good birthday.

That's the last time I talked to her.

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I've decided to do a 100 push-up challenge. It's a six-week program that will have you doing 100 push-ups by the end of the program. If you'd like to know about the 100 push-up challenge I've started, check out my other blog here

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I've been doing a LOT of reading lately. I'm actually in the middle of 4 books right now and I just finished one yesterday.

I'm currently reading the following:
The Meditteranean Diet - This is all about the science behind eating like the Meditteranean countries. Very interesting and eye opening. I really need to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet.
sTORI TELLING - This book is amazing. I'm really surprised at all the things that have been said in the tabloids and actually finding out the truth behind them. I have to say, though, that the problems I have with my mom are not quite as bad as those Tori has wtih hers. In some regards, they are extremely close, thought. My family, like Tori's, is all about the non-confrontation and not talking about our feelings or anything else of importance.
Labyrinth - I'm about halfway through this book. Incredibly interesting. It goes back and forth between the present and the past. I haven't figured it all out yet, but the girl's name in the past is Alayce while the girl in the present is named Alice. Alice has dreams about Alayce. In these dreams, it's as though she is Alayce. Very good read. Three Secrets, Two Women, One Grail. I'm looking forward to getting back into this book.
The Historian - this book is written in the first person. It really draws you in. It's about a girl who is on a quest, reaching through the past five centuries, for the historical Vlad the Impaler. Very interesting read.

I've really been sucked into autobiographies of stars lately.

I've just finished All the Days of My Life (So Far) - if you like Days of Our Lives or if you just wonder what the life of a soap star is like, this is a great book. I read it in 3 days.

I've also started Terri Hatcher's book. I actually started this a while ago, put it down, got involved in school and work, and haven't picked it back up again. I really need to rectify that. The book was very interesting up to the point that I put it down.

I'll probably finish the Terri Hatcher book before the rest on the list above. After the Tori Spelling book that I'm reading right now. She's really got me hooked. That's what I get for listening to a co-worker that her show is great and shows her as a "real" person. She was right. I've watched all the damn episodes since then and now can't put down her book.

I also have Wynonna Judd's book. I'll proably read this one after I finish Terri Hatcher's. I've really been wanting to read them. I really haven't been in the mood to read romance novels lately. I guess I've just read so many of them, that I needed a break. I also like to learn new things and felt I have been stifling myself by sticking to just one genre of reading especially when I really like to read about a LOT of different subjects.

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Oh, I almost forgot. I bought a digital camera online. I LOVE it! It's a Casio EXILIM . I love this camera. Wait, I already said that. I wanted a cameral small enough to fit in my purse or pocket. It seems that whenever I found something I wanted to take a picture of, I didn't have my camera with me. Our other camera is bigger, bulkier, and heavier. This camera is perfect for me and for what I want to do with it. I've been taking pictures like crazy! I've deleted about half of them, but that's okay, too. I've gotten some REALLY good shots (for me).

I need to figure out how to download them and post them to my blog so you can see them. I think I've been visiting TysGirl's blog too long. She got me thinking that I should take pictures of what I love. Mine are no where near the quality of hers (and no, I'm not just being modest). My camera can't even do half the things hers can do. Actually, I don't know what it can do. I read the booklet, but only half of it even made sense to me. I don't need to take gorgeous shots. As long as they mean something to me. That's all that really matters.

I hope y'all are doing great! Have a great remainder of the week. Happy Hump Day!!! Until later...
k

50 Things About Me...

2008-08-01T17:53:00.004-05:00

I found this meme on Amanda's blog (I Know, Right? - listed on the right hand sidebar).

1. Do you like blue cheese? yes

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? nope

3. Do you own a gun? Nope

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I switch between cherry, vanilla, and chocolate

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? It depends on the doctor I’m going to see.

6. Do you like hot-dogs? Yep. I crave them every once in a while

7. Favorite Christmas Song? It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Iced Coffee

9. Can you do push-ups? Not very many

10. What’s your favorite meal? Bellacino’s nachos

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My grandmother’s diamond solitaire and the ruby/diamond ring H gave me as my engagement ring

12. Favorite hobby? Reading

13. Do you work with people who idolize you? Doubtful

14. Name a trait that you hate about yourself: I’m lazy

15. Name a trait that you like about yourself: I’m trusting

16. Middle name? Lynn

17. Name 3 thoughts at this moment: I should have gotten my allergy shots this week. I have a headache. Can’t wait to catch up on my TV watching.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: Drano, blue blouse, Breathe Rights

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Coke Zero, Diet Dr. Pepper, Iced Coffee

20. Current worry right now? Whether I can or should cut my parents out of my life.

21. Current hate right now? The way my parents are treating my grandmother (goes with #20)

22. Favorite place to be? With my family (the one I’ve chosen not necessarily the one I was born into)

23. How did you bring in New Years? Watched movies

24. Favorite place to go? Ocean

25. Name three people who will complete this? No clue.

26. Whose answer do you want to read the most? Anyone who will do this

27. What color shirt are you wearing? Navy

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope, too slippery

29. Can you whistle? Yes

30. Favorite color(s)? red, pink, purple (to wear: black, blue, brown)

31. Would you be a pirate? Definitely you lily livered land lover

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t sing in the shower

33. Favorite girl’s name? Cassidy Lynnette

34. Favorite boy’s name? Kyle Chandler

35. What’s in your pocket right now? lint

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Last Comic Standing (watched last night)

37. Bed sheets as a child? Yes, but it was so long ago I don’t remember what kind. I do remember having a canopy bed and Holly Hobbie bedding

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Got my index finger crushed in a car door

39. Do you love where you live? I love the town, but I wouldn’t be upset with a slightly bigger house.

40. How many tv’s are in your house? Two but only one is plugged in

41. Who is your loudest friend? Jeremy (Yahkin)

42. How many dogs do you have? 1 Bichon Frise

43. Does someone have a crush on you? Not that I’m aware of

45. What is your favorite book? The Harry Potter series (I think I’ve read each of them 5 times already)

46. What is your favorite candy? Dark chocolate and Butterfingers

47. What is your favorite sports team? Nashville Predators; Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Amazing Grace on bagpipes

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Trying to fall asleep and wondering when I would finally sleep

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? I don’t want to get up yet

If you decide to complete this meme, please let me know. I would LOVE to read your answers.

Until later...
k

One More Strike and You're OUT!!!

2008-08-01T15:32:00.003-05:00

Yes, I said it. One more strike and you're out! In case you had no clue, I'm talking about my mom here. Since I am at work, I really can't go into the latest atrocity; but know that I will sometime between now and Sunday night. Sadly, the woman didn't even do anything to me this time, but to her own mother. Which is why I'm giving her one more chance with me. After that, I'm DONE! As hard as that will be, I will try my damndest to swallow the guilt and stick to my guns. She has done pretty much nothing but hurt me for the past 5 years (always being one huge thing a year). I realized yesterday that I really don't have to take her crap. She can be who she is and I love her because she is my mom, but I don't have to put up with her negativity or dark aura in my life. I say "dark aura" because after every conversation I have with her or after being anywhere near her, I feel a huge weight on my shoulders and never come away from her feeling anything positive. It's all negativity from her.

In short, she got upset at her mom. Who happens to be living with my parents. She's making this poor old woman feel unwanted in the place she lives. Grandma will tell you that my mom's friend (who moved to town a year ago) is a bad influence and that mom kept most of her negativity in check until her BFF moved to town. Grandma has had enough. She's ready to pack up her things and find another place to live. I will definitely go into more detail later. I just needed to take the edge off a bit before I blow.

Thank God it's FRIDAY!!!

Until later...

The Week in Review

2008-07-26T15:13:00.001-05:00

Thursday night - the 17th - I found out that we were definitely going to have guests in our home, a married couple (Trey and Candace), their little baby girl (Reagan), and a single guy (Scott). I had a major panic attack and cried.

Friday - I had to go to work, but I asked for half the day off so I could get the house in order for our guests. I had another panic attack and bitched about the guests to the people at work. They could NOT believe that H did that to me. Neither could I. Thankfully, I was able to get everything done before they got here.

Saturday - pool party at a friend's house. We took one of the guests that were staying with us while the family of three met with family members that came to town to meet them. They were leaving Sunday afternoon to go back home.

Sunday - went to the dam to fish, swim, and just hang out. We went to Dave and Buster's for dinner and went to see Batman - The Dark Knight at IMAX at 10:00 that night. Awesome movie!!! I will have to see this movie again.

Monday - went to the lake. Spent the day sunning, fishing, and just hanging out. The whole group (those staying at our house as well as 8 others) came to our house to play Rock Band, drinking, and Kabooki.

Tuesday - went to the Nashville Zoo; to the in-laws restaurant for lunch; then back to Dave and Buster's. While the guys played games, Candace and I took Reagan around the mall.

Wednesday - went to Mammoth Caves. Massive climbing up and down in slippery terrain. On the way home, we stopped at a hole in the wall place in the area and had a great dinner.

Thursday - we went to the Belle meade Plantation and had lunch at the Loveless Cafe. The group came back over to our house for more Rockband and drinking.

Friday - we chilled for the majority of this day. We took Trey, Candace and Scott to a local burger joint and met another friend there. Trey, Candace, and Reagan had dinner that night with family. H and Scott went to one of the group's house for a cookout and movies. I stayed home, relaxed, did a little cleaning, and caught up on some of my TV shows from the week.

Today - we went out to breakfast and the group has left. We are worn out and tired.

I am looking forward to getting everything back on track next week. I am also going to get back into making healthier choices the majority of the time. I kind of let that fall by the wayside a bit this past week.

Until later...
k

Hubby is a Dumb Ass

2008-07-19T08:34:00.004-05:00

Yep, I said it. The man has invited strangers to stay in our house the whole week we're both home from work. No relaxation for us going on any time soon. Damn it! He's kind of ticked off at me for the moment because I keep bringing this up and making him feel bad. He SHOULD feel bad. I was looking forward to having a week of relaxation. He doesn't understand that I now have to play hostess to people while I'm on my vacation. He doesn't realize that even if he tells me he's going to take care of everything, he'll never take care of it the way I would and that I'm still going to stress about it. I've already had 2 panic attacks over this whole thing within 24 hours. That's not good. I am feeling a bit better about this, but that's not the point. :-)

Good thing he's taking me to see Wicked next month and we're going to San Francisco in December. I'm really looking forward to both of those trips.

In his defense, we know people that know these people. H talks with them every week through Ventrillow while they all play WoW together. There is a family of 3, the third being an 11-month old little girl. There is also a single male. We met them all at IHOP last night and had dinner with them and our mutual friends. I may not be blogging any time this week, but I will be trying to keep up with all the blogs I read.

We are going to a friend's house this afternoon for a swimming party. There is a "block party" that our mutual friends last night told us about. I'm not too thrilled about it. I'm NOT old, damn it! I'm just not a partier and due to allergies, I really can't be around smoking for any length of time.

Tomorrow, we're going to the lake. the guys have decided that they want to do some noodling. Yep, that's right. I'm picuring the scene from Mulan where they are in training and they try this and a guy ends up being pulled into the water by his foot. I think while the guys are doing this, the women are going to be sun bathing.

Tomorrow night, we are all going to see Batman, the Dark Knight, at Imax at 10:30. I am so going to need a nap sometime tomorrow. Okay, maybe I'm a little old.

As far as I know, we have no plans for Monday yet, unless we're doing more noodling.

Tuesday, we're going to the Nashville Zoo. We're going to pick up K and K2 and take them with us. They love the animals.

Wednesday, we're going to Mammoth Caves. I'm looking forward to this. I haven't been here since I was 14.

Thursday, we're going to Belle Meade Plantation.

Friday is open and everyone is leaving Saturday morning after breakfast.

I'm telling you all of this so you'll have a general idea of where to look for me if I go missing.

On another note, K2 is walking all over the place now. Last weekend she was 50/50 with walking and crawling. Now she's all about the walking. Her favorite toy at the moment is the Nunchuk for the Nintendo Wii. She holds that thing in her had and drags the cord behind her everywhere she goes (including up the stairs).

I hope y'all have a great week. Until later...
k

Frustrations with Weight

2008-07-17T19:32:00.005-05:00

I've been frustrated lately because I'm stuck and no longer losing. Grant it, I'm not really watching what I eat. Well, I am, but I watch it go from my plate to my mouth. I've gained a few pounds back (less than 5). I've been doing this for quite some time. Fine, I've been doing this since about March. Five pounds isn't that bad for that time frame.

I've realized a few things in this frustrating time...

It doesn't matter if I reach my goals [meaning the set in stone, lose 'x' amount of pounds goals] as long as I'm working toward them on a pretty consistent basis. I may not always be able to work out (I have problems with my hips and knees due to arthritis). I can't beat myself up for that. It's going to happen. That's all part of my life and that's okay.

You can't beat yourself up over not reaching a goal either. We're working toward our goals. [It's a process] We should be extremely proud of ourselves for that no matter what the outcome. If we're striving for our goals more days than we aren't, we've accomplished something HUGE - something we haven't done before! Be proud of it. Congratulate yourself. You deserve it. You ARE worth it and you CAN do this. We all can!

It's nice to remind ourselves sometimes that life is just life. Things will come up that we don't expect and we're going to have to go with the flow. That's okay. We really need to be proud of ourselves for what we've already accomplished instead of only remembering the one piece of dessert we really shouldn't have had. Okay, fine, the three we shouldn't have had AFTER the one. Whatever! We tend to tune into the bad and negative things we are doing instead of realizing how much better we're doing on a daily, more consistent basis.

I think we get so used to the changes that we've made, that we forget just how far we've come. Yeah, we may slip occassionally and that's okay. We're human. It's going to happen. We need to accept that, learn from it, and move on. Don't beat yourself up over it. I can't beat myself up for it either. Instead of getting upset because of a dessert, remind yourself that you used to eat two or three (the whole thing? Whatever). You're still making progress. Celebrate that! Remember that! Be proud of THAT!

I know I've come a long way. I had to stop and take a break after walking just a few feet. I couldn't cross my legs. I couldn't paint my toenails without having to sit up straight for air after every two toes. I had to stop and take a break after playing with my nephew for about 5 minutes. I wore a size 16 top and 18-20 pants.

Those things are all history! I've come a long way. I'm proud of me and need to remember that and embrace the person I am NOW!

Until later...
k

I'm still Kickin'

2008-07-14T22:43:00.001-05:00

Take the Quiz here!

Another Meme

2008-07-01T15:05:00.004-05:00

I am: one day older than I was yesterday

I think: people that can’t do two things at one time should stop trying (ex: driving and talking on a cell phone or with a passenger)

I know: that I am happier and more at peace now than I have ever been in my life

I want: people to accept me for who I am

I have: allergies to EVERYTHING except cockroaches (the one thing I wouldn’t mind being allergic to)

I wish: everyone was more accepting of others instead of judgmental

I hate: that people use religious labels like a security blanket (it’s all faith)

I miss: the Pacific Ocean and the California mountain ranges

I fear: I’m never going to learn all that I’d like to learn

I feel: like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole

I hear: traffic outside my office window

I smell: nothing. Allergies have my nose stuffed

I crave: acceptance and understanding (especially from my family but others, too)

I search: for the meaning of it all

I wonder: if I’m going to Hell because I don’t believe the same way my parents taught me

I regret: not voicing all my questions about religion as I was growing up instead of letting my family believe that I felt and thought the same way they do

I love: My family (those I’ve chosen as well as those I was born to)

I ache: in my neck and shoulders almost constantly

I am not: the person everyone thought I would grow up to be

I believe: that it doesn’t matter WHAT you believe, it only matters THAT you believe

I dance: like a geeky white man

I sing: all the time

I cry: when no one can see me

I don’t always: feel accepted around others

I fight: the norms set by my family

I write: to express myself because I can’t seem to find the words when I’m speaking

I win: by beating cars off the line at a stop light with my 4 cylinder Corolla (all the time)

I lose: my voice every time I’m around a dominating personality

I never: want my parents or co-workers to find this blog

I always: have to have the TV on for background noise if nothing else

I confuse: what I want to do with what I should do

I can usually be found: reading a book

I am scared: of the dark, of fire, of drowning, of being electrocuted when I plug anything in or change a light bulb

I need: caffeine

I am happy: with who I am

I imagine: a world with faith but not religion

I've stole this from Ty's Girl (see blog roll on the right). If you do this meme, please let me know. I'd love to read your answers.

My Current and Most Recent Reading List

2008-06-30T19:45:00.002-05:00

The following books I have read this month:
1. The Traveller by John Twelve Hawks
Great book about "The Vast Machine" and how a group of "Brethren" also known as the "Tabula" want to take over the world by making everyone afraid of terrorism. They want everyone to believe they are always being watched so they will continue to believe they are always watched. With this, they really don't have to be watched to be under the Tabula's control (panopticon - one guard for 100 prisoners). VERY interesting read. This book also has "Travellers" which have the ability to travel (the light in their bodies) from one realm to another. Travellers are protected by "Harlequin's". This is the first book in a trilogy. I'm also reading the second book at this moment. A MUST read.
2. No Choice But Seduction by Johanna Lindsey
She's always been one of my favorite authors. I have every single book of hers that I've read and I've read them multiple times. All of her books make me laugh out loud, cry, and chuckle.
3. Fearless Fourteen by Janet Evanovich
Another one of my favorite authors. I also have every book of hers I've ever read. She makes me laugh out loud and snort. Stephanie's torn between two men and has a grandmother that carries a gun in her purse (to the chagrin of her daughter - Stephanie's mom). Grandma shot a turkey while it was on the dinner table (Thanksgiving Dinner). Cracks me up.
4. Janeology by Karen Harrington
Great read! Asks the age old question about Nature vs. Nurture. In this story, a mom has drowned her little boy. Don't worry...the story does not go into a lot of detail about this part. The book is mostly about delving into Jane's past and finding out why she is the way she is and why she cracked. Nature vs. Nurture is the defense that the attorney representing Jane's husband is using because he is on trial for being partially responsible for the murder even though he was no where near the murder or had any clue that she was going to crack the way she did.

The books currently on my reading list (and these are only a few) are as follows:
1. The Dark River by John Twelve Hawks (book 2 of the trilogy)
2. Pandora's Daughter by Iris Johansen
3. Mummy Tomb of the Dragon Emperor by Max Allan Collins
4. The Immortal Highlander by Karen Marie Moning
5. Scavenger by David Morrell
6. The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova
7. The Lost Constitution by William Martin

These are the books I am working on now and will be reading in the next month. I have MANY others like Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. So, yeah, I may read romance novels by Johanna Lindsey, Nora Roberts, and Janet Evanovich; but I am interested in so many other subjects as well and have no problem stretching my horizons and learning new things. I LOVE to learn. I don't even care what the subject is, I just love learning.

So, those are the books on my recent and current reading lists. What are you reading? Have you read any of these?

Until later...
k

Happy Hump Day!!

2008-06-25T08:20:00.004-05:00

Okay, I'm just checking in. Today is going to be hectic. I'm already at work and I'm not planning on leaving this place until close to 9:00 tonight. That's 13 hours, people! At least I get comp time for anything over 7.5 hours (unlike our event planners). WooHoo!

Ty's Girl, I read books multiple times. I'm sorry I missed that question in your comment. I have books I've read as many as 6 times (maybe even more). I don't really count how many times I read a book. I just read it for enjoyment. If it's a book I love, I will go back to it again and again (like Johanna Lindsey, Nora Roberts, and Janet Evanovich). I can't tell you how many times I've read some of their books. They all make me cry and laugh out loud - which to me is the sign of a great book.

I hope y'all have a great hump day. As I said, mine will probably be pretty busy (especially after all the tables and chairs arrive).

While I'm here, I'm gonna bitch about something that aggravates the shit out of me. It's my blog - I'm allowed.

I don't mind people asking when we're going to have kids. What aggravates me to no end are the people that won't drop it when I say we can't. We were at a friend's home two weeks ago and they had another couple there. This couple asked when we were having kids.

ME: We're not - we can't.
HIM: Oh, well, we didn't think we could either but after 6 years and the doctor's being wrong, we had little Johnny. Hooray for you!
ME: It's medically impossible
HIM: That's what we were told, too, but God can perform miracles and here's our child as proof.
ME:

I had nothing to say. It's not his business that when I say medically impossible, I mean, we lack the swimmers (and it's none of your damn business). No, there aren't even a few swimmers that they can catch and put in a petrie dish to mix around with my gals. Due to an incompetent doctor (who snipped where he shouldn't have) THERE ARE NONE! Leave me the fuck alone!

I'm so happy for those that can, but I have to admit, there are times that I'm jealous. There are times that I wish it were me (even with the morning sickness - sometimes I'm glad it's not me, too). There are times I've asked WHY can't it be me. Maybe because of everything I've been through with my family, grandfather, past, yada yada yada; maybe it's a good thing I can't. I won't be able to pass any of that crap on to an innocent. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted to love a child and have one of my own.

For those of you that are pregnant or have just had a child, I'm so happy for you and excited for you and love sharing this experience with you; but there will be times that even though I will read your blog, I may not be able to comment on some of them. Sometimes I just don't know what to say, sometimes I get overwhelmed with emotion, sometimes I just can't; besides it's YOUR blog. It's not about me. I'm okay with that. I LOVE that y'all are able to have children and are sharing them with the rest of us. I feel close to them and to you. I have no problem with that. It's the people that won't shut up about "God can do miracles" "You need to have faith". No, Fucker! I need to have swimmers! Leave me alone!

Sorry, I've been fuming about that for two weeks and unable to put it into words without crying or getting pissed until today. Happy Hump Day!!! I feel better now.

I forgot to mention...H got us tickets to see Wicked in Chicago in August. WooHoo! This was a GREAT book. I'll read this again. I can't wait to see the musical.

Until later...
k

Where I Store my Books (and more)

2008-06-22T21:44:00.005-05:00

So, Amanda asked where I store all of my books. My answer: all over the house!

Actually, I have 5 bookcases full of books. Some shelves have books on them stacked horizontally instead of vertically so I can get more on the shelf. I also have some shelves that have books stacked in front of other books (almost two full rows of books on one shelf).

I also have 2 bookcases that we haven't put together yet. Once we do, it will help alleviate the double stacks on some of the shelves. At the moment, I have a stack of books on my desk that I'm in the process of reading. I've finished two of the three books I was working on earlier this week.

One book I just finished is Janeology. This is a fantastic book that asks the question which has a bigger influence on a person's life nature or nurture. It was a VERY interesting read. I loved it and recommend it. This book kept me at the edge of my seat and I was late going back to the office during lunch because I just HAD to finish the chapter I was reading (a couple of times).

I also finished reading Janet Evanovich's new book Fearless Fourteen. This author always makes me laugh.out.loud. I love her books and own every one I've ever read.

I'm still doing well on the Wii Fit. I've been on the machine now for over eight hours. Can you believe it? Me! Working out for eight hours! No forkin' way, Pal! I'm so proud of myself. WooHoo!!!

I hope you all have a great week. Until later...
k

My Name is Kari and I'm a Book-a-holic

2008-06-20T18:29:00.003-05:00

Yep! I'm standing in the circle hoping the twelve step program will help me. Are you kidding me! If my worst vice is that I can't walk away from a book, I think I'm doing pretty well.

Yeah, um, I can't walk to ANY store without looking at their book section. I have at least 20 books at home I haven't read yet. I walked into Walgreens today and walked out with 3 books. THREE!!! I'm currently reading three. Yes, that wasn't a typo. I'm currently reading 3 books. I have one in the car to read during lunch. I have two that I'm reading at home (my mood determines which one I'll pick up each night). I also have two books that I'm waiting to receive from the UPS dude. They'll be sent out on the 24th along with another book I just purchased earlier this week.

Stop the insanity! I need to get off this rollercoaster ride. NOT! I don't care! I LOVE books and I LOVE reading. Its been a part of my life since my mom read to me as a little girl. Reading is just a part of me - a HUGE part!

By the way, TGIF!!!

Until later...
k

Update on life...

2008-06-17T20:25:00.004-05:00

Work is pretty good. I have only one complaint and since it's only one, I can live with it. I get to go home every day at 4:30, I earn a vacation and a sick day every month, and I don't think about work once I leave the joint; so it can't be too bad. It's just one of my co-workers. Sadly, there are only 7 of us in the whole office, so I see her pretty often. I don't mind seeing her and most days she's fine; but there are days that she's a real bitch and those days I could do without. Sadly, she's only that way with me and the other secretary. She comes across very gruffly all the time to myself and the other secretary as well as the man in our office. You guessed it, it's SUB. LOL

The way I look at it is this...she's the only stress I have in my job (besides when I may make an error - hey, I'm human, it happens). I can live through anything for 7.5 hours (which is as long as my day lasts at work). Most days, I don't even have any interaction with her, so I'm GREAT!

I think my bosses are trying to get me into the event planning side of our office. I don't want to plan events. I enjoy and love what I do. I'm good at what I do. I'm great on the phone, I'm great with people, and I'm extremely organized. That's what I'm ALWAYS hired for. It's what I do. It's what I love. That's just me. I don't have to have a higher paying job. Hell! With the higher pay comes higher stress and longer work hours. With the higher pay, I'd be worried and thinking about work when I'm at home. Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt...and BURNED it! I'm done with all that crap. I don't need it. I don't want it. I love my life the way it is. I love that my stress level is pretty non-existent. It's taken me 39 years to get to this point and I'm here to stay. Screw the higher pay. Life, family, and peace of mind are so much more important to me than a bigger paycheck.

Regarding weight...I've finally broken through my plateau. Actually, I've finally found something I love to do that is considered exercise. I'm finally off my lazy ass and moving my body. I actually look forward to working out now. It's amazing. This wonderful equipment is the Nintendo Wii Fit.

My husband's work gives them $300 each year toward the purchase of a gym membership or piece of home gym equipment. One of the guys he works with sent in his receipts for the wii and wii fit and received the $300 back. If it's good enough for an insurance company to be counted as in-home gym equipment, it's good enough for me.

I started using the Wii Fit on the 7th of this month. I have already lost 3 pounds. I've already used the Wii Fit for 6 hours and 12 minutes. Amazing. That's the most exercise I have done since I was on sports teams in high school. WooHoo! I actually do look forward to working out each day. I look forward to it all during work. I LOVE the Wii Fit. I've been looking for an exercise that is easy enough for me to do even on days that my arthritis is acting up; but I also wanted something that would hold my interest. Usually, exercises start to bore me after doing them just two or three times. The Wii Fit is the BEST exercise machine EVER!!!

K and K2 are doing great. K2 seems to think that everyone is her personal jungle gym. She crawls over all of us. All.The.Time. She's also under the assumption that if she's awake, everyone else should be, too. If she sees that someone near her is sleeping, she'll crawl over and slap them in the face. HARD. If that doesn't work, she'll pull your hair. HARD. She's adorable. She still smiles all the time! Absolutely amazing!

Dickens is still the spoiled dog he ever was. He knows he's loved and, to us, that's the most important thing. Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I fully believe that we saved Dickens. There was an ad in the paper stating that they had poodles on sale for $50. First of all, he is NOT a poodle. He is a Bichon Frise. They stubbed his tail so they could pass him off as a poodle. I knew he wasn't a full poodle because I had one when I was a kid. They also told us that he was champagne colored. Once we gave him a bath, he was white as a ghost. They definitely did not take good care of these dogs.

When we got him, he wouldn't let any man get anywhere near him (including H). He growled and barked at everything. He wouldn't go near anyone but me. Nine years later, he is a completely different dog (even my dad says he's nothing like he was when we first got him). He will now go up to just about anyone and nudge them until they start petting him. He's a sweetie. The only problem now is that he always thinks he has to guard me, but I totally understand it. I was the first person that showed this poor animal some love. The day we first got him, we stopped at a pet store to get a bowl, bed, leash, collar, and all the things a new dog needs. I stayed outside with him while H went into the store. dickens obviously had never had a collar on before the one those idiots put on him for us to take him home. They named him Fred, by the way. How boring. My first teddy bear was named Fred (yes after the Flintstones, I was 4). Anyway, poor Dickens got his paw stuck in the collar. When I tried to help him get it out, he bit me. He didn't break skin or draw blood, but it freaked me out and scared me a bit. I looked at him and said, "Fine, you can sit there until Daddy comes out of the store." He hobbled around on three paws until H came out of the store and got it out.

From that day on, Dickens was mine. He hasn't been far away from me ever since. I am the one he feels he has to guard. At.All.Times. By the way, I had the name picked (after the author) long before I had the dog. He's my baby and always will be.

I hope you're all having a great week. Until later...

Unfortunately

2008-06-10T08:29:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, we do NOT have custody of K1 and K2. They have loving parents that take exceptionally good care of them. Their grandparents also live in the same house and these children are doted upon by everyone.

They are the closest that H and I will ever come to having children of our own and in the Laotian culture it really is a village that raises the children. K1 and K2's parents know that we love their children as if they were are own and they couldn't be happier. They know their children our loved beyond words.

K will go nowhere without his daddy. We asked him if he wanted to spend Saturday night at our house and he just said "no". LOL We look forward to the day that he is ready to spend the night. We already have a closet full of board games that I can't wait to teach him. We hope above all that K and K2 feel loved and never doubt that they are loved. We hope that if they ever have a time where they need someone to talk to and don't feel that they can talk to their parents that they will know, and choose, to talk to us. That is our ultimate goal for these two children - to be their safety net, to let them know that we will NEVER judge them, to let them know that we will ALWAYS be there for them for ANYTHING. No matter what!

So, nope, we don't have custody, but they control our hearts. Until later...
Oh...I almost forgot my most important news for the day. I LOST 2 pounds this week. I knew I just needed to exercise. This past week, I walked about 5 miles and played Wii Fit for 2 1/2 hours. My goal is to do the Wii Fit for 30 minutes a day. We just opened the box on Saturday and I did an hour on Saturday and an hour on Sunday. Last night, I just did 32 minutes; but I am so proud of myself. I have finally found an exercise that I can do on a daily/weekly basis. WooHoo! It's been almost 4 months since I have lost any weight. I actually gained about 8 pounds back, so I'm so excited to finally be on the losing track again.

Until later...
k

Yet another Meme

2008-05-29T14:51:00.003-05:00

I found this meme at Manicdote and thought I'd post it for you all to see. If you haven't done this meme yet, please do it and let me know so I can see your answers.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago: Working at a place I hated. Been married to the most wonderful man for a year (which means I was probably pretty bitchy at that time and giving him nothing but grief). I think this was about the time I had my breakdown and the doctor finally diagnosed me with depression/anxiety and I started medication. Wow! I didn’t realize how long it’s been.

2. Five Things on my to-do list today: Allergy shots; do a load of laundry; load, run, and empty the dishwasher (yep, that’s 5) AND…I have to watch today’s episode of Days of Our Lives, duh.

3. Three snacks I enjoy: Salted nuts (preferably cashews or pistachios), cheese, fruit (as for snacks that aren't good for me - anything chocolate or sweet)

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire: Pay off all bills (including credit cards and student loans). Travel, pay off the debts of our friends and family, set up a GREAT retirement fund, set money aside for each niece and nephew (for when they turned 30), and do all the home improvements we’ve been putting off and wanting to do.

5. Three of my bad habits: gnaw on my fingers (all around the nail bed), lazy, watch a LOT of TV

6. Five places I have lived: Los Angeles, CA; Hammond, IN; Pensacola, FL; Murfreesboro, TN; Smyrna, TN

7. Five jobs I have had: Receptionist/Cashier for a Mercedes Dealership; Receptionist for an architectural firm; Quality Control Clerk in a warehouse; Shipping Clerk and Inventory Control Clerk in same warehouse; Lead in Customer Care (in-bound telephone sales and customer service); Secretary – many places.

Until Later...
k

Happy Memorial Day

2008-05-26T13:45:00.003-05:00

To all those that have served in our military forces...THANKS!!! I owe ALL my freedoms to you. It is because of your sacrifice and the sacrifices of your family that I enjoy the freedoms I take for granted on a daily basis.

We spent this weekend with my parents. We heard a LOT of stories from my grandfather about his time in World War II. I heard for the first time that he actually saw 3 of his war buddies (one of which he grew up with) die right in front of him. That explains so much. My Uncle Mark is actually named after one of them and I never knew.

My dad was finally able to talk about his time in Viet Nam. That's the first time I've EVER heard him talk about it.

I also found out that this fallen soldier not only served with H in the Tennessee National Guard, but also served with him in full-time service before the Guard. If I knew that, it was something I forgot. I will never forget that now.

While there, we saw a commercial where servicemen and women were walking through an airport and everyone stood up and clapped. Those commercials ALWAYS make me cry. I don't know why. Dad looked at me and just smiled. I told him I felt like a dope, but he said I was just extremely patriotic, never lose that, and vote every time I'm able. I also always cry when I hear the National Anthem (in person - hearing it over the radio or TV doesn't do the same thing to me for some reason).

On the way home, we passed the Kentucky Veteran's Cemetery and saw a group of men in front of the entrance holding hands in a circle with their heads bowed. I cried. a. LOT! I cried so much, H reached over and held my hand.

Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day. Please don't ever forget why we enjoy our freedom. I now realize what is so important about the war in Iraq. We are trying to give the people of Iraq the same freedoms we take for granted. I also realized today that the leader of our country should be someone that has served in our military. We cannot expect someone who has never been in our military to lead our military. There is so much they just wouldn't understand.

Until later...
k

No Worries

2008-05-21T08:37:00.004-05:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've been extremely busy at work (which is where I've been doing a LOT of my blogging the past few months) and by the time I get home at night, I don't even want to TOUCH my laptop (let alone open it, sign in, and type ANYTHING).

I'm doing very well. I'm sorry I scared all of you. I actually have realized that I wasn't really in a "fog" for the past few years. There was no drug induced haze of any kind. It was more that I was in a cocoon. I sort of closed off part of myself for the past few years in order to protect me.

Thanks to Ty's Girl (link on the right) I've also realized the following these past few weeks regarding what I need or look for in my chosen mate:

I need someone that I feel comfortable with, someone I can be myself around, someone I can talk to without being bored (intelligent) or running out of things to say, someone I feel safe with (that's a BIG one for me), LOVE me some dark brown eyes (I don't even care that you're so full of shit your eyes are brown), and someone that makes me laugh.

Wow, this is sooo hubby in a nutshell. I never even realized. No wonder I love him so much. :-)

Anyway, I didn't want y'all to worry about me. I'm doing much better than I expected. I guess I just needed to figure some things out. Now that I have, I'm feeling much better. I don't feel such a weight on me and I need to stretch out of my cocoon completely (old habits die hard, ya know).

Thanks so much for all your words of encouragement and your hugs. They mean more than you will EVER know. Almost forgot...Happy Hump Day!!! WooHoo! Until later...
k

Major Depressive Episode

2008-05-07T15:15:00.002-05:00

You are all sooo sweet for caring. Thanks for your hugs. They mean so much. What you are about to read has absolutely NOTHING to do with the trip we are no longer taking to Ireland (just thought I’d clear that up at the beginning). That's partly my fault for not letting H know what I really wanted and talked with him about what he was worried about before cancelling the whole thing. This in no way, shape, or form is H’s fault.

So, the past few weeks, I’ve been MIA. I haven’t written anything! I haven’t even been keeping track of my food intake which is HUGE for me. I’ve been tracking my food for almost a year. I haven’t for the past few weeks. I also haven’t been reading very many blogs (sorry I’ve been behind on yours). Occasionally, I will stop by a blog and catch up on what I’ve been missing. I think I’m actually pretty up to date on everyone by now. That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment for me right now.

I was in such a bad funk that I wasn’t even able to go to work Monday or yesterday. That’s HUGE for me. I’ve been really good in this job at missing only when I’m sick or using vacation days. The job itself does not stress me out and I’ve never dreaded going to work in the mornings while in this job. I definitely think I’m in the right place for me right now in that regards.

Anyway, this weekend went pretty well until Sunday afternoon. Sunday afternoon, I started having really bad stomach pains (lately this has only happened after eating greasy foods, but that wasn’t the case Sunday). By Sunday evening, I was extremely “off” (as I call it – I have no other way to explain it. I’m just off – way off this time. I think it's part of my chemical imbalance, but sometimes, even my meds don't help).

I was so far “off” on Sunday that H left me. Not in an “I’ll never come back” way – which I didn’t realize at the time; but in an “I really need to get out of here for a few minutes before I blow” way. He just left. In all honesty, I deserved it. I blew – as in my stack – really hugely over something extremely inane and inconsequential. I couldn’t even tell you right now what it was. Sadly, I bet H could tell you what it was. I thought he was just sitting in his truck in the driveway. When I went to look, his truck was no longer parked in the driveway. I know I hurt him tremendously and I couldn’t feel more sorry about that. I would never intentionally hurt H. He’s my rock. He’s the one person, besides my grandma, that I’ve ALWAYS been able to depend on. He’s the one person I’ve always been comfortable showing my true self to.

Long story short, after seeing that he wasn't in the driveway, I called him. He went to put gas in his truck and drive around for a bit to cool off instead of saying something that might hurt me. While he was gone, I was completely in a fog. I lay on our bed with my eyes staring at the ceiling. I wasn’t crying (although I wanted to), I wasn’t thinking. I was completely a blank. When he got home, he laid in bed next to me. I was actually on his side of the bed (for some reason, I always choose his side of the bed when I need to think or just get away) so he was on my side. I stayed there for a few minutes then went into the backyard to lie in the hammock. I needed some air. I still wasn’t thinking straight and I wasn’t crying or anything. Just a blank.

I was in the hammock for quite some time before the back door opened. H let the dog out because he was barking to come to me (H told me this and I told him that I heard him barking). I didn’t want or need the dog making a bunch of noise while I was in this state. I guess it might have been a good thing, because it wasn’t long after the dog was out when I started to feel again. Almost an hour had passed between the time I came outside and the time I started feeling. The one thing that kept going over and over in my mind was that he left me. That has always been a huge fear for me (ever since he left me stranded at an apartment we were moving out of before we even got married - due again to another of my explosions, I'm sure). That was the only other time he’s ever done something like that, but it definitely left a lasting impression on me. An impression I have been scared to death of ever since. I started to bawl like a baby at this point and I found myself in the fetal position. I don’t remember ever being in this position before, but I really found the comfort it gives. It’s like wrapping your arms completely around yourself and giving yourself a huge body hug without actually doing it. I realized that I had a LOT to lose if H were to ever leave me. He is my stability. Without him, I wouldn’t have access to K or K2 and to me, those are my children. I couldn’t afford to live on my own with what I make. I took a lower paying job in order to get out from the stress of the workplace. I would be in BIG trouble financially without him. All of this was running through my mind.

He finally came out, gathered me in his arms, and carried me back into the house as I’m blubbering away. I’m crying so hard at this point that I don’t think he could even make out what I was saying. He carried me to bed and we talked for a couple of hours trying to get to the bottom of everything. He apologized for leaving me. I told him everything I wrote above and I think he was a bit shocked that my brain went to all those places. That shows just how “off” I really was at that point.

From Sunday night until Monday night, I came to a lot of conclusions about myself and my problems. Here’s the abbreviated version:

1. I have anger and rage problems. They come out toward H, but he does not evoke those feelings from me. When I snap, I am never actually upset at him or angry with him in any way. I’m usually a little frustrated but that’s as far as it goes, but for some reason, I blow and I have no way to stop it or even realize that I’m coming to this point. It just happens. It makes absolutely no sense to me and I can’t even tell you what sets me off. I have no idea. Sadly, this also means I have no way to know when it’s coming so I can make myself shut up or go away until it passes.

2. I have abandonment issues. I took time during lunch today to list the reasons why I think I have my anger/rage and abandonment issues. Here’s the list:

a. I was sexually abused as a child

b. I was emotionally/mentally abused (bruised) as a child

c. I never felt loved by my family (except my grandmother)

d. I don’t trust my parents to protect me (they didn’t know about grandpa and mom almost watched me drown when I was in junior high – she told the lifeguard I was okay when I was anything BUT okay – I forgot that all I had to do was stand up. I was THAT freaked out and still do not know how to swim. I’m scared to death of the water and freak out when water gets in my ears while in the shower or getting my hair done. It’s THAT bad)

e. I feel that my parents expect too much from me. Definitely more than they expect from G (more behaved, better grades, etc.)

f. They’ve actually taken things from me and given them to G when he lost his own (Mickey Mouse watch, school rain jacket, baseball mitt, etc.). Grant it, these were small things, but they showed me at a young age that G was more important than I was.

g. They still give to G even though he’s 38 and a father of 3. They give him money (still), were going to pay completely for his college education (which he turned down). Somehow, they never thought to offer the same things to me. They couldn’t even throw me a graduation party when I did graduate from college (first person from my immediate family).

h. They couldn’t be bothered to remember my birthday last year.

i. They couldn’t be bothered to actually spend Christmas with me when they came down specifically for that purpose. Their excuse was that we were going to spend a few hours with K to watch him open gifts and they didn’t want to come with us. They have met H’s parents, but they don’t seem to want to spend any time with them.

No wonder I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel that I deserve to be loved. I never have. I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. I never have. As a matter of fact, I have always self-sabotaged myself whenever anything starts going too well for me or I’ve been happy for too long a period.

No wonder I’m so screwed up. Is it any wonder? How the hell have I been able to function this well for so long? What is it people see in me that makes them want to protect me? This has happened all my life (not from my family, but others I work with or have spent any length of time around). I wish I saw myself the way they see me or at least knew what it was they saw so I could look for it myself.

Now that I have been able to put all my frustrations and sadness into words, now that I finally know WHY I’ve been feeling the way I have for so long, maybe I can now put it all to rest and actually move on with my life. Is it safe to say that I have finally come to the end of this chapter? Can I finally close this book and start anew? Now that I know all this, will I see the signs when I start to slip into old habits that lead to nothing but pain and heartache for me as well as those around me? God! I hope so. I’m afraid to hope, though. I’m afraid that my hopes will be dashed yet again. It never fails that when I get my hopes up something inevitably happens that make them all come crashing down around me. I guess time will tell.

I did find out through my work’s EAP (employee assistance program) that I can have 6 free sessions with a therapist. I wonder, since I know what the root of my problem is, if 6 sessions will be enough for me to learn how to overcome all of this and move on without causing more devastation to those I love (meaning H – I’m coming closer and closer to not caring how my parents feel about all of this). They don’t even realize I HAVE a problem let alone know they’re the cause.

I’m choosing who is included in my “family” starting today! H, K, K2, H’s parents, my grandma (the only one currently living), my grandpa (also currently living – NOT the one that caused all my problems as a child – the other one), Scott and Donna (former neighbors who we don’t see nearly enough now), G’s children (W, A, B – my problems with their father is not their fault and I may never be as close to them as I am with K and K2, but I still love them and want to be there for them if they ever need me), and my blogosphere family (that’s you, in case you’re wondering). So far, that’s all I have; but that’s enough. It has to be. It’s all I have.

By the way...Happy Hump Day, Y'all!!! Until later…
k

Major Struggling Going on Here

2008-05-06T14:55:00.002-05:00

Right now, that's actually about all I can say. I've had a rough couple of weeks that all came to a head Sunday night. I've been out of work for the past two days trying to get some semblance of normalcy back into my life and feelings.

I'll write more later. Until then...
K

Plans Demolished

2008-04-30T21:48:00.002-05:00

After all this time, I should know NEVER to get my hopes up because they ALWAYS come crashing down around me. Always, yet…I never learn. I must be the stupidest person EVER. ON. THE. PLANET! I NEVER learn this lesson about getting my hopes up.

Ireland is now a thing of the past. Yes, you read that correctly! I am no longer going to Ireland in October. My boss (BB) gave H the time he needed to change his mind and no longer feel as though we could afford the trip. She had my vacation request since April 9! As of Monday (when I let the office know that I am no longer going to Ireland), she still had not signed it.

I found out today from a co-worker that she had been planning on me taking the trip and wanted me to spend it as a vacation with my husband instead of working the trip (since the trip is being put together by my office, one of us may have to go and work the event and answer any questions or solve any problems that may come up while there). Strange how she can let the office know that she approves of my going to Ireland as a vacation, but she can’t tell me so I can pay the deposit and get the ball rolling. It's MY damn vacation. I should have been the FIRST person to know it was approved.

H is kind of frustrated with me right now because I’m bitching about BB and completely sad and demolished because the trip is now off the books. I’m soooo frickin’ frustrated right now. I really can’t even go into this anymore right now because I’ve got tears springing into my eyes.

I’m so tired of getting my hopes up for them to be dashed on the bits. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you’re thinking so I’m prepared when you change your mind. With H, deep down I always know there’s a chance he’ll change his mind; but I was really unprepared for it this time. I thought he was looking at this as a “once in a lifetime” trip just as I was.

Happy Frickin' Hump Day!
Until later...
k

'Bout Damn Time

2008-04-28T18:53:00.005-05:00

I have been so freakin' busy the past few weeks, I haven't had a chance to to breathe let alone update all of you on my life. I should be grocery shopping right now, but H and I are both tired from all the running around, so we are giving in to our laziness. Just thought you'd like to know. :-)

I got home from work today to find that our lawn had been mowed. I called H right away asking if he mowed the lawn last night and I was just tired enough to not realize it. He didn't - good thing, 'cause I don't how tired I really would have been to have missed THAT. The first thing that popped into my head was that our "association" took it upon themselves to cut our front yard and charge us $100 dollars for it. First of all, our front yard didn't look THAT bad. It has looked MUCH worse and we have gotten a letter to mow it. We didn't receive a letter this time. It's kind of strange. It seems that after all the care we took into over-seeding our lawn to keep the weeds away, we now have nothing BUT weeds. We have little sprigs of grass here and there, but the majority is seriously now weeds. The weeds themselves are strange. These aren't the weeds that grow real tall. These weeds have yellow flowers on the top and grow close to the ground.

I saw our next door neighbor out mowing his lawn. He's retired, and he's lived next door to us since day one. We actually moved into our house before they moved into theirs. While he was riding around on his mower, I went up to him and asked if he mowed our lawn. He said that he didn't. The neighbors on the other side of us did. He said the lady thought we hadn't mowed our lawn because there was something wrong with our mower. I called H and told him the NEW neighbor (been there less than 3 months) mowed our lawn because they thought something was wrong with our mower. I told him, "there IS something wrong with our mower." He's LAZY!!! hahaha - seriously, I did.

Guess what? Because my BB took soooo long to sign my vacation request for Ireland, H has decided that we shouldn't go to Ireland. Damn it! I knew that would happen. Damn her for taking over 3 weeks to sign off on MY time. Biatch!! Two of the ladies that I work with (EA and MB) were pissed off as well. They couldn't believe that 1) she STILL hadn't signed the damn request and 2) she had the NERVE to look at me and say "I'm so sorry" as though it wasn't her fault that I will not be going to Ireland. Grant it, I knew that if H had enough time, he would talk himself out of the trip. He always does that whether we can afford it or not, but if I had already been approved, I would have paid our deposit on the trip and H wouldn't have changed his mind. DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!

Until later...
k

Happy Hump Day!!!

2008-04-23T17:31:00.003-05:00

WooHoo! I got it RIGHT on the RIGHT day. Count your blessings, it doesn't happen very often. :-)

I'm not going to post a big post tonight. I'm completely worn out. Today was a HUGE day at the office. We had a fundraiser luncheon today that kept me busy all damn day. I had 50 emails in my inbox. I now have those down to 17. Finally!!

Nevis, everyone I've seen that others have done have also gotten golden retriever. I think the quiz is rigged - seriously!

Trudi, I think it's funny that you think the Preds fans are better than the Red Wings. I work with a guy who HATES the Preds fans. He says that we don't know the game (which is correct, we're learning as we go along here). He hates that what the crowd chants the most is that everyone besides the Preds "suck!". I think it's absolutely hillarious! I love that the crowd gets into the game. He calls us a bunch of rednecks, but that's what I love about the fans at the game. It's a LOT of fun. I love that our fans can be heard during the game. It's amazing to be there and here it all in person.

By the way, of course I'm cool - I'm a California girl at heart (and I have all of you as my friends - which makes me the coolest EVER!!). :-)

Have a great night. I'm done for now. I'm tired as hell! Until later...

k

Another Blog Quiz

2008-04-22T16:21:00.003-05:00

You know I love these things and I've felt as though I've neglected you the past few days.

I have quite a bit to tell y'all, but just don't have the time right now. Let me preface a later post by letting you know that we were able to go to GAME 6 (Predators vs. Red Wings) and I was surrounded by Tennessee Titans. WooHoo! I'll have a list of their names and tell you about our conversations later. Just thought you'd like to know I'm pretty cool - okay, you know that's not true, but at least I carried on conversations with some cool people. That has to count for something.

Until later...

K

Damn me for being so nice! Kidding!

2008-04-17T15:11:00.003-05:00

Because I "leave the nicest comments" over at I'm in the Gutter (AKA - I'm Being Held Hostage), I got tagged for a meme. Like I mind doing a meme. Come on, Folks! I live for these things! I don't have to think about them and I get to share a little about myself to all my blogosphere buddies. Gotta say, though, that I don't think I leave the nicest comments, but I'm glad YOU think I do. Some days, I can be downright snarky. I guess I hide it well. HA!

Anyway, on to the meme:

1. My perfect food: I'll come back to this one. I really don't know. I don't really have a favorite food per se. I'll come back to this. So, I have now answered all these questions and am back to this one. I still don't know what my favorite food is. I love Mexican (but have really been getting out of it since eating healthier - I just taste the grease now and not much else). I love Olive Garden, but it just no longer seems worth the points. Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream is ALWAYS top of my list and right now Bellacino's nachos (without onions) are right up there, too. We've found a bakery close by (son of a BIATCH! - don't they know I'm trying to LOSE weight not gain it all back?) and I've found quite a few little things there that I like. Wedding Cookies will also always be one of my favorites. My mom calls them Sandies. Whatever. I have to buy them every year around Christmas because that was the time of year my mom always made them. I also LOVE my mom's TACOS. We're going to visit them at the end of May and I've already made my request for those tacos. :-)

**So, short list of favorite foods if you prefer to skip the above paragraph: Breyer's Mint Chocolate chip, Bellacino's nachos, Wedding Cookies (instead of walnut flavoring, add real walnuts), and Mom's Tacos.

2. Favorite Colors: I have soooo many - purple, blue, black (for clothing), chocolate brown, green, red. You get the picture.

3. Hair - I'm not quite sure what this is asking me. I have some. I like my current style even though I'll be damned if I can fix it the way the hairdresser did. I liked her way best but can't seem to duplicate it myself. Mother F$@#%^$!

4. DVD I recently saw - P.S. I Love You. Wait, I think that was actually downloaded from the Internet by a friend with the title "P.S. I Heart Not U" - don't tell. By the way, I LOVE the P.S. I Heart Not U. H and I say that to each other every now and then. He liked it, too. GREAT movie! Actually, we were just starting this movie when we were called last Friday to the hospital for K2 and finally watched it Tuesday night.

5. Guilty Pleasure TV - isn't it all, really? Days of Our Lives, Survivor, Big Brother, Amazing Race, New Amsterdam, How I Met Your Mother, and NASCAR Cup Series Racing. Those are about all the shows I watch now.

6. If I were a Tree - I would be a weeping willow. Seriously! I love those trees. They seem so majestic to me and completely convey my depression on days when I'm feeling low. They have always been my favorite tree. Sometimes I think they are completely misunderstood and I feel that way at times, too. Weeping Willows freak H out for some reason, so I don't think I'll ever be able to plant one in our yard, but I sure would like to.

Now on to the suckers, I mean buddies I'm going to tag for this. You know what, just leave me a message that you did it and I'll check out your answers. That means I'm tagging EVERYONE that READS THIS BLOG!! That MEANS YOU!!! :-) Until later...

k

Update on EVERYTHING

2008-04-17T14:19:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I know it's been a while since I have blogged anything. Sorry! I haven't been neglecting you for SparkPeople, I swear! I've been neglecting that journal, too. I've just been so damned tired since last Friday night. We had a busy week, so that hasn't helped anything.

On to the update:
We went to see K and K2 last Saturday. K2 was doing very well. She was crawling around and smiling, so I felt much better.

Sunday, we picked up K and took him to Opry Mills Mall. He wanted to putt/putt at the glow in the dark place they have there. Afterwards, we walked around a bit. We took him to the Stingray exhibit and he had a blast looking at the stingrays and the different fish they had there.

Monday, I got an email from H that he had tickets to the Predator Playoff Game that night. How could I turn down free playoff tickets? I couldn't, so we went. Come to find out, the owner of the company bought 100 tickets for the employees. WooHoo! The owner and his brother are two of the five local businessmen that now own the Predators. I have told H that he could tell them he'll take his raise in Predator tickets and I would be a happy camper. LOL. Seriously, I did!

The game was GREAT! Lots of noise, lots of comraderie. It was fantastic! I think it was the best game I have ever attended. Near the end of the second period (we were tied 2-2), everyone was on their feet. There was so much noise from the crowd pumping up the team, that they stopped play for at least 2 minutes then gave up and started the match again because they realized we were not stopping any time soon. The vibe was just awesome.

At this point, I still have not caught up on any sleep since the hospital run on Friday. I'm tired as hell and unable to sleep through the night. The score was 3-2 right after the beginning of the third period. The score remained at 3-2 almost the entire third period. At five minutes left in game play, I told H I was ready to go home and go to bed. No sooner had we walked out of the Sommet Center did we hear the buzzer go off letting us know the Preds had scored. Nine (9) seconds after that, we scored AGAIN! The score is now 4-3 in the Pred's favor and we're moving as fast as we can to the car so we can turn on the radio.

Never have I felt so old as to leave a sporting event early in order to miss the traffic jam and get my butt home. I mentioned that to H and he laughed. Oh well, I'm not old, damn it! I'm TIRED!! Once we got in the car, we turned on the radio in time to hear Erat make the fifth and final goal for Nashville. We Got TACOS! WooHoo! For the first time EVER, I didn't hear the crowd do the taco chant after scoring the fifth goal. They didn't even do the chant after the fourth goal letting everyone and their mother know "We want TACOS!" It truly was a magical night when you can stop rednecks from asking for free food. It's the Playoffs, Baby! Too excited to sleep well this night.

Tuesday night, we stayed home. We got nachos from Bellacino's. I don't care what anyone says. They have the BEST darned Nachos from anyplace I've ever bought them and I order nachos almost everywhere I go. I now only order them from Bellacino's. :-) For some reason, I'm unable to sleep through the night.

Wednesday - Happy Belated Hump Day! I got a call from H yesterday afternoon that we may have tickets to the Predator Game. We were on the list and they were giving tickets to those that didn't go on Monday first. We were FIRST on the list. When I left work, I called H to see if we were going to the game or staying home. We did not get tickets to the game, so we went to dinner at Cracker Barrel. I went to bed at 9 o'clock. H laughed at me for going to bed so early; but I feel so good this morning that I don't even care. It's almost 3 in the afternoon, and I'm still feeling good. I may try going to bed early tonight, too.

I hope you all have a GREAT week. By the way, I play Alliance on Mal'ganis. I have a few horde lowbies on another server, but I haven't touched them in over a year and have no idea where they are right now. I started them the week Mal'ganis was down and haven't been back since. I guess I need to get them rolling.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for K2 and for keeping me going this week. I have really appreciated the blogosphere and all the friends I have met here.

I still haven't updated pictures of my new hairstyle. I haven't even downloaded those pictures from my camera yet. I guess I REALLY need to do that so y'all can see just how cute I am. LOL! HA! Kidding. Until later...

Problem with K2

2008-04-12T10:57:00.005-05:00

K2 was rushed to the hospital last night by ambulance. All is well, so do not worry. She is now home and fine. The poor little thing is only 9 months old.

We received a phone call about 8 last night saying that K2 had been taken to the hospital by ambulance because she had a seizure and her daddy went with her. We heard her screaming in the background. The conversation was in Laotian, but even I KNEW something wasn't right so I was getting myself ready to leave as soon as H got off the phone. They needed us to pick up Mommy and K and take them to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital, she was crying but no longer screaming. While we were there, they had to prick her heel to get blood for testing. Poor thing did NOT like that AT ALL. I went to her and smoothed the hair on her head while they were taking blood. I also made soothing sounds to her and she stopped crying (after a while) while they were drawing blood. After they left, I hummed Brahm's Lullaby and she actually fell asleep. She even slept through the buzzing of the machine when her IV drip was done. They came in, refilled it, and left while she slept through the whole thing.

At that point, we didn't know how long before the doctor came in and released her or told us what was wrong. We took K into the waiting room so he wouldn't have to be still, wouldn't get in the way, and wouldn't have to be quiet.

We were finally able to leave the hospital around midnight. K2 has pneumonia. She had the seizure because her temperature got too high. Poor little thing. She is now at home with prescriptions to help get rid of the infection and keep her temperature out of the danger zone.

Needless to say, I cried in the car all the way to the hospital. I think of her and K as our kids. H does as well. They are the closest we will EVER have to children of our own. We can't help that. These are the niece and nephew that live closest to us. We see them almost every weekend. They will know us as they grow up. We will always be there for them. We can't do that for my brother's children because they live on the other side of the country. I don't know that they will ever want us to be part of their lives.

Anyway, I'm tired as hell today. We didn't get home until after 1 this morning, but I don't regret a minute of it. I'll be there every time they call. And they know it.

TGIF!!!

2008-04-11T17:25:00.003-05:00

WooHoo! It's FRIDAY!

I think I need to make something clear. The haircut in the most recent pictures on my SparkPage are NOT my latest haircut. That is the cut before this newest. The newest cut is the CUTEST!!! It's also the one I love. :-)

You all have been fantastic in encouraging me to keep going. You have been a GREAT help to keep me motivated.

Guess what? I found something else to motivate me as well. My college alma mater is taking a trip to Ireland in October. H and I will be going. WooHoo! I have 21 pounds to lose between now and then. We are using this trip to reward ourselves for a year of healthier choices (Aug '07 to Aug '08). I'm also going to use this trip to celebrate getting to my goal. There's no reason I can't make my goal by that time.

I'm excited. The trip will take us into Shannon. From there, we will be traveling to Killarney and Kilkenney with side trips to Blarney, Kinsale, and Dublin. I've never been out of North America (I'm not counting the cruise from hell that took us to South America since we didn't really see anything except the shore from the bow of the ship). We've been to Canada a few times, but that's been about it in regards to traveling outside the USA. I can't wait. I'm waiting for my boss to sign off on my vacation time before I call and pay the deposit for the trip. I should have those days approved next week.

I can't wait to go shopping for smaller clothes for the trip.

I'll let y'all know when I get pictures of my latest hairstyle up and running. I'll even try to post it here. Keep your fingers crossed.

Until later...

Monday Down..

2008-04-07T22:17:00.002-05:00

So, Monday is down and there are 4 more days to work this week. Work is kind of slow. Thankfully, I can cruise the Internet while I'm working without worrying about getting into trouble. That's a first for me when it comes to jobs. Not too shabby.

In regards to the haircut, it is like Paige Davis' short cut (only cuter). Mine is a little shorter in the back, still more layers, and they all do the flippy thing. Picture Meg Ryan in Courage Under Fire only with more layers (like this one and this one only mine is darker, fuller on top, a touch longer in the back with flippy ends, and more layers - all of which do the flippy thing).

Anyway, so those pictures are really close to my haircut.

I have put pictures on my SparkPage if you'd like to see them. It's much easier to put pictures on that page because I can upload them directly from my computer instead of having to post them on the web somewhere first. Anyway, there is one before photo and two recent pictures. I also blogged on that page about my feelings when I posted those photos.

Hope you all have a great week. Until later...

Jackpot!!!

2008-04-04T16:56:00.006-05:00

I must have the PERFECT hairstyle for my face and weight right now. Why? I'm glad you asked. I'll be happy to tell you. EVERY.SINGLE. PERSON in my office complimented me on my hair today. That has NEVER happened. Even SUB said it was really cute. WooHoo! I guess that means I'll have to post before and after photos (actually, that means I need to figure out how to do that) so y'all can see.

She (meaning the hairdresser) called the hairstyle the "Paige Davis" - you know, from Trading Spaces. I showed her a bunch of pictures from hairstyle magazines and noticed that every picture was actually the same hairstyle just tweaked one way or another. I told her exactly what I was looking for in a hairstyle and she said she could put her own spin on the "Paige Davis" to make it perfect for me. I have to say; though, last night I Googled Paige Davis and my hair looks SOOO much BETTER than hers. :-)

I've found my new hair cut. Neener Neener Neener!! Even MIO complimented me - of course, he did it after everyone else, but by the look on his face, he noticed when he first walked in the door. I think he felt uncomfortable saying anything in case it wasn't PC. WooHoo! I must be looking C-U-T-E!!

I guess I'm definitely going to have to give in and post pictures of myself. I want NO bad things said when I do (that's one reason I haven't posted pictures before now - that and the fact that I don't know how). :-)

Have a great weekend. TGIF!! Until later...
k

So, I Guess My SIL Really Has NOTHING to Worry About. :-)

2008-04-03T23:09:00.001-05:00

Created by OnePlusYou

The Blogosphere ROCKS!!!

2008-04-03T11:16:00.002-05:00

Thanks for your hugs, understanding, encouragement, and love! One thing I have really loved about having this blog is getting to know people like you and finding out that I'm not the only one with a family like mine. It's amazing to me how lonely I was growing up (actually until I met H) thinking that I was the only person that dealt with these issues. I started my blog so that those that come AFTER me will realize they aren't alone in their struggles; and instead, I'm finding that I'm not alone in mine.

The Blogosphere ROCKS!! My day did get better. Have a great rest of the week. I'm getting my hair cut later today. I'm not quite sure how it's going to be cut yet. I'm thinking about just telling her what I would like out of my hairstyle and let her do whatever she thinks would look best on me and meet my criteria.

What is my criteria you ask?

1. Looks good on me with my face shape and current weight. The biggest problem I have right now is that I don't see the real me unless I'm looking at a picture of me. That makes it difficult to fix my hair in the morning. What looks great on the person in the mirror looks terrible on the person in the picture (which is what everyone else sees).
2. I want it to be easy. I take maybe 10 minutes on my hair in the morning and that includes blow drying it. I just never learned how to play with my hair or how to fix it to complement me to the best advantage. I need this taken care of for me by having a cut I can easily maintain and control.
3. It needs to be feminine.
4. I'd like it to be somewhat sexy.
5. fit my age
6. fit my lifestyle
7. It doesn't have to be too conservative.
8. I really do just want a change that will look smashing on me. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.
9. Something that will make someone take a second look without being flashy or over the top.
10.Something that will convey the inner me that has all the confidence in the world. I'm trying to find her again. I don't care if my thinking has to catch up to my look. I'm tired of the me I am currently portraying to the world. You know...the person that is insecure.

Until later...
K

Happy Hump Day!!

2008-04-02T15:45:00.003-05:00

Happy Hump Day, Y'all! Aren't you glad you stopped by? The answer here is YES! Damn it!

Anyway, things really haven't been bugging me much lately. Life is good. I have no complaints. I do however have something I noticed today - not that it's bugging me. It just shows how I rate with my sister-in-law (M - I think is how she's on my sidebar - it's been such a long time since I've been hurt by her, that I really couldn't tell ya - yeah, don't have that much interaction anymore). So, I visit her website almost every day to see if she's posted any new pictures of my brother, herself, or the niece and nephews. On her sidebar is a list of her friends and family that also have blogs. I'm not mentioned. I guess my blog isn't CC (Christian Correct) for her (as opposed to PC - politically correct). Anyway, just a small slight; but yet another reason I don't feel the love from that part of my family. I'm sure she knows that I visit the site. I do leave comments from time to time. I do scroll down on her page and look the whole site over.

If someone clicks on my name when I leave a comment, they're going to come here anyway. I guess she's come here once or twice - which was enough for her to know she doesn't want her true friends or her family coming here. Maybe that's it. Maybe she's only listing her family members (since I'm the only one in G's family that blogs). Who knows. I'm not upset. Maybe a little hurt. It's not like she's made a big effort to get to know me. I've given up calling except on G's birthday because I can't afford to be the only one to make phone calls. I didn't even get a phone call from G on my last birthday until Mom or Dad called him to remind him. Remember, they ALL forgot me on my birthday last year. Yeah, I'm not bitter. I have nothing to be hurt about. WHATEVER!

If I treated them half the way they treat me, they'd understand my hurt; but I don't, so they have no clue to how hurt they've made me over the years. Maybe I am a bit bitter and still letting all that crap hurt me. Maybe I need to just post all the crap in one place so I can let it go. I don't know. Honestly, I thought I let it all go until I started typing.

I was the only bridesmaid that didn't know anyone else in the party. She went out the night before the wedding with her bridal party (but I wasn't invited). Grant it, she had never met me before that day, so I do understand not being invited; but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. Yeah, that still hurts the most. I would have understood her at least telling me about it and saying that she didn't think I would enjoy it since it was her childhood friends. I would have understood. I probably would have told her she'd have more fun without me since we didn't know each other. I'm NOT about to push myself on someone who doesn't want me around or doesn't know me and it was the night before her wedding. I'm not stupid. I know she would have rather spent it with her friends than trying to make me feel comfortable. Neither one of us would have been comfortable. It's just the THOUGHT. The next day, she and her friends were telling inside jokes from the night before. Yeah, I felt really good that day, too; but it WASN'T my day. I GET that. It just would have been nice to have been given the niceties. Maybe she was afraid that I would accept an invitation to spend time with her and her friends. Um, maybe on another day. I would have LOVED to have spent time with her and gotten to know her better; but I've never been given the opportunity. I've always wanted a sister. Now I have a sister that really seems to want nothing to do with me.

Okay, crying now, so I'm stopping. I hope y'all have a great day. Don't worry about me. I guess I'm not completely over this stuff yet like I thought I was. Sorry for the rant, that's just how it all came out and I refuse to go back and delete the whole post now. It's just part of who I am. Deal with it or don't. I'm used to people making those two decisions when it comes to me. My family chooses the "don't" H's family chooses the "do". The choice is yours, but this is me and I refuse to live my life any longer the way I think any other person expects me to.

Until later....

K

April Goals

2008-04-01T16:02:00.001-05:00

My goals for this month are:

1. Lose 5 Pounds by April 29 (my weigh in date). This is equivalent to a little more than 1 pound a week.

2. Go to Curves 3x a week. I've GOT to do this. I'm paying for it and haven't even been there since Feb. 11. SHAME on me!!

3. The 4 days I don't go to Curves, I will get on my elliptical trainer for at least 200 steps.

I have been extremely lax the past two weeks. I've actually gained a pound each week for the past two weeks. I think I lost a bit of my motivation. I've been changing my eating habits and losing weight since August of last year. I think my body and brain just needed a bit of a break.

I am back on track today and posting my goals here will help make me more accountable. I hope! That's my plan anyway. I've also joined 2 challenges this month on SparkPeople.

The first challenge is with Fabulous, Fun, and Forty Something. For this challenge, I have to post each day in the challenge forum, and huddle each day. These are both done with a partner. If both people do these, our team gets 1 point. We also get 1 point for every pound we lose this month.

The second challenge is with W8W Friends. On this challenge, we get a point a day for the following:
tracking food
each activity point (up to 4 per day)
eating 5 fruits/veggies
getting in our Healthy Oil
2 milk servings per day

We get 2 points per day for drinking 8 glasses of water, 5 points per WEEK for blogging on our Spark People blog, and 3 points for commenting on a teammate or other spark member blog each day (max of 21 per week).

These should both keep me on track for this month.

So, what are your goals for the month of April? Until later...

TGIF!!!

2008-03-28T18:37:00.002-05:00

WooHoo! It's Friday. Sorry I haven't been around lately. I've been catching up on my reading and haven't been online much once I get home from work.

Things are going well. No complaints except my allergies are killing me and I didn't have the time to get my allergy shots this week. I've got a headache, stuffed nose, itchy eyes, and I'm tired as hell all because of my allergies. At least I now know that three weeks is too long to go without getting my shots. They wanted me to try to go longer in between my shots. They want to get me to the point to where I am getting my shots just once a month. I'm obviously not quite there yet, but hopefully one day I will be.

H and I took Grandma out to dinner earlier this week. She's been in town for about a month now and will probably be here until May. We took her to Olive Garden and had a great time with her. We're going to pick her up tomorrow morning around 9. There's a Russell Stover outlet store about 30 minutes away that we're going to take her to. I asked her if she wanted to go out to breakfast with us and she said she's been craving Hardee's bisquits and gravy. So, guess where we're taking her for breakfast? Yep, McDonald's. HA! Kidding! We're going to Hardee's. We'll probably also take her to lunch after the candy store.

Hmmm. Healthier eating + Russell Stover = nothing good for me except weight gain (especially after adding in Hardee's and lunch). Good thing I love that old lady. I'd do anything for her and she knows it. She's been my rock my entire life. She's been the ONE person who has always believed in me and been on my side no matter what. I think I'm going to be lost when she passes away. Good thing she's in good health. I just can't imagine a time when she isn't in my life.

Tuesday, I will finally be getting a new phone. We can upgrade on Tuesday. I've been waiting months to get a new phone. I've been through two damn phones because the batteries aren't holding a charge. I inadvertently messed up the batteries becasue of my name tag for work. The name tag has a huge (and extremely strong) magnet. Sadly, it took two phones before I realized what was causing the problem. Now, I have a name tag in my glove compartment and a name tag in my desk at work.

I'm looking at Samsung's M520. Do any of you have this phone? Have you heard anything about this phone? What do you think?

Hope you all have a great weekend. I'll be more consistent in my blogging. I swear! Some day! Until later...

Let’s play Family Feud!

2008-03-22T19:25:00.002-05:00

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY ANSWERS!!!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

1. Name something you use in the shower.
Razor
2. Name something a football player wears as his uniform.
Helmet
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield.
Bird Droppings
4. Name something a man might buy before a date?
After Shave
5. What’s another word for blemish?
Zit
6. Something you’d cook in the microwave?
Popcorn
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving?
Sofa
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman.
She’s more mature
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner.
Humping the Leg of Guests
10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for.
Fertility
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
Cooking?
12. Name a phrase with the word ‘Home’ in it?
Home is where the heart is.
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth?
Hockey
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student’s day?
Not let students know they’ve cancelled class
15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
Blood Shot eyes
16. Name something found under a car?
The Ground
17. Name a bird you wouldn’t want to eat?
Penguin
18. Name something that gets folded?
Paper Airplanes
19. Name a reason not to be asked on a second date.
No chemistry
20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it?
Pad of Sticky Notes

Have fun! Let me know if you've done this so I can check out your answers. Until later...

A Soldier Returns

2008-03-20T09:14:00.003-05:00

I have to say that THIS POST by Miss Sniz about the return of her brother from Iraq made me cry.

I was going to do a meme I found online today, but will save that for another day. I think it's extremely important to give our military the respect, honor, and thanks that they so richly deserve.

Until later...

Happy Hump Day!!

2008-03-19T10:12:00.004-05:00

WooHoo! I remembered! I hope you're all having a great day. I have lost 2 pounds this past week. WooHoo! I now have just 16 pounds left to my goal weight. Wow! I didn't realize how close I am until I wrote that last sentence. I have currently lost a total of 38 pounds. Wow! I didn't realize THAT either! What a shock! I've lost almost 40 pounds, People, by doing NOTHING but eating healthier. That just goes to show just how unhealthy fast food really is for a person's body. I just can't get over that. I still haven't made exercise a habit. I'm actually lucky at this point to exercise once a week (I don't count playing with the nephew or parking farther away exercise in this regard - although to get a sticker at my WWAWP meeting I sure did count those activities because it was more than normal and they say every little bit counts). :-) Anything for a sticker. LOL

I'm thinking of going to Wally World at lunch today (if the rain lets up). I have been fighting with my PJs for the past week and am having a hell of a time sleeping and staying asleep all night because of them. I also need to buy one more pair of nice dress slacks for work. My 14s are extremely loose on me and they're looking pretty bad. I have one pair of 14s that look pretty good, but they aren't slacks so I don't want to push it wearing them (or ones similar every day to work). I still can't go by sizes as all manufacturers are different. I've even found a difference in the same manufacturer from one item to the next (even if they're both pants or sweaters). It's ridiculous. I may also pick up one pair of shorts for the weekend or nice warm spring days. If they're nice enough, I can actually wear them to work, too. I also want to pick up a gradual tanning lotion of some sort. I've heard that those made by Oil of Olay, Dove, and Jergens are pretty good.

Here's yet another online quiz I took today. :-) Come on, I know you've missed seeing them on my blog. I just know it!

What Kari (insert middle and last names here) Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.

You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.

You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.

You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you.

You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night.

Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Have a great rest of the week. Until later...

Arrested for Muscular Dystrophy

2008-03-14T19:17:00.002-05:00

I will be arrested on April 30 to benefit the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Thankfully I have the opportunity to raise my bail money before my arrest. My bail is set at $1200.

Please don’t leave me in jail! :-) To put money toward my bail and to help fight muscular dystrophy, please visit this link. Every little bit helps and would be greatly appreciated.

I hope you’re having a great day. Thanks in advance for whatever you can contribute to this worthy cause.

TGIF!!!

By the way, I thought you'd like to know that my blood work from my physical last week came back. My cholesterol is 180. I am now in the normal range. WooHoo! I was borderline high last August. They said that my good cholesterol is high and my bad cholesterol is low (which is the way it should be). This all happened just by changing my eating habits. That's amazing! The doctor told me to keep doing what I'm doing because it's GREAT!! I just thought I'd let you know. I'm thinking about leaving this post up for a while so that it gets much attention. Jerry's Kids need all the help they can get.

Have a GREAT weekend!
Until later...

Decison MADE!!

2008-03-12T19:17:00.002-05:00

I've noticed that I have been weighing the same EVERY morning for the past month. On top of that, my scales are correct because I weigh myself when I get home each week right after weigh in and my scale says the same thing the Weight Watcher scale says.

So, I weighed this morning. I weighed 163. This is where I have been every morning for about a month now. I tend to weigh more at night than I do in the morning, which is normal, because I eat during the day. Duh!

Anyway, I was trying to figure out today when my weight started being sooo different in the afternoon than it is in the morning. It started when I switched from the Points Program to the Core Program. I realized that when I was counting Points, I would eat extremely light meals all day until I weighed in. When I switched to Core, I stopped worrying about eating lighter foods on weigh in days and started eating healthier all day every day. It was very strange to me how my weight fluctuated. I even mentioned it to my leader and she said that eventually, the evening scale weight would match the morning. I knew it wasn't my scale because I would weigh myself once I got home AFTER my weekly weigh in and my scales were dead on with their scales.

Obviously, I must have hit some sort of plateau since my morning weight has stayed the same. I just didn't realize it because my afternoon weight continued to fluctuate. I guess this means I really need to add exercise to my routine. :-( DAMN IT!!! I've only exercised for the past week and a half (and not consistently), so I highly doubt the weight gain of last week was due to added muscle. I really didn't do much - only 100-200 steps on an elliptical. I'm lazy that way. Hahaha! And I ate a lot of bad foods this past week. Cake, cookies, full-fat dressings, that sort of thing.

Now that I am no longer going to Weight Watcher meetings, I am weighing IN THE MORNING! When I weigh LESS! WooHoo!!! :-) That takes my total weightloss to 36 pounds from the morning I started (8-28-07) until now. Wow! I just can't believe I lost that much weight and that I lost it JUST by changing what I eat. This is with NO exercise. I'm shocked! Happy, but shocked!

I hope you all have a great week! I'm back on track and looking forward. By the way...Happy Hump Day!!! Until later...

Update

2008-03-11T20:07:00.000-05:00

So...weigh in was this afternoon. From last week, I am up 1.8 pounds. dam it!

I was actually thinking I would have gained more than that. Glad I didn't. Anyway... I know that I weigh much less in the morning than I do after a whole day (usually 4-6 pounds). Starting tomorrow, I am continuing this weightloss journey without Weight Watchers (keep your fingers crossed for me) and will be weighing in on Wednesday morning. As of this morning, I weighed 163, but on the scale tonight, I weighed 169. That's normal for me in a day. I will be posting my morning weight tomorrow and will be starting from there. It's always bothered me that I weigh so much more at night because my weightloss has never really caught up to my actual numbers. Starting tomorrow, that will no longer be a problem.

I'm keeping to the schedule I've had for the past 6 months where Wednesday starts my week. The only difference is that I will be weighing in on Wednesday morning instead of Tuesday night.

Have a GREAT week! Until later...

I was RIGHT!!!

2008-03-10T18:00:00.003-05:00

I went to the OB/GYN today. Not the same one I went to in November. I had my normal exam since the other one would not do it while I was there. To catch up, please see this post and this post.

At my appointment today, I asked about the biopsy and caught her up to speed on all the symptoms I had BEFORE my appointment with the other doctor. She said that I did the RIGHT thing by refusing the procedure. She said that everything looked good and there's no way she would recommend that procedure and thought it strange that the other doctor would even suggest it. I told her that my original appointment was in November and that they didn't schedule me for the biopsy until January. She said they would NOT have done that if they were really worried about uterine cancer.

Needless to say, I felt much better after this appointment this morning. She said everything looked great and I shouldn't worry about a thing. I think I've found my NEW OB/GYN. H feels so much better now that I've had the second opinion. He was extremely worried that I was blowing off a procedure that I really should have had.

Have a great week. Until later...

Our Weekend...(Continued)

2008-03-09T15:58:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, we thought we'd try a new restaurant (Pei Wei). We were NOT impressed. I don't know if it's because we're so spoiled with the way H's mom cooks or what, but we cannot find an Asian restaurant we like AT ALL if it isn't their restaurant. Right next door to Pei Wei is a bakery. We stopped in. BIG MISTAKE!!!

We bought 4 wedding cookies. They were soooo good. We also bought a mini carrot cake - my favorite, so I had to try it. It's amazing how sweet something is when you aren't used to it. I used to eat every bit of icing. I think I left half the icing on my plate this time (it could have just been because it wasn't cream cheese icing, but I left it all the same). This morning, I had a cinnamon roll we bought there. Now I know to only buy what I'm going to eat that day. I put the cinnamon roll in the microwave, but it was still dry. Now I know.

So, I really don't think I'll be losing weight this week. hahaha. Seriously! That's okay. I don't do this often and I know that I won't do this again anytime soon. One week won't kill me. It's one week out of my life journey. I'm okay with that.

I'm actually extremely surprised at how positive I've been taking these setbacks/circumstances. It seems as though I really have accepted this as a lifestyle change and with it being a lifestyle change, I know that one week or even one month is NOTHING compared to the rest of my life. Through these setbacks, I am learning. I'm learning what foods set me off, what feelings set me off, and I'm learning how to deal with those setbacks. I'm pretty impressed, surprised, and proud of myself for all of this.

Hope y'all have a great week. Until later…

Anniversary

2008-03-08T09:56:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of the day H and I took our wedding vows. Eleven years ago yesterday (also on a Friday), H and I went to the courthouse, got a marriage license, went to a justice of the peace, and got married...In.AN....APPLIANCE.STORE. That's right, you read me correctly. We got married by a justice of the peace in an appliance store. He offered us the gazebo across the street and I...TURNED...IT...DOWN~! Looking back now, I can't believe I did that. Obviously, when H and I got married, it didn't matter to me WHERE we got married. It only mattered WHO I married. We were married at the back counter by the cash register.

At least we have a VERY interesting story to tell. Too bad we have no children to tell the story to. I'll be sharing that story with K and K2 when they get older. For the whole story, read this post.

We spent the whole day together. I had a physical in the morning. H went with me. After that, we went out to breakfast. From there, we came home for about an hour then went to the theater. We saw Jumper. It was a pretty good movie. It had a sucky ending, but they left it open for a second installment. All in all, it was really good. From the movie, we went to our new outdoor mall. We went to Barnes and Noble and had an iced latte in the Starbucks and looked through a book or two. We ended up buying two books while we were there, Meditation for Dummies and Signing for Dummies. I've always wanted to learn meditation so I figured this book will help me. It also came with a CD with 10 guided meditations. The signing book we got because H and I would love to have a language we can "speak" to each other that others don't understand. He has this with his parents. Their native language is Laotian. I've known some sign language since I ws in junior high school. I've found myself wanting to say something to H when we've been out and it's been useless because he doesn't know the language. Now, we'll practice it together and it will be a lot of fun. Something we can do together.

After walking around the mall and buying the two books, we went to dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse. Their baby back ribs were amazing. They even gave us a free sundae because it was our anniversary. It was really good. It put tears in my eyes. I've been extremely emotional lately for some reason. Anyway, we had a great day. I can't believe we've been married for 11 years. It really doesn't seem like we've been together that long. We're really looking forward to the next 11 years together. Until later...

As Much as I Would Love to be a Mom...

2008-03-08T09:49:00.003-06:00

You don’t realize how much NOT being a parent bothers you until you’re around a bunch of kids and you really can’t leave the situation. I didn’t realize how much I shy away from children. H even mentioned last week that I do that at times with K and K2. I didn’t realize I did that and especially not that I do that with my niece and nephew.

Today, we had all the children from our office in around 2:00 and they stayed until the work day ended at 4:30. I finally went back to my desk at 4 when I had an excuse to get back to answer the phones because everyone was now over in the other building. We had two of BBs triplets, MBs adorable little boy, and a former worker’s little girl. I was okay for an hour and a half. After that, I started feeling my eyes tear up. As I walked from one building to the other, I started crying. I was definitely glad that I was the only person in the one building.

Anyway...Until later...

SparkPeople

2008-03-05T19:43:00.003-06:00

Y'all are so sweet. I've never thought of my weightloss journey as being inspirational to anyone. You guys are great! I'm glad that my journey is able to help someone else in some way.

By the way, if any of you come onto SparkPeople, mark the box that you were referred by someone and put down Floreeste. That's me and I'll get 10 whole points for each of you. :-) I'm all about the points, Folks.

Come join the fun. I'm finding that it's a great community. Everyone I've interacted with has been extremely helpful, motivating, and welcoming. I don't think any of you will be disappointed in any way.

Until later...

Happy Hump Day!!

2008-03-05T12:33:00.002-06:00

Last night was weigh in. I gained .6 pounds. I'm not beating myself up over it. I did everything right. I even had a few points left over. It's just one of those things.

Things I'm happy about this week:
1. I got on my elliptical 6 days out of the last 7! Woohoo!
2. Last night I did 200 steps (I had problems with my knee all day yesterday so I didn't want to push to the next 50)
3. I've gotten a LOT of great information, inspiration, and motivation from SparkPeople and SparkTeams!
4. I was finally motivated to exercise which is something I've been struggling with and unable to do since August of last year.

I'm debating about quitting my Weight Watcher At Work Program. Don't get me wrong, I'm still planning on losing weight and eating healthier. It's just that for the "at work" program, I have to pay for a 10 week session at the beginning (or in two payments). I've also found that I've gotten more motivation from SparkPeople than I have at my meetings each week. SparkPeople has also helped me get motivated to exercise (which y'all KNOW I've been struggling with THAT!). I never would have considered myself to be competitive, even though EVERYone in my family is, but it's interesting to see how much motivation I get from receiving a point or being able to check a box at the end of the day.

What are your thoughts on this? Until later, my bloggy friends...

YOU ROCK!!!

2008-03-03T15:14:00.001-06:00

Thanks so much for all your support during my weight loss journey. As I type this, I am 31 pounds lighter than I was on August 28, 2007 when this journey began. Hopefully, I am actually lighter than that but my weigh in isn’t until tomorrow afternoon and you know that I WILL keep you informed.

Through this process of losing weight and working on myself, I am realizing that I do tend to thrive on the comments, thoughts, support, and acceptance of others. I never realized the extent positive feedback was needed in my mind. I am really realizing that at work. I work in an office with 5 ladies and 1 man. Only one person in the whole office EVER mentions anything about my weight loss. I no longer even update the rest of them on my progress and usually only mention it to the one after she’s asked me or commented on how “skinny” I look. I still don’t think I look skinny, but I’ll take that compliment ANY day. I don’t expect to hear anything from the dude in our office. I understand that he could feel uncomfortable or that it could be construed incorrect. I understand that and actually respect him a bit more because of it. Maybe I’m giving him too much credit. Maybe he doesn’t even notice. LOL

Anyway, I would have thought that any of the other women would have at least said something by now. I’m also realizing that their not asking me to lunch has NOTHING to do with me being on Weight Watchers. I know this because one of the other women in my office has joined my Tuesday meeting, but they still ask her to go. She also doesn’t EVER talk about how things are going for her in regards to the program. I understand that this is definitely a personal issue, but since she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me about it, I don’t want to go on and on about my progress. I’ll ask how she’s doing and she’ll say fine and leave it at that. I can deal with that. She never asks how I’m doing or if I had a rough weekend. Whatever! Maybe she isn’t really following the program and doesn’t want me to know that. I can handle that.

These situations have made me realize just how much YOU mean to me and my weight loss. I need acceptance. I need to be told that I’m doing a great job. I need to know that it makes a difference to someone BESIDES me. I guess that makes me a bit selfish, needy, and dependent; but I guess I just have to accept that part of myself as well as the rest. You guys (and gals) are GREAT! Thanks again for all the support and encouragement. I’ve needed that more than you’ll EVER know.

Until later...

Walk Like an.....Elephant?

2008-03-01T20:06:00.002-06:00

I must be a heavy walker. I don't know. My office is in a house and it always sounds like an elephant is walking around whenever I walk down the hallway. I've lost 31 pounds. You'd think I'd start to sound like a giraffe or something smaller than an elephant by now. Nope! Not the case. I guess I'll always be a heavy walker. Oh well.

I have been trying my best to get on my elliptical trainer (demonic machine) at least for a few minutes every day. I'm counting steps instead of minutes because it will be easier to push myself 25+ steps than to say I'll stay on for 5 more minutes. I'm doing pretty well for someone with arthritis and born without a hip socket. I was able to up my steps by 25 tonight and it's only been the 4th time I've been on the machine. WooHoo!

Hope y'all have a great rest of the weekend. Until later...

Where's a Remote When You Need One

2008-02-28T19:08:00.004-06:00

At work, we've been having problems with our toilet. Because of this, we have been unable to use the faucets or bathroom in this house (our office is in a house). Thankfully, our House/Office is right next door to another, so we can go there to use the bathroom whenever needed.

They had jackhammers, a back hoe, who knows what else going today. They made all sorts of racket. When I got back from lunch today, it was the loudest it had been all day.

I started looking around my desk. I stopped to figure out what exactly I was looking for. It didn't take me long to realize that I was....Looking. For. A. Remote. Control. to turn down the noise. :-) I couldn't believe it. It's amazing the things you rely on without even realizing it.

In other news, I have found a new website that is very motivating in regards to allowing me to keep track of my eating, exercise, and a LOT of forums to get support in losing weight. Have you heard of SparkPeople? It's absolutely AMAZING! I found the site Wednesday morning and I can't seem to quit. As a matter of fact, because of this site, the goals I have set, and the fact that this site keeps me accountable in ways I NEVER imagined I have been on my elliptical trainer TWO. DAYS. IN A ROW! Can you believe it? I was shocked. All because I get points for reaching my goals each day. What good are the points? What are they good for? For me, they are worth a LOT because they motivate me to do what nothing else has been able to do. I exercised 2 days in a row. I am so excited about it.

I am going to keep up this blog even though I will be also blogging over there regarding my weight loss journey. I will also keep y'all updated over here. Please feel free to visit my SparkPage and leave notes or whatever you feel like doing. By the way, there are pictures over there. :-) Let me know if you have trouble seeing my SparkPage. I can't imagine that only SparkPeople members can see these pages so you'll have to let me know.

Wow! I didn't realize that I haven't blogged on here since Friday, I guess I have a bit to catch up on.

Things I'm thankful for this past week:
1. I LOST 1.6 pounds this past week. WooHoo! That takes my total weight loss to 31 pounds.
2. I'm glad that I found SparkPeople.
3. We went to 3 Predator games last week or was that the week before? My days are starting to run together.

Have a great rest of the week. Until later...

OOPS!

2008-02-22T17:16:00.001-06:00

My bad!

I just realized that I didn't post about Wednesday and the trash issue. :-) So, here it is.

The other night (Wednesday), it was used paper plates, bowls, and plastic utensils on top of the stove. I couldn’t figure out why he can put the empty items on the stove instead of taking One.More.Step to put it in the trash. When I bitched about it (and you know I did - sorry), he said it was because the trash was full. I then had to tell him that I was able to put every.single.piece in the trash so it wasn’t THAT full.

So, that's the rant I forgot to post. Sorry. :-)

TGIF!!

2008-02-22T15:33:00.005-06:00

**LLLOONNGGG post ahead. Be warned!

I’m so glad it’s Friday. I am completely worn out. H and I have been to see the Predators play hockey 3 days in the last 7. We went Saturday with my parents (win), Tuesday with K (win in the last 3 minutes), and last night (lost in the shootout). Not too shabby, but damn! I’m getting old. I can’t keep up this pace anymore. H was going to look into getting us tickets for tomorrow’s game. You know I’m getting old when I told him I’d rather stay home, rest, and catch up on sleep.

I haven’t posted in a while, so let me catch you all up.

Friday night through Monday morning – we had a pretty good visit with my folks. It was definitely one of our better visits (except for the stupid argument over college bowl games). Dad and H are both stubborn and won’t give up until they either prove their point or are proven wrong. It kind of pissed me off – to the point that when dad left, he apologized for the arguing. Whatever! What really chapped my butt about the whole thing is that H and I have been following college football for the past 8 years because he’s been in a pool at his work. Dad only remembers what was going on before 8 years ago. Needless to say, H and I were right, dad was wrong, and I shut up about half-way through the argument because I just wanted it to stop. Because my parents are who they are, we ended up eating all our meals OUT!

Tuesday – I had my weigh in as usual and we were going to see the Predators for the second time in 4 days. I was debating on skipping the weigh in since I knew the scale would probably not be in my favor due to all the eating out and snacking at the house. Sadly, I talked mom into going to her weigh in Tuesday morning, so it wasn’t fair that I didn’t go to mine. Mom gained 2 pounds last week. I gained .6 so I was actually pretty pleased. I didn’t do as badly as I expected. The Predator game was great. I love when we play a Canadian team. The game seems super-charged, our guys skate much faster, and there is ALWAYS at least 1 fight. I’m never disappointed. K had been sick late last week and he still wasn’t feeling completely himself during the game. He just wasn’t as talkative as he normally is and he was ready to go almost as soon as the third period started.

Wednesday – A night at home. H stopped at the grocery store and brought home rotisserie chicken, pasta salad, a broccoli salad, and a potato salad. Dinner was great! Sadly, I have used the majority of my points for the week. I’m starting to have a rough week emotionally. I snapped at H over something extremely silly (I can say that now, but at the time, it really pissed me off – if you’ll remember, it’s the trash issue I have already written about).

Thursday – another Predator game. WooHoo! That’s now 3 games in 6 days. I was a side-seat driver all night. Unfortunately, it bugs the shit out of H. I really don’t mean to do it. It just happens before I realize I’m going to say anything. He looked at me and asked if I took my DAM today. Yep! Being “off” sure does make things tough around our house (okay, maybe just around me). What’s really strange is that I don’t realize that’s my problem until it’s too late, I’ve already snapped at you, or a few days have passed. I don’t understand how I can’t know that’s my problem before it gets to that point or even during the situation so I can at least shut my big mouth. Being “off” sure does explain a LOT this week (and by this week, I really mean since Wednesday – has it only been 3 days?). Anyway, the Pred game was great. K really got into it this time. He must be feeling much better. He was so funny during both games. He would sit up in his chair and lean on me. I would put my arm behind him and he would just relax against me. I loved it! What’s funny is that if I were to move my arm from behind him, he would lean heavier on my side so I knew he enjoyed sitting close to me. He was cheering more during this game and just making nonsense noise. It was great! It was “college night” at the game which meant all beer and sodas were $2 through the first intermission. H decided he’d drink a beer early in the first period. Fine, no big deal. About an hour later, H said something to K and K stopped him. K said, “Kuncle, I brush my teeth every day.” He then opened his mouth and pointed to his teeth. H looks in his mouth and says good job or something to that effect. K looked at H and said, “Kuncle, you should brush your teeth, too.” HAHAHA! Cracked me up. He obviously didn’t like H’s beer breath. Out of the mouths of babes. By the way, at the end of this day, I have used ALL 35 of my “weekly points allowance” and it’s only day 2. I am so screwed this week.

Friday – Crossing Bitch is at it again (that’s my new name for her). Other than that, I’m feeling pretty good today. I’m a bit tired, but I actually felt more tired on Wednesday, so I’m good. I think H was right when he said I seemed “off” yesterday. I’ve been getting choked up over the stupidest things today. I’ve also come to some realizations, so it isn’t all bad, but still. It’s kind of rough.

Okay, so the crap that went on today. First of all, Crossing Bitch did it again! I was going 15 mph (I know because I kept my eyes on my speedometer). As I got closer to her, but still a bit away, 4 kids cross the street (about 10-15 steps FROM.THE.CROSSWALK) while their dad watched. I was driving up to them and slowed down because I had a feeling they were going to cross right there instead of taking the few extra steps to the Crossing Bitch – I would have done anything to avoid her, too, but that’s beside the point. I was right, they crossed right there. The dad should have made them walk to the crosswalk. It’s there for their safety! DUH! So, I’m now driving 5 mph and I stop before I get to them so as to not run the little lawbreakers over like the good citizen/driver that I am (and why didn’t the crossing guard get on the dad for that instead of getting on me? That’s what I’d REALLY like to know). When the kids were completely across the street and they were far enough from the curb that I knew they weren’t going to run back across, I start moving again. 5 mph. At that point, Crossing Bitch has the NERVE, the AUDACITY, the GALL to tell me to slow down. Hell, Woman! If I slow down any farther, I’d be parked! Then she waves her hand at me and says “thanks” like she really appreciated me pretty much stopping when I was going 5 mph. Damn I’m starting to really dread seeing that woman. You know, just because my car is red does not mean I automatically speed. I wish she’d just get a policeman out there with a radar gun (they’ve been there before) so he can tell her that I’m. NOT. SPEEDING!

On another note, I have come to the realization that work relationships don’t really bother me unless I’m “off” and/or I’m out of balance. I’ve realized that today, because I got a bit miffed and hurt today over something that’s been going on for the past 6 months and it hasn’t bothered me until today. What happened? I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you...

EA goes to lunch around 11:30. I go to lunch between 12:45 and 1:00. Everyone else goes to lunch somewhere between those times. Lately, the women in my office have been going close to 12:30. What does this mean? It means, they could ask me to join them and when EA gets back from her lunch, I could meet them ANYWHERE they want to go. Do they ask me to join them? Nope! Do they even tell me they’re going to lunch? Not today. What’s worse about today is that it wasn’t just the two single girls (SUB and NGIO). MB and BB went with them. All four of them. They left 5 minutes before EA was scheduled back from lunch. Am I feeling left out today? Damn skippy! Obviously, I’m feeling “off” because it really bothered me. I started wondering why they go to lunch without bothering to ask me, EA, or MIO. Grant it, EA goes before they decide and MIO usually goes early and with some of the guys in his fraternity (he’s their advisor, so they go out quite a bit). That only leaves me for them to ask to join them. Do they? No. I don’t get it. Obviously, I don’t fit in for some reason, but heck if I know why. It seems I don’t have much to say to any of them anyway, so it really shouldn’t bother me – which leads me to believe, it only bothers me when I’m “struggling” or it would have bothered me for the past 6 months, too. I have joined in on some of their conversations and it seems I sometimes say things that cause an awkward silence (usually it has to do with my family - imagine that!). I’m sorry if my family wasn’t as loving as yours or that I didn’t feel loved or comfortable in my family as you all seem to in yours. I don’t really go into a lot of details; it’s usually just a comment here or there. Is that what’s ostracized me from the group (that’s how I feel sometimes)?

During lunch today, I was close to tears and that pissed me off, too. I actually couldn’t figure out what I wanted for lunch because I wanted “comfort food” but knew I shouldn’t eat it. I took a salad with me to work today, but didn't eat it. I knew the reasoning behind the action (this time anyway). I went to Krystal and got 2 chiks with cheese and a small fry. Yep! Ate it all. Could I kick myself now for it? Not really. I know that I’m going to have those moments. It’s inevitable especially since I battle depression. I actually felt good in the fact that I recognized what I was doing. I actually made a conscious decision and was in control instead of just finding something without realizing the “why” behind it. That’s a big step forward for me, so I’m happy with that progress at least even if I still allowed the poor decision.

I can tell that I’m “off” today. Being close to tears is one sign, feeling left out is another, but the clincher for me is the fact that I contemplated canceling dining out plans with H. It’s always during those times that I want to hide in my house and not come out. I am not going to cancel. I’m going to force myself to go and enjoy being with him. I need to get control over my “hermititis” (hermit-itis) instead of letting my emotional state keep me hidden and in my own cocoon. Sometimes I think my cocoon is worse for me than just facing the world and to hell with it. It’s just hard sometimes to not let the depression take over.

Now that I’m thinking a little bit more clearly, I realize that I really don’t have a lot in common with the majority of people I work with. SUB and NGIO are both single and in their 30’s. They feel as though they are going to be single forever and never find love. I kind of understand not wanting to spend a lot of time around a happily married person who is just a few years older than them but married for 11 years (especially a melancholy one that seemed to snag a man when they can’t – I get the jealousy. Haha...kidding). MB and BB have both only been married for about 3 years (tops). They both have little ones. MB has a one-year old. BB just had triplets last October (no drugs involved - all natural). They have their own worlds and problems that I just don’t understand and never will except for what I have experienced with K and K2. I get it. The only person I really have anything in common with is EA who is 69 years old this year. She’s been married since forever and has a son my age. Sadly, she is the closest to me in terms of life experience.

Even knowing all of this, I’d still like to know why I don’t fit in. I guess I may never know and I’ll probably always be an outsider. I always have been, so I don’t understand why I haven’t just accepted it before now. It is my way of life. It seems to be this way everywhere I’ve worked. I’m the only common denominator in all those jobs, so it has to be something with me, but I can’t figure it out. I tend to hide my feelings, but I do always try to have a smile on my face and you’d probably never guess I’m melancholy if you weren’t around me 24-7. Is that the deal? People think I’m “fake” in some way? Is it my depression holding me back and pushing people away? I do have my bad days, I am melancholic after all, but I try not to let it show at work. I try to keep my personal problems away from the office. Just because you see a smile on my face and hear a laugh from my mouth does not mean I’m not crying, or screaming for that matter, on the inside. Why can’t I just be accepted for who I am? I didn’t realize that was such a difficult thing for people. It must be, though, because I’m utterly stumped and constantly eating lunch alone. Oh well, I’m done bitching. I’m tired of dwelling on the crap I'm feeling today. I’m tired of feeling left out. I need to become my own best friend and find something to do during lunch so I don’t feel so alone and left out.

I hope y’all have a great weekend. Until later...

To Answer a Few Questions

2008-02-19T14:21:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I have had a few questions regarding my "100 Random Things About Me" post.

First of all, I was surprised at just how easy it was to come up with 100 things. Grant it, I kind of felt like I cheated when I would technically have one thought but used up 3-4 numbers. :-) It made for a nice long list. If you need an example, check out numbers 1-8, 11-13, 15-18, 23-24, 27-29 (you get the idea). LOL

I actually didn't have to start thinking real hard about my list until around 82 (it ended up being #85 because I went back and added three higher in the list) when I said I was surprised I was able to come up with 82 things. I added those three higher because they happened to be about something I had already listed, so I thought I would be a bit organized about it (okay, so I'm anal - shut up!).

In regards to the "not wearing pants until I was 25" post, it was because I grew up in a church where it was taught that women "should not wear that which pertaineth to a man" and my church thought that meant women should not wear pants. I didn't wear pants until I started working in a warehouse - face it, wearing a skirt in a warehouse is just asking for all sorts of problems.

On another note, we're taking K to the Predator game tonight and also on Thursday. His dad is taking him on Saturday. That boy is racking up on Predator games this week. I'm really excited. I love to watch him at the game almost as much as I love watching the Preds.

Sorry I haven't been blogging the past few days. My folks have been in town which means I don't get to do hardly anything I would like to do. I haven't even kept up on your blogs, but I will be remedying that this week. I've missed you! Have a great week.

Until later...

All the Cool Kids are Doing it

2008-02-18T21:44:00.003-06:00

100 random facts about me:

1. I grew up in Southern California

2. I was born in Redondo Beach, CA

3. I lived quite a few years in Long Beach, CA

4. I never learned how to swim

5. I am actually afraid of water

6. I freak out when water gets in my ears and/or nose

7. ...even in the shower

8. ...or when at the hairdresser

9. I was a cheerleader in high school

10. I was MVP on our high school volleyball team 2 years in a row

11. I went to public school for only 3 1/2 years (kindergarten, first grade, last half of third, and fourth)

12. ...In those years, I went back and forth to 3 different schools four times

13. From fifth through my senior year of high school, I went to 6 different schools

14. I took guitar lessons for the first half of third grade

15. I took piano lessons off and on for 7 years

16. Last year, I gave away my piano

17. The piano I had since 5th grade

18. I gave it to a little girl who wanted to take piano lessons, but had no access to a piano

19. I am a TV junkie

20. I’ll watch just about anything on TV (ask H)

21. I’m a nerd (read “book whore”)

22. I’ve always wanted to have a room in my house designated as a “library”

23. H wants me to sell the majority of my books

24. I’d get rid of my shoes, jewelry, and make-up before I give up my books

25. I’m lazy

26. ...and I enjoy it

27. I have never been a girly girl

28. I’ve often wanted to be a girly girl

29. ...because I thought that was what was expected of me

30. I suffer from migraines

31. I am allergic to just about every known airborne allergen (including cigarette smoke, all tree pollens, grass, dust, pet dander, mold, etc.)

32. The only thing I’ve ever tried smoking was a cigar

33. H and I got married in an appliance store

34. We were offered the beautiful gazebo across the street for our wedding

35. I declined

36. We were married at the back counter next to the cash register (seriously)

37. We went to Tunica to gamble that weekend

38. We didn’t have a “honeymoon” trip until a year later

39. We went to Florida

40. The soles of my feet is the only place I am ticklish

41. I won’t stick my hand in the garbage disposal

42. I won’t kill any insect or bug except a spider

43. All others have to be killed by H

44. I love the smell of Sharpies in the morning (kidding about the morning part, but I do love the smell of sharpies)

45. The majority of my best friends growing up were guys

46. I’ve always gotten along better with guys than I have with girls

47. I think girls are too catty and bitchy

48. I really hate working in an all female office (right now, there’s only one guy in our office and I get along best with him and the 60-something year old woman)

49. I’ve always connected more with people younger or older than myself

50. I’ve never really connected with people my own age

51. I enjoy doing online memes and quizzes (sucks for you, I know. Sorry)

52. I always wanted to be a mom growing up

53. I’ve always been afraid I’d be a terrible mom

54. I was afraid I would be just like my own mother

55. I love living close to my niece and nephew (on H’s side)

56. I think of them as my own children

57. I love sports (even more than H)

58. ...any sports

59. ...even if all I can do is watch it on TV

60. I think hockey is MUCH better in person

61. I think NASCAR is MUCH better on TV (I can hear the commentators and watch my guy all around the track instead of just waiting for the drivers to come in front of the grandstand)

62. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 27

63. I didn’t wear pants until I was 25

64. I didn’t drink alcohol until I was 28

65. Much to H’s dismay, I have a pretty melancholy personality

66. I struggle occasionally with depression

67. I am on medication for the depression and anxiety

68. Being on the medication shows me what normal is supposed feel like

69. I have always been in a crowd of people, but have felt extremely alone

70. I love my blog and the people I have met through my blog and those I read

71. I don’t feel as alone

72. H and I play World of Warcraft

73. I got into it to play with him so I wouldn’t feel left out while he played each night

74. My favorite perfume is Euphoria by Calvin Klein

75. I wear it every day (5 squirts)

76. I have been complimented many times for my singing

77. As a teenager, I dreamed of making a tape of my singing (now it would be a DVD)

78. I love to sing

79. I’ve had music teachers tell me I have a great ear

80. I can always tell when I (or anyone else) am off key

81. I hate that my brother and I aren’t as close as we used to be

82. I hate that he has moved his family back to CA

83. I hate that I hardly ever see his two boys and little girl

84. I hate that my parents and brother are judgmental and narrow-minded

85. I’m surprised I’ve been able to come up with 82 random facts about myself

86. I hate the fact that there are so many religions and denominations in the world

87. I hate using such a strong word as “hate” (I’ve used it 6 times so far in this list)

88. I was a virgin when I met H at the age of 27

89. I feel very blessed to have H in my life

90. I feel extremely blessed to have H’s family in my life

91. Sometimes I wish I would have been born into their family instead of mine (is that really bad to say?)

92. Bad drivers drive me NUTS

93. People that don’t know how to merge drive me absolutely bananas

94. H got me addicted to Starbuck’s coffee

95. My favorite ice cream is Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip

96. I love secretarial work

97. I can’t stand to be bored

98. I can read a book more than once without getting bored with it

99. I can watch a movie more than once without getting bored with it

100. I always hit my snooze button at least twice each morning.

Have a great week.
Until later...

Happy Hump Day!!!

2008-02-13T19:22:00.005-06:00

It's Wednesday and I actually remembered. WooHoo! Aren't you proud of me? I'm proud of me.

So, the things I'm thankful for this week:
1. I lost another 1.6 pounds this week
2. My total weight loss is now...30 pounds!
3. I was able this past week to take off 2 pair of pants without undoing the button or the zipper (size 16 and a new pair of 14s). Woohoo!
4. I have a wonderful man in my life - hold your horses, it's my husband. We had another rough day today, but we're good and I'm thankful that I have him in my life even when we do have rough patches every once in a while.
5. The rough patches H and I have are fleeting and very rare. It's surprising, but the two spats we've had this past year is the most we've actually had in years.
6. I'm realizing just how strong I really am.
7. I found faith this week in my ability to lose down to the goal weight* I really want to be.

So, those are the things I'm thankful for this week.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. H and I exchanged gifts tonight. After the day we had today, we really needed it. H got me a white gold ring with my birthstone (blue topaz) in the shape of a heart. Actually, I don't like heart shapes, but it's the thought that counts and I love the shade of my birthstone that he bought (London Blue - it's my favorite). Every time he buys me a piece of jewelry with a stone in it, it's always heart-shaped. How do you tell the man you love that you really don't like heart shapes and would prefer any other shape? I'm terrible. I know it. I just can't help it. I'm not a girly girl and never have been. As I'm writing this, I just thought of two reasons why he always buys heart-shapes**. 1) he sees me as a girly girl 2) It's his way of showing me that he loves me. Hmmm. I think I'm going to change my mind about heart-shaped jewelry. I love that those are his reasons. Why did I not realize this before?

Anyway, I got H a Mr. Beer Home Brewery Kit. He seemed really excited about it. He's mentioned that he's always wanted to try brewing his own beer. Now's his chance. I listened to him. He's really looking forward to trying it out.

*I have my personal weight goal (and the goal for my tracker below) currently set at 148 pounds. In order to be considered for Lifetime status at Weight Watchers, I cannot have this goal weight unless I can get a letter from my doctor stating that is a healthy weight for me. This goal weight is actually a high probability because I will most likely be in a size 8 or 10 when I reach that weight. According to Weight Watcher's materials, I have to set my goal weight no higher than 135 until I reach age 45 where I can add 6 pounds (I'll be 40 at the end of this year, so that's out at the moment). Until yesterday, I didn't think I could hit the 148 mark let alone set my goal lower. As of yesterday (since losing 30 pounds), I have realized that I can probably get down to 135. I just don't know that I WANT to. I am going to keep my goal at 148 and see what my doctor says next time I go in to see her. I don't have to be stick thin. I like that I have a curvy body. I don't want to lose my curves. H loves my curves. Anyway, so those are my current thoughts on that issue.

**I asked H why he always buys me heart-shaped jewelry and he confirmed that it's because he loves me and he wants me to know it every time I look at the piece. Yep! Definitely liking heart shapes now (what they stand for anyway).

Have a VERY Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. Have a great week!

Until later...

Book Meme

2008-02-10T19:12:00.000-06:00

Here's a new meme that hit me via Contemplator at Dante's Virgil.

Here’s the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

I have just started reading a new book. I'm still in the first chapter. So, on with the meme. On page 123 of Dave Egger's A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, after the fifth sentence, the next three lines are as follows:

1. "I have donated to t he couple from the women's shelter, and to that little boy from the youth group, to the woman from the Green Party, the kids from the Boys Club, the pair of solemn teenagers from SANE/FREEZE."
2. "The Berkeley-ness of Berkeley, so charming at first, is getting old."
3. "The bell rings."

I am tagging these five people because I love reading their blogs and I'm curious to know if we have the same taste in reading material. I'm also looking for new reading material (always on my to do list) and thought your books might be just what I'm looking for. :-) The five people I am tagging for this are:

1. Kristin at Formerly Known as "Anonymous Army Wife" (a book for class counts) :-)
2. I Eat Snowman Poop (I thought bedrest may cause you to slow down and pick up a book)
3. Manda at I Know, Right
4. TysGirl at Nucking Futs (Hmmm, something about DoorKnobs, maybe?) hahaha!
5. RaJ from Radioactive Jam (I have a feeling your choice is going to make me laugh)

Happy Thursday!!

2008-02-07T11:15:00.000-06:00

Why can’t I remember to do a Happy Hump Day post on Wednesday? I also realize that I haven’t updated y’all on my weigh in from Tuesday night.

Okay, so the things I am happy for this week:
•I finally hemmed one pair of new pants (I can now wear them to work, but I still have 3 more pair to hem before I shrink out of them – which is quickly becoming a reality – no complaints here)
•I lost 1.6 pounds this past week! WooHoo!
•I am finally below 170 pounds (I can’t remember the last time I was below 170)
•I have lost a total of 28.4 pounds (Check out my weight tracker at the bottom of the page)
•H has told me when I lost 30 pounds (only 1.6 away!), I can get a personal profile from Missus Smarty Pants to help me figure out the best styles of clothes for my body. (WooHoo! I am really looking forward to this)

By the way, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. It is definitely nice knowing I am not alone in my thoughts, conflicts, and confusions. For such a long time, I felt as though I were alone in my thinking. No one in my family thinks or believes the same way I do on a LOT of issues so I have gone the majority of my life feeling as though I were an oddball and alone. It wasn’t until I met H 12 years ago that I finally had someone I could talk to about my thoughts and beliefs without fear (my family is VERY judgmental and close-minded). It is so nice to know that I am no longer alone.

Until later...

The Abortion Issue

2008-02-05T11:09:00.000-06:00

Do I think abortion is murder? Yes. Do I think it’s wrong? That’s something I’m actually struggling with. I know that sounds strange, but I really don’t know how I feel about abortion.

I completely understand abortion when the mother’s life is at risk. I also understand abortion when the child is a result of rape or incest. I can understand the woman not wanting to keep the child or to be reminded of how the child was conceived for the next nine months.

Sadly, there are already so many children in foster care or placed with adoption agencies that we cannot find enough parents to take them. Not wanting to adopt is a whole other issue that I’m not going to discuss right now. Some of the children in foster care do not fare well. They are still abused by those that are supposed to be looking out for their best interests.

Is it better to have an abortion than to put a child through a life that could be marked with disaster? I realize that disaster is not guaranteed, but neither is having a happy life. All children deserved to be loved, wanted, and happy. Sometimes, I’m just confused about this issue. I feel terrible and conflicted because I am confused. I was brought up in the Christian faith where murder is a major sin.

In all honesty, though, I would much rather hear of a child being aborted than hearing what’s been on the news lately. There’s been a father who has confessed to stomping on his 3-year old’s head. There’s been the man who was upset because his wife gave him another boy (I think it was the couple’s 4th) so he held the child up and dropped him on his head on the pavement. There’s the woman who microwaved her little girl. Then there’s also the man that starved his 17-month old to the point the child weighed only 10 pounds (this child was also so cold that a temperature could not be taken). All these children died! The list could go on.

It breaks my heart to hear about these children. It just doesn’t seem fair to me that a person that could carry out those heinous crimes on innocent children can reproduce when H and I can’t. I cried last night just thinking about this. I actually cry often when I think of this as I do each time a new story is aired that a child has been abused in ANY way.

I would much rather that these children would have been aborted then to have to live through the pain these atrocities put them through. Don’t get me wrong. Abortion is NOT a form of birth control! I will NEVER believe that! I’m just so conflicted about the rest of it. I think part of the reason I’m so conflicted is because of my upbringing (not that my upbringing was bad – I just don’t always see eye to eye with the religious beliefs of my family or the denomination I grew up believing).

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for quite some time now (try to work through the conflicts by putting it to words), but I’ve been afraid you would think I’m a terrible person for feeling the way that I do and for being so conflicted about this issue. I even asked H last night if these thoughts made me a bad person (again, probably because of my upbringing). I apologize if any of my remarks upset any of you, but I had to get these thoughts out. That’s what this blog is all about after all.

What are your thoughts? Until later...

Whatever!!

2008-02-03T17:11:00.000-06:00

Your Birthdate: December 15

You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things.

You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle.

Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home.

You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak.

Your strength: Your intense optimism

Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents

Your power color: Jade

Your power symbol: Flower

Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Some Crossing Guards SUCK!!!!

2008-02-02T16:35:00.000-06:00

Some crossing guards SUCK! That’s right, I said it (TWICE). I’ve said before that I am a very speed-conscious driver. I don’t speed, intentionally. When I notice that I’m speeding, I slow down to the speed limit. End of story. Every time. Honestly!

Keeping all of that in mind, Thursday the crossing guard was waving her arms at me to slow down. I immediately looked at my speedometer to see how fast I was going. Yeah, um, I was going 15 or 16 miles an hour (17 tops only because it is extremely hard to stay at one speed for any length of time). I slowed to where my speedometer read 14 mph. She’s still waving at me to slow. She backed me down to 10 mph. Bitch!

Normally, I avoid any and all confrontations. Thursday, I pulled up to her and I stopped. Not only did I stop, I rolled down my window and asked her, “It’s 15 mph, right?” She said that it was so I told her that’s what my speedometer read. The bitch had the NERVE to tell me, “Usually when people argue with a crossing guard it’s because they’re in the wrong.” First of all, I didn’t argue. I asked a simple question because I wanted clarification. So...asking a question is considered arguing? That’s interesting.

I wave to this bitch EVERY DAMN DAY when I pass her and she smiles and waves back. I’ve been driving the SAME speed EVERY DAMN DAY and Thursday she slows me down by 5 mph. After her little statement, I told her that my speedometer had me at 15. She said, “Well, it starts way back there.” I told her I was aware of that and that I was at 15 just a few feet past the flashing lights. She backtracked a bit and said, “Well, sometimes it’s not just about speed. Sometimes I see a child that’s about to run out in the street.” I told her that I could understand that, told her to have a nice day, and I drove off (at 15 mph). By the way, there were NO CHILDREN anywhere around when she told me to slow down, when I got to her, or when I passed her.

If you were behind me while I talked with the crossing guard, I’m sorry I held you up and slowed your commute. I guess Thursday was the last straw from people telling me to slow down when I DON’T SPEED. I can show them speeding. I LOVE driving fast. Put me on Interstate 840 and I can be driving 90 mph without even realizing it.

I think I’m the kind of person that holds onto EVERYTHING. Why, you ask? Because I’m still pissed at this bitch. Even though I forgot about the incident for the remainder of Thursday and Thursday night. I absolutely HATED driving past her Friday morning (and yes, I waved and smiled as I do every morning), but once I got past her, I flipped her off (my hand carefully/securely tucked under the steering wheel so no one but me saw it). Yep! I felt a bit better, but when I wrote this early Friday afternoon I found that I was still seething over this. Hopefully, I’ll be over it by Monday. Wish me luck!

I just realized that I haven't updated you all on my weigh in this week. No change! I didn't gain, but I didn't lose either. Oh well. With everything that's been going on for the past two weeks with doctor appointments and my stressing over it, I can live with that. I know what I've eaten for those two weeks and trust me when I say, I'm shocked that I didn't gain. Even H said he thought I would gain at least one pound this week. God I LOVE proving that man wrong. hahaha

Until later...

TGIF!!!

2008-01-30T18:23:00.001-06:00

Remember when I asked you to list the things you would do if you had: 7 years, 7 months, 7 weeks, 7 days, and 7 minutes to live?

I realized yesterday after visiting Amanda's blog (dated 1/24), that I had forgotten to write my list.

So...here is the list of things I would do if my time were running out:
7 years to live – I’d write a letter to each member of my family letting them know how much they mean to me. I’d learn how to swim. I’d take art/pottery/photography classes. I’d like to take the Richard Petty challenge and drive a racecar. I’d read EVERY book I own and find someone to pass them to that loves books/reading as much as I do.

7 months to live – visit all the places I always wanted to see. I’d love to see the following: Great Wall of China, Niagara Falls, Australia, Paris, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Greece. I’d stay at each of these places for a month!

7 weeks to live – Stay someplace on a coast so I can see the ocean every morning and every night.

7 days to live – spend each day with K, K2, H, Dickens, and H’s family. Watch the sunset each night and the sunrise each morning. Spend time at night just looking at the moon (it’s my favorite for some reason)

7 minutes to live – Color my hair a bright pink, blue or purple.

You know what this tells me? This list tells me the things I need to be doing now (especially since no one knows how long they really have on this earth).

Things you Always Wanted to Know About Me.

2008-01-30T09:03:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends.
What you are supposed to do is change all the answers so they apply to you, and then post it on your own blog. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends which you might not have known!

1. What time did you get up this morning? Woke up at 5:45 when my alarm went off but didn’t get out of bed until 6:15. I’m lazy like that.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Alvin and the Chipmunks
4. What is your favorite TV show? I can only choose one, but I have so many? You don’t believe me, check out this entry .
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Something I can eat in the car on my way to work (cold cereal, a breakfast bar) and on most days, an iced venti skinny caramel latte from Starbucks
6. Favorite Food? Wow! Before Weight Watchers, I would have said Mexican food, anything chocolate, or Italian food. Now, I run to fruit and cooked veggies (like they serve at Cracker Barrel). I’m also a sucker for ice cream (Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip is my favorite - I also add Hershey's chocolate syrup to it).
7. What food do you dislike? tripe, liver, all that gross stuff….(I got these from Amanda) I also do not like cauliflower
8. What is your Favorite CD at the moment? An eclectic MP3 mix I have in my car. It has songs from EVERY genre. I kid you not.
9. What kind of car do you drive? Red Toyota Corolla
10. Favorite sandwich? The signature Toot’s Burger (that’s a sandwich, right?)
11. What characteristics do you despise? Drivers who don’t know that “merge” means that they have to match the speed of traffic flow instead of thinking they have the right away and everyone else has to give it to them. Hautiness (I’m better than _____)
12. Favorite item of clothing? That’s hard. I don’t really have a favorite item of clothing. Right now, all my clothes look great on me (at least, I think they do). I have a red sweater that I am currently loving except for the fuzz it leaves in its wake.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Alaska, Hawaii, France, Niagara Falls, Australia, Italy, a trip around the world (seriously), Scotland, Ireland
14. Favorite brand of clothing? What? I’m supposed to look at labels. If it fits, it’s good enough for me. Seriously, I have no idea what brands I own.
15. Where would you retire? Anywhere by an ocean
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My 30th and I’m hoping my 40th this year will be just as memorable. I will be in much better shape than I have the past 10 years, so that has to count for something.
17. Favorite sport to watch? All of them (seriously, I watch sports much more than my husband. Matter of fact, I’m the one that turns them on in our house)
18. Furthest place you are sending this? Around the world wide web
19. Who do you least expect to do this? No one who reads MY blog. Everyone reading this will do it.
20. Person you expect to post it first? YOU!
21. Favorite saying? “No life is so hard, that you cannot make it easier by the way you take it.”
22. When is your birthday? December 15
23. Are you a morning person? Nope. I love my snooze button, but about 20 minutes after my feet hit the floor, I'm as happy as I am any other part of the day
24. Pets? 1 Bichon Frise
25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us? I just finished reading Nora Roberts newest book Blood Brothers and had a VERY hard time putting it down. I'm reading one by Janet Evonovich now. That’s about all the news I have right now.
26. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher, Nurse, Mother, Secretary
27. How are you today? Doing good. Currently bored.
28. What is your Favorite candy? See’s Truffles. I do have favorite seasonal candy. Valentine’s Day –candy hearts; Easter – Robin Eggs (just like Whoppers); Halloween – candy corn; and Christmas – Fruit Cake (wait, that’s not a candy, but it is one of my favorite seasonal treats so I’m counting it)
29. What is your Favorite flower? Carnation
30. What are you listening to right now? Typing and traffic rolling by outside (mostly traffic)

Just So You Know...

2008-01-27T17:56:00.000-06:00

This has been a pretty good week. Sadly, I have eaten anything and just about everything this week (okay, fine, last week and a half - happy now?). I'm actually pretty okay with that. I know that sounds kind of strange, but hear/read me out. :-)

I am thinking of this whole thing as a "lifestyle change" not a diet. To me, the difference is that this is something I am going to continue doing for the rest of my life (healthy eating, eventually adding weekly exercise - yeah, um, haven't really been doing that part yet but eventually I will) not just until I get down to the size I want to be.

Keeping that in mind, I know that I'm going to have hours, days, a week (maybe a bit longer as is this case) that I will make unhealthy choices or fall back into my old habits. It's inevitable. It's realistic. I'm okay with that. I am still going to weigh in on Tuesday. I know that the scale may show me a bit higher than the last time I weighed in, but I'm okay with that. I made those choices and I need to take responsibility for them and own up to them.

Keep checking back so you'll e sure to know what happens at my weigh in on Tuesday. Have a great week. Play nice, y'all. Q, Ty, that means you. lol

Until later...

Once Again

2008-01-26T20:37:00.000-06:00

I have updated my blog links once again. I noticed that there were some I checked EVERY day from work, but didn't have in my favorites at home. I have now rectified that error and my "favorites" blog list is complete. WooHoo!

By the way, if you'd like to keep track of my weight loss, I have added a ticker at the bottom of the page. I tried putting it on the sidebar, but it was too long and you only saw half of it. On the bottom, you can see how far I've come and what I still want to accomplish.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Until later...

Finally!!

2008-01-25T18:24:00.000-06:00

Wow! I had no clue how outdated my "Blogs I Love to Read" was. Please check out all the blogs that I read/stalk/lurk on a daily basis.

These people are my friends so treat them well. Each one is very special to me (okay, the Darwin Awards is just funny; Cute Overload is just that; and Daily Pets is just plain cute, too). All the others are genuine blogs. Even "My Piece of Mind" although it hasn't been updated in almost two years. This is H's space and the blog he ended on is VERY important so I keep his link on my blogroll.

I am so sorry it took me so long to update my links and some of you weren't on my links list. You should have been there a LOOOONG time ago. Please forgive my oversight. I love you all! Play nice with each other.

My Favorite Things

2008-01-24T09:58:00.000-06:00

Here is a list of some of my favorite things (I'm not sure what order I would put them in, this is just the order in which they came to mind once I decided to do this):

1. K2 when she smiles (it lights up her whole face including her eyes)

2. K when he gives me a hug. He ALWAYS puts his head on my shoulder and most of the time will pat my back. I let him stay that way as long as he wants.

3. Dickens when he snuggles up to me on the sofa (not while we’re in bed, though. I can’t sleep when I feel “trapped”) Using the word “trapped” shows me that I still have some lingering issues when it comes to my childhood. I don’t know that those will ever really go away. I do feel trapped. It’s not just that the blankets are tight around me. I actually feel trapped.

4. The family/love/acceptance I have in my life because H is in it and brought his whole family with him

5. The smell of a new book (this happened last night and prompted me to make this list)

6. The smell of pipe tobacco (it reminds me of when I was young and my dad smoked a pipe) – it gives me comfort and I feel safe whenever I smell pipe tobacco. Do they make a candle with that fragrance? I didn’t think so, but I think it might be a bit too strange to use pipe tobacco like potpourri in my house. Then again, who’s to know and who cares if it seems strange to those that visit my home? It’s my house damn it. If I want it to smell like pipe tobacco, I can do that. I may need to run that by H first. haha

7. See’s truffles (they’re even better than Godiva – trust me, much more flavor [to me, anyway])

8. All my bloggy friends and their wonderful webpages (that means YOU!)

9. Reading – I’m a nerd, this is my hobby, don’t judge! It could be worse – I could collect shoes, purses, jewelry, and make-up (wait, I kind of do that, too, just not to the same extent)

10. Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

11. Starbuck's Iced Venti Skinny Caramel Latte

12. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies (a bonus when they also have coconut – YUM!)

So…these are quite a few of my favorite things.

A friend of mine is doing the Biggest Loser Million Pound Challenge. You might have seen her. She is half of the couple that was shown at the beginning of last week’s episode losing weight for their daughter. On their webpage for the challenge, she said last night that she was asked to write down (I don’t remember who asked her to do this) what she would do if she had:

7 years to live, 7 months to live, 7 days to live, 7 hours to live, and 7 minutes to live.

Her response to the 7 minutes left to live was – get this – “to get a second serving”. Her husband commented that it wasn’t to be with him or with their daughter. She said that she hopes that her plan “if she had 7 minutes to live” will change by the end of this challenge.

So, my challenge to you (and myself) is: “What would you do if you knew you had only a) 7 years to live, b) 7 months to live, c) 7 days to live, d) 7 hours to live, and e) 7 minutes to live?”

Personally, I have to think about this a bit. Blog about what you would do and leave me a comment that you have so I can check it out. I will do the same before Monday morning so come back and check it out.

Until later...

Happy Hump Day!!

2008-01-23T15:24:00.000-06:00

WooHoo! I remembered ON Hump Day. How miraculous is THAT!?!

Anyway, the things I’m thankful for this week:

1. I took control of the care for my body. By the way, I found another OB/GYN that I will be seeing in March.

2. For the feeling of unity and not being alone (which happens to be one of the main reasons I started this blog). From all the comments left regarding “work being more than just a paycheck” (paraphrased of course, scroll down 2-3 entries to read it) I see that I am not alone in my thought process that quality of life is sometimes more important than a paycheck. WooHoo! Since I’m not the only one that thinks this way, it means we’re right, right? I say YES!!

3. I got my hand caught in the dishwasher yesterday and thought I’d never get it out. Yes, I’m thankful for that because a) there was no damage done to my hand and (this is most important) b) it showed me that I REALLY need to get my rings re-sized SMALLER!!! WooHoo! I have no excuse now to hold off on sizing. I have every reason to get it sized. Lord knows I don’t need anything adding to my clumsiness. By the way - No WWAWP Update this week because I didn’t go to work yesterday [read previous post] but I am still in my smaller sizes and the scales have not gone up, so I feel confident that staying on track will do me well until I can get weighed in next week.

4. H and I have started de-cluttering our home. It’s such a good feeling to get rid of the STUFF that we don’t need/use/like. We have realized that we have too much STUFF. We don’t need stuff to be happy. As a matter of fact, we can be quite content without it. We need to learn to be content with what we have instead of adding to what we already own (hence the reason I am more than happy to live and die in the house we currently own – I’ve realized recently that our home is bigger than the one my grandparents lived for 50 years and brought up 2 boys in, so I definitely don’t need more space for just a small dog. Plus, I LOVE our backyard).

5. Our backyard. I love it! I grew up in Southern California, so we had no backyard. We had a concrete slab. Seriously! When we built our home, we chose the biggest lot available so we would have a nice sized backyard. Our lot is one of the biggest in the subdivision and the homes they’ve built in the past 7 years have MUCH smaller lots. I love our lot! We fenced in the backyard about a year after we got Dickens so I love it even more because of the privacy.

6. I went through my clothes and got rid of everything that was too big or too small (I figured that I will want more current styles when I get back into that size anyway). Hahaha! I also got rid of all the clothes I don’t love to wear or don’t feel comfortable wearing. I did keep one (1) dress that is currently too small. It is a size 8. It’s the dress I wore for the Christmas picture H and I took 10 days after we got engaged. This picture sits on my desk at work and reminds me that I can get back into that dress. You know the saying “If you can dream it, you can achieve it”? That’s what this picture represents for me. Not only can I dream it, I can SEE it on a daily basis. I have that picture (the only picture, I might add) on my desk to show me that I can get down there. I was 28 years old in that picture so there is no reason that I cannot get back to that size. I don’t care what number shows on the scale at that point. As soon as I can fit back into THAT dress, I know I have achieved what I dreamed in regards to my weight loss goals and my healthier lifestyle.

7. Everyone that stumbles upon this haven of mine. You have all touched my heart in one way or another. You have all encouraged me and inspired me. You have all held me up when I felt that I would surely fall. Surprisingly, your numbers are growing and I love you all and appreciate all you do for me. THANK YOU!!!!

Until later...

Just so you know...

2008-01-22T15:45:00.000-06:00

The biopsy that was scheduled for yesterday...did NOT happen. In case you're new or happened to stumble here by accident let me give the background info here.

In November, I went to a female doctor for some spotting problems. I was also supposed to have my yearly exam at the same time. I was not concerned. They did not do the yearly exam because in their office they only want to handle one procedure at a time. HELLO!!! You're in the same spot, I have the same amount of clothes off, and you're ALREADY poking around in that very spot! Stupid doctors. This just smells of scam to me. Let's only do one thing at a time so they have to make another appointment and we'll get more money from them. WHATEVER!

So at this appointment, they checked me out and felt nothing wrong. I told them that both my mom and grandmother started going through perimenopause when they were my age. Did that make a difference? Hell, no! They told me that anytime they think a woman might be going through the change, they do a biopsy of the uterus in order to rule out uterine cancer. Again, this appointment was in November. I made the biopsy appointment for yesterday. Obviously, they really aren't that concerned about cancer or they wouldn't have let me wait two months for the biopsy.

For the past two months, I have been stressing that this doctor just wants extra money from me and my insurance company and are willing to take a biopsy in order to get it. I did a check on the Internet and found out many things regarding this procedure.

1. This procedure does not give any proof that a woman is going through the change. Duh! It's checking for cancer. That wasn't my concern. It's still not my concern.
2. From MedLine Plus: "The symptoms of uterine cancer include:
a. Unusual vaginal bleeding or discharge
b. Trouble urinating
c. Pelvic pain
d. Pain during intercourse

Uterine cancer usually occurs after menopause (emphasis mine)...."

Another website went into detail about the "unusual bleeding or discharge" which showed me that I have NONE OF THESE SYMPTOMS!!! There is no reason for me to have this procedure.

I called the doctor Friday afternoon to cancel my Monday appointment and I got an answering machine because they do not take calls after 4:30. They're open until 5. Whatever! Anyway, I was upset not knowing how I was going to get out of the appointment but knowing that I did not want to go through with it. I haven't felt right about this procedure since they first mentioned it to me 2 months ago.

So, I was worried that I was going to have to cancel the appointment first thing Monday morning and they were going to charge me for an office visit. Actually, the more I thought about it, the more I was okay with paying for the visit instead of having the procedure. It's not like they can charge me for a procedure they don't actually perform.

Not five minutes after all this went through my head, I got a call from the doctors office confirming my appointment. WooHoo! You know I cancelled that bitch. They then asked me when I wanted to reschedule it. I told them that I would be talking with my primary care physician before I called them back. She sounded completely confused. I guess no one has ever questioned them on a procedure before.

Actually, I'm going to talk to my primary about it and see if they can recommend ANOTHER ob/gyn because I no longer feel comfortable going to that doctor if they are willing to cut a person before doing a simple blood test that will tell them if my hormone levels are in the parameters to suggest that I'm going through the change.

Thanks to everyone for all your thoughts and concerns. I just wanted to update you on the fact that I took control of my health in regards to this unneccesary procedure. :-)

Guess what!?! I haven't really slept for the past three weeks. I couldn't figure out what the problem was and sleeping pills weren't helping me sleep either. Friday night, I slept like a baby. This whole time, I haven't been sleeping because I've been stressing about this dumb procedure. It's great to sleep again. I have slept every night since I cancelled the appointment. Amazing what stress does to a person.

By the way, if you feel uncomfortable about a procedure your doctor wants to do, get a second opinion. Please!

In other news, BB's first day back since having the triplets was today. This ought to be an interesting transition. She feels as though no one in our office needs her because we did our jobs without a hitch. MB will have a rough time because she is no longer in charge and will have to wait for BB to make up her mind before we go forward instead of just making decisions. This is not going to be fun.

So glad I'm just the receptionist that also takes reservations. :-) Have a great week. Until later...

For the Record...

2008-01-18T14:43:00.001-06:00

You know, my parents keep telling me I have so much more potential. In all honesty, I am smart enough to do anything I choose to do. I know this. I graduated with honors, so I'm no slouch (even though I rarely read any of the material needed for my classes - if I graduated with honors without really reading the materials, maybe I'm smarter than even I think I am. haha) and I'm no dummy.

I love secretarial work. I always have. This is what I have wanted to do since graduating from high school. Even though I could do so much more, it isn't that I don't have the gumption or ambition to do more. I happen to love the fact that my job is 9-5 (now it's actually 8-4:30 so it's even better). I love the fact that I DON'T have to manage people. That means that I don't have to put up with their excuses or attitudes. I love the fact that I can leave my work at work when I go home. I have plenty of family/free time to spend any way I want without having to think about the office. I should be using some of this time to keep my housework up, but there are days (okay weeks) when I choose not to. :-) That's a whole different story.

I used to be a manager and was constantly under stress and pressure from higher ups (so much so that I was frequently sick and dreaded going to work in the morning). In secretarial work, I don't have that stress or, at least, no where near the degree I used to. I no longer dread going to work in the morning.

This doesn't mean that I have no ambition. To me, it means that I have chosen to put my family and my health above the size of my paycheck. I can live with that. My husband can live with that. He has a MUCH happier wife when he gets home from work each day. To me, my health, family, state of mind, and relationships are much more important to me than the size of my paycheck. H and I make enough to live comfortably without many worries. So why add unneccessary stress to my life when I really don't have to?

What are your thoughts about this?
Until later...

Another week

2008-01-18T11:29:00.000-06:00

I just realized that I haven't blogged since LAST Friday. That was a week ago, People! WTF!! I guess I really do use this space mostly for bitching and complaining. Without having a problem, I don't seem to have much to blog about. How sad is that? Wait! Not that I don't have anything to bitch about. That's a good thing. That shows me that my life has improved - okay, maybe it's just my outlook on my life that's improved. Either way, I'm pretty pleased with the outcome. Could this actually all be because I am feeling better about myself due to the weight I am losing? Interesting. I'll have to think/ponder that for a bit.

I need to find other things to blog about instead of just using this as an outlet for my bad attitude or feelings. I guess my blog will have to grow with me or be left behind. I have met so many wonderful people in the blogosphere that I am going to make my blog grow with me. I would hate to lose contact with the 5 or so people that actually read my blog. :-) By the way, if you stop by, please leave a comment. Let me know you're here. I'd love to hear from you - even if it's just to tell me to grow up. Tell me what you'd like to know about me. Help me find things to write about. :-) I could always use inspiration.

I found a neat website this week. Such Simple Pleasures. She posted about how her "romantic" husband proposed to her. Since you all know that H and I were married in an appliance store (read that entry here), I thought you might like to know how he proposed. Let me lay the ground work for this...

We met in the middle of August. My divorce wasn't final. I refused to date until my divorce was final even though my "roommate" had moved back to his mom's (in another state) two months prior. The divorce was final the end of August and H asked me out. Another guy we worked with asked me out as well. I was casually dating both of them. I don't know what the other guy expected (maybe a horny divorced woman looking to "get some" but since I never "got any" I didn't know what I was missing). That's another previous blog somewhere here. I invited the other guy to my house for pizza and a movie (and that's what we did...pizza and watched a movie). I guess he thought that was code for something else because at work the very next day, he mentioned to H that I was "weird". Whatever, you long-haired freak!! Seriously, his hair was past his waist and he probably spent more time in the bathroom each morning than I did.

H being the "romantic" that he is totally agreed with the Freak and said, "Yeah, she really is strange...I'd stop dating her if I were you." The dude did - no skin off my nose. Leaving the door wide open for H. Of course, I didn't find out about this until MUCH later. :-) By the end of September, I had talked H into moving in with me. At the time, he was living with his parents, pulling guard duty each month, and having to drive about 30 minutes each way to see me (longer when he was coming to/from guard duty). He was at my house everytime I was. I told him, "You're here whenever I'm here, you might as well move in and pay half the rent." Since Loser "Roommate" ex-husband was still paying half the rent on the place because his name was on the lease until the new year, H and I each paid half of my half of the rent. Damn I'm good and even impress myself sometimes. :-) He bought it and moved in. WooHoo!

Of course, my parents being who they are were not a bit happy about it. I kept hearing that we were living in sin, how he would never marry me because "why would he buy the cow when he could get the milk for free," and other things that just made me worry. My big comeback to them was that I was going to try this dude out before marrying him because I was not going to get into another marriage that was a roommate situation instead of husband/wife relationship. I even asked them if they blamed me for that and they said they couldn't and that they would probably do the same thing. To them, I was still living in sin, though. And they wonder why I made sure they didn't meet H before we were married. I'm not stupid! Duh!

Anyway, they put doubts and worries in my head. I would cry to H and tell him that I really needed a commitment from him and told him about the cow and the milk theory. He laughed at me, held me, and said he wasn't ready to commit. I understood that, really I did. In the end, I ended up talking him into a commitment. I even told him that I didn't need a diamond engagement ring because I have my grandmother's one carat, round, solitaire. We went looking at rings and I told him that since I already had the diamond, that I wanted the band to be special and a bit different. I really wanted a band that had both of our birthstones in it (Ruby = him, blue topaz = me), but couldn't find anything with rubies and blue topaz and we really couldn't afford to have something specially made. What we found instead was a band with 5 stones - rubies and diamonds. It has 3 rubies and 2 diamonds. I love it! My rings together symbolized me int he form of my grandmother's ring and H in the form of my engagement ring. Everyone who saw my ring thought it was cool. We used that as my engagement ring and I added the solitaire when we said our "I do's". We can't seem to do anything in a traditional sense. I know. We definitely made the whole thing our own. Isn't that what it's all about?

Anyway, he ended up proposing to me on my birthday (which was sweet and what I told him I wanted). I think I took a lot of the joy out of this whole experience for both of us because of my insecurities. I didn't realize that then, I've only realized that in the past few years. I really need to apologize to him again for that. I woke up early that morning and sat on the window seat in the bedroom just looking out the window thinking and stressing. He woke up eventually and (while naked) walked over to me, pulled me off the seat, got down on both knees, and proposed. That was December. We met in August. 4 months, People! I'm sure he felt a little roped into the whole thing because of my insecurities. He might not have been "over the moon" then, but he's a happy man now. I really need to apologize for all of that again.

One day, the diamond solitaire will go to my niece, B. She just turned 4, so it will be a while. When that day comes, I would like to get a second band that has 3 blue topaz stones and 2 diamonds to wear with the ruby/diamond band I already have. I think they will look good together (just those two bands) and will definitely represent "us" and be unique.

Sadly, I really don't like the look of the ruby/diamond band with the solitaire anymore. I coudln't wear the band for the longest time. I had a problem with it causing a rash no matter which finger I wore it on. I now wear it on the middle finger of my other hand. It no longer breaks me out and I'm wondering if I had that problem because of my diet. Now I'm eating healthier and am not having a problem with the ring. Then, I was eating horribly and had a terrible time with rashes every time I wore it.

So, there's my "romantic" proposal. Aren't you glad you know? It's a much better story once you know we got married in an appliance store, went to a casino for our honeymoon (only for the weekend), and have been happily married for almost 11 years. From first meeting to marriage was about 7 months. There were some rocky times at the beginning as there probably are in any relationship - the getting to know you phase, especially after the "love goggles" have been removed, but for the most part, we have always had a great life together. He has been the best thing for me and will tell you that I was for him as well. I swear (and I haven't put him up to it either). :-)

I almost forgot...This past week, I gained .4 pounds. I'm not upset about it. There were a lot of things to factor into it. The week before my last weigh in, I was sick and didn't eat harly anything for 5 days. I knew because of that alone, I would probably gain at least a pound back this week. With everything I ate (a whole bag of "robin egg" malted milk chocolate balls) and eating more during the week because I was feeling better, I was surprised that I only gained .4 pounds. Since last August when I started Weight Watchers, I have only gained twice. Both times it was .4 pounds, so I haven't even gained a full pound in all that time. I'm pretty pleased with that.

Hope y'all have a great weekend. Until later...

Size DOES Matter...

2008-01-11T20:37:00.000-06:00

I don't care what ANYone says. Size DOES Matter!!!

Get your minds out of the gutter, People! I'm talking about CLOTHES, but I got your attention. :-)

I went to Wally World (Walmart) during lunch today to buy workout clothes. I took 3 t-shirts (size large), 1 nice blouse (size large), 1 pair of sweats (12-14), and a sports bra (??? - not telling you THAT!) into the dressing room. EVERY article of clothing was too big. I couldn't believe it! When I walked out of the dressing room, the attendant asked if everything worked for me. I told her "Nope! They're all too big. I guess I'm not used to this smaller body yet." WooHoo! She just smiled at me and said that her weight has been going up. I told her if I can lose weight, so could she.

In one way, I was extremely disappointed since in my mind there was NO way I was going to be able to fit the next smallest size of sweats or shirts. Everything I tried on were 12-14. The next size down is 8-10. In regular clothes, I'm between a 12-16 depending on the style and if I don't mind the 16s being a bit baggy. I guess that means I'm really between a 12 and 14, but I've gotten used to wearing clothes that don't cling to my body.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I take the mediums (8-10 as printed on the clothes) into the dressing room AND THEY ALL FIT!!! All of them. I was so surprised. As I was looking in the mirror with those clothes on, I started to cry - not little tears, but body shaking tears. Happy tears!

I took a sports bra 2 sizes smaller and it fit. Who am I kidding...like I care if you know. It's not like you can see me. :-) The bra was a 38D.

When I got home tonight, I tried on all the clothes to show H and he was impressed and told me to shake it. You know I did. :-)

In regards to my health, I still have a cough and congestion. I just can't seem to get rid of this crap. It's driving me NUTS! Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and concern.

I have a biopsy scheduled for the 21st. It's of the uterus because the doctors just want more money. This is just to prove to them that I actually AM starting to go through the dreaded change of life. The change doesn't really bother me. Technically, I think it will make my life a whole lot easier. It doesn't matter to them that my mother and grandmother both started when they were my age. Anything for a few more bucks!

Because inquiring minds want to know...Mr. Jones is the friend that H and I have set up with a friend we have met playing WoW. It is so good to see him happy and so whipped. He already loves her, but because he's who he is, he hasn't told her yet. They have mentioned marriage, children, and he's mentioned to her that he will be nervous when he proposes. Yep, the boy is hooked and I couldn't be happier for him. We met her in person a few weeks ago and she is adorable, sweet, perfect for him, and a bit insecure. She's actually a LOT like I was when I first met H. Mr. Jones is going to have it a bit rough at the start, but once she feels secure in herself and in their relationship, it will be smooth sailing for them both. They look so cute together. I have never seen him happier and I've known him for about 8 years now.

That's all the news I have for now. Life is going great! I've gotten over and through a lot since starting this blog. Now most things just don't seem to bother me much. Thankfully! Unfortunately, that leaves me nothing to bitch about online. This has always been my outlet for bitching. I guess I need to write about other things now. :-)

Hope you all have a great weekend. TGIF!!! Until later...

Happy Hump Day!!!

2008-01-09T19:20:00.000-06:00

Things I'm thankful for this week:

1. Lost 5.4 pounds over Christmas and New Year’s
2. Lost a total of 27 pounds!
3. Able to lose 27 pounds with little to no exercise, just changing my eating habits (seriously, I counted exercise as parking a bit further away and walking an extra 15-30 steps and walking around shopping areas)
4. Can now sleep without a pillow between my knees
5. Have much less pain in knees, hips, and back
6. Joined Curves last night (will start exercising tonight!)
7. Do not get winded as easily
8. Have much more energy and self-confidence (self-esteem is improving also)
9. Feeling much better than just a few days ago (still have 2 days on antibiotic)
10.Have gotten over hurt of parents forgetting my birthday
11.No longer feel the need to call parents every day and don’t feel guilty about finally having my own life
12.Having a husband that is so supportive of me in everything I try (even if I quit later)
13.Having a husband that is proud of me because I have stuck with Weight Watchers and he can see the difference it has made in my life
14.Having a husband that has decided he’s going to watch his weight and what he eats because I am watching my weight and trying to make healthier choices
15.That I actually remember to post on Happy Hump Day. WooHoo!
16.That I'm feeling better even if I am still congested and coughing.
17.That NGIO will be joining me in WWAWP starting next Tuesday.

until later...

Well...

2008-01-01T12:45:00.000-06:00

Not a lot has been going on around here lately as you probably guessed by the lack of entries. H and I have been off work since the 21st of December. WooHoo! Since that time, one of us has been sick almost every day.

We ahve seen K and K2 almost every single day an dwe met a new friend (one of the people we play WoW with). She's really sweet. We hooked her up with one of our friends (H works with him). They are getting along GREAT!!! I couldn't be happier for them. They look so cute together.

We spent Christmas day with K and K2 and watched them open presents. Wednesday, we saw National Treasure 2 with a couple of friends. It was amazing and sets itself up for a third. Thursday, we went to dinner with another friend we haven't seen in quite some time.

We did nothing spectacular last night. We did go to a friend's house for dinner (H's co-worker and the girl we set him up with). She's going back home sometime in the next few days. She made too much spaghetti last night so called to see if we wanted to come over. H and I spent the whole day with her yesterday getting to know her and we met H's co-worker for lunch. We had a great day with her.

I hope you're all having a great holiday season and are looking forward to the New Year. I hope it brings nothing but happiness to you and your families.

Until later...

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T23:00:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone is having a fabulous Christmas and holiday season no matter what you may celebrate.

Friday was the last day of work for both H and I until the new year. We have spent some time each day with K and K2. They are both gettign so big. I can't believe that K will be 5 in two weeks. K2 is absolutely adorable. She smiles at me all the time with very little effort on my part. I love it! Her smile is so beautiful. I could sit and watch her all day long. We will be going over there early tomorrow morning to see K open his gifts. We bought K2 a BUNCH of cute clothes. I can't wait to see them on her. They are so cute. We also bought her a plush doll that when you pull the string ont he bottom, it plays the lullaby I hum to her that she tries to sing back to me. I can't wait to see the look on her face when it starts to play.

We got K 3 DVDs. That boy has more toys than he even knows what to do with. He doesn't even play with half of them AND he can't go to any store without coming out with a new toy of some kind. We're sure his mom will appreciate the DVDs instead of the toys that they can't seem to teach him to pick up. :-)

We got a card with money in it from my parents. $100 each. H ahs used his for new clothes. I'm also going to use mine on new clothes. I bought a really nice pair of jeans yesterday at Kohl's. They are size 14 and a little tight in the waist (a bit of a muffin top) but they should look GREAT in just a few weeks. I will be going shopping on the 31st with a friend and I hope to get a bunch more clothes at t hat time. I'm hoping H's family gives me cash to help with the purchase of clothes. :-) We got our gifts from G and his family today. H got a gift card to Bests Buy. He's looking forward to spending that. I got a cream sweater. I'm planning on wearing it tomorrow.

I hope you all have a great day with your families tomorrow. Until later...

Crazy Day

2007-12-16T19:15:00.000-06:00

I don’t mind my friends missing my birthday or my brother (he’s a guy and I have to remind H about his family's birthdays all the time, so I understand that). It’s my parents that should know better and NEVER forget my birthday. I can’t figure out how a parent can forget their child’s birthday. I mean, it's not like my mom wasn't there or anything. Dad was in Viet Nam, but still.

H and his family have been great to me. They are definitely spectacular people. They’ll never know how much they mean to me. Today was a little better. I turned off my phone because I didn’t want to talk to my folks today. When I turned it back on, I had one voice mail from my dad saying he hoped I had a good day. Yeah...I haven’t called him back and have no idea when I’ll be talking to them again. Sadly, I feel bad that I don’t want to talk to them, but I still can’t really talk/think about it without crying/tearing up.

This year (my 39th) is definitely going to be better than past years. I started it off by letting my parents know exactly how I felt for a change. I don’t know how things will turn out with my family, but I’m definitely going to take better care of myself and stand up for myself this year even if it means that I feel bad for standing up for myself and staying away from them for a bit.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time they have hurt me badly, but it is the first time they have forgotten my birthday. One main time they hurt me was last year when I graduated from college (Aug. 2006). I asked my mom if they were going to throw me a party (because H’s family was talking about it). Mom told me I could throw my own party. Yeah, thanks for your support. When they came down, they told me they would be willing to go in halves for whatever H’s family paid for the party they threw me. A little too little too late.

In 2005, they came down for Christmas but decided to leave 3 days before Christmas. I was pissed and hurt. So I guess they’ve been hurting me pretty badly once a year for the past three years.

There are days that I hate them and I feel guilty for feeling that way. Thanks again to everyone for the birthday wishes. Sorry I dumped all this on you. I just had to get it all out.

Until later...

Finally Emerging

2007-12-15T20:11:00.000-06:00

I'm emerging in part due to you and your wonderful comments. Thank you so much! Y'all mean the world to me. It's pretty sad when your "blog family" is nicer to you than your biological family.

Ty's Girl,
Manda, Thanks so much for the offer of teaching them a lesson and busting knee caps. :-) I really needed the laugh and your kind words mean so much. Manda, I'm so sorry you've gone through this as well. It amazes me just how much we have in common.

It's 8PM here and I actually just got off the phone with my parents. I CALLED THEM! I didn't want to be sad the remainder of the night and I've been crying off/on since 4:30 this afternoon. I figured they wouldn't know how much I was hurt if I didn't tell them. Here's part of my conversation:

Dad (when he picked up the phone): Ho! Ho! Ho!
Me: Did you forget something today?
Dad: What?
Me: Did you forget something today?
D: No???
Me: Today's my birthday and not one family member called me (I burst into tears while saying this - I didn't mean to and didn't want to. It just happened)

He apologized profusely and started listing all the things they did today and how he didn't turn on his PDA.
Me: That's no excuse for forgetting my birthday
D: You're right

We talked for a few more minutes. Mostly I cried and he kept apologizing.

3 minutes into our conversation, my brother calls and goes into voicemail. Honestly, when I called, I expected Mom to leave the room and call G to tell him to call me. He left a short message telling me happy birthday and he hoped I had a good day and enjoyed it (he sounded extremely sheepish which is rare for him - yep, he forgot, too). He also said that he and his family were on their way out the door to see Christmas lights and that we'd talk later. I'm fine with this. I know my entire family forgot about me today. Strange, though how I never forget one of their birthdays and they ALL get a call from me on their day.

Dad: your mom just walked back into the room and she wants to talk to you. (yep! Mom called G)

My conversation with mom was pretty much like my convo with dad with a few added parts.

Me: You didn't even think of me today. ON MY BIRTHDAY!
Mom: yes, I did. I even talked to you with (friends of theirs)...In a good way (yes! She qualified that statement).
Me: yet you didn't even think of my birthday.
Mom: well, since I don't work anymore, I never know what day it is.
Me: you haven't worked in years and you've NEVER forgotten my birthday before.
Mom: I know. It's no excuse for not calling
Me: you're right. It's not.
Mom: you know we love you
Me: most days. Today, I had my doubts and I've been crying since 4:30. I've been expecting your phone calls all day and they never came. H dragged me out of the house for dinner because I was so down. I didn't even want to go, but he made me. (H is so good to me)
Mom: we're so sorry (she's in tears at this point)
Me: you know how you'd feel if I forgot YOUR birthday (mom is all about making sure her birthday lasts all weekend and she gets to do EVERYTHING she wants no matter what anyone else wants)
Mom: I know. I'm so sorry

When we hung up the phone, mom was still in tears. That's the first time I've EVER been able to tell them when they've hurt me. It took me 39 years to get to that point. Now that it's all out, I have to admit that I feel so much better.

Is it any wonder I feel more comfortable and loved with H's family than I do my own? By the way, part of the day was REALLY good. The problem was that all day, I expected to receive 2 phone calls that NEVER came. So I was disappointed and hurt all day no matter what good thing happened.

For lunch, we went to the restaurant H's parents own and the sushi chef (who I've only known for 2 months) made me a special birthday sushi roll and decorated the plate (he was working on this as we were walking through the door). Even he was better to me today than my family! Since H's parents were working today, we will be going over there tomorrow. They wanted to take us out to lunch, but they really don't have to. They make me feel special and loved every day and I can't even explain how they do it. I just feel it from them.

Anyway, thanks again for your love and support. You'll never know how good you made me feel or what you mean to me.

Until later...

Happy Birthday...

2007-12-15T17:28:00.000-06:00

Please wish Miranda and Alfred's Mom a Happy Birthday. Today is their birthday as well. :-) I hope they are having a great day with their families.

Until later...

Much Struggling Today

2007-12-15T17:20:00.000-06:00

Today is my birthday. My parents and brother SUCK! It's 5:20 PM and I have not heard from any of them. And they wonder why I feel as though I'm not loved or that I'm an after thought. Funny how Mom and Dad can BOTH remember to call G on his birthday (11 days ago), but no one can remember to call me. I've had my phone with me all day expecting it to ring and have one of my parents or my brother on the other end. It hasn't happened. I'm extremely hurt and disappointed.

I'm done blogging for the night. I'm hurting way too much to be able to write about this without sounding EXTREMELY bitter and I don't want to be bitter or bitchy and, sadly, that's exactly how I feel right now.

I hope you are all having a much better day than I am. Until later...

I'm a Blog Bitch, Y'all

2007-12-11T19:15:00.000-06:00

Yep. It's hard to swallow, but that's the truth and I couldn't be happier.

Ty's Girl over at Nucking Futs categorizes her blogroll in the most creative and hilarious ways (you really should go over there if for no other reason than to see her categories). She is absolutely amazing. She is so creative and hangs it all on the line. She keeps nothing back and is a great photographer. If you want to read something real, take a stroll to Nucking Futs. She will have you in stitches in no time.

Keep H in your thoughts. He has bronchitis and will be home from work ALL week. I wonder if he'll clean my house. HA! Kidding

WWAWP Update - I lost another .8 pounds this week. WooHoo! I've lost a total of 21.8 pounds now. I really do love the Core Plan. I don't feel like I'm on a diet at all. It just feels as though I'm making healthier choices (which I am). I have and haven't been following the program the past two weeks. I have because I AM making healthier choices. I haven't because I'm not writing anything down or paying complete attention to the "extra points" I've been eating even though I haven't gone too far past my 35 weekly points. Grant it...with the Core Program, I technically don't have to write anything down, but it really does help to keep you accountable and realizing exactly what you are putting in your mouth. So, even though I have technically been following the Plan, I don't feel as though I have. Starting tomorrow (the beginning of my week) I will be writing down everything I eat. I'm sure if I write everything down all week, it will make me more aware of what I am eating and I will probably lose more weight.

Next week is the last weigh-in before Christmas. I won't have another weigh-in until January 8. I will be writing down everything I eat from now until then. I really don't want to gain over this holiday season. I lost a little over 2 pounds over Thanksgiving, so there is no reason I can't maintain (or even lose) over Christmas and New Years.

Tomorrow is Hump Day. I wonder if I'll remember during Wednesday so I can post a "happy hump day" post on the actual day. :-)

Until later...

Once Again...

2007-12-07T15:06:00.000-06:00

I forgot Happy Hump Day. This time, I’m 2 days late. ARRGGHHH. I don’t think I’ll ever remember on the day I’m supposed to (or really want to for that matter). I really do enjoy a Happy Hump Day post, I just seem to forget that Wednesday exists in the week until it has passed.

So, the things I’m thankful for this past week:

1. Holiday meals that don’t make me gain weight. WooHoo! That’s a HUGE one for me. We had a holiday pot luck at work Monday and I ate things that I would normally eat –sweet potato casserole, dressing, cranberry salad, brownie, and cherry cheesecake. I still LOST 1.4 pounds this week. I couldn’t believe it. I guess because I’ve been eating healthy the majority of the time, eating poorly a few times doesn’t hurt my waist as much. Then again, I was really conscious of the portions I had of each item. I had maybe half a serving spoon each of the casserole, dressing and cranberry salad. I only had half a brownie and two bites (it was an individual cup) of the cherry cheesecake (it didn’t hit the spot, so I didn’t continue eating it).

2. The Weight Watcher’s Core Plan does NOT feel like a diet. When weighing in this week, my leader asked (as always) how it was going. I told her that Core scares me a little because I don’t feel like I am on a diet at all. I feel as though I am just eating healthier and making healthier choices. In all actuality, this is a GREAT way to feel. I am looking at this being a lifestyle change. I do not EVER want to re-gain any of the weight I have lost. There is no reason for me to gain the weight back. I gained the weight as a defense mechanism. Now that I understand that, I have other things in place to deal with those situations IF I ever face them again. If I were on Flex, I could not make that a lifestyle change. I know that I will not be able to forever count point values in the foods I eat, but I know that I can make healthier choices.

3. I am thankful for Weight Watcher Member websites that have Core recipes like Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone and Bootcamp Buddies that have HUNDREDS of Core recipes as well as links in their forums to other websites with Core recipes. There is no reason for anyone to think that “Core” is just grilled lean meat and vegetables. These sites throw that notion right out the window. I have a three-ring binder that has become my Core cookbook and I already have OVER 150 recipes in it.

4. I had a fantastic talk with G on Tuesday. That was his 37th birthday. Yep! My younger brother is 37. He is such a great dad. He is a stay at home dad because M makes 3x’s more money teaching college than he ever could and they know that. If G worked a regular full-time job, M would still have to be out of the house for 4-5 hours a day in a part-time job to help make ends meet. As it is now, she gets home from work before 1:00 EVERY afternoon (sometimes before 12 depending on the day). They have the whole afternoon to spend together as a family. G is there to be a good role model for his boys instead of those families whose dad is at work and only sees the children for 2-3 hours before the kids go to bed (that’s how we grew up – at least their kids will have a relationship with their dad and can say that they know him on a “personal” level). I think it’s great. G and M are a little frustrated because both sets of grandparents (our parents and M’s parents) don’t understand this. They are from the old school where men and women have a certain role to fill in the home and if that role isn’t being filled by the appropriate gender than things aren’t right. It’s amazing that M’s brothers (she has 2)/their wives/H/and I all seem to understand and applaud them for being the parents they are and for having the courage to step out of and think out of the box in order to have a happy family and still have the finances in place to live.

Until Later...

I'm a Posting Fool

2007-12-02T09:49:00.001-06:00

Ok...maybe I'm just a fool, but after blogging all those posts last month, I'm now in the habit of posting every day and I feel as though I've forgotten something or I've missed something if I don't post in a day. Strange, I know, but there you go.

My birthday, in general, has never bothered me. Honestly, I'm only one day older than I was the day before. I know this and I say this almost every year, if not to myself then to someone else who's having a rough time around their birthday. When looking at a birthday that way, it really is no big deal. Having said that, though, surprisingly 30 actually hit me pretty hard. It wasn't the actual day itself that hit me hard. It was the whole year realizing I was "going to be 30 this year" had me in tears occasionally from January until December. The day itself was great. It was the anticipation, the remembering yourself as a child saying "30 is old" made the whole year extremely difficult for me. That is the only time that having my birthday at the end of the year and anticipating it all year long was hard for me. I don't think I'll have the same dread this next year as I look forward to 40. Hey, that's a good mantra for me this next year "Looking Forward to 40!" Ha!

There were actually a lot of things going on in my life the year I turned 30. I was sexually harassed at work, I was in the midst of my worst depression ever, it was the first time a doctor has ever diagnosed me with depression, and I started gaining weight that year as a defense mechanism to the sexual harassment. That year was very strange in many ways due to all of those circumstances. It's nice now to look back on it all and realize that I was just going through a hard time that, in all reality, had nothing to do with my turning 30.

While typing the above paragraph, I realized that my defense mechanism (gaining weight in order to hide myself and become invisible to everyone around me) was actually due to a lot more than just the sexual harassment I was facing at work from the guys in the warehouse. Face it...I was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather at the age of 4, I had a boyfriend that tried to push sex on me (I didn't do it, but in my mind, he tried to rape me), then the sexual harassment. I really think that I thought I needed to hide becuase there was something about me that kept drawing this type of person to me and it scared the living shit out of me. I had to hide myself from these people somehow and gaining weight was the only way I knew to do it (hell, I had seen it work for my mom almost my entire life - I saw her at her biggest and when she lost the weight as well as how people reacted to her all along the way. It's sad that people you have known for 20 years can treat you differently because you've lost a lot of weight instead of just being your friend when you actually need one). Anyway...I no longer feel that I need to hide and realize that I really over-reacted on the boyfriend issue. He didn't even know about my past and had no clue that I had a problem so that really wasn't his fault. He was just a normal guy and I was a lonely girl looking for love anywhere I could find it. I just happened to get scared when it got to this point and ran home (I was in FL [in college] at the time and my family was in CA). The grandfather bit and the sexual harassment were actually just dirty men and the other guys in the warehouse that made comments about my looks thought they were complimenting me. Who knew that not every girl working in a warehouse isn't a slut that wants to hook up with everyone? We had quite a few of those females in our warehouse, and the guys did know that I was different and not like that (they actually looked out for my best interests the majority of the time - now that I look back without the emotion I was feeling at the time), they just didn't know how to talk to someone that wasn't into life just for the sexual gratification (maybe I just didn't know how to take guys that I didn't know - that seems more likely the truth). I realize all that now but back then, I lumped it all into the same category - "these predators are after me" (that about sums up my feelings at that time). 'Bout damn time I figured it all out! :-)

Now that I'm reaching toward 40, I know that I do not need those defense mechanisms in place. I'm not as sheltered now as I was back in my late 20's (and believe me when I say that I was extremely sheltered). [Flashback] I think that was part of my problem back then, too. I had no experience with guys that didn't go to my church or guys that I didn't grow up with. Of course, new people I met outside of that sheltered environment were going to treat me differently than those that were from the same environment, but I wasn't prepared for that and wasn't expecting a difference. I realize that now and that's why I can say the majority of those guys were actually giving me compliments and I just didn't know how to take them. That's one thing about my sheltered life that I wish I could change. I really had no tools to deal with anyone outside of a "Christian" environment (hell, I was there from birth to the age of 27). I didn't know how to interact with others or know how to "read" others at all (I still have a hard time trying to figure out someone's agenda - probably my problem with SUB). So I was completely lost and scared when all this crap went down in the warehouse when I was 28 and 29. I had no experience to draw from in order to help me sort it and figure it all out. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to play with kids that didn't go to my church or church schools because my parents didn't want me exposed to "the ways of the world." What a diservice that was to me! I could have used some of that "worldly wisdom" to draw from in my life to help me cope with the situations I faced outside that sheltered space. It really bothers me now to see parents that shelter their kids as much as my parents sheltered me and my brother. They are NOT helping those kids in the long run. Those kids have to live in the world at some point and will not have mom, dad, church, or pastor around them all the time to keep unwanted elements or experiences away from them. Sadly, G and M are rearing W, A, and B the exact same way we were and sheltering them from everything. I feel sorry for those kids and hope and pray that they have a much better experience with life than I did.

Anyway...back to reality. Now that I've had 10 years to absorb the unsheltered world around me, I know that I do not need to hide myself from the world in order to be safe. I do know that there are creeps and dirty old men out there (I learned that at a young age) but I have now realized that there are more nice guys out there than there are creeps and perverts. That doesn't mean that I will let my guard down around people I barely know. That just means that I will no longer jump to conclusions about someone without knowing them. I will no longer expect every man I see to hurt me. I will always pay attention to my surroundings and if I feel unsafe, I will take the necessary precautions (always); but I no longer have to feel scared and threatened every time I meet someone either.

I want to be healthy at 40. The majority of my life, I was slim and healthy. It's only been the last 10 years that I haven't been. I am really looking forward to 40 and finding the happy, healthy person I used to be. I've got the happy part down (much thanks to H for his love and support through all of this - we met right before the warehouse incident and he has been a huge help to me along this process) and I am now working on the healthy part. :-)

Have a great week. Until later...

I can't believe it

2007-12-01T22:03:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that today is Dec. 1. This year has flown by so quickly. I can't believe that I'll be 39 in just 14 days. Damn I'm getting old. I'm glad you're only as old as you feel because I feel no where near 39. For that matter, I don't look like I'm 39 either (so I'm told). What the hell does 39 look like anyway? :-)

Growing up, I would complain that time crawled and would want time to speed up. My mom used to tell me to enjoy it while it lasted because the older I got, the faster time would fly. Of course, I didn't believe her. I hate when my mom is right.

I also can't believe that NaBloPoMo is over. I'm pretty proud of myself. I had almost 40 posts in the month of November. That is such a record for me. haha

If you get a chance, check out this post by Radioactive Jam. It's about yours truly and a scavenger hunt he had going for NaBloPoMo. I found his blog during NaBloPoMo last year and I have really enjoyed his posts ever since. His creativity and humor amaze me. I'm sure he'll do the same for you.

Until later...

TGIF!!!

2007-11-30T18:40:00.000-06:00

I have to work tomorrow morning, so today does NOT feel like a Friday.

During lunch today, we went to BB's house and spent about 2 hours with her and the triplets. They are so cute. They are now 6 weeks old (two weeks from their full-term date). We had a great time. She looks really well. she doesn't even look like she's had one baby let alone three. She also said that once the babies and placentas were out, she automatically lost 20 pounds. Bitch! She lost in 10 minutes what it's taken me almost 3 months to lose. Haha. I'm joking. I do not begrudge her the loss at all. I'm actually enjoying the journey. I'm learning a lot about myself and why I gained the weight in the first place. I am also learning how to eat properly again (it has been 8 years after all) and getting back into good eating habits. It's great to have fruit and vegetables back in my diet. I still can't believe I had taken them completely out of my diet when I love them so much.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I'll be off to work first thing in the morning just as I am Monday through Friday. Same bat time...same bat channel.

Until later...

Slow times at work

2007-11-29T19:23:00.000-06:00

Our busiest time of the year is now past and we are entering the slowest time of our year. We are on a fiscal calendar, so we are in the middle of our year. We will be slow from now until the middle/end of March and will then be busy until this time next year. I started working with this group last January so I have been there through part of the slow time and the entire busy part of the year. I have learned to enjoy the slow times because the busy times can get stressful and packed.

We ahve been so slow that I'm lucky if the phone rings 5 times in an entire day. Seriously. In most jobs, when it gets slow like this, I get bored and ready to move on. I haven't had any inclination to move on to something else which shows me that I am exactly where I need to be. I am content here and, for me, that's a GREAT thing.

Until later...

This is what my latte says about me

2007-11-28T21:42:00.000-06:00

What Your Latte Says About You

You don't treat yourself very often. You find that indulging doesn't jibe with your very disciplined life.

You are a very serious person. You don't have time for silly antics.

You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast.

You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it.

You are a child at heart, and you don't ever miss the opportunity to do something playful.

You are sophisticated and daring, but you are never snobby.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?

This is actually pretty damn accurate.

Miranda, thanks so much for your comment regarding purchasing a charm bracelet to celebrate reaching my 10% weight loss goal. I talked with my mom on the way home and she surprisingly suggested the same thing. :-) I told her that I wanted to find a way to celebrate without resorting to food (which is how my family has always celebrated EVERY thing). She suggested that for every occasion I would normally celebrate using food, I should get a new charm. I love that idea.

I just ordered THIS charm bracelet from Overstock.com. I am thinking about having the circle charm engraved with "10%" as a constant reminder and as a start to my charm bracelet.

Until later...

Happy Hump Day!!

2007-11-28T15:22:00.000-06:00

Unbelievable! I’m actually posting a “Happy Hump Day” post ON hump day. I think it’s been – what? – 3 weeks since I have gotten it right. Don’t get me wrong, I have actually posted on Wednesday, but I have forgotten all about needing to write a “Happy Hump Day” post until Thursday.

On with the list of things I’m thankful for this week:

1. My job (I really do love what I do)
2. All the wonderful people I’ve met in the blogosphere.
3. My niece and nephew that live close by
4. My last living set of grandparents (maternal)
5. My in-laws
6. My dog
7. My crazy ass family – all of them (I swear, just some days more than others)
8. The majority of the people I work with (sometimes SUB, too – depending on the day)
9. The home H and I co-own with the bank
10. Our big back yard (never had one growing up)
11. The love of a VERY good man who accepts me no matter what (I’m talking abut H here in case you’re wondering)
12. I have REACHED my 10% weight loss goal. That’s right! Over the Thanksgiving holiday. WooHoo! I lost 2.6 pounds since our last meeting bringing my total weight loss to 19.6 pounds. My 10% goal was 19 pounds, so I’ve actually surpassed my first goal. Yeah for me!

Y’all, I made my 10% goal. You have no idea how huge that is for me. 19 pounds seemed like an insurmountable goal to me 12 weeks ago. Today it is a reality. I can’t explain the enormity of this for me and my life.

Let me tell you the background behind this accomplishment. Growing up, I was always thin. I had no problem with weight. I watched my mom constantly struggle with her weight, seeing her on one crash diet after another, and seeing the emotional toll the whole process had on her and her self-esteem. I saw her weight go up and then down with each diet. I also saw that once she was off the diet, she gained back more weight than she had when she started said diet (whichever one it happened to be that time).

I also heard growing up that I cannot always continue to eat the way I was and expect to stay thin. I’d hear this from my mom and paternal grandmother all the time. You see, I was eating candy bars almost every day for lunch (mostly Snickers, Mars bars, and Whatchamacallits – I’d have 2-3 a day for lunch plus 1 as a snack later in the day). Mom kept saying when I hit 30, it would all catch up to me.

As most of you have read, I was in an emotionally damaging relationship for 5 ½ years. Since I had no one to turn to or talk to about the situation, I turned to food. I gained about 15 pounds during that time, but before the relationship ended, I had lost it all (plus a little more) and had gotten back down to a size 8 (about where I was when I graduated high school). After meeting H, I transferred into another department at work (a warehouse environment) where I was sexually harassed and received a lot of unwanted and unfamiliar comments from the men I worked with. This really messed with my self-confidence because I became afraid and old fears came clawing back to the surface (from childhood trauma when I was 4 – paternal grandfather). Because I was afraid, I tried to hide myself from everyone’s view and ate my way into oblivion (no one really sees you or notices you when you’re fat – if you don’t believe me, gain weight and see how many people pay attention to you or even try to make eye contact with you. Sadly, eye contact is pretty much non-existent at that point).

Three years after getting out of that environment, I decided to lose the weight I gained. That was all well and good. The problem was that I really had no reference when it came to losing weight. Yes, I did it once, but it wasn't that much and I really don’t remember how I did it. It just kind of happened. I started feeling better about me and figuring out what I really wanted out of life (which...HELLO...was NOT that relationship). Since I didn’t grow up having a weight problem, I had no real personal experience with losing weight (especially a lot of weight). In the past, I might gain a pound here, two pounds there, but if I skipped a meal the next day, I was always right back where I should be.

I tried losing the weight on my own and it didn’t work. I even tried Weight Watchers, but I got discouraged and quit. I never even hit my 10% goal at that point and it was smaller than the 10% goal I just reached. I joined Curves for a while, but my class schedule and home life made it difficult to attend regularly so I quit that, too.

A few months ago, I stepped on the scale and realized that I was at the weight I considered my “point of no return” and it scared me to death. Seeing my parents battle weight issues my entire life and seeing the toll that weight was now having on their lives, I was afraid if I were to hit “x amount” of pounds that I would not be able to get back down and my weight would then spiral out of control like my parent's weight. I did not want that to happen to me. I didn’t want K or K2 to be embarrassed to be seen in public with me as I have been on occasion with my own parents. I want to be able to keep up with them, play with them, and be there for them whenever they need me (for their entire lives).

Since stepping on that scale and realizing I was at my "point of no return" weight, I have been committed to losing this extra weight. It has been so easy for me to stick to this. It’s actually a little scary how easy this process has been for me. I'm not even craving my favorite fast foods anymore. Last week, I wanted a McRib (they've always had a special place in my heart). I got a McRib, and it was so disappointing. I haven't even been tempted by Taco Bell and I could eat there EVERY day. There were times I got discouraged because the scale didn’t reflect what I thought it should. I won’t lie about that. I have found that Weight Watcher’s Core Plan is the perfect plan for me. I think what scared me the most over Thanksgiving was that I didn’t feel like I was on a diet. With Core, I knew if I ate lean meat and veggies, I was fine and didn’t have to count points. Core has made me change my eating habits and adopt healthier eating habits which is what I wanted when I started Weight Watchers in the first place. My problem is that the Flex Plan didn’t make me change the types of foods I ate; it only made me change the amount of food I ate because I could eat anything as long as I counted the points. I can still eat anything I want as long as I count the points when I choose items that are not Core foods (up to 35 a week). With the Core plan, I am much more aware of the choices I am making and I’m realizing that Core is much easier to stick with because it is a healthier way to eat. I never feel deprived and half the time I don’t even feel like I’m on a diet. I’m just eating healthier and making better choices. The last 3 weeks I did the Flex plan, I lost about 2 pounds. The last 3 weeks I’ve been on the Core plan, I’ve lost 7 pounds. I am definitely going to stick with Core.

I really want something to mark my 10% accomplishment. Something I can look back on or look at and say, this is what I got for reaching my 10% goal. I want something special, tangible, and lasting (like the key ring I received last night at meeting – which I cried when I received and have teared up every time I’ve touched it). Any ideas?

Until later...

Catching you UP

2007-11-27T19:10:00.000-06:00

I know I've been blogging about everything except what really happened over the Thanksgiving holiday. Let me fill you in. First of all, this was the BEST visit I've had with my parents in a very long time. Actually, I can't remember a better visit with them, so that tells you just how long it's been when I can't remember.

Wednesday, I had off work. I drove H to work (okay, in reality, he drove, but I was in the car). After H got out of the car and I got in the driver's seat, I took the dog to H's family and played a bit with K2 (I've already written about that). After dropping Dickens off, I went to my allergist and got my allergy shots. There are LOTS of trees on my parent's property and it kills me every time we're there, this was definitely a preemptive strike. From there, I took my car to get the oil changed. I was about 100 miles past 30K and I was waiting until this day to get it done but didn't realize waiting a few more days would put me past my mileage. Oh well, 100 miles is not that bad. It took them FOREVER to change my oil. It was terrible. It has never taken that long to get my oil changed and I always go to the same place. From there, I went home, put dishes in the dishwasher, ran it, and packed for my folks. H got off work at 2, so I was pushing it by that time since it takes about 30 minutes to get to his work. I hadn't even had lunch by the time I had to leave to pick him up. I stopped at Dairy Queen and got an iron grilled turkey sandwich with no mayo and no bacon. The only thing I had to count points for was the sourdough bread (4 points - no big deal). We got to my folks around 6. The rest of the night was spent talking and catching up since we haven't seen each other since Mom's birthday in August.

Thursday was Thanksgiving (duh). Grandpa came over. Grandma was already there. These are my maternal grandparents. They are married (yes, to each other). They just can't live together. I find this hilarious, but it works for them. Kind of. They do get extremely frustrated and impatient with each other - probably the reason for them living in separate places. At one point, my aunt bought a one-bedroom home for my grandma. Grandpa lived in a trailer.....in Grandma's back yard. I kid you not! Thanksgiving was great and emotionally uneventful (which is perfect!). Grandma wanted to go to Wal-Mart and thought it would be open, so I drove her there to find that it was closed. Everything in their small town was closed. It was kind of creepy. Every part of the Thanksgiving meal was CORE, Baby! It was fantastic. I had no worries about what I ate. I could eat it all until I was satisfied. I had 2 pieces of crustless pumpkin pie...ALL CORE! WooHoo! I did have a bite of the pumpkin pie my grandma made and it didn't live up to the hype. Actually, for the last few years, she has been forgetting how she makes things so she's been messing them up for a long time. The two pies she has NEVER messed up are her Banana Cream and Coconut Cream pies (both with meringue - NEVER whipped cream). The woman is 82 so she's still doing really well. If she can't remember how something's supposed to be made, well, we can live with that. Even she didn't like the pie, so it wasn't just me.

Friday, we all piled in the car, went to Evansville, and saw the movie Fred Clause. If you see only 1 Christmas movie this year, you have to see this one. It was funny, interesting, has a really good story line, and it wasn't a "stupid" funny movie. I will see it over and over. After the movie, we went to The Texas Roadhouse for dinner. MMMM, steak (filet mignon, to be exact). From there, we went to Wal-Mart (it was open this time). When we got up Thursday morning, I realized that I made a huge mistake when packing. My mistake was that I didn't try on the clothes I brought to wear. I brought shirts that I haven't worn in years. I should have tried them on. They were WAY too big on me so at Wal-Mart, I was going to buy 3 shirts. After doing my other shopping, I went to the clothes section and picked out a few tops to try on. I found one that fit and looked good. H was rushing me through at that point, so I just picked out two shirts (same style, same size, different colors) and, without trying them on, I bought them.

Saturday, I tried on the two tops I didn't try on at Wal-Mart and found that they were too big. WooHoo! I had to take them back. What a sad, sad thing to have to do. NOT!!! Sadly, I couldn't find any shirts that I really liked or looked good on me besides the one I bought and tried on the night before. So...I bought two more in diferent colors. :-) I'm easy. Since H and I were leaving on Sunday, we decided to give Dad his birthday presents Saturday night. We also sat in the living room and watched a few movies (Zathura, Ratatouille, and Meet the Robinsons). After watching the movies, Dad wanted to play pinnocle. Mom didn't really want to play, but Dad played one of Mom's cards on her. She is BIG in regards to doing and getting what she wants during her "birthday weekend." Dad said that it's his birthday weekend and he wanted to play pinnocle. Mom started to say no, but Dad said...if it were your birthday weekend, you'd be upset if we didn't do what you want. WooHoo! Bout damn time!

I forgot to tell you something. The entire weekend, whenever Mom had a chance or an opening, she tried to guilt me about spending Christmas with H's family. EVERY SINGLE CHANCE. I heard something about it at least once a day. Saturday was her biggest effort. She said that Christmas is no longer her favorite time of year and she even started crying. I hate when my mom cries, but I wasn't going to let that sway my decision to be with K, K2, and H's family for Christmas. My reaction to all of that? I told her, "Since you get me for Thanksgiving every year, you and dad should fly out to California to see G for Christmas and watch your grandkids open their gifts." One day I mentioned that K and K2 are the closest H and I will come to having kids of our own and we want to be there with them on Christmas morning. Sadly, none of this ever makes a difference with mom. It's her way all the way. Period.

On our drive home on Sunday, H complained that I was reading instead of talking non-stop like I normally do on our trip home from my parent's house. I was stunned. Not only did he want me to talk NON-STOP, but I realized that I really had nothing to complain, bitch, moan, or groan about. For the first time in FOREVER I was actually not phased by anything that happened with my folks this trip. Yes, I was disappointed that Mom tried to guilt me into coming up for Christmas, but in all honesty I expected that from her so I wasn't hurt by any of it. I had a pretty good visit. I got bored a lot at their house. All they do is sit in front of the TV and talk only during commercials. This is how I grew up. By the way, Mom thinks family is the most important thing to her. She doesn't realize that doing nothing but sit in front of the TV and not talking until commercials is NOT putting your family first. I can't tell you how many times I have seen H's family stop whatever they were doing or watching on TV because someone wanted to talk or needed a little attention. Such an amazing difference.

All is good. I'm feeling GREAT! By the way, H and I are fan-fucking-tastic. No worries. We really did just need to find a different way to communicate (how amazing is that?!). Life is GREAT!

Until later...

Yep, This is Me!

2007-11-26T22:10:00.001-06:00

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a laid back person with rather low energy. You aren't lazy... you *are* sensitive and empathetic.

You are somewhat outgoing, but you're not a natural extrovert. You think first before you act. You tend to be independent, rational, and logical.

You are extravagant, over the top, and indulgent. You set trends and influence people.

You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well.

You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart.

You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

Christmas Gift Update

2007-11-26T16:28:00.000-06:00

I have decided to NOT give tubs of popcorn to ANY one this year. I did a little Christmas shopping last week and after getting into the Christmas mood a bit, I realized that tubs of popcorn is NOT personal and should NEVER be given to family or friends (at least not ones you're close to or want to be close to).

While shopping, I bought my grandfather some DVD's of old westerns. He is going to love them! Three of Clint Eastwood's, the original Magnificent Seven, and the original Return of the Magnificent Seven with Yul Brenner. Jackpot!

I bought my grandmother a DVD about Dale Earnhardt (her all time favorite driver). H and I have also decided that we are still going to get her the "soft centers" by See's Candies.

Since it is rare that men get candy, we have decided to buy my dad "dark chocolates" by See's Candies. He loves dark chocolate and it will be perfect.

Mom is still a bit tougher. I did find a couple of gift boxes of flavored tea. She loves teas of all kinds, so that will be a big hit. She also collects nut crackers and I found a really cute one that looks like a Gingerbread man. She'll love it!

H and I will be going to the Transiberian Orchestra on December 30, so we have decided to make that our Christmas gift to each other this year.

While at mom and dad's this past week, I saw a cute little pink and lavendar bunny that I picked up for K2. She will love it! When you pull the handle at the bottom, it plays Brahm's Lullaby which is the song she loves to sing back to me. Perfect gift.

That's all we've determined so far. Until later...

Health Update

2007-11-26T16:02:00.000-06:00

Today is Monday. I am still not back to work. That starts tomorrow. I had my doctor appointment this morning for my female problems. That was not fun, but the good news is that it didn't take too long.

The bad news is an either/or kind of deal. Either way, I have to get a biopsy of my uterus in January. I asked if it was important enough for me to come back sooner than that and they assured me it wasn't. That tells me it is probably NOT uteran cancer which is one thing the biopsy will determine. They did a pelvic exam this morning and everything felt good, looked fine, and seemed regular so that tells me (and them) it is probably the second option. The second option is that I am starting the change to menopause. WooHoo! (that's sarcasm by the way - at least partially) I haven't even hit 39 yet (happens in about 3 weeks, but that's beside the point).

I know you all really didn't want to hear all of this (too much information and all). I knew starting to go through the change in my late 30's was a possibility a few years ago because both my mom and grandma started going through all of this in their late 30's. I can live with going through this change as long as my hormones stay in whack as much as possible. I've got enough problems with the chemical imbalance. I can't imagine life with overworked hormones as well. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm not even worried about it.

So, January 21 is the big day for the biopsy (a holiday at work so at least I don't have to use any of my time to do this - that's a plus). They are telling me this is going to be extremely painful. She said it is worse than the worst cramps I've ever experienced. Just great! Lately, when I have cramps, I can't get rid of them, I can't function, and they kill me All.Day.Long.Without.Relief. I am really looking forward to that (again...sarcasm). I have asked H to come with me. If iti is as bad as they say, I may not be able to drive home. After writing this post, I may ask for the 22nd off from work as a sick day in case I have a really bad day on the 21st. That may be the smartest move I can make.

Until later...

WooHoo...back from 'rents

2007-11-25T20:58:00.000-06:00

'Rents in this case is my parents. We had a pretty good Thanksgiving if you consider my mom trying to guilt me EVERY chance she got about the fact that we will be spending Christmas with H's parents. Hello! We've only been doing this since K was born (almost 5 years ago). This weekend was the best guilt trip she's ever given me. Too bad, it didn't work. K and now K2 are the closest things we will have to children of our own. We love to spend Christmas morning with them so we can see K open his gifts. Mom whined that Christmas is no longer her favorite holiday because she doesn't get to spend it with her kids. Very calmly, I told her that since she gets to spend Thanksgiving with me, she and Dad should fly to G's house so they can spend Christmas with them and watch their ONLY grandchildren open their gifts. hahaha! I put it right back on them and G and diverted any guilt from my vicinity. Every time she mentioned us coming for Christmas or not spending Christmas with them, I let her know that it isn't fair for H's family to not have us with them for one of the two biggest holidays of the year.

I know that I mentioned in an earlier post that Christmas is no longer my favorite holiday. After stating that, I actually did a little Christmas shopping and for once in a LONG time, I actually found myself looking forward to Christmas again. Since being out of the Christmas spirit for many years, I never really had a favorite holiday. I really looked forward to Valentine's Day each year, but ended up being disappointed year after year, so I no longer had a "favorite" holiday. I think Christmas is wiggling it's way back into my heart and becoming my favorite again. I'm actually contemplating decorating the house and putting up a tree this year. Hell may freeze over yet. :-)

Until later...

Getting in the Christmas Spirit

2007-11-20T16:16:00.000-06:00

I can't tell you the last time I actually decorated MY house for Christmas. It was probably the year before we got Dickens...he became part of our family in 1999. I know! That's just terrible isn't it? No wonder I really haven't had the Christmas spirit the past few years. Christmas has also been demoted from my favorite holiday. That's just sad.

After posting about what I would get family members for Christmas, I actually went to Wally World during my lunch break. I was surprised at how quickly the holiday spirit returns when you've unexpectedly found THE PERFECT gift for someone.

I said earlier that Grandpa is the hardest person to shop for. It's terrible, but I really don't know what he enjoys. While walking in Wal-mart, I see the movie "The Magnificent Seven" (the original of course). Right next to it, I see "The Return of the Magnificent Seven" with Yul Brenner. Grandpa LOVES westerns. I know this without a doubt. I also saw a three pack of Clint Eastwood movies. Grandpa will be opening all three of them at Christmas this year.

While still at Wally World, I found an ESPN special on Dale Earnhardt as "The Greatest Athlete." He was my Grandma's favorite driver. She will be opening that up for Christmas with a box of See's "Soft Centers."

While typing this out, I realized the perfect gift for my dad - See's "Dark Chocolates." How many times do we send candy to the women in our lives? I think the men in our lives would appreciate it as well. Dad loves dark chocolate; mom hates it. Dad can enjoy his dark chocolate without mom being tempted to eat any and dad will know that I thought specifically of him. It's a win, win situation for me. WooHoo!

Until later...

Strange...

2007-11-20T11:25:00.000-06:00

For some reason, I am unable to log into my Blogger Account. GRRRR! It tells me that my email doesn’t exist. Strange…seeing as how I’m able to get into my email account using the EXACT SAME email address I’m using on the blogger page. It worked yesterday and EVERY other day, so why not today? Will I forever have to email my posts? That would SUCK! I can’t use my labels if I email them in. I count on the fact that I can edit my emailed posts to add my labels, but I can’t do that right now either.

ARRRHHHH!

Until later…

So, I figured it out...Blogger gave me the WRONG error message. I forgot that when I logged into Ventrilo for World of Warcraft I had no clue that whatever password I used for that would then be used for my Blogger/Google accounts. That still SUCKS! I liked using the different password just for my Blogger and now it's one I use for other things as well. DANG IT!

Today is Friday...Wait, it's NOT!

2007-11-20T11:20:00.000-06:00

It may be Tuesday on the calendar, but to me, it’s Friday. WooHoo! Today is my last day of work until NEXT Tuesday. I’m so excited.

I haven’t seen my parents since Mom’s birthday in August. This will also be the first time we have seen them since Mom and I started Weight Watchers. I’m hoping they see a difference in me and I really hope I see one in Mom. She is afraid there hasn’t been much of a change, so she isn’t even trying on her smaller size clothes. I don’t want her to get discouraged, so I REALLY hope I see a difference.

I have no idea what to give for Christmas gifts this year. We usually do Christmas with my parents the Saturday after Thanksgiving since that will be the last time we see them this year, but Mom doesn’t want to do that this year. I think she’s hoping that we will come up there for Christmas if we don’t have it together around Thanksgiving. I have told her numerous times that we spend Thanksgiving with her and Dad (partly because it’s also my dad’s birthday and it isn’t fair to be there around hers without being there around his) and that we spend Christmas with K and H’s family. K and K2 are the closest we will probably ever come to children of our own. Hello! Why wouldn’t we want to be there for them instead of taking the chance of extremely bad weather for traveling that we don’t enjoy driving in?

These are my thoughts for Christmas gifts (so far). Keep in mind that ALL my relatives live OUT.OF.STATE.

G and M – Tub of Popcorn

Grandpa – cash (he is the HARDEST person to shop for and if he gets a gift card, he gets confused and thinks the store is cheating him. Seriously).

W, A, and B – gift cards to Toys ‘R’ Us (these will be sent to G and M who will pick gifts out for the kids and have them wrapped and under the tree from H and me).

Hubby – I found two great things for him from Target. I know that he doesn’t want us to spend a lot of money this year since we are trying to pay off debt, so I will probably but them both now but only give him one for Christmas and the other for our anniversary (in March).

Friends – Tub of Popcorn for the family to enjoy

Dad – Something to do with fishing (that’s his hobby and what he enjoys doing ALL.THE.TIME – the man has his own pond in his backyard that he fishes almost every day). I’m going during lunch today to pick up a birthday present for him. Wish me luck.

K – no clue (this kid has everything he could possibly want plus that much more). I’m sure we’ll find something. He’s really into Transformers, Power Rangers, Thomas the Train, and Scooby Doo right now.

K2 – Probably some really cute clothes (she’s not even 1 so, she won’t know the difference) and a rattle or teether of some sort (she’ll be needing that soon).

H’s family – they rank right up there with my Grandfather for the HARDEST people to shop for. I think part of that is because they really don’t want anything. They are the most content people I have EVER met. I would love to do something special for them. They have done so much for me. H and I never know what to get them or what to do for them.

Mom – I have no clue. This woman has more hobbies than you can throw a stick at, but she’s NEVER satisfied with anything. She buys everything she could possibly want, so I’m usually at a loss for her as well. Normally, you can’t go wrong buying her See’s candy, but now that she’s on Weight Watchers, candy is OUT!!!

Grandma – This woman loves making quilts, but she has just about EVERY book out there on quilts and I have no clue which one she doesn’t have or if there even is one she doesn’t have. I could buy her a bunch of material for her “next” quilt (there is ALWAYS a next quilt by the way). Grandma does love her sweets, though. I could NEVER go wrong buying her See’s “Soft Centers”. That might be what she gets this year. She means so much to me, that sometimes a box of candy just doesn’t say enough. She has been my rock my entire life. She is the one person (before meeting H) that I could count on and completely trust in her love. When she passes away, I will be at a loss and completely shattered and heart broken.

Today is Monday...

2007-11-19T19:15:00.000-06:00

Today is Monday...tomorrow's my Friday. la-la-la-la-la-la

WooHoo! So, tomorrow, I'm going to gas up the car for our trip to my parents.

Wednesday, I have off work. I will be taking H to work (okay, in all reality, he will be driving to work while I try to wake up in the passenger seat for the drive home). :-) Hey, at least I'm honest. After he gets out of the car, I will take Dickens to the in-laws. He will have 4 days to play with K who will chase him around the house all weekend.

After dropping off the dog, I will be getting my allergy shots then getting the oil changed in my car. From there, I will come home, pack, then pick H up at work at 2 to hit the road.

By the way, I don't go back to work until NEXT Tuesday. Sucky part, I have my feminine exam on Monday due to some problems I've been having. At least I can be thankful on Thanksgiving that I can put it off for a few more days.

**I realize that I haven't explained WHY I have my "cast of characters" on the right sidebar. I was thinking of my family and their privacy. I went to a blog about a year ago and the author decided when her daughter turned 2 to stop blogging on that site in order to keep her daughter and her identity safe from web predators. That really hit a chord with me since I was blogging a lot about K on a pretty frequent basis. From that time on, I went back to ALL my posts and changed names to the list of characters you see now. I'm sorry if this has added confusion to the posts you read. I'm just thinking of my family (after all, they haven't asked to be put on here and have NO idea that I'm even posting about them), and to me this is important.

Sunday Afternoon

2007-11-18T15:12:00.000-06:00

So, we've already been to see K and K2 today. K had a rough time before we left. He is so used to getting his way and when we all sat down to eat, he wanted to continue playing video games. Not only did he want to play, but he wanted one of us to play with him. We all sat down to eat, and he went upstairs to the video game. He screamed off and on the entire time we were eating just pitching a fit. He would stop for a bit, listen to see if anyone was coming to him, when he realized we weren't, he would start up again. Sadly, his dad and grandma give in to this boy's EVERY whim. I understand that they want to give this kid everything they never had, but there is a very fine line that needs to be figured out - are you helping your child or harming your child when it comes to always giving them what they want? This boy cannot leave ANY type of store without walking out with something he has picked up.

K2 was a sweetie. She smiled at us quite a bit today. She even started talking with us (sure, it might just be noise to you, but we know she was talking directly to us). We saw her roll over for the first time today. We were so excited....until my mother-in-law told us she's been doing this for a couple of weeks now. How come she never did it while we were around before? Little show off. That's okay. She almost turned onto her back today, but she hasn't quite figured that out yet.

We will be going to my parent's for Thanksgiving, leaving on Wednesday. My mom would love for us to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas at their house, but we don't think it's fair to H's family to not spend one of those with them. We choose to spend Thanksgiving with my folks because it is always near my dad's birthday (sometimes Thanksgiving itself; this year it's next Sunday) and we really want to be with K (and now K2) during Christmas to watch them open their gifts.

We will also no longer be spending the July 4th holiday with my parents. The third is H's birthday, and it really isn't fair to ask him to spend his birthday with my parents instead of his own. Last year was the first year in a while that we actually spent his birthday with his family and we will continue that into the future.

Deion Branch is back in the game. WooHoo! He will be a BIG help to my fantasy team. It actually started out as H's fantasy team, but he never pays it any attention, so I have taken it over. :-) We're not doing too bad seeing as how he started me off with some pretty crappy players. There were a few good ones, too. I have Peyton Manning, The Cowboy's defense, and Deion Branch. Sadly, Deion was hurt in one of the very first games of the season and today is his first game back.

Today is the last NASCAR Cup Series race. Unless things go very wrong, this year's champion will either be Jimmie Johnson or Jeff Gordon. Hopefully, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will have a good race today and will finish the race. He has had some rotten luck the end of this season. DEI has stated that they are using Dale's car in order to figure out what will work for Truex next year. I think they have really hindered Dale in his possibility of a win at the end of the season. It's sad. I wish him the best next year with Hendrick. I know he would probably rather stay with his father's company, but in all reality, if he wants a championship, his best chance would be with Hendrick.

Those are my scattered thoughts at the moment. Until later...

Hooray for the Weekend

2007-11-17T14:49:00.000-06:00

Today is Saturday. I have already been to see K and K2. They are amazing as I have emntioned in many previous posts.

In regards to NaBloPoMo, I am averaging about 2 posts a day, so I am pretty excited about that. I'm blogging much more frequently which is what I was hoping NaBloPoMo would do for me.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, love, concern, comments, and advice. We have come through this with flying colors. It was just a change for us and we ahve figured it out. Thankfully, it doesn't take us long to get things fixed. We really do have a GREAT relationship and communicate well (for the most part). :-)

I hope you all have a great weekend. Until later...

Singing a Lullaby

2007-11-16T14:43:00.000-06:00

In my “Happy Hump Day” post, I forgot to mention the best thing that happened last week…

I was holding K2 trying to get her to go to sleep because she was tired. I walked in the other room with her, patted her butt, rocked her in my arms, and started humming Brahms’ Lullaby. She did the absolute cutest thing. Keep in mind that I have been humming this song to her since her birthday this past July. I also hummed this to K when he was little.

She looked up at me with wide eyes and was trying to sing it back to me. It was soooo cute and soooo sweet. H heard her from the other room and knew that I was humming to her. When he came in to look at us, H had tears in his eyes. When I was thinking about this later that night and the next day, I started tearing up as well.

K never did that. When K got a little older, he didn’t want to come to me because he knew I’d hum to him and he’d fall asleep. That was also cute and funny, but K2 apparently loves music and loves to be talked to. Even when you simply talk to her, she will look up at you, smile, and try to talk back to you. Such a sweetie. I can’t wait to see how her personality develops and find out what types of things she enjoys and likes.

Until later…